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Original poster

ds has not passed test for grammar school, i'm planning on not telling dh just yet

55 replies

pukkapatch · 23/01/2008 15:28

not sure if i am doing the right thing, or even what the right thing si.
ds has been tutored to within an inch of his life for the last six months. i have tried putting my foot down about it lots, but obviously not enough to prevent him getting very stressed about it.
13 days ago we breathed a sigh of relief that they were all ovre.
two days ago he had an operation on his nose. which is making him very uncomfortable. he is off school for the next two weeks.
today i got a letter through saying that the first choice school, his marks arent high enough. 1234 children gave the test, only 313 passed. they didnt say what his marks were. this leaves us with boys school for which he has to pass the test as we live out of catchment, or selctive private, for which he has interview sometime next week. or th elocal comp which dh has dissed excessivly to him.

basically dh will pass on his stress to ds. ds has enough to deal with right now. he has worked soooo hard. i know he will feel like a complete failure if he doesnt get into any of these schools. we are not expecting to hear till march 3rd anyways. not sure what to do.

OP posts:

smithfield · 23/01/2008 16:12

pukkapatch- I still think your ds will feel your dh's disapointment sharply. He loves his dad and will probably feel like he doesnt want to let him down.
From what you have said I think DH will struggle not to let his disapointment show in front of DH. He is projecting his own feeling of failure on to his son.
Im trying to think what I would do in this situation. It's tough because You will be unable to control dhs basic emotions regarding this, which I do think he will find difficult to hide.
I guess what I am saying is yes I do think dh needs to be told but I think you have to think through and pre-empt dh's reaction beforehand?

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 23/01/2008 16:16

pukka i am sorry for your situation

if i were in your shoes i would now 'forget' the grammar school and not ring to see where he came etc
to my mind your ds woud no enjoy the high pressure environment ...

if you have high hopes for the selective independant then dont shatter anyones confidence by letting ds/dh know about the grammar school result..

its a difficult situation but it will be resolved in no time

crokky · 23/01/2008 16:18

pukkapatch, I think you need to tell your DH as soon as you can. It will turn into a problem otherwise and he may be furious when he eventually finds out. Anyway, my advice would be to tell him when you are sure your DS is asleep. It would be horrible for your DS to have to hear his fathers disappointment etc etc and at the age of 10, it is something your DS may remember for a very long time. If the comprehensive school is not an option for your DH, I would try and find an independent school where they nurture the chilren rather than just shove them through exams and pile pressure on them. That said, I know nothing about schools as DC not school age.

Original poster

pukkapatch · 23/01/2008 16:20

yes, thats what i was thinking. if i keep quiet about it, then at the interview, there wontbe the pressure of, 'this is IT' and i can then tell dh about it, when he is away at work, so he has time to absorb the news, before seeing ds. he stays in kent one night a week.
i will tell dsisters though, so maybe they can plans ome fun stuff with ds, without telling him etc.

OP posts:

smithfield · 23/01/2008 16:21

*sorry should have read-
let his disapointment show in front of *ds

Original poster

pukkapatch · 23/01/2008 16:22

crokky, dh and i have huge issues anyways, and his anger at me wont really be something i am worried about. its not about how i feel, but about how ds feels. the entire exam thing has caused huge issues already.

OP posts:

PaulaYatesBiggestFan · 23/01/2008 16:22

my thoughts exactly pukka! keep mum ..its best for ds

TheDuchessOfNorksBride · 23/01/2008 16:24

pukka - I suppose the 'right' thing to do would be to tell your DS & DH now because they have a right to know. However, if he is going to give DS a really hard time about it, then I'd postpone it until after the private school interview.

sandyballs · 23/01/2008 16:24

Oh dear, dh really needs to back off, poor kid.

Is the comp Woodcote by any chance?

smithfield · 23/01/2008 16:24

Pukkapatch- I am just glad ds has you on his side. I think you would be surprised how many partners would back their partners blindly in situations like these.
But time to take a stand maybe? How would your dh react to being told to back off?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2008 16:26

pukkapatch

I pity your DS as well. C'mon stick up for your son. So what if he didn't get into this school?. It is not the end of the world academically for him, your husband should realise this.

Your DH sounds like he has "competitive dad syndrome" and he will do your son no favours at all acting in such a manner. Presumably his parents put the same sort of pressure on him academically, this sort of behaviour is often learnt behaviour.

Your husband cannot relive his academic life or what he perceives to be a lack of through your son. He cannot be allowed to do this - you have to stop him.

What's more important - entry to a school of DH's "choice" with all the pressure to do well that will entail (our effort got you in this school so you'd better do well now) or your son's long term happiness?.

HuwEdwards · 23/01/2008 16:27

feel for you Pukka, but so much stress for one so young. How can your dh not see that this is a Very Bad Thing ?

tiredemma · 23/01/2008 16:28

I would certainly wait until after the interview for the other school before you tell your DH. The pressure otherwise on your poor son will be immense.

yurt1 · 23/01/2008 16:30

I think that when you do tell him (whenever that is) your dh needs a very stern taking to. He is behaving dreadfully.

