Communication issues - unresponsive/muted responses partner - anyone else?

[PunishmentRoundupWithJoon]

Like most couples, my partner and I have the occasional niggle in our relationship. We get on very well and rub along easily together, we like the similar things and are comfortable with each other. When I say 'we' have the occasional niggle....it's actually me 🙄 It's usually to do with communication in some form and it's clear we have rather different communication styles.

One thing in particular I wanted to get opinions on is how other people cope with a degree of unresponsiveness in a partner? Not always responding when spoken to. Or very muted responses without eye contact. The not responding is not because of he's ignoring me, not at all, it just seems that my voice doesn't seem to filter through. Like he's not attuned to me. He's not deliberately tuning me out, but it's as if we're not 'in sync' (On the other hand, I always hear him - my ears all but prick up when he speaks...)

Some of it is down to body language, I believe. We've spoken about this, and I think that I'm still struggling with the disconnect between his body language and what he tells me. He is upfront and straightforward and I believe his words, logically, but my emotional self responds to his body language and gets uneasy and anxious!

I'm not perfect myself and can well imagine that it must be frustrating for him at times with my 'obsession' with effective communication.

I'm not explaining this very well at all, but my question is basically: does anyone else experience this (unresponsiveness) with their partners and if so, how do you deal with it?

Thank you 🙂

Just sounds like you're not compatible due to differing communication styles, and you're trying to find a way to not have to accept that.

You talk about 'your emotional self' being hurt by this, but your 'rational self' knowing better. What do you think you can do about this? Tell your emotions to be happy, the way they should? The truth is, your emotions lead the way for you, and if you're not comfortable with the way he communicates (or ignores you and excuses himself to the extent that you blame yourself), you're not comfortable, and you need to face that.

I had a relationship like this, so I left. Then I found a partner who listens to me, and it's amazing. I recommend this course of action.

Thank you, @Watchkeys , I appreciate your reply. Yes, emotions do lead the way, and it is hard sometimes trying to ignore the emotions it stirs in me. And yes, at times it leads to discomfort. It's something we're starting to work through properly now, with the view to improving our relationship. So we won't be dumping each other's asses just yet but recognise that that's an option if nothing else works!

He is, without a doubt, incredibly receptive to feedback about this and acknowledges that has always been like this and in fact, makes more of an effort with me that anyone else! He's always devastated to know he's upset me with something he's done/hasn't done and that's genuine.

I'm so glad you found someone who listens to you and are happy - it's so encouraging to be listened to and 'heard'.

Does he do it when concentrating on something else, perhaps a complex plot in a book or quiz questions or something?

I tend to not respond when I'm absorbed in something else. It's not rude, it just means I'm workingZ

I had a relationship like this, there were other forms of selfishness and lack of communication as well. I ended it. My life got a lot better after that. Travel, other relationships, more time to spend with family and friends. My life would have remained frustrated, upset, small, and limited had I remained.

Not everyone will treat you like that.

@MintJulia - not always. Though if the TV is on, even ads, he almost certainly won't hear me until I say his name and get his attention that way. Many times I will say something that is missed and I know it simply hasn't registered so I either have to let it go or make a concerted effort to get his attention. It's not malicious or deliberate, but the TV does have a hold on him if it's on!

@FireworksDisplay - He's not selfish, I can say that for certain. Quite the opposite in just about every way you can imagine. He's not even selfish in this way, it's just his style of communication that's been honed over the years. Never been challenged on it, I guess. My life would be smaller WITHOUT him. To be clear, this is something that we're now wanting to deal with so that the relationship can flourish.

It's small inattentions to detail, in communication terms, that are creeping in now and again and as the relationship progresses they're bothering me more. Part of this may well be down to my state of health (menopause, fatigue, less resilient) as I'm more irritable and sad at times, though to be clear, I'm not making excuses for the issue.

I would particularly like to hear from people who perhaps had this issue, whilst knowing their partner was well meaning and keen to resolve it, and how you dealt with it and moved forward?

