I'm privately so needy/anxious, and I hate it...

[orangesunshine]

Namechanged as it's a bit embarrassing. I was wondering if anyone can relate to this and could offer any advice as my own thought processes are really getting me down.

I'm someone who comes across as pretty confident. I've got several wonderful, close friends, and a fairly good social life. The problem is that, privately, I easily become paranoid about what people think of me - literally if they don't reply to whatsapp messages or seem a bit distant/busy over whatever, I start to fret and worry I've somehow annoyed them or they've 'gone off' me.

Obviously I never make this clear to people, and such silly fears have never actually turned out to be true! But I can't seem to help it. Yesterday I was at a party, the husband in a couple DH and I are friends with seemed quite off with me - just like he didn't really want to chat or whatever - and today I feel low about it. It feels ridiculous and teenage that I should care so much about this kind of thing, and even though I hide it well, I want to change it.

I think I understand WHY I'm like this - I'm an only child, my mum died when I was a teenager and my father is very distant, so I think I invest a lot in friendships - but I just want to stop thinking like this.

Interesting. I am on the pill now so I don’t have a cycle but when I did, I suffered heavily with PMT. I knew that in the week before my period, my anxiety spiralled out of control and that any thoughts I had were unlikely to be rational. This was balanced by feeling much more sensible and sane in the other weeks. Now that I’m on the pill, I can’t use that as guidance anymore, which is annoying.

@Libelula21 - that is an amazing co-incidence, I heard of Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria for the first time last week! A lot of it does apply to me (but then, is ANYONE truly okay with rejection - it always hurts, right?!) but a lot of ADHD symptoms don't. Interesting though....

Interestingly, I also don't do well with people smothering me either. So actually, if I was having someone constantly message or text me, that would turn me off/freak me out. Maybe I am just crazy, lol.
I read about rejection sensitive dysphoria but it doesn't sound that much like me because I don't get hypersensitive about criticism. Nor do I have ADHD. However, anxious attachment style sounds like me big time and also makes sense given my background.

I'm exactly the same!!!
My counsellor said to me once that I'm the sort of person who if I walked down the street and 99 people out of 100 said hello/smiled at me, I'd focus a lot more on the 1 person who didn't.
I wouldn't factor in they may be sad/bad day/argument before leaving the house etc. I'd instantly think it was on purpose and because of something I'd done wrong.
And don't get me started on relationships! I've been in one for almost 2 yrs and his communication is shocking, yet I still manage to worry/panic/think he is going to end it.
It's very common for people to be like this and I wish more than anything I could change.

Sometimes it helps just to know that you are wired in a way that these things hurt more than average, that it’s ok, just take some deep breaths and realise it’s not as bad as you think.

Have you looked into attachment styles? You sound anxious/preoccupied to me... Once I worked out that I was like this, fixing it was only a hop, skip and jump away.

Oooh, do you have any tips please?? I am definitely anxious attachment style and I know why that is. How do I go about fixing it?

@watchkeys - thank you. I know about attachment styles but haven't properly looked into the different types and how they impact so I will spend some time on this. If you don't mind me asking, how did you 'fix' this? xx

This is me on every school run OP!

@SlurpSlooChortle - sorry you feel that. I know a lot of people DO find the school gate thing challenging and while I'm drive myself mad easily worrying about what friends might think of me, that 'wider circle' thing doesn't really bother me. I don't care about being part of a 'gang' and run pretty fast from group gatherings and organised fun with people I don't know well (coffee mornings and whatnot)...it's the people who actually ARE my friends who I worry about. It makes very little sense, I know! 😂

There were 2 aspects of fixing it for me: 1) learning to come from a standpoint of 'I'm not faulty/there's nothing wrong with me', and 2) recognising incompatibility, and the fact that it isn't anybody's fault.

Once I had those 2 things straight in my head, I was able to accept that sometimes things feel wrong or imperfect, or even that some relationships fail, and it isn't my problem to fix. It preceded something of a friend-cull, where I realised that I, myself, wasn't happy in several friendships, and where, previously, I'd been trying to work out what I could change (i.e. what was 'wrong with me'), I changed to realise that if I'm not faulty, then the friendship simply wasn't working for me, so I backed away. One particular friend had been using me for years, and I hadn't realised, simply thinking that I was being sensitive or mean or rude when things didn't feel right.

It's really about recognising that if a friendship isn't working for you, it isn't working for you, and then pulling away. Friendships that work don't require analysis, so the presence of analysis means something unhealthy is occurring.

@Watchkeys - thank you. Very interesting, although my (faulty) thought patterns mean that even if a friendship is healthy and functional in broad terms, I become hyper-sensitive within them. For example, if a friend forgets to reply to a whatsapp message I will think on a logical level, 'they're busy and they forgot'. But internally I'm thinking 'did I annoy them that last time we hung out? Maybe they're a bit sick of me etc etc etc'. It's NONSENSE I know. I just want to stop thinking like this.

There it is. Stop calling your feelings nonsense. They are quite literally the definition of who you are. Why are you calling the expressions of your heart and soul 'nonsense'?

Imagine if a friend said to you 'I feel like you're upset with me'. Would you dismiss them and tell them their feelings were nonsense and that they should stop feeling them, or would you class that as being quite disrespectful?

