I'm privately so needy/anxious, and I hate it...

[orangesunshine]

Namechanged as it's a bit embarrassing. I was wondering if anyone can relate to this and could offer any advice as my own thought processes are really getting me down.

I'm someone who comes across as pretty confident. I've got several wonderful, close friends, and a fairly good social life. The problem is that, privately, I easily become paranoid about what people think of me - literally if they don't reply to whatsapp messages or seem a bit distant/busy over whatever, I start to fret and worry I've somehow annoyed them or they've 'gone off' me.

Obviously I never make this clear to people, and such silly fears have never actually turned out to be true! But I can't seem to help it. Yesterday I was at a party, the husband in a couple DH and I are friends with seemed quite off with me - just like he didn't really want to chat or whatever - and today I feel low about it. It feels ridiculous and teenage that I should care so much about this kind of thing, and even though I hide it well, I want to change it.

I think I understand WHY I'm like this - I'm an only child, my mum died when I was a teenager and my father is very distant, so I think I invest a lot in friendships - but I just want to stop thinking like this.

I completely relate to this, I have it happen a lot with friends, I think it affected me more when I was younger, now I guess as long as I've got my OH and children that's my priority, in the past I haven't been able to hide these feelings the way you can, and it never really got me anywhere. I do tend to try and hide it now, not always possible though.
Is this guy your OHs friend? I've got a situation like this with my OHs best friend, I've chosen to leave it and not talk about it as like I say never gets me anywhere. Is there a reason he could be acting like that though?
Considering your past I think it's natural you're like this, and worth speaking to your OH about xx

Oh God, I do this all the time!

I have to really rein myself in before it spirals. I think it's part social anxiety and part general anxiety.

Like you, I have several close friends and relationships with people. I often get invited to places. I can easily speak to new people and chat ect

Soon as I get home I go over everything I said, worry if people thought I was a weirdo, tell myself my friends arnt actually my friends and it was a pity invite 🤣

It's awful and I dont know why I do it to myself because clearly it isnt true. My friends do like me. New people i meet seem to like me too.

I grew up with a large close family, several siblings and cousins. And I still feel like that

Thanks so much @Wifey2b . I do mention it to my DH if I feel paranoid about a friendship but he'll tell me not to be silly...it sounds unsympathetic but it IS a bit silly usually. Weirdly I don't feel needy within my marriage - I'm not possessive or jealous - it's just friends.

With the male friend yesterday - I wouldn't say that he's more DH's friend really, we are kind of a foursome with him and his wife. We all go out to dinner together regularly etc, and he and I normally get on really well - but yesterday it was if he was almost blanking me. Probably nothing personal of course, but it's making me feel down, and as a result I'm aware I really need to change how I think and respond to people.

I 10000% relate and I also love all the memes on Instagram about this issue. My favourite one was about starting a podcast called “are you mad at me” as an excuse to interview your friends each week to check if they’re mad at you 😂 Unfortunately it’s just social anxiety and you just have to charge on through, distract yourself, realise you would still have worth even if everyone in the world hated you, read memoirs of people who have lived through hell and carried on etc to get some perspective. I have no real solutions except to say you’re not alone.

I live in constant fear that everyone will realise I’m not actually cool, like I’ve just managed to fool my very varied and lively social circle that I’m much much cooler than I am but one day they will all simultaneously realise, maybe form a WhatsApp group to discuss, and then all drop me forever. I carry on 😂

Omg I needed to read this today! I am the same. I am currently in a new relationship and my anxiety is spiralling big time and I keep catastrophising and thinking he is going to break up with me. I also use his time to reply to WhatsApp messages as an indicator of whether he is about to leave. I do the same with friendships but slightly less so because I am less emotionally invested. At the root is my childhood where both my parents were self absorbed and emotionally abusive. It honestly feels like I am going crazy though and I know I need to sort it out. I am getting counselling but it doesn’t start for a couple of weeks so I am on my own until then.

