ds has not passed test for grammar school, i'm planning on not telling dh just yet

[pukkapatch]

not sure if i am doing the right thing, or even what the right thing si.
ds has been tutored to within an inch of his life for the last six months. i have tried putting my foot down about it lots, but obviously not enough to prevent him getting very stressed about it.
13 days ago we breathed a sigh of relief that they were all ovre.
two days ago he had an operation on his nose. which is making him very uncomfortable. he is off school for the next two weeks.
today i got a letter through saying that the first choice school, his marks arent high enough. 1234 children gave the test, only 313 passed. they didnt say what his marks were. this leaves us with boys school for which he has to pass the test as we live out of catchment, or selctive private, for which he has interview sometime next week. or th elocal comp which dh has dissed excessivly to him.

basically dh will pass on his stress to ds. ds has enough to deal with right now. he has worked soooo hard. i know he will feel like a complete failure if he doesnt get into any of these schools. we are not expecting to hear till march 3rd anyways. not sure what to do.

I sympathise. We have been going through some 11+ hell for the last year? Seems like that anyway.

Not getting into the Grammar School proves one thing - that school was not the right one for him. It is not a "failure" but proof that he would not have been happy there. He was obviously up against some very stiff competition.

I would call the school and check to see if he could go on a waiting list. Around here people sit for 3/4 indepdent schools and the grammar and so effectively sit on 4/5 places until the last minute. Give the school a ring to see if there is a waiting list and where he is on it.

The fact that he has aslo been tutored to within an inch of his life has not helped either. If you have to be tutored to get into the school what happens when you get there?

exactly. i have always been of the opinion that he would not thrive in a grammar school, but dh has tunnel vision and seems to think that if he doesnt get in, then it is a failure. two completly different outlooks from both of us, with ds stuck in the middle.
the tutoring washelping him in sxhool. he has moved up sets in his class, so has helped him, but since christmas, has been a complete nightare. i dont want it to be an 'i told you so ' situation to dh. i just dont want ds to feel he has failed. which is why i am thinking of not telling dh just yet.
i will call the school , but tbh, i agree complelty, i dont think it is the right place for him

this is just really sad for your son

your dh needs to back off, this pressure will not do anyone any favours

Pleased the tutoring has helped but it is not a long term solution. Anyway at interview many schools manage to wheedle out who has been tutored or not.

I think the problem lies with your DH and his expectations for your son. There is probably some underlying reason for this - I am guessing either
a) I went to St Top of Table school adn if I did then you will, or
b) I am giving you every opportunity to go to Top Grammar and you are not trying hard

This is a situation that a friend of mine is in. They have already selected the Uni for the DS but he seems to be struggling to get in anywhere at 11+.

Your DH needs a reality check and I am afraid you are probably the woman for the job. Also, HM can give parents a view on their DC in startling B&W. Can you both get in to see DS's HM?

yes, but i cant control his behaviour.
whenn do i tell him before, or after the interview for the selective sxhool? or do i leave it till march?

The thing is about not telling is wont it come out along the grapevine etc that everyone else has heard back and then will he wonder if he has been forgotten?

When is the inde school interview?

When you do discuss this with your DH you will have to point out that should the situation arise whereby DS goes to the state secondary, you will both have to support it and let your DS know that he can succeed academically there because he's a smart lad.

DH may have thought dissing the local comp was a spur to achieving a grammar place but now the work, tests & interviews are almost over, there is no point. Moaning about the comp will just mean your son expects to fail there.

Besides, many private schools will take children that fail the entrance exam anyway if they have places to fill.

do you mean headmaster?
i suppose i could try.
his teacher has previously spoken to dh about what she thinks he is capable of, but he ignored her.

Sorry - and telling your DH...I can see you are torn but does he not have an equal right to know as you?

Yup Pukka.
You get into the Headmaster and say what school is suitable for PukkaBoy...but surely you have had guidance already?
You may need to ask leading questions to get the answers you need and aslo tell HM secretary when you book appointment what it is about so HM has time to do homework and ask appropriate staff questions.

I see you are in Surrey.

Are we talking KGS?

i think dh wants ds to go there,because he couldnt get in, and his sister'stwo dd's have gone to grammar sxhools
yes, i am sure he dissed teh local comp as a spur, despite being told a gazillion times that it is simply not a good managment technique. it is actually a fairly good school, with above national average scores. but is mixed, which is why it was not on my choices.
independant sxhool interview next week.

I'd suspect he'll find out that the resutrls are out already sooner ratehr than later in which case there is little to gain by not telling now. The tutoring won't be wasted as such if he has to go through further selection but agree if he can't pass despite that there is little point pursuing a place at a school where the standard of work would be a struggle.

wilsons.
he dint pas the wallington test in september.
he gave the sutton test in november, but we havent heard from them. that was second choice. so no hope of that. i told him he should take it more as a practice.

I wouldn't hide the info from your dh. Choose the right time - fine, but don't hide it. You need to discuss the options realistically.

Pukka - sorry I am not that side of Surrey so don't know the schools. Thought I might be able to offer further incite but can't.

11 is just too young to be made to feel a failure. This system sucks but it is what we have.

It is also worth remembering that loads of people don't get into their first choice school but it does not hold them back in life etc. Your DH needs a reality check.

insight

"I think dh wants ds to go there,because he couldnt get in, and his sister'stwo dd's have gone to grammar sxhools"

Your poor DS.

Surely it can't be that much of a surprise for your dh if he didn't pass Wallington? He must be suspecting that it might happen. His method of trying to incetivise ds may not be ideal, but he might be less surprised at the outcome than you think.

Are you just looking at one private?

Your DH cannot relive his past through your DS

Pukkapatch- No real advice Im afraid. I feel for you though in this situation. You sound like a clued up mummy but I have to say your dh will end up destroying your ds' self esteem if he insists on imposing such a limited view of success and failure on your son.
On the plus side he has 'you' to balance things out. Have you had a chat with ds? How is he feeling? Is he able to open to you about how 'he' feels, what school he would want to go to. How 'he' percieves not getting in to said school?
I know Im not answering your question but I do feel ( and you may have already done this) your son dearly needs someone willing to listen at this difficult time to what he may be feeling and experiencing as a result of all this.

exactly. but dh is such a git, we have had huge fights about him not living his life through him. etc
only the one private.
okie, si need to tell him. when?

what i have repeated again and agin to ds is that i hope he gets into a sxhool that will be good for him in th e future. he seems to understand that a sxchool may appear to be wonderful on the openday, but not be so good when you go there.
ive explained about fate, and given lots of examples, such as me not getting into medical school, his aunts not going to first choice uni etc. in a way this operation ha been good in that he is at home with me now, so away from the ususal sxhool stuff. but it is also not good because of the pain he is in and the discomfort it is causing him.

I pity your DS.