Desiderata · 23/01/2008 16:33

Is it not enough just to want your son to be healthy and happy?

Your dh is a deluded git. Sorry, but he is.

MrsGuyOfGisbourne · 23/01/2008 16:34

CBM - at the parents who have poicked out a Uni for their pre-11 child! Counting the rotors...
PP - your DS is lucky that you have a balanced view - if you speak to DH privately out of earshot- preferably out of the house - hopefully he will be able to digest his didappointment and be positive to DS re the remaining options.
I know several couples who are bitterly and openly divided on views as to schools for their upcoming 11 year-olds - you are not alone.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2008 16:35

I'm glad your son has you on his side.

I also think though that you are afraid of your husband and this is the latest in a long line of issues you have in this relationship.

He will need to be told at some point that his son was not selected for this particular school. What do you think his reaction will be at that time; blame you, blame your son for his so called "failure"?. I think both of you are going to feel his wrath. If this is the case you need to start examining other areas of your relationship.

Original poster

pukkapatch · 23/01/2008 18:57

my relationship is nonexistent. i know that. but that's not what i am concerned about in all this. i am concerned that ds will feel that he is a failure, because he really really worked hard. (three years ago, he was still seeing the senco. hehas pulled himself up so much that he was able to sit these exams.)
i want him to be healthy and happy and content.
the really funny thing in all this, is that i am the one who comes from a really academic background. in his family, dh is the first to successfully complete university, and only the second to actualy go. his older brother dropped out. whereas the last six generations of my family have been educated at uni, with mom and quite a few of her siblings being lecturers at uni. mom is actually head of department. whilst uni was always teh basic level of qualifications expected, it was always in quite a relaxed way, iyswim.

his interview is next friday. and they will be seeing him without dh and i , which i am pleased about. fingers crossed now that dh doesnt ask about it in the next ten days.

OP posts:

smithfield · 23/01/2008 19:40

pp- I just worry where it will all end. If he doees get into this school, will your dh continue to apply pressure?
I think he may well do. He may use the fact that it is a private school and that ds should work harder to show gratitude for money spent etc. That he must make the grade for uni!
I know you have limited time to take 'more immediate decisions' regarding wether or not to tell dh/ds but what about the longhaul?
You hit the nail on the head when you talk of the relaxed environment within which you yourself thrived academically.
Children are very perceptive.
I think you DH's brother 'dropping out' is an indication that your dh may currently be replicating the pressured environment he experienced.
It will effect your sons future in the end whatever the immediate outcome.

Sakura · 23/01/2008 23:18

Pukkapatch, its interesting that you say your family is the academic one, whilst your husband's family isn't. I live in Japan where the pressure some families put on kids to succeed in education is phenomenal. But I read a report that said the most pushy mothers or "kyoukiku-Mama" are the ones who have no secondary education. Its as if the mothers who are actually well-educated have more balanced view of education i.e its good, but its not the be all and end all. It sound like you really have a balanced view and your son will be fine because I think its the mother's attitude that ultimately has more influence on the child's self-esteem. But as I said, it doesn't suprise me that your husband's family is not as academic as yours- he has a real chip on his shoulder. If only he knew how unsophisticated his attitude was!

Original poster

pukkapatch · 23/01/2008 23:24

[wry smile] during our many arguments, i have pointed out to him that if he hadnt had me as his girlfriend, he would have dropped out of uni just likehis brother had. his dad had died and hismom wasnt too keen on him coming and asking for money to help pay his way.......
i do hope that i can be a calming influence. not feeling particularly calm at the moment.

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 23/01/2008 23:28

The most important thing for your DS is to be reassured and happy. Why did you enter him for the exam btw? It doesn't sound like the right thing to do. Selective private schools are completely viciously competitive, it saps and destroys confidence of even brighter than average boys because they end up permanently at the bottom.

Lots of love, lots of hugs and take the pressure off him.

Heated · 23/01/2008 23:38

Your dh reminiscent of my father I think. I was pretty gutted at not getting an assisted place at 11 which meant I'd be going to state school. My father was quite muted which meant that my mother had threatened him within an inch of his life not to say anything or show it (lol now).

Maybe say to your dh that if he can't say anything nice to ds, that he isn't to say anything at all on the subject.

My younger ds did get his assisted place at his school which pleased my father no end. Hwr, it turned out I achieved the better examination results at all levels and my father came round very quickly in favour of the comp (much to my embarrassment he was chair of governors!)

Give it time, dh'll accept it. And from someone who teaches at a grammar school, it can be quite tough for those who only scrape through. From what I've seen, imo, better to be at the top of the pile somewhere else.

Heated · 23/01/2008 23:39

That should read, my younger brother not ds.. (a signal it's time for bed, methinks)

Original poster

pukkapatch · 23/01/2008 23:51

that has always been my argument to him. why put ds at the bottom of the pile? but he has been mega insistent. so i let him be tutored etc. only really became a nightmare over christmas. before that, at leat it was helping him in some ways.
i'm glda he didnt scrape through.
didnt thinkt he slective private would be that competitive. surely not? please not..

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