Communication issues - unresponsive/muted responses partner - anyone else?

[PunishmentRoundupWithJoon]

Like most couples, my partner and I have the occasional niggle in our relationship. We get on very well and rub along easily together, we like the similar things and are comfortable with each other. When I say 'we' have the occasional niggle....it's actually me 🙄 It's usually to do with communication in some form and it's clear we have rather different communication styles.

One thing in particular I wanted to get opinions on is how other people cope with a degree of unresponsiveness in a partner? Not always responding when spoken to. Or very muted responses without eye contact. The not responding is not because of he's ignoring me, not at all, it just seems that my voice doesn't seem to filter through. Like he's not attuned to me. He's not deliberately tuning me out, but it's as if we're not 'in sync' (On the other hand, I always hear him - my ears all but prick up when he speaks...)

Some of it is down to body language, I believe. We've spoken about this, and I think that I'm still struggling with the disconnect between his body language and what he tells me. He is upfront and straightforward and I believe his words, logically, but my emotional self responds to his body language and gets uneasy and anxious!

I'm not perfect myself and can well imagine that it must be frustrating for him at times with my 'obsession' with effective communication.

I'm not explaining this very well at all, but my question is basically: does anyone else experience this (unresponsiveness) with their partners and if so, how do you deal with it?

Thank you 🙂

Has he had his hearing tested recently?
I was coming off aloof and people thought I was ignoring them.
Turns out I had hearing loss and processing issues.

Look OP you are unlikely to change him much now, just like you don't want to change. If you want to be playful just be playful if that isn't his natural style it's never going to be.

You say he listens until the cows come home and always tries to help. That is his style.

Just announced "I need you to listen now for 10 minutes then the evening is your own" if you need to get something off your chest.

Sometimes, actually a lot for some, people just be want to relax and zone out most evenings after work. MrFrozen and I can spend many evenings one watching live sports one reading without a word uttered, but then Friday evenings can be Spotify, natter natter natter, bucket, tangent conversations, laughter, tears.

There are no right ways, wrong ways.

But do be careful trying to change what essentially sounds like a decent relationship. Adapt a bit because we all do when in a relationship it's the definition of compromise. But if you love him you should love him how he mostly is.

You could always try flattery as well "you would be absolutely perfect if you just upped the reactions from time to time" that sort of thing.

Seriously, why do any of you put up with trying to work out how to moderate or be different versions of yourselves?

Being free to be, do and feel whatever and whenever with whoever you like is a joyous option in reach of most adults these days. I strongly recommend it

@madasawethen - think his hearing is fine. Ironically, I'm the one with hearing issues. I always hear that he's speaking though I don't always catch the words. He never gets annoyed or impatient with me.

I wasn't going to get involved in this thread because I found no relevance to myself...however I read on..and my god it has been a revelation to me..I'm sorry I've nothing better to add but just felt I needed to share.

@ComeAlive - thanks for that link, will have a look. My confidence is also low and not being improved by our interactions. I know that my confidence could increase tremendously if there was a bit more attention in the small ways.

@Fourhorses - interesting that you mention about empathy. We have had a number of discussions on this topic....Sometimes an expression of empathy is needed and I have felt at times that is missing. He is very self sufficient, probably doesn't need a great deal from me emotionally - we often joke that as long as I'm not overtly abusing him (hitting him, throwing insults, stealing his possessions...) he's happy! It must be so much easier to be like that.

My DH does the unresponsive thing too (but not the flat style of communicating) and I've naturally found that I have to repeat what I've just said - sometimes he's so engrossed in whatever he's doing (this usually happens when he's on tech)

Conversations go like this:
Me: blah blah
DH: unresponsive
Me: did you hear me?
DH: sorry what?
Me: repeat blah blah

If he's not going deaf and not deliberately ignoring you and he's otherwise kind and considerate then can you find a way to accept that it's just how he is?

Reading your last post, the lack of empathy is evident in DH too, I've posted before ref the potential for an undiagnosed 'something' on his part. I find this (lack of empathy) harder to deal with than the unresponsive-ness.

Thanks, @CrystalCoco - yes, I find the empathy issue more problematic than the not hearing me, I think. We have spoken about this (several times!) and the gist of it seems to be that because he wouldn't feel the same as me, he can't empathise. That's not to say he won't comfort me, but as soon as my upset appears to have ended, it seems to disappear from his consciousness. He doesn't seem to realise that the upset may continue on the inside, even once the tears/obvious distress has stopped.

There were occasions earlier on in the relationship where I was upset and crying and he didn't move to me to physically comfort me, and that upset me even more. Obviously, this struck me as odd and disturbing but his reason was that he was used to having to be cautious about touching people (due to his job). We dealt with that - I explained that when I was crying I required comfort (!) and we moved on.

This has happened a lot, having to explain what is required, why it is required, how I feel when whatever it is is not provided. And it's exhausting. That's probably why it's causing so much exhaustion right now, because it's been going on for a while and inevitably, we all have our limits.

You're right though, @CrystalCoco - I would like to accept the way he is because he's so wonderful in so many ways. Unutterably sweet and funny. Doesn't take himself seriously, can laugh at himself and is always there when there's a shelf needing put up 🙂

Is he happy with you being your fun playful emotional self? If so then carry on being that way-just because he’s different doesn’t mean you have to be like him.

I also second the ADHD/ASD query.

It's hard to say, @JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam because I've never really been that way with him. To be fair, even my 'playfulness' is understated. God, it's sounding like we don't have fun - we do, in our own quiet way. For that side of me to emerge, it's essential to know I have the other persons attention, otherwise I'll end up feeling like a fool. I can't even converse with confidence if I think I'll be talked over or won't be able to maintain the other persons attention.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam - There needs to be some degree of reciprocity for certain things, otherwise it just doesn't fly.

To be quite honest and I mean this in the nicest possible way-this sounds more like a you problem than a him problem. A confidence issue on your own part-you need his approval to be yourself, is it possible you can use therapy to explore why you need him to be like that in order for you to be your authentic self?

For that side of me to emerge, it's essential to know I have the other persons attention

It's not a 'you' problem, OP. This is totally standard. We all have more confidence when we know people listen to and respect what we say. Nobody is their 'authentic self' when they're being brushed off or feel their words are minimised.

It's a communication problem; it's not just down to one person.

@JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam - totally take on board what you say. Yes, you're right. I've often thought there's an issue with confidence. There's no doubt I'm not a perfect partner in so many ways, and he's tolerant of all my failings, so...perhaps a lot of it does stem from me. My sense of self.

We shall have to agree to disagree. I feel that no one should feel like they require someone else’s validation to be their true selves. No one should rely on someone else in that way.

ADHD/ASD/Processing issues?

I would probably work on accepting him and seeking emotional support from friends, family.. If he is truly not wired that way and it isn't gaslighty/shitty? Kindly, you seem to be putting all this energy into you and saying you're not a great partner, confidence, world would be smaller without him etc, perhaps seek some counselling and fun hobbies to widen your social circle, boost esteem and not be so concerned how his responses affect you.

That is, if he is a great guy and does listen, look after you without asking when you're unwell, remember things that are going on in your life, and is working to be more emotional/attentive as he recognises you want it?

Have a read on attachment styles, in particular anxious and avoidant relationships and see if it resonates x

I don't disagree with that. It's not relevant though. We all do feel like that with certain people. Don't tell me you've never met a person you felt uncomfortable talking to? And when you did, did you think that you were the problem, or that you just didn't click, or that they were the problem?

It's not very nice to say that if OP's having problems communicating with her partner, it's her that's the problem. Not feeling like her true self with him doesn't mean she needs validation from others to the extent that it's a problem to her. He just doesn't meet her needs. It doesn't necessarily make him the problem either. It makes them the problem.

Op, have you heard of Gottmam and his studies on relationships? He led a study that analysed the behaviours of couples who are happy longterm. A trait which was observed in the successful couples was responding to "bids" from each other.

How long have you been together?

Lack of empathy is a big issue for a relationship. I agree with others who say you might be invalidating your feelings.

God this thread is making me want to cry because this is my relationship, exactly. Am working my way through the academic research study thing posted a bit upthread.
I'll come back and update more when I'm feeling calmer and have some free time. But - OP you're not alone. I feel exactly like you, and my partner is just like yours.

@Fireflygal - yes, I've read about 'bids' for attention. I do feel many are missed.

We've been together for four years.

@ZeppelinTits - so sorry to hear you're struggling too. It's disheartening and upsetting. Do post post when you're able, it's always helpful to hear others experiences. Hope the reading proves useful for you.

What is his relationship history? Is he amicable with ex's?

I find the lack of knowing to comfort you when upset baffling - he's an adult and knows the difference between work protocol and a partner. I assume at this stage you had been physical with each other and wasn't asking before kidding you or hugging you...I think you may have dismissed quite a major flag because he gave you an reason...was it really a reason or an excuse?

@Fireflygal - Only one ex, long marriage. She was abusive and he was left with huge debts that it took years to pay off as she wasn't willing to pay her fair share. Even had to borrow from his mother for certain costs. During that time he didn't date as he was essentially penniless. He's very peaceful and even now won't rise to his ex's passive aggressive approaches.

I suspect that part of the not approaching me when I was upset was down to his history with ex as she could be extremely confrontational and his default setting was 'wary'. No, not making excuses. As I said earlier, it's hard to get across the nuances of any relationship, and we've made significant progress. Re his working environment , there again, often having to deal with confrontational people, and his training to not touch anyone for fear of them kicking off.