Ex and MIL bad mouths me - DD now siding with them

[DianeC2020]

Hi everyone.

I broke up with my ex some years ago and we have two kids. Since the breakup, he went to live with his mum and stayed there. Both my ex and MIL seem to love endlessly putting me down from my cooking, clothing choice for the kids, arrangements, lifestyle, pretty much everything. Although they don't openly criticise me, they will make comments to my kids such as 'oh, has your mum learnt to cook proper dinners yet' and 'I wish your mum would buy better lasting clothes' - that sort of stuff.

I have made a point of NEVER responding when the kids would come home and tell me what had been said. I followed all the advice never to bad mouth him (or her for that matter). I work full time and the house is clean, tidy and well organised, so I don't tend to let their comments affect me.

My eldest, who is now 12, is starting to side with them and I'm wondering if it's because I have never retaliated. She will make similar comments to what they say and although I give my reasons why I have made certain choices, I feel like she is starting to take me for granted and following the same tone. To give an example, my ex made a comment that my car is dirty and that he cleans his car twice a month. Bearing in mind, I work full time and he only see the kids every other weekend, I don't always get time to be the 'perfect mum'. My eldest made a comment yesterday stating that I need to get the car cleaned more as 'Dad has made a comment that the car is dirty and that his car is always spotless!' It started an argument as she mentioned a few other things that he has clearly said and I am so tempted to tell her a few home truths about him.

I'm not sure how to handle this and feel that the more I don't criticise him, the more she is starting to think my ex is right to constantly be critical of me.

Does he have them half the time?

If not I'd be tempted to always say (mildly) 'yes I think your dad has a lot more time on his hands as he doesn't have you all around as much'

Gosh, she is clearly at a really impressionable age and the pair of them are wrong to badmouth you in front of her (or at all, but especially in front of her). They as the adults should not be playing games like this. Can you confront them? I would be doing.

Alternatively is there anybody else who knows you all who’s able to speak to DD and reinforce good things about you, e.g ‘your mum cares about you very much’, ‘your mum is always there’ etc. It must be tricky, she will eventually see what they are doing so don’t worry too much and you’re right by not retaliating otherwise where do you draw the line!

RTFT.

She probably thinks she sounds clever. I’d put her straight about everything you do.
Their bitching won’t be confined just to you. People criticisers never do restrain themselves to one person. I’d also be wary that as she gets into teenage years she will be in the firing line too when she doesn’t measure up for them.

PrinceofPegging

I did, are you drunk?

She doesn't say whether he has them half the time

I think 12 is old enough to have certain things explained to her. Like how much things cost, how many hours people have to work to afford things, how long different jobs take.
By 12 I was doing the shopping and cooking my share of family meals, helping with washing and ironing, managing my own homework and making my own packed lunch. So I had a pretty good, age appropriate idea of these things.
So I would be saying things like:
It is nice for dad to have time to wash his car more often.
It is nice that he lives with his mum so has someone to cook his meals and do his washing.
It is difficult for me to wash the car frequently because I also have to do XYZ and don't have another grown up to help me.

No but she does say he has them every other weekend.

Hold out! You’re doing the right thing.

Say things like “Hmm, that’s a strange comment to make”, “that doesn’t sound like a nice thing to say” without emotion, as if they’re repeating something a child from school said.

Cheerfully move the conversation on to show you don’t give others’ opinions of you headspace (because you’re too busy living your own life!)

Get them to adulthood with no memories of you saying horrible things about their dad, or caring much about him at all. They do figure it out.

Jeez if you lived with mummy and only was a weekend parent I'm sure you'd have time for a clean car too.

You need to tell them to stop. Don't allow their sly little comments to now be affecting your children.

This isn’t really a dilemma and you don’t need to get a third party to tell her good things about you. You simply tell her you’re not interested in hearing the nasty things her dad is saying about you same as you would if it was anyone else. You don’t have to politely accept these comments.

Shes 12 ffs. Teach her it’s not ok to repeat this stuff or to be critical of others. Tell her you don’t care what her dad thinks about your car. If she cares so much she can wash it herself.

