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Original poster

I broke up with my boyfriend because of his mom

68 replies

Endoloop · 14/09/2022 18:43

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (I'm 25, he's 31) yesterday because of issues surrounding his relationship with his mom.
He has a very close relationship with her, his dad died when he was 15 (he's 31 now) and his mom developed anxiety and depression which has led her to not work and for him to still live with her. She doesn't leave the house and she is financially dependent on him as she will not claim benefits.
She has never met any of his girlfriends and he says she has issues with forming relationships, he could never stay the night with me because she would get anxiety if he left so in 2 years, we spent 4 nights together. We also couldn't do anything spontaneous as she wouldn't be prepared for it.
I did really love him and I can't figure out when it all went wrong, our relationship has been very up and down and he hasn't always been nice to me and I probably haven't been nice to him at times either. But he never made the effort to form relationships with my family and only ever met them once in 2 years and even then he was in a foul mood which set me on edge.
About 18 months into the relationship I realised he smoked weed everyday which I probably guessed I was naive, but as someone who has never been around drugs I just thought it was the odd spliff occasionally. So from that point on I began to think if I really do want to live with someone who smokes this everyday. I also feel like I outgrew him, I bought my own home and got a senior position at work, he didn't have ambition and had a low grade job which I never had a problem with but he hated working there because of how they treated him and whenever I encouraged him to go back to college and retrain to do something he wanted he just shrugged it off. Over time, this lack of ambition and laziness became unattractive to me. He'd sleep until mid afternoon and it meant we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.
We had an argument a few days ago as we broke up in June 2022,i ended it because of the issues with his mom, which he promised would change (I would like to be with someone who I could rely on, who I could go round to their house, become part of the family and they become part of mine and because of his situation with his mom it was never going to be like that). Anyway, when he persuaded me to get back together in July 2022,he said things would changed and he'd booked us to go to thorpe park and I was to drive as it was on the motorway. My car has issues at the moment with the clutch and I didn't want to drive it all the way there with a dodgy clutch so I asked if he could drive. His response was that we'd have to cancel as he hasn't ever driven on the motorway before because it causes his mom to have panic attacks. I told him this annoyed me and he rang me very defensive saying I was self centred and I was in the wrong and I am the one taking antidepressants (just started as have been struggling with work related anxiety) which I felt was a low blow and felt like it was a dig at me. This caused us to break up because I feel like our relationship will never go anywhere.
When it's been 2 years and I'm no where near meeting his mom, can't go to his house, can't park outside his house as it gives her anxiety, can't go away or on holidays or get him to get to know my family, it all just becomes too much!

When he messages me now he keeps saying after what you've done I can't take it. I feel like he just isn't getting how strange and difficult it can be for me on the other end. We have had many arguments over this situation and I understand its hard for him as its his mom, but I just feel like he could maybe have talked to her and tried to get her to meet me or overcome some of her anxieties in some way.

I'm sorry if it's long or I sound like a brat, but I just needed to vent. I don't regret breaking up with him as I now know what I want from a relationship and how miserable it made me feel. But am I being out of order for being so mad he can't do anything because of his mother??? I understand she has anxiety, but I just don't understand how it's stopping both his and her lives and they just don't seem to see that 😔

Thanks for letting me vent! Xx

OP posts:
Zero19 · 14/09/2022 18:50

jeeeeez ! Keep running for the hills and get as far away as you can get from this one !

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/09/2022 18:50

You need to block him if you have not already done this.

You grew up and he has not. He will likely be the same in 10 years time.

His mother and he are in an enmeshed relationship with each other and it won’t change readily if at all, theirs is a dance of codependency and there’s no room for girlfriends. He will always be comparing them to his mother and they will be found wanting.

