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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No birthday present.

72 replies

4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:10

Just that really DH never buys me a birthday present. I've told him it really upsets me he says sorry blah blah but nothing changes. For background been married 20 years 4 DC everything else all good. I'm trying not to let it bother me but it does. It's his birthday in a few weeks and I'm really tempted to totally ignore it and take myself off for the day.

OP posts:
EllenLRipley · 13/09/2022 08:13

Does he do anything? card? Meal? Organise DC gifts?
If not just blank his bday and carry on as usual - assume he doesn't like bdays and arrange to spend yours with other friends and family in future.

Billybagpuss · 13/09/2022 08:13

Do it, the only problem is as you are the decent person you’ll probably feel bad

Ship · 13/09/2022 08:14

I would do for his bday what he does for yours and if he comments say ‘oh I thought we weren’t doing each other’s birthdays now’

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:14

No he does nothing

OP posts:
Chdjdn · 13/09/2022 08:16

Do exactly the same for his birthday. It may not bother him. If that’s the case then send him what he needs to buy you for yours (I prefer choosing my own presents anyway) and book somewhere to go either with him or with friends

FetchezLaVache · 13/09/2022 08:17

Of course you should ignore his birthday! What sort of thing do you normally do?

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:19

Billybagpuss · 13/09/2022 08:13

Do it, the only problem is as you are the decent person you’ll probably feel bad

Yeah I know it upsets me so don't want to do it to him

OP posts:
Ladyofthelake53 · 13/09/2022 08:19

Don't do anything fir his and see how he likes it. Although two wings don't make a right etc I wiukd do it to get my point across if he doesn't respond to you saying it upsets you. It's not very caring or considerate of him

Ladyofthelake53 · 13/09/2022 08:20

Two wrongs

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:20

FetchezLaVache · 13/09/2022 08:17

Of course you should ignore his birthday! What sort of thing do you normally do?

Present cards meal out or takeaway

OP posts:
Justcallmebebes · 13/09/2022 08:21

I think if after 20 years you've just accepted this and then gone on to celebrate his birthday, you've set a precedent. Why don't you reciprocate in kind?

GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 08:23

Why don't you do something for his birthday that is really for you? Eg tickets to something you want to see, meal out at a restaurant you want to go to etc. Win win - you haven't sunk to his level and ignored his birthday, but you get to do something nice for yourself as he couldn't be bothered to arrange anything for you.

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 08:23

Stop celebrating his birthday in any way. You can't go on rewarding him for his lack of effort and then silently simmering in frustration.

Sit him down and explain that you've given up on him changing after this many years, that you are tired of feeling let down on your birthday every time, so for peace of mind you've decided to accept that there are not going to be any birthday celebrations for either of you from now on. You accept that he's not the type to celebrate, so you will treat his the same way. So both of you know what to expect and no one ends up disappointed.

Don't do it in a passive aggressive way though. It's not punishment, it's you adjusting your expectations and making things fair and predictable, instead of having this argument again and again.

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:24

Justcallmebebes · 13/09/2022 08:21

I think if after 20 years you've just accepted this and then gone on to celebrate his birthday, you've set a precedent. Why don't you reciprocate in kind?

Yes when the DC were babies it wasn't so important. I just need to change my mind set to not care as obviously he's not going to change now

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 13/09/2022 08:25

Why would you get him a gift etc if he gets you nothing? If you want him to take your upset seriously this is the only remedy you have. Do absolutely nothing for his birthday. If he is upset, give him a verbal onslaught at the hypocrisy. If he isn’t bothered, then he genuinely isn’t bothered about birthdays and there isn’t much you can do, I’m afraid. It will be interesting to see which it is.

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:25

GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 08:23

Why don't you do something for his birthday that is really for you? Eg tickets to something you want to see, meal out at a restaurant you want to go to etc. Win win - you haven't sunk to his level and ignored his birthday, but you get to do something nice for yourself as he couldn't be bothered to arrange anything for you.

Great idea

OP posts:
GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 08:33

Good! Enjoy thinking up something nice OP.

Mindymomo · 13/09/2022 08:34

He’s just not bothered with birthdays, both my DC2 and my DH don’t bother with cards or presents. Like you it used to bother me. I have another Son who does buy me cards and presents, so that makes up for it, but I just don’t know how it doesn’t bother them when they see other cards knowing they haven’t bothered. I did get an anniversary card this year, when we’ve not sent each other cards for years. I felt awful.

marvik · 13/09/2022 08:35

I should give him a link to some item you really want and say, 'This is what I want you to me for my birthday.'

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:38

marvik · 13/09/2022 08:35

I should give him a link to some item you really want and say, 'This is what I want you to me for my birthday.'

Yeah I have done this in the past it just feels like another job to do though.

OP posts:
layladomino · 13/09/2022 10:58

I don't understand why you do things for his birthday when he ignores yours.

Either he prefers not acknowledging birthdays full stop, in which case he doesn't want you to do stuff on his birthday, OR

he wants you to make a fuss of him but not the other way around (despite knowing it upsets you) - in which case he's heartless, selfish and deliberately hurting you.

Either way it makes no sense for you to do things for his birthday. That needs to stop completely, and you have no reason at all to feel guilty. Just act like he acts. If he asks why, turn it around and ask him why he thinks that's OK for him to ignore yours every single year (despite you telling him it's not OK).

I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't be bothered to get a card and a simple gift once a year on my birthday, knowing it matters to me. He's making zero effort to make you happy.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 13/09/2022 12:36

What would he do if you didn't get him gifts?

theremustonlybeone · 13/09/2022 12:41

I cant be arsed with lazy men like this who choose to ignore their partners birthday even though they know they find it upsetting.

Why you bother with him I really don't know. Drop the rope..... make your own plans for your birthday with friends. As for his do nothing....... it will be hard as your not a shitbag but stay strong. I would be interested to see what he says as he truly cant say anything

GBoucher · 13/09/2022 12:51

My DH and I do nothing for each other's birthdays (no children). We live together and buy things for ourselves and for each other whenever we need/want, so it's hard to find something to buy specifically for a birthday. We say happy birthday on the day, and that's really it. Does that make us really unromantic 😆

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 12:59

layladomino · 13/09/2022 10:58

I don't understand why you do things for his birthday when he ignores yours.

Either he prefers not acknowledging birthdays full stop, in which case he doesn't want you to do stuff on his birthday, OR

he wants you to make a fuss of him but not the other way around (despite knowing it upsets you) - in which case he's heartless, selfish and deliberately hurting you.

Either way it makes no sense for you to do things for his birthday. That needs to stop completely, and you have no reason at all to feel guilty. Just act like he acts. If he asks why, turn it around and ask him why he thinks that's OK for him to ignore yours every single year (despite you telling him it's not OK).

I wouldn't want to be with someone who can't be bothered to get a card and a simple gift once a year on my birthday, knowing it matters to me. He's making zero effort to make you happy.

I guess I do things for his birthday because I don't want the DC to think this is how you treat people.

OP posts: