Very worried about best friend’s husband

[Elsiebear90]

I would really appreciate some advice on this as I don’t know to suggest to my friend and how to help.

My best friend has been with her husband for 8 years, they own a house together (with 200k left on the mortgage) and have a three year old.

From the get go her husband seemed quite paranoid, controlling and antisocial, I expressed concerns as did her family, but she was adamant she wanted to marry him so we all just had to accept it.

Since their daughter was born (she’s 3) he started drinking very heavily, he does nothing around the house and won’t do anything with his daughter (he was lazy before but has got a lot worse). He has become very paranoid, checking up on her and accusing her of having affairs and sleeping with basically any man she talks to including their middle aged married builders.

He thinks his family (he works for the family business) and co workers are plotting against him, he’s even contacted solicitors about suing his family, the other day his brother asked him if he had any loft insulation he could borrow and then sent him on this bizarre spiral of thinking his brother had broken into his garage to spy on him and talk to the builders?! He then kicked all the builders out, kicked one of the doors off its hinges and smashed a chair and lamp to pieces.

He is constantly talking about committing suicide, he even told their daughter to kiss him goodbye as this would be the last time she saw him. He won’t see a doctor and is self medicating with alcohol and drugs (which he never touched before). My best friend’s family think he’s going to snap one day and kill them all, to the point where her dad has given her weapons to protect herself from him.

She has tried to get him to agree he has a problem and he needs help, but he blames everything on her and the stress of the extension they’re having built. She says he is “normal” for a while then he hears or sees something innocent that sends him into a rage and paranoia and he can’t be reasoned with, eventually he snaps out of and then wants to act like everything is normal again.

My friend isn’t in love with him, wants to leave him, but it scared she will lose her house as she can’t afford to buy him out, she’s currently trying to get his family to reason with him and get him to see a doctor, but he won’t. Please help, I’m so scared for them and I don’t know what to advise or how to help.

I'd suggest she makes a police report regarding the violent incident the other day. Women's aid can also support. It's possible he could be removed from the house depending on the situation. Can she afford to cover the mortgage if he goes?

If it was my

If it was

If it was my friend I'd move her out in with me and the police called at any contact
Then a solicitor for the rest

This man clearly has mental health difficulties which are manifesting themselves in paranoid and controlling behaviours. I’m not a psychologist so I’m not going to analyse this brief message and pronounce him as having a a type of psychosis, but I would suggest your friend Googles psychosis and explores terms such as schizophrenia and delusional disorder as these may help her understand his condition and explore options for seeking help. As a priority though, she must make sure she gets herself and her child to safety.

She is very fixated on keeping the house for her daughter to live in above everything else (she has a place at a very good school in the catchment area). She doesn’t think she will be able to cover the mortgage on her own, she earns well (around 40k), but doesn’t think they would transfer the mortgage to her as there’s 200k left to pay? She was hoping that she could get an agreement that she could stay in the house until her daughter is 18 and sell then, but doesn’t know how likely that will be?

We are worried he has paranoid schizophrenia, and I don’t think he would leave the house willingly, but as he’s not hit her or their daughter she doesn’t know if the police would intervene? She’s been taking photos of the damage and is writing down his behaviour so she has some proof, but doesn’t know who she should give this to and if they would even help?

As a friend - there's really very little you can practically do in this situation. It does sound like she needs to leave - but only she can make that choice - and no matter the issues with her husband - that is a difficult choice to make.
As a friend - I would maybe just make sure she knows she can come to you for help when needed. Be that offering her a place to stay - helping her see a solicitor - or just being a shoulder to cry on.

Other than that - stay out of it - it's their lives.

Can you get her to speak to women's aid? He sounds abusive. I think the suicide threats are manipulative.

I really don't know much about these things, but could the family not stage an intervention? I've read about other people doing this when the person who is experiencing this sort of issue really can't make any decisions of their own...not sure what it entails but perhaps someone else on here knows?

I'd point out that if he kills them (to protect them from others, or himself from them), they won't need the house.

Stay safe, then worry about housing.

Is there a way of arguing/pleading her caee with the school to secure her dad's place; that her child would be destabilised and disadvantaged by being made to move schools (due to the already destabilising separation of parents and move out of family home)?

Perhaps she should speak to them and see if she can continue attending even if she had to move elsewhere.

Has your friend discussed her husbands behaviour with his family? As he works for them, they have presumably seen some of the same signs.

Iif she is not exaggerating, this behaviour is very worrying. I lived next door to a family where similar things were happening, one of them was eventually sectioned for threatening a non family member.

