Ex and MIL bad mouths me - DD now siding with them

[DianeC2020]

Hi everyone.

I broke up with my ex some years ago and we have two kids. Since the breakup, he went to live with his mum and stayed there. Both my ex and MIL seem to love endlessly putting me down from my cooking, clothing choice for the kids, arrangements, lifestyle, pretty much everything. Although they don't openly criticise me, they will make comments to my kids such as 'oh, has your mum learnt to cook proper dinners yet' and 'I wish your mum would buy better lasting clothes' - that sort of stuff.

I have made a point of NEVER responding when the kids would come home and tell me what had been said. I followed all the advice never to bad mouth him (or her for that matter). I work full time and the house is clean, tidy and well organised, so I don't tend to let their comments affect me.

My eldest, who is now 12, is starting to side with them and I'm wondering if it's because I have never retaliated. She will make similar comments to what they say and although I give my reasons why I have made certain choices, I feel like she is starting to take me for granted and following the same tone. To give an example, my ex made a comment that my car is dirty and that he cleans his car twice a month. Bearing in mind, I work full time and he only see the kids every other weekend, I don't always get time to be the 'perfect mum'. My eldest made a comment yesterday stating that I need to get the car cleaned more as 'Dad has made a comment that the car is dirty and that his car is always spotless!' It started an argument as she mentioned a few other things that he has clearly said and I am so tempted to tell her a few home truths about him.

I'm not sure how to handle this and feel that the more I don't criticise him, the more she is starting to think my ex is right to constantly be critical of me.

My response would have been. “What a great suggestion of ways to help earn your pocket money- you can clean the car once a fortnight”

When your daughter grows up, they will have the same comments towards her, because inevitably her dressing style or other life priorities and choices will not be 100% what granny would choose. It might be slightly 'nicer' because they'll also love her, but it'll be a similar kind of hypercriticism and interference with the choices and life of another. With this in mind (though also because of other people), beyond the situation of her repeating their comments, it's important to teach her resilience and self-respect (and a sense of 'so what?').

I’d point her in the direction of buckets and sponges and say

Thanks so much for offering what a wonderful thoughtful daughter you are!!

I’ll get tea ready while you’re busy!!

I’d go with “well your Dad can mind his own business, my car is just fine”. I don’t bad mouth my ex but I’m damned if I’d ignore him talking shit about me.

I'd do two things.

First, every time she repeats something nasty, say, "That's a very unkind thing for your dad/granny to say, I wonder why they said it." Otherwise grey rock.

Second, say now she's older it's time for her to help out more, and suggest she takes on carwashing.

Try again dear.

This exactly what I had wondered.

Does she want you to put things right so her dad stops slagging you off? It can't be easy for her to hear it anymore than it is for you.

So I agree with tackling it head on but allowing for her to say why she says it to you.

Eg

"Does it bother you how clean the car is dd?".

If she says yes then ask her why? Ask her to come up with a plan of how she can support you to keep things to the standards she thinks you both need to live to. If she can see why things are different she may find the confidence to give those arguments herself to her dad and Nan. But she's 12. She probably doesn't even begin to appreciate why there are differences.

‘Oh, that’s unkind of your dad to say that especially when he only has himself to care for 75% of the time, your granny cooks for him, probably does his washing too.
I look after you, work to put a roof over our heads and food on the table. I do these things because I love and care for you.
They shouldn’t be saying these to you, it’s unfair of them and you know it isn’t true. Well maybe the car isn’t showroom fresh but it doesn’t really matter does it?’

How does your Ex and his mother know how messy your car is? Perhaps if your DD was able to keep where she sits in the car clean of rubbish and vacuums it regularly, then it won't be messy. Dirt on the outside should be sorted by the rain, unless it's very muddy. Then try and keep crumbs and eating in the car to a minimum or at least no foods that crumb easily. Wrappers/bottles etc. are taken out of the car at the end of each journey.

Establish some good habits between you. 100% agree with the other suggestions about saying the comments are not nice and wondering why Granny or Ex might be saying them. Pitch your responses appropriately for a 12 yr old.

That's exactly what I would do. Explain that you don't have time, so it would be nice if she could help you. And any time she repeats a comment your ex has made, criticising you, ask her to do a chore to put it right.

Tell her their snippy comments re the car or whatever are undignified and until now you have risen above it. Tell her you have never spoken ill of them and the fact that they make criticisms of you says a lot more about them than it does about you.

If she doesn’t get it, she is old enough to hear some home truths about them.

"OH, I wonder why daddy is always watching what Mummy does? Darling if you feel the car is dirty there is a bucket and a sponge under the cupboard. Do feel free to help mummy out as I work full time and also have lots to do with you kids. Daddy has much more spare time. Also if you like you can ask Daddy if he would like to swap cars for the day and perhaps he could help mummy out and take her car to the car wash. Maybe you could go with him for some extra time together. Otherwise as I said bucket and sponge under the sink"

She said he has them every other weekend.

I wouldn’t say this, because it can be misinterpreted by a child. What I would say is - Oh, I don’t believe a car needs cleaning so much as its using water and power resources needlessly, ask Greta Thunberg!’

Is the contact with the ex court ordered?

If so, you can report consistent attempts at alienation. It is grounds for having a contact order terminated.

You'll need a solicitor on board.
The sol can start with a cease and desist letter or simply file a motion alleging alienation, detailing comments made as reported by your DD, and detailing the effect on DD's opinion of you and the relationship she has with you.

If the contact isn't court ordered, you don't have to keep sending DD for visits. You can have a solicitor send a cease and desist letter demanding that no reference is to be made to you either directly or indirectly while DD is with ex and stating that contact can be resumed when a guarantee is made.

You need to talk to DD's school about the situation DD finds herself in.

I had this, it's tough I did find myself having to justify myself to kids. I ended pointing out quite firmly that I had single handedly raised them, whilst running a business and doing a degree so I didn't need to be spoke about like I'm a useless idiot. The kids got it in the end.

Yanbu to start dripping facts to her. Imo this is what happens when 1 parent is allowed to remain on their pedestal and dc grow up in ignorance.

Do not under any circumstances take any action that would make your child feel she is being punished for reporting or repeating something her father said about you (or your car).

She is clearly very unhappy and very conflicted, and that needs to be acknowledged and addressed. Telling her where the bucket and sponge are would be awful and would miss the point completely.

When she makes comments like that, ask her very gently what gave her the idea that the car was dirty/ you can't cook, etc. Ask her how she feels about the comments at the time they are made. Her feelings are the important thing here. You need to listen hard between the lines and do not indulge in a knee jerk reaction no matter how hurt you feel.

Document everything she reports and everything she says about how that makes her feel.

Do not do anything about your car.

This. Be the change you want to see, OP’s DD.

In fact this is an even better explanation -

“Daddy lives with his mummy who does all of his cooking, cleaning and housework. So he has time to wash the car twice a week.

You live with me, and I do your cooking, cleaning and housework. So you also have time to wash the car twice a week. Here is a bucket.”

I'd be asking DC if ex and XMIL have anything nice to say about anyone because all you hear is criticism from them. Tell your DC that you're not going to get involved in a tit for tat about her dad, just for her to go and feed it all back to him. His car is clean, yours is not. If she would like to clean it, she can go ahead.

when it’s things to do with money, I tend to show DD with examples.

‘well I COULD pay to get the car cleaned more often, but I’d rather spend that money on dinner for you.’

’I COULD get my hair coloured like Stepmum, but I’d rather spend the money on our cinema trip this weekend.’

’I COULD upgrade our games console like ex & stepmum, but I’d rather buy you school shoes and those Pokémon trainers you liked since your feet just grew.’

She wasnt being mean OP she’s stuck in the middle and probably feels embarrassed and like she needs to defend you but her way of doing that is to ask you/try and shame you to be ‘better’ so the criticism goes away.

I think I would reply by just commenting that it seems odd for anyone else to be worrying about your car or your cooking when they aren’t being driven or fed by you and smile and tell her that you think there are definitely more important things in the world than worrying about someone else having a shiny car but you understand that it can be hard to hear criticism and ask her how it makes her feel when they say that.

Perhaps it can lead to a conversation about how we all have to learn to not be driven by other people’s opinions and so long as we are happy and have pride in who we are that’s all that matters. Then empower her with a reply when they next start up - maybe ‘please don’t criticise my mum’s cooking’ or even just to have the confidence to stonewall them.

On one level, the source of the comments is irrelevant. If your 12-year-old is saying you should get the car cleaned more often (regardless of why) the only answer, as other posters have said, is 'great, why don't you go and get a bucket and sponge and get stuck in? And don't forget, it wouldn't need cleaning inside so often if you kept it tidy'. It's just bloody cheeky.

There is a huge difference between sitting there and slagging off your child's father to their face and responding when she comes up with some rubbish about washing the car. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, well your dad has plenty of time to do that, doesn't he? He doesn't have to wash, iron, clean the house, shop, cook and wash up for everyone. He only has to look after himself so he has plenty of time to play around with buckets of water on a Sunday afternoon.