Ex and MIL bad mouths me - DD now siding with them

[DianeC2020]

Hi everyone.

I broke up with my ex some years ago and we have two kids. Since the breakup, he went to live with his mum and stayed there. Both my ex and MIL seem to love endlessly putting me down from my cooking, clothing choice for the kids, arrangements, lifestyle, pretty much everything. Although they don't openly criticise me, they will make comments to my kids such as 'oh, has your mum learnt to cook proper dinners yet' and 'I wish your mum would buy better lasting clothes' - that sort of stuff.

I have made a point of NEVER responding when the kids would come home and tell me what had been said. I followed all the advice never to bad mouth him (or her for that matter). I work full time and the house is clean, tidy and well organised, so I don't tend to let their comments affect me.

My eldest, who is now 12, is starting to side with them and I'm wondering if it's because I have never retaliated. She will make similar comments to what they say and although I give my reasons why I have made certain choices, I feel like she is starting to take me for granted and following the same tone. To give an example, my ex made a comment that my car is dirty and that he cleans his car twice a month. Bearing in mind, I work full time and he only see the kids every other weekend, I don't always get time to be the 'perfect mum'. My eldest made a comment yesterday stating that I need to get the car cleaned more as 'Dad has made a comment that the car is dirty and that his car is always spotless!' It started an argument as she mentioned a few other things that he has clearly said and I am so tempted to tell her a few home truths about him.

I'm not sure how to handle this and feel that the more I don't criticise him, the more she is starting to think my ex is right to constantly be critical of me.

Here's my stock reply to such comments:

''Good for Daddy''

I find it works well also in situation like: ''Jane's Mum lets her watch netflix all night, why won't you?''.

It's tempting to respond / justify but I find that just encourages it all the more. Let her think it through for herself and come to her own conclusions.

If you are like me you have enough time to clean the car, but would rather do something more interesting. Everyone has time to clean their car. It takes twenty minutes. Be honest with her. Say that you have to do everything else in the house for cleaning etc, and it is not top of the list. Some things are essential and others are nice to have. A clean car is a nice to have for many people. Clean clothes are a necessity. If she would like to do it, that would be great - otherwise it will stay exactly as it is and no one will die from looking or driving in a dirty car.

”oh well it’s not really any of dad/ granny’s business, is it?”

There are more important things to worry about than a dirty car - and smile

Do you like what I cook? Is there something new you'd like to try?

You grow so quickly I don't need to buy clothes that last, plus they are a lot more expensive

You don't have to agree or disagree with what she says, home truths often make the resident parent seem like the bad guy, as Dad is hero worshipped because he's only seen eow and doesn't have to 'parent' properly

Blimey, that is a tough one! Your approach is good though. This must be really confusing for your DD because she is realising that the adults in her life are not all behaving in a kind way. I would agree with a few posters to gently point out that this is a bit unkind and also calmly explain that you have less free time on car washing, as you would rather spend quality time with her. At this age, it might be a great idea to get her to do tasks like washing the car for some extra pocket money etc. But yeah, do not stoop to their level.

Of course you should defend yourself. That doesn't mean you have to slag them off, but of course she needs to know what they say isn't true/is out of context.

"Well yes, DD, I suppose he does get a lot more time to himself. But it's also a bit sad that he values a clean car so much isn't it, there's more important things in life".

"Daddy and I have different priorities. He spends his spare time washing the car, I spend mine (insert valuable thing you do with your time, preferably one that benefits your daughter)"