The first step is probably to make sure your friend keeps a detailed but unsensational record of all these incidents, as this may help her to achieve a correct settlement if they do split up.

*dd's

Not would her daughter need the good school.

Haven't people suffering from severe me talk health issues he one convinced their partners/kids etc are demons or similar and murderer them in several cases?

Nor would her daughter need the good school.

Haven't people suffering from severe mental health issues become convinced their partners/kids etc are demons or similar and murdered them in several cases?

She’s definitely not exaggerating, if anything she is downplaying it. Her family are very chilled people and they are genuinely worried he’s going to kill her and/or their daughter. He came to my wedding abroad in June and everyone there commented on how bizarre his behaviour was and how horribly he treated her, she was surprised and told us this is normal for him and he is usually much worse.

I stayed out of it until she told me about his paranoia escalating and him smashing the house up, now I’m very worried he’s heading for a full blown breakdown or psychosis and could hurt them.

Yes, many times.

please convince her that the house isnt worth it-he could kill them both then what

she should at tleast phone 101 and tel them about his bizarre behaviousr and that she is scared

She'd be better off losing the house than her or one of her Childrens' lives.
This man's mental state sounds explosive. Your friend is playing a very dangerous game staying with this man.

She seems to be in denial as to how serious the situation is. It sounds like she's become so used to his behaviour that she no longer sees it as being as severe as it is. It will probably take a sudden escalation to wake her up and make her realise that he is dangerous. Unfortunately that could also be the escalation that seriously harms her or her daughter, or worse case scenario, ends up in them being murdered.

Advice you can give your friend:

1. Call the mental health crisis team and ask for an emergency assessment. If she tells them that he is being physically violent and threatening suicide they should come out within 24 hours. This is not something that her DH needs to do for himself, unlike a GP appointment.
2. Call Women's Aid and ask for their advice and support with leaving her DH.
3. Every time he makes threats or is violent, she should call the police. Even if they do nothing, the fact she called will be logged and establish a pattern of violent behaviour. This will help in future if and when she leaves him/tries to get him assessed for mental health sectioning.

However, from what you've said, I don't think she's going to do any of these things.

As for you, if you really want to ensure her safety - and most importantly that of her child - you can always ring social services. To be perfectly honest, that's what I would do. Perhaps having her child removed from a home where a father is violent, abusing alcohol and threatening suicide constantly will wake her up to the reality that ensuring she and her child stay alive is more important than keeping a house to remain in a bloody school catchment.

Better to risk losing the house than her and her daughter's lives.
She should ring domestic abuse charity and ask for advice.

Yes she’s said herself she thinks she’s become used to his behaviour as she seemed genuinely shocked that everyone thought he was behaving awfully at our wedding, we heard him call her names in front of their daughter (tw*t being one of them). I was gobsmacked and she didn’t even blink, when I brought it up with her later she said she’d forgotten he said it as she’s so used to him calling her names. He criticises her parenting all the time, undermines her and generally just speaks to her with contempt. He controls the way she parents and can do spiteful things that upset their little girl, like giving her favourite toy away to another child in front of her so he could fit more alcohol in the suitcase to bring home.

Her family can’t understand why she puts up with him, I’ve been gently asking her why she’s not split and she said she thinks he just needs to accept help from his doctor and then maybe he could be normal again (I don’t think he was ever normal though tbh), that she would feel guilty kicking him out and she doesn’t want to lose her house for her and her DD.

She’s been looking at how much maintenance she can get and how she can potentially remain in the house until her daughter is 18 though, so maybe that’s a sign she’s starting to realise she should leave him?

I will advise her to call the crisis team and women’s aid if his family can’t convince him to get help, I’m just scared to do or advise something that may trigger his paranoia and rage further (like reporting to social services) as I think he’s dangerous and I don’t have much faith that the police will offer any protection since he’s not been physically violent towards them or anyone else.

What good is the house to her if he kills her and her daughter?

There are millions of cases where people end up dead because they ignored the risks and warning signs.

Drug abuse, increased paranoia, violence.

Have you or her family told her that you are all so scared for her wellbeing that you want to contact SS? In this instance, if she won't listen or help herself,it may be the only option.

I would say to her, in so many words, fuck the house. There are a million houses in the world. She can always get another house. And any house, even a damp or crumbly one, even one not in the good catchment area, is better for her child than one that contains an angry, paranoid, abusive man. She and her DC each have one precious irreplaceable life, and she can piss away her own for this house if she wants, but she has no right to force her DC to live like this for the sake of some bricks and mortar.

If she can't or won't hear you: I would speak to SS, for the sake of the DC.

Um- once your child is in the school, you can move house?? The catchment is only for admissions! It's term time now??