At the moment, I am trying out feeling my anxiety and acknowledging it but remaining secure that I won’t act on it. That is helping a little bit. I am also trying out affirmations and remembering that I am a good person even if others leave me or don’t see my worth.

it’s so so hard though and I wish I wasn’t like this 😂

@ErmIDontKnow - thank you! I do EXACTLY the same thing socially, always come back from parties or gatherings fretting that people thought I was actually dreadful and didn't want me there 😖it's even worse when I drink.

Interesting you come from a big loving family too. I always thought my issues stemmed from loss and being an only child etc, but perhaps not.

Have you (or has anyone) ever taken steps to fix this. I once read Nigella Lawson saying - 'what other people think of me is their business'. Such wise words and I try to remember that...BUT when anyone seems a bit distant towards me (like the friend last night), for whatever reason, I take it very personally.

@Blueberrywitch - hahaha about friends forming a whatsapp group to discuss how much that hate you! I so can relate! I do try to truck on but it takes up way too much headspace really - completely ridiculous as I'm in my mid-forties with a husband, friends and a career. Weirdly, I work freelance and have to contend with a lot of rejection and uncertainty on a regular basis - not easy, but I manage it FAR better that I do if a friend hasn't replied to a text or seemed a bit off with me socially.

@Findingithard43 - aw, I do remember those days in an early relationship. I think that (generally) men can be a bit more abrupt when it comes to communication and get a bit distracted by stuff and it's almost never a reflection of how they feel about you. Interesting we had similar backgrounds (I'm sorry you went through that). Do lots of people see you as pretty strong and tough as a result of it, but actually you have this whole inner insecurity that hardly anyone else sees? That is how it is for me...

Make a list of 27 reason why he might have been a bit off that have nothing to do with you. Be as realistic or as fanciful as you like. The trick is to let your brain know there are loads of things going on for other people that we don’t know and to realise someone’s bad mood may not be about us.

I’ll start you off:

• he ate dodgy curry yesterday and had bad stomach ache and was worried he would fart loudly
• a project he is responsible for at work is going to be late and he’s going to have to explain it to senior managers next week
• Someone at the party was wearing perfume that reminded him of an ex he hated / an ex he loved but dumped him cruelly

your turn….

Do lots of people see you as pretty strong and tough as a result of it, but actually you have this whole inner insecurity that hardly anyone else sees? That is how it is for me...

omg yes! Everyone thinks I am strong and sorted and I’m sure they’d be shocked at what a mess I am internally. I’ve even had people describe me as cold and aloof when the exact opposite is true and I’m constantly worrying about what people think and whether they secretly hate me. I think I always kept my feelings in check as a child due to my parents not being emotionally available and this has made me do the same as an adult. If I told people how I really felt, I’m sure they’d think I was a psycho.

thanks for your kind words re the relationship. I just have to ride through it I guess and focus on my own self-worth.

Totally relate! I convince myself that friends I care about are judging me. I'm fine with lost of my friends it just happens with the ones I really like. I get really anxious meeting up and go over everything we talked about later. I often use drink to help me through a party or meeting with a friend.
It's so annoying, I don't get anxious about anything else including my relationship.

Any help gratefully received. I've talked about it in therapy and they said I should just ask myself 'really what is the worst thing they could be thinking and even if they do what difference does it make'

I also come accross as sociable, fun, interesting etc! Nobody would know what goes through my head!

@Shortpoet - 😂 good idea! It's TRUE, I KNOW that there's always a million reasons why someone seems off or a text gets missed or whatever but I just can't seem to always take it personally. It goes the other way, I always do my best to reply to friends quickly or IF there's any reason why I might have seemed a bit distracted or rude etc, I'll usually be aware of it and explain it to them when I have the chance. It kind of baffles me that people go around just not thinking or worrying about this...

