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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I wouldn't do anything but he's so good-looking (and I'm married)

74 replies

Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 22:54

My husband works a lot (workaholic).
Through mutual friends, we've met a married couple. The husband is wow!!
And has interests and knowledge outside of his career (unlike my other half).
I'd never do anything - we're both married.
It's made me aware of how boring and limited in knowledge my husband is.
I'm not saying other man is perfect - I'd maybe get fed up of him being so intelligent - but I enjoy the thrill of wow, when I see him. But I feel guilty.
There'll be times when I have to see him, cos of mutual friends. Dreading that but simultaneously excited.🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:12

I think what I'm asking is: What do I do? What can I do?

OP posts:
holidaynightmare · 10/09/2022 23:16

If your fed up and unhappy then leave your Hisband, life is too short to be miserable

ScamelaAnderson · 10/09/2022 23:17

holidaynightmare · 10/09/2022 23:16

If your fed up and unhappy then leave your Hisband, life is too short to be miserable

But don't expect him to leave his wife...

hugefanofcheese · 10/09/2022 23:21

What did you and your husband talk about when you got together, did you go out with and then marry him thinking he had no interests or conversation except regarding work or has it just taken over? Could you try and encourage his other interests/ limit work talk? Looks are by the by.

Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:23

hugefanofcheese · 10/09/2022 23:21

What did you and your husband talk about when you got together, did you go out with and then marry him thinking he had no interests or conversation except regarding work or has it just taken over? Could you try and encourage his other interests/ limit work talk? Looks are by the by.

Works taken over.

OP posts:
Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:25

ScamelaAnderson · 10/09/2022 23:17

But don't expect him to leave his wife...

I'd never get involved with him. Even when I try to imagine it (Devil's advocate), I feel guilty. His wife is lovely! Someone close to them told me he had a fling.

OP posts:
Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:27

holidaynightmare · 10/09/2022 23:16

If your fed up and unhappy then leave your Hisband, life is too short to be miserable

This was on my mind before we met the couple.
I think meeting this man has opened my eyes.
As pp said, looks go. But he's got conversation and doesn't race back to work.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 10/09/2022 23:29

We get that work has taken over.

The question is what was it like before then.

Your dodging the question suggests that you actually don't care about turning your focus back on to your marriage.

So all I can recommend is that you do the decent thing and end it before you cheat.

Whether the "it" is allowing yourself to dwell on a silly crush, or whether the "it" is your marriage is entirely up to you.

But the most harmful option for you right now is to foster the crush. And that includes writing about being excited at the prospect of infidelity. Make a choice other than the immensely popular trite old script of 'baby steps' into betrayal.

Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:35

AuntieStella · 10/09/2022 23:29

We get that work has taken over.

The question is what was it like before then.

Your dodging the question suggests that you actually don't care about turning your focus back on to your marriage.

So all I can recommend is that you do the decent thing and end it before you cheat.

Whether the "it" is allowing yourself to dwell on a silly crush, or whether the "it" is your marriage is entirely up to you.

But the most harmful option for you right now is to foster the crush. And that includes writing about being excited at the prospect of infidelity. Make a choice other than the immensely popular trite old script of 'baby steps' into betrayal.

Before work took over, we had fun together, but it was so long ago I've forgotten what it felt like to not have him shut himself away working.
Nothing has happened with the other man and nothing will happen! I'm married and it's wrong to play around.
I do want to turn the focus back onto my marriage but work comes first for my husband. I've asked him to not take so much on but he still does.

OP posts:
BrazilBrazil · 10/09/2022 23:42

Would this om even want you, do you think you are attractive to him ?

Could you see yourself transplanting this lovely wife without feeling less than.

In short, do you think his only interest with you would be a quick shag, a possible illicit affair without the respect of being a primary partner.

If you feel confident enough to end your marriage in the hope you will get this man, then end it, otherwise I would concentrate on the partner you chose to love and cherish.
In other words don't fuck you marriage and family up for a dream.

AuntieStella · 10/09/2022 23:43

Nothing has happened with the other man and nothing will happen!

Everyone thinks that.....

And you've once again ducked the question about what it was like before work took over.

If you refuse to think about what the good times were like, that's one more step along the road to an affair.

Yes I'm an old cynic. But what you're doing is so typical of how the permission to have an affair comes about. Seen so often, it's close to cliche.

Jolt yourself now, stop sleepwalking and decide whether you're in or out.

Mydogmylife · 10/09/2022 23:44

Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:12

I think what I'm asking is: What do I do? What can I do?

What you need to do is get a grip!

Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:48

Auntie Stella - wise woman.
I'm don't even know how to start an affair - and I'm not asking for ideas on that!!
I'm married and need to push my husband to spend more time with me.
I've told him I know earning money is important to him as he supports me and the children but that we also spend time together.
FFS, he's working now and has worked most of the day- it's Saturday!

OP posts:
Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:50

Brazil, no idea if he's up for it.
We get on well but that's it.

OP posts:
Needmoreattention · 10/09/2022 23:53

I'm the ignored housewife with a husband who feels he achieves by working non-stop.
I have my hobbies and have developed my own life.
I want the oomph back in my life with my husband but he doesn't seem willing to change, despite me telling him I'm lonely.

OP posts:
Surtsey · 11/09/2022 00:02

All he has done is make you realise how discontented you are in your marriage. And that is what you need to concentrate on, not this man.

Thinkingblonde · 11/09/2022 00:03

You do nothing with this other man, step back, you say he’s had a fling so this God of a man has feet of clay.
Take this as a sign to re-evaluate your marriage, talk to your husband, kindly tell him work isn’t everything, there has to be some fun in life. Or there is no point in working so hard if you can’t enjoy the fruits of your labours together.
Shrouds don’t have pockets. Remind him of that.

BrazilBrazil · 11/09/2022 00:19

Your husband is neglecting you but having an affair won't solve that.

Maybe you will never change him, I've never known a workaholic change, sorry but that's the truth, it's if you can cope with the lonliness but don't destroy another woman's life because you are in a hard situation.

Needmoreattention · 11/09/2022 00:31

Lots of good advice.
It's what I think too. Xx

OP posts:
LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 07:58

As pp said, looks go. But he's got conversation and doesn't race back to work.

Yeah but he's a cheater apparently.

He steps out on his partner.

That negates looks, conversation and interests outside work.

Fundamental lack of integrity and loyalty.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 08:08

If he stood up with his wife in front of their gathered family, friends, and acquaintances - declared himself her monogamous life partner, let her bear his kids (?)/created a family with her. ..... And then cheated on her, he's not got integrity. Simple as that.

People (usually men) who act like that just exploit the fact that the woman has had his kids and is invested and tied, to get away with fucking outside their relationship; because they know most women never ever want to break up their kids home & "family" and will stay regardlesd of how much pain, disappointment, sadness, disallusionment, stress etc they suffer due to his actions. Having to go about their day and look after his kids with that on their minds.

It's no exaggeration to call it abuse, it is a type of abuse.

And most of the women arent the type to give him some back by having an affair themselves (not that that's the same as the first person breaking their vows, and betraying the relationship), and they know it. No suffering for them, just the wife.

Wise up about his good looks, "conversation" and outside work hobbies ... Who gives a fuck. He's a shit person with a pleasing looking facade and good chat who has some interests. So what.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 08:17

Oh and if he's cheated on his wife, what makes you think he'd be faithful to an affair partner, or a partner if you two were to leave your spouses and get into a relationship.

(Not that he will, he hadn't left her for the previous affair, so why would he leave her for the next. It would only be if she checked him out because she decided twice (that she knows of) is enough).

You'd just be stuck with Mr good looking & charming who you can't trust to be faithful; aware that his looks etc will constantly open doors (or is that legs) with shallow, naive women.

Peoniesandcream · 11/09/2022 08:24

There's nothing wrong with looking at someone and thinking "they're good looking ", but you thinking wow he's so amazing because of his interests etc as well is dangerous territory. Find time with your DH and get back on track together, or if you've completely lost interest then leave him but don't become obsessed with this man who isn't apparently even faithful to his wife.

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 08:28

(You are currently thinking like one of those shallow, naive women by the way).

LemonDrop22 · 11/09/2022 08:30

If you do absolutely will not respond to your serious requests to spend more time together, then you'll have to separate or stick it.

Those are your choices.

Don't involve some cheater and his already injured wife (who you say is lovely) in your relationship "solutions".

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