I think your DD is looking for authentic responses from you. I know the general advice is not to respond to this kind of attack but I think it can be confusing for a child if they do not receive a clear and understandable response. It can seem like a parent is being evasive and not really engaging. Maybe you need to ask your DD why she thinks her DF is making these kind of comments? Maybe she needs help to think critically about the motivation of her DF to criticise you? We all get to a stage in life when we start to see our parents as real people with strengths and weaknesses. My sense is you are the better person and therefore your DD needs your help. Be confident and clear and don't let petty minded people put you down, particularly your ex who seems to me to be putting his own needs above those of his daughter. Stay strong but defend yourself against this kind of attack, not only for your own sake but for the sake of your DD.

Age appropriate truth, including such as:

That's an unkind comment why do you think he said that?

Do you think if I only had you EOW I'd have more time to do XYZ?

I would be encouraging critical thinking (observation analysis) by asking questions that challenge their nasty comments.

Tell her the truth.
That bad mouthing people isn’t ok
plus they have no idea what they are talking as, I assume, they havent eaten your meals been in your car etc…

Not bad mouthing them doesn’t mean nit saying anything at all nor does it mean you should have no boundaries about what is been said.

A 12 year old commenting on how clean your car is? I’d hand them a bucket of soapy water and a sponge.

Next time she says something simply say " oh I agree the car does need a clean , do you want to do it for me or would you prefer to do the washing, ironing, clean the bathroom, whatever . It's nice you have notice I don't have time to do everything . Your dad has time because gran does everything for him and now your older you want to take on some housework to free my time ."

@RandomMess I’d also ask who is doing the cooking at his dad? Him or his mum?
Did she ever see him cook? Etc….

Always very easy to criticise when it’s not you doing the work etc….

Because the issue here isn’t just the fact he is badmouthing you.
But he is also teaching her that women should

• always fo the cooking
• Be a good cook
• to actually be seen as worthy/good enough.

Yiu really dint want her to learn that.

@whowhatwerewhy 👏👏👏

I'd nip this in the bud fairly sharpish. Tell your dd she is very welcome to clean the car if she thinks it needs cleaning but that her dad and her granny should not be making any comments about your life, your car, your house or your clothes. You can be lighthearted if you want say "no idea why why are so interested in everything I do - its a bit of a mystery to me" but make it clear that it is not right to be judging and commenting on other people when it is none of their business and it certainly will not be tolerated if she starts up. You can't control them but you can make it clear to all your children that criticisms of you from ex and mil are bad form.

And every comment that is repeated to you from now on say "gosh that is a bit unkind of granny, I wonder why she said that".

I would have said "Would you like to clean my car then?" Or if your car isn't as bad as his comment suggests then to say "If my car is so dirty then I guess you don't want a lift in my car to X then?" 🤷‍♀️

I think she's testing you. She must know it's bullying and is at the perfect age to know how to wind people up.

Bite back!

”dads car is clean! Why isn’t yours?”

”well that’s because I can’t afford it have time to clean my car. What with your dad only having you part of the time and doesn’t give me a lot in maintenance”

I expect your daughter really dislikes them criticising you and wants them to stop. In her 12yr old mind she is thinks that if the car is clean etc. they won’t say nasty things about her mum. I don’t know what I would do but I definitely wouldn’t take it out on her. Your ex and MIL are at fault.

"I think the car is just fine. But if you want to wash it for me so it gets done more often, that's fine too. But it'll have to be by bucket, as the country is still in a drought even though it's rained a bit recently"

Sometimes "being kind" and not retaliating just makes you a doormat. (Not calling you names OP, just saying that sometimes the taking the High road just leaves you stranded or getting there too late, after everyone else)

Get a few good retorts in your mind ready. As PPs say, the "that's a very unkind thing for dad to say!" Is a good start, followed by a very truthful statement about you too would be able to clean your car as much as dad if you only had to be a parent for two weekends a month and lived with someone who cooked and cleaned for you.

Op please don’t respond with remarks about cooking or how many hours you work because that it isn’t the issue and it’s not what this is about. You need to address the criticism. Who works or cooks is irrelevant. You don’t want to be in a position where you are explaining yourself to a 12 year old child.

Surely you can tell them you don't want to hear anything they say (about anything) as you are v busy with hour own very happy life.