I think though that often the feelings that I am expressing bear little link to the actual behaviour. So if someone were to get very angry and upset with me because I didn’t reply to their message (which could have been for instance because I was driving at the time), I’d feel a bit put out and confused. Sometimes I think that these thoughts protect us from bad situations - for instance people who ghost us or are abusive to us. But I am getting this where there objectively is nothing wrong and the person is lovely to me, yet my mind runs absolutely rampant on me. I think I struggle a bit to say that these feelings should be validated.

i definitely think it’s important to know where the feelings come from. My family broke down when I was 12, I had to leave all my friends to move to a new country and lost contact with them permanently, I was bullied, my mother was emotionally unavailable and my father was violent, I struggled to make new friends, and I felt really miserable. As an adult, I have had partners ghost me and disappear and never really explain why. Obviously when I put that down on paper, I can begin to understand why I react like I do. However, I know it would be better for me if I could be more secure AND still hang onto friendships and relationships.

However, I do think there is definitely something in having a friendship cull and to develop an attitude that if someone doesn’t want to be with me, that is their problem rather than mine. I am hoping to get to that level at some point.

Same same same @Findingithard43 EXACTLY the same. New guy and no text for a few hours and im completely thrown and binning him off (mentally) or imagining the 'how very dare you' convos we need to have.

In the rest of my life I'm rational pragmatic senior decision maker, fun loving etc. Just get obsessive about new men and what they think of me instead of being secure and confident and relaxed about whether people do or don't like me (or whether I like them!)

@Watchkeys - thank you. It's really that I want to change my way of thinking and overcome the paranoia...I don't mean to sound hard on myself, but often my worries ARE nonsensical. Friends will forget to reply to messages or seem a bit off on occasion for reasons that aren't to do with me, I want to be able to shrug it off and not worry it's something I've done.

@Findingithard43 - I'm so sorry you went through all that. I had some trauma when I was young also - my mother died suddenly when I was 12 and my father developed crippling depression and alcoholism as a result. I was lucky to have amazing supportive friends that helped me through the hard times (many of whom are still very close to me now). Probably because I valued my friendships so highly at the time, it's made me internally overtly 'clingy', though I keep this very private - it's probably only my 'best' friend and DH that know I can react like this. It's probably similar for you - the background is one of insecurity, so you need reassurance from your partners and feel panicked if you feel it's under threat....

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss and @Findingithard43 - god yes, I do remember feeling exactly the same in other relationships and in the early days of DH. I've been married a LONG time now and actually, DH was a 'steadier' type than I'd previously gone for. Not the type to mess around or play games and that is probably why I married him! That said, I do remember early days of fretting he must be about to dump me if he didn't reply straight away...but all these years later I don't do that. We've had our ups and downs but even in the most difficult times I don't worry we're on the edge of divorce and certainly haven't worried about infidelity or anything...so I think if you have a mindset like we do, don't go for men who will mess you about! God knows when I was younger I had a few of those...

Oh wow, yes, the imaginary conversations… It’s awful. I so wish I wasn’t like this. I guess at least I don’t let on that I am doing this (unless he is telepathic) so maybe he won’t think I am some sort of psychopath. I know rationally in my head that I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me yet it doesn’t stop my mind from going totally bonkers on me.
I also have a responsible job, am seen as a safe pair of hands, level-headed etc. Yet I’m doing this. It’s quite debilitating.

@orangesunshine thank you so much for your kind words and it sounds like you went through a really tough time too. I am glad you had good friends because that was something I was lacking, although I had my sisters. I think a lot of the stuff has reared its head quite recently. I am starting counselling in a few weeks and at the moment I am so feeling that I need it! I hope that I will at least begin to make sense of it all and recover and my counsellor specialises in trauma which is good.

It does help so much to know that there are others who feel the same though and hopefully we can all help to heal from this.

i am really pleased that you feel secure with your DH. I dream of getting to that place too.

I hear you! It's so hard to know when you're being over sensitive and spiralling or when your feelings are legit. I guess recognising why it happens is a good step but I think some kind of talking therapy/CBT could be useful? I know it's easier said than done though!!! don't belittle yourself by saying you're teenagey - you're allowed to feel your emotions even if they're silly. But yes good to help yourself.

This is a good book for recovering from child neglect: www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B00HJBMDXK/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o02?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Thank you! I will check it out.

I could have written all of this myself, this is exactly how I feel and behave! Obviously im not happy that other people do this to themselves but it’s also nice to know it’s not just me, if that makes sense!

My paranoia was triggered a few years ago when a very close friend of mine (or so I thought!) started withdrawing from me as she’d found some other friends that she liked more.. We’re still friends but I find it incredibly stressful, analysing every word and every text each time we communicate in any way. It’s made me incredibly insecure in all my other friendships and left me feeling anxious most of the time.

Take today for example - I have probably seen and spoken to 10 friends throughout the day and had a nice time catching up, but I also spoke to that particular friend too and now instead of thinking what a nice day I’ve had I feel sick and anxious overanalysing every word, every smile, thinking I’ve probably said or done something to offend them and worrying that they now hate me! It’s so ridiculous and frustrating, in a way I wish I could just cut that one friend off but it’s not that simple as they are a close neighbour and I also see them regularly on the school run which just fuels my anxieties.

I have had some CBT to help with this issue, but to be honest it didn’t really help - it was a very temporary fix that hasn’t made any difference long term. I wish there was an easy solution - deep down I know I’m being ridiculous and irrational but I can’t seem to help it.

I have found this thread so helpful. I feel the same and I find it all the worry exhausting sometimes. Did I say something wrong, in the wrong tone, did it upset someone. They have no idea that these thoughts run through my head. I also am overly helpful at times especially at work so that people will continue to like me, but this also creates problems. The links to books and things are very useful. We should be kinder with ourselves. I will now post this and wonder if I have said the wrong thing- ironic!!!

@mumonthehill - so glad it’s been useful and no you haven’t said the wrong thing!

This has been so helpful and reassuring and please keep the advice coming! Just chatting about it here has definitely helped me unpack WHY I respond like this with a bit more clarity xx