CharlotteSt · 14/09/2022 18:52

Well done 🙂

Ihatethenewlook · 14/09/2022 18:53

You sure he’s not living with another woman op? I mean a partner, not his mum. I’m seriously doubting his mother has some sort of weird anxiety that disallows him from having his girlfriends car outside his house 🙄

BryceQuinlan · 14/09/2022 18:54

Smart move
Don't waste any more time on him and try not to give it any more head space. Onwards and upwards!

Redannie118 · 14/09/2022 18:57

Thats not anxiety, its abuse. Shes parentified him to the point that he cant have any kind of life without her. Shes made him soley responsible for all her daily needs and requirements while at the same time completely absolving herself of any kind of responsibility for her own life. He is no longer her son, her child. She is no longer his mother. Shes switched roles using "anxiety" as a excuse to control him and extract all her own needs at his expense.
That being said, you dont need to put up with this. He is so deeply enmeshed he will never put you first. Its not your job to fix him. I would send him a message to tell him he is being abused by his mother and to look up " parentification". Be prepared for the fact he wont believe you, that will probably come much, much later in life. Either way, block and move on.

britneyisfree · 14/09/2022 18:59

Ihatethenewlook · 14/09/2022 18:53

You sure he’s not living with another woman op? I mean a partner, not his mum. I’m seriously doubting his mother has some sort of weird anxiety that disallows him from having his girlfriends car outside his house 🙄

This. But even if it's not, no one's got time to be in a relationship like that. You've gotten rid already so don't waste any more time or energy. Block.

minticecreamisjustok · 14/09/2022 19:01

He's not right for you and combined with his mother issues, it makes it impossible to progress this relationship anyway.

Creepymanonagoatfarm · 14/09/2022 19:02

Well done for putting you first op. There really is no future with him op.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 14/09/2022 19:07

I would sooner emigrate than have anything to do with him. And I don't believe that he lives with his mum.

Original poster
Endoloop · 14/09/2022 19:08

No, there is definitely no girlfriend, I've heard her speaking to him on the phone as she phones him multiple times when we are together and he speaks to her in front of me x

OP posts:
Bloodyusernamechangefailagain · 14/09/2022 19:14

You dodged a bullet by ending it. He'll never have an adult relationship whilst his mother is alive. And wouldn't be able to function without her "managing" his life with her anxiety. That's unattractive in a potential life partner.

Georgeskitchen · 14/09/2022 19:25

Surprised you put up with this shit for so long.
Don't respond if he contacts you again and find someone whose umbilical cord has been severed from his mother

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/09/2022 19:25

Him being married was my first thought too. Anyway he’s not relationship material.

TokyoTen · 14/09/2022 19:50

Crikey!! Well done for getting rid that is not a viable relationship. Probably time to block and move on now and do not get tempted back!

SpacePotato · 14/09/2022 19:52

Block him now on everything.
You don't need this shit.
Their relationship dynamic is seriously messed up.

Go have fun and perhaps get help to figure out why you'd settle for such an unhealthy relationship for so long.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/09/2022 19:57

Is his name Norman Bates by any chance?

