Can this be right?

[Dave277]

I've had a row with my girlfriend. We were aiming to have a discussion about boundaries and behaviours with social media use, and it's gone badly before we even reach that point.

Basically she tells me that it's possible for someone (her) to post a Facebook comment, tagging someone else in (an attractive man), and whilst she concedes the POST is flirtatious, it doesn't mean she was flirting when did posted it. To be clear, this does not relate to within our relationship, it's basically become some sort of theoretical argument between us !

I struggle with this because I think if you are posting a Facebook comment that you admit is flirty, then surely you're flirting? She tells me I am wrong and that the comment is flirtatious but when she made the post, she wasn't actually flirting. She says they are two different things. She also says it was a long time ago so doesn't matter. My view is, I didn't actually care if it was flirting I just wanted us to have a talk about boundaries and behaviours on social media use and agree common ground and am a bit shocked that we are miles apart in what flirting actually is. The comment in question was about cocks, albeit jokey. She tagged the guy in. I have no problem saying that in the past I've flirted on social media, we've all done it. And to me, if I have made a flirty comment and tagged a woman in, then yep I would have been flirting. I just thought that was pretty obvious really. I wouldn't split hairs like this and I just wondered what other people thought of it. I was pretty sure that if you post a flirtatious comment (and admit it was) then by definition you're flirting, but she's telling me it is two different things.

One of the reasons for the discussion is because she previously told me she'd ordered a hoodie off a bloke (who'd she'd said was fit) and had mentioned her tits to him, which worried me a bit as we'd been together a while by then. I felt a bit uncomfortable. She changed the story and said I'd misunderstood somehow. I left it but I knew she'd said it to me. Anyway fast forward to last week and the post crops up, showing she was tagging this guy into a post about her tits, as in, being bigger than average. She came clean and admitted previously lying to me. So that was that, and then she's said to me that it's possible for a social media post to be flirtatious, without it meaning the person posting it is actually flirting. Comments appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Your girlfriend sounds hard work and I'd get shot of her.

IMO, if you are having to have chats about boundaries on SM you are not on the same page about stuff and it isn't going to work long term anyway.

She sounds like my ex. He's my ex for a reason as they can never see how ridiculous and unreasonable they are. It's one set of rules for them and another for you.

Good luck OP with what ever you decide to do

The lying is more concerning than the flirting tbh.

Regarding the lying. We've had a year long saga of that. In brief. She told me about a one night stand which happened before we met. No worries. Six months later she said in passing that she could get laid whenever. That worried me. Eventually she admitted she meant this ONS bloke with that comment. I asked for an explanation. She then embarked on at least six months of lying. Lies on top of lies. Never came clean voluntarily.

Turns out, rather than it being a one night stand six months before we met, he is a mile around the corner and she stayed in touch after we'd met, through social media. Three months into our relationship she cut ties with him. But later she sat on my sofa and just blurted out about having sex with him. It hurt and did my head in. She kept saying he meant nothing but this is strange behaviour if that is the case.

I was cheated on in the past so I want to feel my partner is open with me. I don't need to know their past, I just expect that whatever you say is the truth. If you don't want to say something, cool, as I'll never know. Just please don't lie to me.

We've been to three relationship councillors. She actually lied to the first one, and the session was actually about her lying. The second councillor was no good. The third was, and helped. I agreed to try to get over my trust issues and move forward. She agreed to be open, stop lying and speak in plain English rather than splitting hairs and using clever wording. And unfortunately we're now rowing about the idea that you can post a comment that is admittedly flirtatious, without that constituting flirting.

I love her and want this to work but she makes it very hard with stuff like this.

Leave her. The constant lying and then trying to twist everything is too much. She is going to send your anxiety levels sky high and your confidence will be crushed.

I'm wondering how old you both are? I would have assumed you're in your 20s if you're having the SM conversation and if she's behaving like that on SM. But then I read about the counselling, and 20s seems young to be having relationship counselling.

Let's face it, your boundaries and values are a world away from hers. You're just incompatible, and she's a liar.

Do yourself a favour and get out of there before she drags you down. You'll be thanking yourself in the years to come.

How long have you been together? I’m all honesty you’re not married, engaged or have kids, and have needed to see 3 relationship counsellors. I’d just cut ties now as it sounds like you’re not on the same page (I can see why you don’t trust her, and she’s clearly changing versions of events isn’t she), will save you a lot more heartache along the way.

Regarding the lying. We've had a year long saga of that. In brief. She told me about a one night stand which happened before we met. No worries. Six months later she said in passing that she could get laid whenever. That worried me. Eventually she admitted she meant this ONS bloke with that comment. I asked for an explanation. She then embarked on at least six months of lying. Lies on top of lies. Never came clean voluntarily.