I think that I'm still struggling with the disconnect between his body language and what he tells me. He is upfront and straightforward and I believe his words, logically, but my emotional self responds to his body language and gets uneasy and anxious

Please, please listen to yourself on this. I'm concerned that what you are starting to do is gaslight yourself into believing whatever he tells you. This happens to many women. Yes, of course there's a chance that you're interpreting him correctly, but I'd say there's even a greater chance that are correct.

I'm going to PM you with my experience.

@EarthSight - Thank you, I appreciate your input. I promise you, he's not gaslighting me on anything. Totally understand your point of view though. He's vague, easily distracted, and yes, inattentive in some ways, but without a shadow of a doubt, he's not the kind of man that some of you may be thinking. I'm realising now how hard it is to get across with any accuracy a relationship situation. He couldn't be less of a game player if he tried.

It's down to different communication styles and (in my opinion) his not quite grasping how important the little things are. To me anyway. I can well imagine that other women would be thrilled with everything he is (as am I) and possibly wouldn't be as bothered.

@EarthSight - thanks so much for your message, I will respond. Sounds like an ex of mine though!

Having been gaslighted and emotionally and psychologically fucked over by a previous partner, I know this is light years away from that.

Would the would ‘flat’ describe your husbands level of expression? Or perhaps robot like?

@Fourhorses - yes, sometimes perhaps. He's a muted person generally - low key, laid back. To be fair, I'm muted too. Not known for my shows of enthusiasm, shall we say. I might be having the best time of my life, but you'd never know to look at me 😎It's one of the ways we are well suited.

It can make him particularly funny when relating a story in a dead pan fashion, though doesn't always translate well when I'm requiring a bit more responsiveness due to my heightened emotional state due to something that may have happened. I'm angry, upset, etc and his response is rather...matter of fact, muted. It serves to dampen my emotion and make me feel rather silly for having any emotion in the first place. I feel that I then have nowhere to go with my emotion, if that makes sense? So have to shelve it or dampen down my raised emotion. It's frustrating. He's so calm. It's like having a parent telling you to calm down, even though he never, ever says anything like that. It's his muffled response that 'tells' me I'm showing too much emotion. That's it, I feel like a child, being over emotional, even though he never says anything like that. On the contrary, he will listen until the cows come home and do his best to help.

So interesting. I had exactly this issue with my husband who I haven’t separated from. Going to consider my reply to you before I send as I don’t want to project my experience on your circumstances.

but I the meantime to cut to the chase, I had to reduce my feelings (good and bad) and shrink myself so much (as yes like you I felt dramatic, for being fairly normal, or too playful or silly or too sensitive) as I started to feel unregulated around his steadfast rock like mood. It literally made me mentally unwell. No meaningful feedback. All the while feeling utterly dreadful about how I must be such a bad person to complain to myself about such a lovely harmless person.

sorry that was a longer answer

My Dh is like this.

l used to be a teacher.

I tell him to listen and look at me in a teacherish tone. Then l talk to him.

It usually works😁

Give this a read and see if there are any parallels, I haven’t read it for a while but I remember it struck a chord with me.

www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23311908.2017.1283828

Does he do this to anyone else, or just you?

@Fourhorses - not read the link yet but just had to reply to your first message - you said something that resonated with me. I forgot to say that, like you, I also have to reduce my 'good' emotion to an acceptable level (not that he ever said anything about this, it was my perception) so as to avoid disappointment with his less than enthusiastic responses! Unregulated is a great way to put it. And yes, it does eventually wear away at you to the point where (particularly if you're and anxious or sensitive person) you can begin to feel a tad mentally....strained.

"No meaningful feedback" - this resonates with me, though I would limit that to no meaningful emotional feedback. He'll run around like a blue arsed fly to give me everything I need in every way, time, energy, money, DIY, cook for me...but emotion/empathy have been a stumbling block.

Did you find yourself becoming more emotional in your responses as time went on? As a direct result of his lack of responsiveness? I think that's where the mental discomfort begins. Long term lack of emotional support.