DarceyG · 14/09/2022 19:58

Endoloop · 14/09/2022 18:43

I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years (I'm 25, he's 31) yesterday because of issues surrounding his relationship with his mom.
He has a very close relationship with her, his dad died when he was 15 (he's 31 now) and his mom developed anxiety and depression which has led her to not work and for him to still live with her. She doesn't leave the house and she is financially dependent on him as she will not claim benefits.
She has never met any of his girlfriends and he says she has issues with forming relationships, he could never stay the night with me because she would get anxiety if he left so in 2 years, we spent 4 nights together. We also couldn't do anything spontaneous as she wouldn't be prepared for it.
I did really love him and I can't figure out when it all went wrong, our relationship has been very up and down and he hasn't always been nice to me and I probably haven't been nice to him at times either. But he never made the effort to form relationships with my family and only ever met them once in 2 years and even then he was in a foul mood which set me on edge.
About 18 months into the relationship I realised he smoked weed everyday which I probably guessed I was naive, but as someone who has never been around drugs I just thought it was the odd spliff occasionally. So from that point on I began to think if I really do want to live with someone who smokes this everyday. I also feel like I outgrew him, I bought my own home and got a senior position at work, he didn't have ambition and had a low grade job which I never had a problem with but he hated working there because of how they treated him and whenever I encouraged him to go back to college and retrain to do something he wanted he just shrugged it off. Over time, this lack of ambition and laziness became unattractive to me. He'd sleep until mid afternoon and it meant we didn't get to spend a lot of time together.
We had an argument a few days ago as we broke up in June 2022,i ended it because of the issues with his mom, which he promised would change (I would like to be with someone who I could rely on, who I could go round to their house, become part of the family and they become part of mine and because of his situation with his mom it was never going to be like that). Anyway, when he persuaded me to get back together in July 2022,he said things would changed and he'd booked us to go to thorpe park and I was to drive as it was on the motorway. My car has issues at the moment with the clutch and I didn't want to drive it all the way there with a dodgy clutch so I asked if he could drive. His response was that we'd have to cancel as he hasn't ever driven on the motorway before because it causes his mom to have panic attacks. I told him this annoyed me and he rang me very defensive saying I was self centred and I was in the wrong and I am the one taking antidepressants (just started as have been struggling with work related anxiety) which I felt was a low blow and felt like it was a dig at me. This caused us to break up because I feel like our relationship will never go anywhere.
When it's been 2 years and I'm no where near meeting his mom, can't go to his house, can't park outside his house as it gives her anxiety, can't go away or on holidays or get him to get to know my family, it all just becomes too much!

When he messages me now he keeps saying after what you've done I can't take it. I feel like he just isn't getting how strange and difficult it can be for me on the other end. We have had many arguments over this situation and I understand its hard for him as its his mom, but I just feel like he could maybe have talked to her and tried to get her to meet me or overcome some of her anxieties in some way.

I'm sorry if it's long or I sound like a brat, but I just needed to vent. I don't regret breaking up with him as I now know what I want from a relationship and how miserable it made me feel. But am I being out of order for being so mad he can't do anything because of his mother??? I understand she has anxiety, but I just don't understand how it's stopping both his and her lives and they just don't seem to see that 😔

Thanks for letting me vent! Xx

RED FLAGs everywhere. He will never leave his mother. Mother enmeshed men are disastrous in relationships. I met one and high tailed it out there after a number of months. Do yourself a favour and move on.

Lizzaa · 14/09/2022 19:59

Yea that's definitely not his mother he's living with, sorry.

Hillrunning · 14/09/2022 20:01

At best he is a carer for his very unwell mother, in which case he simply doesn't have the time, head space or ability to have a relationship. Worst case she is controlling and manipulative to the extent that she aims to sabotage his life. Either way, there just isn't room for you.

Move on.

DarceyG · 14/09/2022 20:02

Lizzaa · 14/09/2022 19:59

Yea that's definitely not his mother he's living with, sorry.

Seriously you do get men like this. I found it hard to believe until I met one. Living with his mother at 41 he didn’t admit in that in the beginning. It’s seriously weird and creepy.

Maytodecember · 14/09/2022 20:04

You don’t sound like a brat at all —- but this relationship is dead in the water.
His mother is never going to let him have a relationship, he is never going to break away from his mother.
Go out with your girlfriends, have some fun and meet some young men who want a proper grown up relationship!!!

Starlightstarbright1 · 14/09/2022 20:04

There is nothing tying you to this man.. Do yourself a favour and block.

Perime · 14/09/2022 20:05

Run OP and block

Elieza · 14/09/2022 20:07

Surely she’s his mum?

He probably explained you’re his gay friend whose married to another woman or something. And that’s why he speaks to her when you’re there. You thinks she knows the truth and she doesn’t.

Or perhaps he’s the one that is scared to move out.

Either way it’s no way to live and you should absolutely get someone better than him.