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Original poster

No birthday present.

72 replies

4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:10

Just that really DH never buys me a birthday present. I've told him it really upsets me he says sorry blah blah but nothing changes. For background been married 20 years 4 DC everything else all good. I'm trying not to let it bother me but it does. It's his birthday in a few weeks and I'm really tempted to totally ignore it and take myself off for the day.

OP posts:
SavingsThreads · 13/09/2022 13:01

Is this a symptom of a bigger issue OP?

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 13:05

SavingsThreads · 13/09/2022 13:01

Is this a symptom of a bigger issue OP?

I don't think so everything else all good he is quite lazy with his df and dm as well. I have stopped reminding him of family birthday so he gets them nothing as well.

OP posts:
Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 13/09/2022 13:06

4yodas · 13/09/2022 08:19

Yeah I know it upsets me so don't want to do it to him

Show quote history

Well it doesn't upset him to do nothing for you
I think you need to show him how it feels. At least once!

SavingsThreads · 13/09/2022 13:19

I'm struggling to imagine an otherwise wonderful partner who would ignore your feelings on this matter for 20 years, while letting you spoil him.

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 13:20

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 13/09/2022 13:06

Well it doesn't upset him to do nothing for you
I think you need to show him how it feels. At least once!

Show quote history

Yes I think you are right

OP posts:
Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 13:23

SavingsThreads · 13/09/2022 13:19

I'm struggling to imagine an otherwise wonderful partner who would ignore your feelings on this matter for 20 years, while letting you spoil him.

Yes he seems to have a block or something even when I've asked him to get me something he doesn't just mumbles no time didn't know what to get. I have asked him out right why he says he doesn't know.

OP posts:
GBoucher · 13/09/2022 13:33

4yodas · 13/09/2022 13:05

I don't think so everything else all good he is quite lazy with his df and dm as well. I have stopped reminding him of family birthday so he gets them nothing as well.

Show quote history

This suggests to me he's one of those people who just don't attach much importance to birthdays (like me and my DH). It's nothing personal against you and he probably doesn't even realise it's upsetting you. You can sit him down and impress upon him that birthdays are important to you and you would really like him to make an effort. However, for those who are indifferent to birthdays including their own, it's quite hard to understand what the fuss is. If he's always been like this and it's not a recent change, you may have to accept that this is just the way he is. I think a PP's idea of arranging something you want to do for his birthday is good as you get to celebrate your birthday indirectly without ignoring his, which goes against your principles.

baileys6904 · 13/09/2022 13:37

You're about 18 years too late to try and change him now.

As pp, for his birthday get a joint treat.

noirchatsdeux · 13/09/2022 13:41

My partner of 9 years at the time completely fucked up my 50th birthday...it ranks as possibly the worst birthday I've ever had. We met just as I'd turned 41, and I'd spent 9 solid years telling him that birthdays were important to me (narcissistic parents who never gave a fuck), and how I wanted better for my 50th (my 40th was spent text fighting with my ex).

It was his 50th two years later, during lockdown. I completely ignored it, he didn't even get a card. Lockdown did give me an 'excuse' as we don't live together and he was in zone 4. But even without the pandemic I still wouldn't have done a thing. His parents took him away for the night ...whatever.

You reap what you sow.

Brefugee · 13/09/2022 13:43

I guess I do things for his birthday because I don't want the DC to think this is how you treat people.

so tell them if they ask: Daddy doesn't do anything for me either. It's how he likes it.

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 13:47

GBoucher · 13/09/2022 13:33

This suggests to me he's one of those people who just don't attach much importance to birthdays (like me and my DH). It's nothing personal against you and he probably doesn't even realise it's upsetting you. You can sit him down and impress upon him that birthdays are important to you and you would really like him to make an effort. However, for those who are indifferent to birthdays including their own, it's quite hard to understand what the fuss is. If he's always been like this and it's not a recent change, you may have to accept that this is just the way he is. I think a PP's idea of arranging something you want to do for his birthday is good as you get to celebrate your birthday indirectly without ignoring his, which goes against your principles.

Show quote history

Yes I think you have nailed it it's just accepting it is hard. I'm trying to not rely on other people to make me happy next year spa day for me I think

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 13/09/2022 13:55

Ladyofthelake53 · 13/09/2022 08:20

Two wrongs

….sometimes are needed.

I would most definitely not celebrate his birthday. Don’t reward bad behaviour!

Notaboutthebass · 13/09/2022 14:03

Do the same to him, the miserable bastard!

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/09/2022 14:06

There is no way I would do a thing for his birthday. Two wrongs isn't the point here and all you are showing your children is that it is okay for their father to do nothing for their mothers birthday.

That it is okay to treat you like shit.
Because that is what he is doing. Even though he KNOWS you like to celebrate your birthday he cannot be bothered to do anything for you. Nothing. Your wants and feelings mean nothing to him.

Just say 'oh, Dad doesn't like to do anything for birthdays'

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 14:20

Don't ignore his birthday. That's not who you are.

Next year just take his bank card on the morning of your birthday and go and buy something nice.

BestCatMumEver · 13/09/2022 14:21

Don’t do anything for his. He can’t complain.

Brefugee · 13/09/2022 14:45

I'd take a different tack, to be honest. I would buy something for me on his birthday. Bonus points if you can use his money for it.

CombatBarbie · 13/09/2022 14:56

After a couple of years I'd have stopped doing anything for his. Is it the same for mother's day (when kids were younger) and Xmas?

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 14:59

Brefugee · 13/09/2022 14:45

I'd take a different tack, to be honest. I would buy something for me on his birthday. Bonus points if you can use his money for it.

I thought you were suggesting the OP buys you a gift for a minute then Grin

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 15:14

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 14:59

I thought you were suggesting the OP buys you a gift for a minute then Grin

Show quote history

Ha that could work 😃

OP posts:
Natty13 · 13/09/2022 16:53

4yodas · 13/09/2022 12:59

I guess I do things for his birthday because I don't want the DC to think this is how you treat people.

Show quote history

What you are teaching your DC is that it's normal to do kind and loving things for people who don't do the same for you. Innocent enough with birthday presents but not a great message to teach them. You surely want them having high expectations for how their future partners will treat them?

Dacadactyl · 13/09/2022 17:46

GiantTortoise · 13/09/2022 08:23

Why don't you do something for his birthday that is really for you? Eg tickets to something you want to see, meal out at a restaurant you want to go to etc. Win win - you haven't sunk to his level and ignored his birthday, but you get to do something nice for yourself as he couldn't be bothered to arrange anything for you.

I absolutely love this idea

BestCatMumEver · 13/09/2022 17:56

What you are teaching your DC is that it's normal to do kind and loving things for people who don't do the same for you. Innocent enough with birthday presents but not a great message to teach them. You surely want them having high expectations for how their future partners will treat them?

Yes, this exactly.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/09/2022 18:16

girlmom21 · 13/09/2022 14:20

Don't ignore his birthday. That's not who you are.

Next year just take his bank card on the morning of your birthday and go and buy something nice.

Taking his bank means nothing. His lack of care means everything to the OP.

This is a rubbish idea that just lets him continue to do little for the OP.

Original poster
4yodas · 13/09/2022 18:37

Natty13 · 13/09/2022 16:53

What you are teaching your DC is that it's normal to do kind and loving things for people who don't do the same for you. Innocent enough with birthday presents but not a great message to teach them. You surely want them having high expectations for how their future partners will treat them?

Show quote history

Yes I had thought of that my thinking is that if I ignore his birthday I am doing the same thing and almost as bad as him and then he will probably say he didn't get me a present because I didn't.

OP posts: