I'm privately so needy/anxious, and I hate it...

[orangesunshine]

Namechanged as it's a bit embarrassing. I was wondering if anyone can relate to this and could offer any advice as my own thought processes are really getting me down.

I'm someone who comes across as pretty confident. I've got several wonderful, close friends, and a fairly good social life. The problem is that, privately, I easily become paranoid about what people think of me - literally if they don't reply to whatsapp messages or seem a bit distant/busy over whatever, I start to fret and worry I've somehow annoyed them or they've 'gone off' me.

Obviously I never make this clear to people, and such silly fears have never actually turned out to be true! But I can't seem to help it. Yesterday I was at a party, the husband in a couple DH and I are friends with seemed quite off with me - just like he didn't really want to chat or whatever - and today I feel low about it. It feels ridiculous and teenage that I should care so much about this kind of thing, and even though I hide it well, I want to change it.

I think I understand WHY I'm like this - I'm an only child, my mum died when I was a teenager and my father is very distant, so I think I invest a lot in friendships - but I just want to stop thinking like this.

Ha, found this happening this morning again.
Messaged DP, he read it but no reply for over an hour.
Me: obviously he is trying to ghost me and can't work up the nerve to tell me that it's over. Actually, maybe it is for the best if it ends.
DP an hour later: hey, just had to do a presentation at work, sorry for late reply. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

It is pretty funny when I look back at it. Thank god that there is something in me that stops me from revealing my craziness to people. I mean if I was on the receiving end of that, I would think wtf.
Just hoping that with some therapy, it will calm down a bit.

This is a Thing. Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria.

It's so reassuring to read this thread!

New fella I've had three (fantastic long) dates with and due to have sleepover date this weekend didn't reply to my text (whilst at work v late and a crazy 11 day week) but he'd been v instant reponsey until then so I'm now googling - how to handle being ghosted 🙄🤣

It's unlikely he's binned me off but the small chance makes me jump to that as a conclusion and start preparing myself for the worst.

Not sure if it is rejection sensitive dysphoria but very likely due to my being dumped with no warning by my parents aged 12. They mess you up your mum and dad.

Have managed to get myself to a reasonable 'whatever' position and have a busy day ahead but I know I'll be flooded with relief and gratitude if/when he does get in touch.
It's a horrible place to reside.
I'm only glad no one but me and this thread know how very uncool I am inside!

Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is one possibility but apps like WhatsApp make us all more addicted to that digital notification. Watch The Social Dilemma.

This is exactly me in relationships as well but bizarrely only in any romantic relationships.
Im so sorry other people are suffering with it but Im so relieved that Im not alone and I can only imagine how hard it must be analysing every relationship.

I don't even know why I'm like this whenever I do quizzes I come out with having secure attachment and I agree with that in my friendships and family but whenever I start dating someone it's like Bam! Anxious attachment nightmare.

Yes yes to the panicking about a long reply back and coming to terms with having to end things when it's literally been a totally rational explanation for it.
Im actually fine as well when I'm with the person I'm dating but more than 2 days apart Im fully preparing for that person to end things with me.

It drives me mad as well because I think I'm a rational, logical person in so many other areas of my life and I thought I had decent self esteem I actually think I'm a decent catch 😄so why do I think they're going to finish things constantly?

I've taken to listening to audiobooks to stop my self from obsessing about my boyfriends behaviour when I'm alone and try to keep busy but it is mentally exhausting to the point where I take a sleeping pill every so often to knock myself out and I won't wake up in the night going over things.

Aw I’m like this too! Sorry to hear you are finding it hard

Stems from childhood trauma of a verbally violent father and domestic violence for me. Didn’t realise till an online counsellor said that if you’re coming home as a child not knowing if your father is going to be nice as pie or throwing plates, you’re going to have lasting damage.

Im going to look into face to face counselling :)

You're not alone and I guarantee nobody thinks badly of you! I worry my fiancé’s family may not like me much. Which is flaming stupid because his mum is always singing my praises and we ring each other/ have an amazing MIL/DIL bond. I’ve never said how I feel but once during a low month I mentioned to my fiancé that I felt sorry for them that I’d come into their lives. My fiancé was upset I felt this way and said he hates that past trauma has made me doubt myself this way and that it couldn’t be further from the truth. Luckily he has his own anxieties and understands me which is why we gel so well and make such a good, gentle team for each other

Im very bubbly/loud/ life of the party. When people get to know me well, they’re always shocked at how well I mask anxiety. Luckily I have an amazing fiancé, amazing family ( despite past issues) and friends. My in laws are also a dream.

The other week, we were chatting on our WhatsApp group and I can’t remember what we were chatting about but my MIL said ‘ what on earth would we do without you xxxx’ for some reason, she adores me! I’m not sure why, as of course, I think I could be better as a person but you know what… I am ME!

and you are you! People love you for that

maybe look into counselling and mindfulness

xxx

Hi op like others have said, this sounds like anxious attachment and its very hard to change, it's how your brain is wired.

I found this article good
www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/the-freedom-change/201503/overcoming-relationship-anxiety-and-feeling-good-about-it%3famp

And the book "Attached" by Rachel Heller and Amir Levine.