No birthday present.

[4yodas]

Just that really DH never buys me a birthday present. I've told him it really upsets me he says sorry blah blah but nothing changes. For background been married 20 years 4 DC everything else all good. I'm trying not to let it bother me but it does. It's his birthday in a few weeks and I'm really tempted to totally ignore it and take myself off for the day.

I’d 100% do the same for him. I don’t normally engage in tit for tat but might make him think. Maybe he won’t care. In which case you can save yourself time and effort in future. No excuse not to get your wife a gift on her birthday once a year

My husband was the exact same. So bloody selfish! For my 30th he bought me a plant and I'm not even into plants. It was the final straw so I started not bothering with Christmas and birthdays and he soon realised how hurtful it was. Suddenly he was buying me presents again. Nothing extravagant but better than a plant. Give him a taste of his own medicine!

What's he like with gifts for other people? His parents, friends, your dc?

He sounds selfish and cruel- he knows how much it would mean to you yet he can't be arsed.

I'd book yourself a spa trip for his birthday and take yourself there. Treat yourself for your birthday too.

I don't think I could ignore his birthday, but I'd scale it back - eg no takeaway or evening out if he isn't reciprocating. Just a card and small box of chocolates. Then I'd take what you would have spent and spend it on yourself. And if he says anything, I'd tell him straight - I've treated myself because you've stopped bothering.

My parents have always been like this and I don't really understand it. It does cause upset and it doesn't need to be much, it just all seems so avoidable. The fact that you've told him and he still thinks it's ok to carry on would piss me off no end.

Yes I had thought of that my thinking is that if I ignore his birthday I am doing the same thing and almost as bad as him and then he will probably say he didn't get me a present because I didn't

You've revealed something here without realising it, I think, OP. Is that how he operates? He'll use tit for tat to get himself off the hook for being rubbish?

Good God, 20 years and four kids? You’ve put up with this all that time and now it’s bothering you? He needed his arse kicked (metaphorically) the first year he didn’t bother. It’s a bit pointless now to start to expect him to care. Sorry op, but I’m afraid this is a situation all of your own making.

Yes I agree partly my fault. We did have a discussion about I wasn't happy with things and he agreed to change. I made excuses for him I've always been a bit embarrassed by this and of people ask me what I did for my birthday I used to just say oh we might go shopping or something.

My ex partner years ago was like this but he was an emotional abuser too and it was all about making me feel as small as possible.

I'd literally just get him a card for his birthday.

Why don't you treat yourself on your birthday, take the day off and do something you love with a friend or by yourself. Husband can have the children. You can reunite in the evening and eat cake. Wonder what your husband would think to that?

If you don’t want to completely ignore it for the kids then why don’t you have them draw / write a card from them only, literally either hand drawn (if they are youngsters) or a 99p one from Card Factory and give them a box of chocs to give him - again from them only.

have the kids present it to him.

Other than that I wouldn’t do anything. If you want to address it before his bday you could say “I’m not going to get you anything this year as it’s obvious you’re not bothered about bdays, I don’t want it to be an issue between us anymore so I won’t get you anything going forward” and just leave it at that.

then arrange something you enjoy around your bday for you from you. A trip or spa day etc. buy yourself something lovely and celebrate yourself.

he won’t change now OP, he doesn’t care that it upsets you. This is who he is. So you’d be better to just remove your expectations and chalk him up as a bit of a selfish cock.

My husband did the same for my birthday. I make a real fuss of him every year - decorations around the house, 6-10 presents, and really put a lot of thought in, plus a cake or meal out depending on what he wants. This year he got me a card and told me he ordered 2 presents but they hadn’t arrived and that was that. I spent the whole day fighting back tears. Is it too much to ask to want to feel a bit special one day of the year. We had a big conversation last year but this year was way worse. After seeing me holding back the tears, he picked up two cr&ppy bunches of £5 flowers from sainsburys at lunchtime. It makes me question how much he values me and our relationship when I tell him something is important and he ignores it. It would have been less painful if he forgot my birthday all together

I always buy things I like and then give them to the kids to give me. Every birthday and Christmas.

I would do what PP suggested. Gifts for him that are actually for you.

Stop doing anything for his birthday. Stop pretending he does nothing for yours. Face the realisation that this is it.

My partner is not very good at birthdays. Or Christmas either. One Christmas he bought me two tiny boxes of herbs to grow on the windowsill because he knows I like gardening. Another Christmas he bought me a light that shows the universe on the ceiling because I like stars. It did not work. Throughtful but very cheap. I am talking under a tenner. He doesn't have a clue.
These days I take his card and get something I like. I don't take the piss but I get something I would like him to buy for me.

If this were me I would buy him a card to mark the day, but I certainly would not buy anything for someone who would not do the same.
You have to be harsh OP. A card. Just a card.

I often don’t receive a birthday present, but it doesn’t bother me. I sometimes get DH a present and sometimes I don’t and it doesn’t bother him either. We do mark the day with a dinner or something and we often coincide holidays with either birthday, I would generally organise this whether it is his or my birthday. We are both fine with how things are.

Whta I am damn sure would not be happening is me buying him a gift every year for twenty years and him never getting me anything, despite my saying it upset me. Nope that would not happen, my husband doesn’t like upsetting me for a start.

You absolutely need to stop buying him presents or otherwise making an effort. Make an effort for yourself instead, book yourself a spa or a hotel or dinner, with or without him accompanying you.

My DSisterIL used to cover up for my DB, and would buy herself something and say it was from him. One year she didn't and told us how crap he was. DB got his arse handed to him on a plate by each and everyone of his sisters (there's a lot of us). Got a lot better after that.

Wow, he has ignored your birthday all these years, even after you telling him it upsets you! Thats really rubbish.

So I think you have 2 choices. Ignore his, or what another pp suggested, use his birthday to all the things you want to do.

I think personally I'd be tempted this year to completely ignore his birthday. Let the dc make a card (if they are little) if they are older, leave it to them if they want to get him anything. And by completely ignore, don't acknowledge it AT ALL.

Then when its your birthday, book something you've always wanted to do, buy something you've always wanted to buy and enjoy your day - without him. Do not include him.

If he moans about either just tell him he has made it very clear he gives not a single shit about your birthday, you've accepted that and from now on you will be doing exactly as you please because it is important to you.

DH is crap at presents. I got a bouquet of flowers delivered and a meal out (no real thought or effort) but we now preempt any disappointment on my part by having a day out to my favourite city (it's only 40 miles away) before my Birthday, Christmas, wedding anniversary, etc. to choose gifts. That way I get a lovely day out just the two of us and exactly what I want. There's a big difference to being selfish, uncaring and mean with money to being rubbish at gift buying.
This year was a special Birthday. I told DH my wish was for a dog after the death of our precious lab. I was very clear. He bought me with our amazing puppy. Just because it's not a surprise doesn't mean it isn't special. I also do not buy for any of his family. That's between him and them.

It's his birthday in a few weeks and I'm really tempted to totally ignore it and take myself off for the day.

Don't do it in an upset way, tit for tat.

Just cheerfully accept that he isn't fussed about presents and start saving what you used to spend on him, to spend on yourself. Do exactly as you like in your own birthday

Either he will be happy with that or not If he isn't then you can have a sensible discussion about how you treat each other. If he wants a fuss made of him but not if you, well then you know where you are.

Whatever you do, don't do things for other adults that they don't do for you. That's a parent / child relationship, not a marriage.

We are the other way round. DH just loved a bit of fuss, cards and presents to unwrap. Now I know him well enough to know how important it is for him, I play along and make nice.

In return he let's me do exactly what I want for my birthday.

It's only fair.