Communication issues - unresponsive/muted responses partner - anyone else?

[PunishmentRoundupWithJoon]

Like most couples, my partner and I have the occasional niggle in our relationship. We get on very well and rub along easily together, we like the similar things and are comfortable with each other. When I say 'we' have the occasional niggle....it's actually me 🙄 It's usually to do with communication in some form and it's clear we have rather different communication styles.

One thing in particular I wanted to get opinions on is how other people cope with a degree of unresponsiveness in a partner? Not always responding when spoken to. Or very muted responses without eye contact. The not responding is not because of he's ignoring me, not at all, it just seems that my voice doesn't seem to filter through. Like he's not attuned to me. He's not deliberately tuning me out, but it's as if we're not 'in sync' (On the other hand, I always hear him - my ears all but prick up when he speaks...)

Some of it is down to body language, I believe. We've spoken about this, and I think that I'm still struggling with the disconnect between his body language and what he tells me. He is upfront and straightforward and I believe his words, logically, but my emotional self responds to his body language and gets uneasy and anxious!

I'm not perfect myself and can well imagine that it must be frustrating for him at times with my 'obsession' with effective communication.

I'm not explaining this very well at all, but my question is basically: does anyone else experience this (unresponsiveness) with their partners and if so, how do you deal with it?

Thank you 🙂

I meant, after they split up he didn't date for 9 years as he was penniless.

Find a good counselor. If this wasn’t your first response to your issues, why wasn’t it? It sounds like his issues are deep seated and he/ you will need professional support.

I am confused as to the “he is devastated at how his behaviour has effected you” and him being ‘unselfish’ has translated to actual action on his part.

If I’m honest it sounds like he’s good at making the noises of someone who cares about how his behaviour impacts you but slow to action. Are you sure he wants things to be different, let alone wants to be actively involved in changing things?

If either of you are serious then you’ll get a professional involved.

And yes. He would have done anything for me, built a shelf, go to the shops, anything. But I would have to literally spell it out more than with the regular guy. No emotionally feedback, which meant for me the whole having kids, and difficult pregnancies and medical stuff I was ON my OWN emotionally with this politely and apparently laid back and robotic and caring butler.
there is a difference between imitate and understanding empathy and cognitive empathy. I believe he learned empathy through being well raised but certainly didn’t understand it or feel it in the way all others in my life do.

Yes, this sums it up for me too. I have come to the conclusion that my dh has avoidant tendencies. He's trying to work on things. I'm trying to convince myself it is enough because dh has so many redeeming qualities and we have relatively young dc and in many other ways our lives are good. I have recently entered therapy and this thread has been very timely.

Finding reasons for why a person does something that upsets you doesn't mean they don't do it any more. You're looking for ways to excuse him from hurtful behaviour. Why?

Have you looked up attachment styles? An avoidant attachment style will try not to engage, an attachment style will take the blame for any ensuing disharmony. It doesn't matter why you have the styles.

A secure style will recognise disharmony and walk away.

He ignores you, pays no attention, has no empathy, makes you unhappy and you're asking what's wrong with you and what you can change about yourself. Oh and he even has a "crazy" ex. Wonder how long it took him to drive her crazy.

@beastlyslumber - I never referred to his ex as 'crazy'. Nor did he. Not quite sure how you picked that up. It's a fact that he was left in deep debt when the relationship ended. Thanks all for your responses.

'Difficult ex' would also stand, for the sake of the argument.

I don't think it matters much what's wrong with him.

Men like him will grind you down to be a shell of what you once were.

What they do is controlling and managing down your expectations.

It's so subtle that's its hard to describe what it is.
The bottom line is he gets all his needs met while you twist and turn yourself trying to figure out how to get him to meet yours.

The suggestion of therapy is good but not for how to accept or change his cruelty but to improve your self-esteem and to figure why you've accepted the unacceptable and to let this relationship go.

I got it from the stuff you wrote about his ex. Sorry, but he does not sound like a good person to be in a relationship with. Your own feelings are telling you the same.

This is explained perfectly.

How long was he married for? When you say she was abusive has he laid all the blame with her? I just wonder if after years if no empathy and lack of responses, she reacted badly.

Equally was the debt joint or more his? If they divorced I assume finances would have been resolved.

Emotional empathy is vital in a longterm relationship - he may be practical but what gets a couple through tough times is the ability to empathise. He sounds like a good housemate (considerate, useful) but not a life partner.