@DenholmElliot1 - he's worse with other people! He makes a massive effort with me 😂

My husband is very similar to how you describe your partner. In all honesty, I regularly question our compatibility. It’s really affected my confidence which was already very low due to childhood trauma. We’re currently going through a book called ‘How We Love’ which is all about love styles and it is helping me understand why he is like he is but it is still hard. I see my friends marriages and how much easier they are due to better communication and I wish mine was the same. This is the website for the book in case you are interested: howwelove.com

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - Yes, I use this tactic. Very clearly, "listen to me" or something similar! Effective but makes me feel like a nag and I have a naturally stern exterior and would prefer to release my playful side (such as it is..) with him, but he's too inattentive to respond to playful overtures, so I'd end up feeling stupid and ridiculous.

Is it possible he has adhd or asd?

I really write for hours about this and how it baffled me to a really surprising degree.

We all have a need to be seen. In any of our meaningful relationships and of course in particularly your most intimate and supposedly closest one. We usually feel seen by ‘reciprocacy’ as discussed in the above article. Obviously our partners either do, don’t want to, or simply can’t. The latter being the hardest to understand in my experience over the last few years. I got no meaningful response, literally or emotionally and my god did it throw me. Obviously during lovkdown especially when I wasn’t seeing anyone else and going through the baby stages when life is so small anyway and contact with other people is so constrained.

if we don’t feel ‘seen’ we lose a sense of ourselves, self doubt creeps in and of course in my case as I know it’s a case of he couldn’t, I felt guilty or painless ludicrous for having a need for a basic level of feedback.

turns out my husband has very strong schizoid tendencies, professionally diagnosed, emotional and expressive flatness being one of the traits. I literally drove myself mad trying to figure this out and only starting to heal and begin to see me recently, baby steps for me at the moment.

someone above mentions gaslighting yourself, I became a pro at this to keep the show on the road. But finally the voice in my got louder and said I actually cannot operate on this world or behavioural dynamic, I was crippled by it.

I don’t know if this helps you. Again my experience but it may be useful. Have a look at some of my older threads and it may give you a sense of where I was at.

Just read your latest update. Your partner is exactly like my husband. Trips over himself to help me but has no emotional depth to him which I can connect with. I feel at times like a wilting flower, waiting from a drop of emotion to connect with. It’s very hard and being truthful with myself I’m not sure if I will stay in the marriage longer term. From that book I referenced we have realized that my husband is an avoider, in that he grew up in a family where expressions of emotion were frowned upon and received no emotional connection or warmth from his parents. Therefore he’s not able to connect with his emotions, let alone anyone else’s, as no one connected with his in his formative years. It’s very sad really but as I say, it# had a significance impact on my well-being and long term that’s not a sacrifice I am willing to take. Feel free to PM me for more info if it would be of use

The hardest part was that as no one else in his life had the expectation or reliance on such meaningful feedback, friends family etc, no one could really appreciate how damaging it was for me as a husband and wife dynamic. Which only encouraged me to doubt myself. But some quiet comvassing on my part had to be done.

sorry that’s my piece anyway.

listening to yourself, respecting and believing how you feel is the more important thing, whilst understanding of it is a limitation it is not their fault but nonetheless effects you in whatever way.

Should read HAVE separated from.

@PunishmentRoundupWithJoon

Im mock stern. I look over my glasses at him in a very teachrish way.

l don’t feel like a nag.. If I’m saying something he should listen to me. It’s his issue not mine.

And yes. He would have done anything for me, built a shelf, go to the shops, anything. But I would have to literally spell it out more than with the regular guy. No emotionally feedback, which meant for me the whole having kids, and difficult pregnancies and medical stuff I was ON my OWN emotionally with this politely and apparently laid back and robotic and caring butler.

there is a difference between imitate and understanding empathy and cognitive empathy. I believe he learned empathy through being well raised but certainly didn’t understand it or feel it in the way all others in my life do.