ds has not passed test for grammar school, i'm planning on not telling dh just yet

[pukkapatch]

not sure if i am doing the right thing, or even what the right thing si.
ds has been tutored to within an inch of his life for the last six months. i have tried putting my foot down about it lots, but obviously not enough to prevent him getting very stressed about it.
13 days ago we breathed a sigh of relief that they were all ovre.
two days ago he had an operation on his nose. which is making him very uncomfortable. he is off school for the next two weeks.
today i got a letter through saying that the first choice school, his marks arent high enough. 1234 children gave the test, only 313 passed. they didnt say what his marks were. this leaves us with boys school for which he has to pass the test as we live out of catchment, or selctive private, for which he has interview sometime next week. or th elocal comp which dh has dissed excessivly to him.

basically dh will pass on his stress to ds. ds has enough to deal with right now. he has worked soooo hard. i know he will feel like a complete failure if he doesnt get into any of these schools. we are not expecting to hear till march 3rd anyways. not sure what to do.

Pukka,
my ds failed Wallington (not badly but you know how competitive it is) as well but dh wanted to put him in for Wilson's anyway. On the day of the test I refused to take him (but ds had already told me that he would "fail the test deliberately"). Dh was not happy but I knew it was the right thing to do.

The competitiveness of the private school will depend on the one you've chosen - are you looking in Croydon?

Dh (and his older brother) went to wallington boys, class of 89/90.

Dh alwasy liked the idea of our boys going there too (IMO anyway, he's reading over my shoulder now) but personally I hated the idea. I couldn't stand the idea of pushing them to succeed at such a young age even though DS1(especially) is probably more then capable I just didn't want the whole tutoring and 11+ and entrance exams just to get them into a school which would push them further once (or if) they got a place.

God, the thought given me shivers.

Anyway, we live in east sussex now so there no chance of them going...thank god!

Pukka, I hope ds is happy with whatever school he goes too not whatever school dh wants.

I can't understand all the pressure put on children at this age - ds just rolled up on the day and had a go.

Hopefully your ds will find a school that he will be happy in.

Oh pukka, what a horrible situation.

I feel for your ds AND your dh in a way. You have the balanced view really. Your dh will be hit hard by this - but you know it might just be the slap in the face he needs to wake up to the reality of serving ds's best interests not his own.

I'd definitely tell him. One evening, when you are alone, explain what happened, why it happened, what it means and what is going to happen next.

Give him some time to process it and keep repeating the line until he gets it.

Meanwhile, tell ds 'we're going to look at lots of schools to find the one that best suits you.' In this circumstances I might be tempted NOT to tell ds he didn't get in, but see which one takes him and say 'we've found the best school.'

Though not sure if your dh is up for that level of duplicity?

pukka - i have friends at selective private whilst mine go to selective state

from this standpoint only i would say that the state grammars are much more pushy and competitive . i also think the private schools have more to offered - our state grammar has a very narrow academic focus

hth