^ just based on this I would ditch her straight away, she sounds awful and will just do your head in with twisting your works about SM etc

Thanks for your reply. I'm 50, she's 49. She does have mental health issues such as PTSD and has experienced some tragic losses in life. I love her and don't mind the mental health issues, I want to support and look after her, but I need honesty. I value plain speaking. I don't want perfection, just to be on the level. She is currently having therapy. I have created this post on here, my first, because she has got me questioning myself. I just thought was obvious that if you tag a good looking bloke into a jokey Facebook post about cock, and you admit the post is flirtatious, then you were flirting when you did that. Doing it is not a big deal, we all have. But it's this clever wordplay, this splitting of hairs, which she does a lot. I wanted us to find common ground on appropriate social media behaviour and this has done my head in. I have been upset all weekend, how can you post a flirtatious comment and yet not be flirting.

22 months. She readily acknowledges she has mental and emotional health issues. She wasn't ready a relationship. Her Ptsd causes a fight or flight thing in her head so when she gets distressed she either ends the relationship or threatens to. That alone has happened about 35 times in the past year. It's now weekly. I ask her not to because it really hurts me and she is getting therapy but still does it. Probably three times this week. As I said above, she has been badly affected by tragedies. The relationship is like Jekyll and hyde. We get on brilliantly most of the time. I have no problem supporting her. I just beg and plead with her not to lie to me and not to do my head in with this kind of clever wordplay.

It's not clever word play, it's deception. You are fixated on the flirting / flirtatious thing and it's not the point. As a married woman I would neither flirt nor be flirtatious with another man. It wouldn't be right even if I wanted to.
The real issue is that she lies constantly. She probably won't stop so your choice is to tolerate it or end the relationship.
Her behaviour looks a lot like she's telling you she could have another man if she wanted. She doesn't sound committed to your relationship.

God, I hate social media....

Sounds like she's keeping her options open to me .

Leave her. She doesn't care enough about you to stop. She's enjoying the game.

No amount of counselling will help, its her core personality and can't (not wont, its cant) change.

You are better than this, it will only mess you up in the long run.

Thanks for your reply. The Facebook comment in question was ages ago. It's not happened in our relationship. It has become this hypothetical row between us. I see little point having a full discussion about social media behaviour and boundaries when she would come to the table, so to speak, from a stance of it being possible to post a flirtatious comment without that meaning she is flirting. It's in the here and now that matters obviously. How can I have faith and start to trust if she thinks tagging a fit bloke into a post about clock isn't flirting even though she agrees the post itself was flirtatious ?

OP what are your three must haves in a relationship? Does this relationship give you these?

Thank you for your reply. I doubt she is enjoying it. She has a life of drama and yesterday was in hospital for chest pains. They said stress but to get blood tests. I wasn't meant to see her but I asked her mate to drop her off at mine (I had my children) and I looked after her. We woke up this morning, this bloody subject came up, she thinks her stance is perfectly reasonable and said I'm the one being unreasonable. She threatened(again) to end the relationship. I drove her home and said I would back down on this because I know otherwise she'll keep up the relationship ending threats. so for my own sanity I have come on here for a dose of reality. I do appreciate all your replied and advice.

Hi. I have just two. Trust and honesty. That's all I need. I'm hanging in there trying to make it work. She admits she is hard work.

"How can I have faith and start to trust if she thinks tagging a fit bloke into a post about clock isn't flirting"
You can't. And you know she lies all the time.
As I said, you'll have to either put up with this or end the relationship. Or let her end it when she threatens to. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship and I would personally want to end it. You seem to want to save it but it's hard to see why. The only way things will improve is if she changes her behaviour, and it doesn't look like she will.

Thank you. She promises to change her behaviour and is seeking help. It's a fluid situation really. She has a number of issues. Most of the lying was last year and she swears she has turned over a new leaf. Then she comes up with a mindbender like this and I just despair. I don't know on what planet that can make sense. The worry for me is that if she can justify that, she can justify anything, i.e. flirting she does in future or flirting done to her. Obviously this would be pretty minor if it wasn't for all the past dishonesty.

This. I am sorry op. You sound like a nice person and if you stay this relationship it’s likely to make you ill. She isn’t going to change - maybe she has been through a lot in her life and can’t help it, but the result is the same. Please end this.

She's not right for you OP, she's enjoying the game, she isn't able to prioritise your feelings. This isn't love.

Umm. It's not been suggested yet and is often suggested but this sounds like a classic case if
Narcissistic personality disorder. She's a victim, she gaslights you, disorientates you, triangulates you with other men to keep you on your toes and she's incessantly lies. Run for the bloody hills. But for now start reading up on covert narcissistic traits in women. I suspect it may be an eye opener

You say you only have two ‘must haves’ in a relationship - trust and honesty. Yet you’ve been seeing someone for nearly two years who gives you neither. What’s that all about? Why would you chose to have a relationship with someone who does not have either of the qualities that you say you want?

Why are usually having a hypothetical argument?

Sorry for not being clearer, I just meant I don't have a particular type, due to past experiences I need trust and honesty. I thought I'd found that in her and fell in love with her before realising there was a problem with her being honest and open. I've hung in there hoping it will work out, I always try to talk to her and get her to appreciate that it's just better to be honest. It's hard work sometimes. She had promised to change and has actually paid herself for the counselling. We generally get on really well, at times i can almost forget myself but every so often there'll be something to remind me. I get frustrated at her habit of lying and it's reached the point where i feel I have to anticipate the next one, and intervene before it happens with a further plea for honesty.