We should all be friends, it would be a paranoid mess 🤣

@Findingithard43 and @Shreik - thank you! It's so reassuring to know that I'm not alone. I've also had some therapy years ago, but we didn't really get into this side of things.

It's also not with 'everyone' - I'm definitely not a people pleasing type and don't feel a huge need to be popular and have everyone around love me...it's just the friends I really care about that I feel so sensitive towards...

I think this is far more common than most people would admit. There is is even a name for it - imposter syndrome. It is harder these days with all the social media. I would not be at all surprised if most, if not all, your friends feel the same way as you. It comes from the fact that to all of us we are the most important person we know and we obsess over our own quirks. If our lives were a film, we would have the starring role with others as the supporting cast to a greater or lesser extent. When we realise that this is the same for everyone, it is very freeing. Everyone else is so concerned with their own concerns that they enjoy your company and don’t think about your self-perceived flaws.

@Shreik - ha, maybe we'd all be really warm and attentive at all times!

It's also stuck me that DH doesn't place nearly the same demands on his own friendships. If a mate takes time getting back to him or whatever, he doesn't care at all. He's also very able to be out of contact with friends for months on end and then pick up where he left off. Actually, given the demands of kids and work, I DO have close friends that I see far less regularly and I don't worry about them so much - I feel confident that when we do get together, it will be like no time has passed, and it's always the way. It's the ones I see most regularly that I worry about the most, which doesn't even really make sense...😝

Likewise, reassured to know there are people with similar issues
Also interesting about how it's just those people we care about most, for me I'm closest to these people, when I think about it they are the ones I have opened up most to so perhaps it's that exposure and trust.

And yes, I have friends I don't see for months and have no concerns if they don't reply to a text or something

I'm sure you're a lovely thoughtful friend though! I know I am 😁

@Violinist64 - wise and interesting words, thank you. I know about imposter syndrome but actually I've only ever thought about it in professional terms, but I suppose it applies to our social lives too.

You're right about social media (though I don't use any) - interesting that we are increasingly all presenting the world with versions of ourselves that we want the world to see. Like that quote 'don't judge someone else's showreel by your own cutting room floor' - I love that.

Actually Orange, there is an amazing book called The Four Agreements, a practical guide to personal freedom. I must read it again actually but it is a really mind blowing book of wisdom around 4 key “agreements” that you need to make with yourself. The key ones relevant here are to never assume and to never take things personally. Very freeing, and a quick read! I recommend getting a copy and revisiting occasionally!

@Shreik 😊 I'm sure you are...people often tell me that I'm such a good friend and I'm the first person I go to with their problems etc. Maybe that is the silver lining, that these tendencies make us more thoughtful in how we deal with others?

That said, I'd still LOVE to hear from anyone who has overcome thinking and feeling this way. I don't want to get to fifty and still be fretting about how friends feel about me....

I haven’t RTFT, but Google Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria, it’s a trait that people who have been diagnosed with ADHD (or who have self-diagnosed) often identify with.
Sometimes it’s just PMT!

@Blueberrywitch - thank you for the recommendation. I've got to admit I find it hard to absorb a lot of self-help wisdom, I don't know why...I do a lot of meditative-type yoga and while I love all the 'you are enough' style sentiment and it helps me relax physically, it doesn't seem to change my mindset long term. I will certainly look though...

Yes I’m sure we would all be super attentive to each other! 😂
i too would welcome any stories of overcoming it. It’s definitely mainly with the people who I feel strongly about and I guess who I would be gutted about if the relationship ended. Interestingly, I don’t have it with my siblings (not close to parents) despite caring deeply about them and I think that’s because I know that they never would leave me. All the other relationships feel more fragile and there is a worry at the back of my head that they could decide one day that I am not worth bothering with 😞

You might be interested in reading about attachment theory, insecure attachment snd how to help become securely attached, especially since you know you have some childhood traumas that probably has contributed to how safe you felt as a child, which is now affecting your relationships and friendships

I have had mixed success with DBT too it's like behavioural management strategies