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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Coming clean about cheating ?

56 replies

summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 16:19

I have already posted about this issue some time ago. Back story - I am single parent to my DD (7) split up from her dad 3.5 years ago now, we were together for 10 years. At beginning of the relationship (3months in) and having just turned 18 I went on a girls holiday and got very drunk and slept with a guy. Ex quizzed me over this for years and I lived with the guilt.

I have tortured myself over this since it happened (I’m now 33!). I’ve started to get really attached to ex again (spend a lot of time together). His mum rang me earlier and said he’s really down and he wants us to be back together (ex does not know about phone call as he would be so mad at her ‘interfering’). I would love nothing more but I can’t because of what I did.

Ive been seeing a counsellor over this as it’s taken over. He wants to chat, but I want to tell him about the thing that happened and I can’t find the Words, I know he won’t be able to forgive me, which will finalise everything. We’re really good friends and I’m so scared that he will never want to speak to me again.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t live with the guilt and I can’t live with the lie.

OP posts:
Lebano · 10/09/2022 16:48

personally I’d keep it at really good friends. You obviously didn’t work as a couple so not sure why you think you will again. You can then just consign it to history. If he won’t forgive you, which he may not, you will lose a friend, not just a potential partner.

supercali77 · 10/09/2022 16:49

I remeber you posting about this before. Why did you 2 split? What i would do, is ask myself really what is best for him right now. I would also write what you did down on a piece of paper as if it was a very good friend who did it and see how terrible an act you think it is then. You can see this isnt a normal level of guilt right? It was a stupid barely out of childhood action that many of us did.

DooLallyy · 10/09/2022 16:53

IMHO I don't know what good would ever come from telling him. It won't make him feel better, then you'll feel upset that you've hurt his feelings.
I understand that you feel guilty but I think you'd end up feeling more guilty for telling him, because then his feelings are hurt and you've lost a friend and possibly the chance of salvaging a relationship.
You've clearly learnt from your mistake so that's the main thing.

Darbs76 · 10/09/2022 16:58

Sounds like you need to tell him then as either way you don’t feel comfortable just getting back together and keeping quiet about it. You don’t know, he might chose to forgive you, it was a long time ago

Day20 · 10/09/2022 17:07

Agree with @Lebano. Is this what the mum thinks though? I have friends with wild ideas like this also but I just ignore comments.

People split for reasons has your ex given you any sign of wanting to get back with you?

SimonAndGarthsUncle · 10/09/2022 17:09

It happened 15 years ago. Why on earth is it still crossing your mind

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 17:16

@Day20 Yeah he has given signs he wants to get back together. I got upset in front of him the other day (had some upsetting news) but half of my upset was also over him. I’ve felt really attached to him, and then I found out he went away for the night with his ‘female friend’. That really tore me up.

OP posts:
Original poster
summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 17:30

@supercali77 I will try writing this down as if I was writing to a good friend. The reason the relationship split was through guilt, not getting a long, constant accusations (which because of the guilt had me walking on egg shells). It’s three and a half years since we split and I still think about it him all the time.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 10/09/2022 17:33

I’d tell him, then see how he feels.
I personally can’t lie, and I couldn’t live with the guilt.

supercali77 · 10/09/2022 18:37

Sorry but....constant accusations about what? Did he often accuse you of cheating throughout the relationship?

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 19:30

@supercali77 Yes he accused me of cheating throughout the relationship, but then I also did in the end

OP posts:
supercali77 · 10/09/2022 19:40

So, you cheated at the end of the relationship? Is he aware of that?

IWasFunBeforeMum · 10/09/2022 19:42

I wouldn't. It was a long time ago. Give yourself a break.

Iknowforsure1 · 10/09/2022 19:57

Who would this confession serve first and foremost? I see zero reason to tell him.

Iknowforsure1 · 10/09/2022 19:59

@KangarooKenny
But confessing doesn’t take the guilt away, it only hurts the other person more and still leaves you knowing what you’ve done. I really don’t see how it helps.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 10/09/2022 20:05

In this case there is nothing to be gained from confessing to him. You will cause him pain.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 20:46

@supercali77 no I didn’t cheat at the end, I didn’t phrase that very well, I meant I ended up accusing him of things, I guess guilt consumed and took over

OP posts:
Dery · 10/09/2022 22:13

Honestly, OP - you’re stressing about nothing. 3 months into your relationship (ie very early on) and when you were very young, you had a one night stand with someone else. It’s ancient history. Put it out of your mind. Definitely don’t say anything about it now. It would achieve nothing.

Chdjdn · 10/09/2022 22:22

It sounds like the whole issue of cheating has been there throughout your relationship with him accusing you of it and you accusing him of things. If my DH told me now that in the early stages of our relationship he’d done that then I’d be hurt but I wouldn’t see it as a representation of where we are now as cheating hasn’t been something I’ve worried about or has been an issue within our relationship; while potentially for your ex he would see you admitting to this as a sign that there has been more and confirming trust issues that are there.
Really and truly I think you need to leave well alone; it sounds like there isn’t the trust there for a variety of reasons on both sides.
just to confirm I think what you did should be moved on from, you were young and it was early days but things have now become very complex and hr won’t see it this way

Username1009 · 10/09/2022 22:56

First of all, do you REALLY want to get back together with him? An ex is often an ex for a good reason. What has changed? If nothing has changed then you're going to have the same issues again. This is probably just nostalgia talking, or you getting upset that he may or may not be moving on.

However, if you do genuinely think that things will be different this time round then you will need to come clean about the cheating otherwise it will eat away at you. Also, it's clear that he has already been paranoid about you cheating, and looks like he had good reason to be, so at least give him that.

Personally, I'd just stay friends, stay quiet, and move on.

Original poster
summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 23:29

@Username1009 he seems a lot different than he use to be. He’s always the first person I want to call to tell my news too. He’s always there for me no matter what.

There are a lot of wounds from the relationship, but I also want to give it another shot with us. I also feel like I am chained down and I can’t move forward

OP posts:
beststepforward · 10/09/2022 23:39

It sounds like you need to forgive yourself first. Work on that and then see how you feel (you should be able to put it behind you then) and only get back together on a clean slate

Opentooffers · 11/09/2022 00:31

You feel abnormally guilty given that it was years ago. It's more likely the constant accusations that continued for years that had made you get so wound up by it.
The last thing you should be doing is telling him, if there is zero chance of him finding out - as he's not yet, I'd guess he wouldn't.
You will find if you tell him that the guilt will remain, but also be worse because you will see him upset by it too. In your mind you think you will feel better by offloading it, but this is a falsehood, I garauntee you'll feel worse than you do now.
So it is all about making you feel better at the expense of him feeling worse, that's the only purpose it hopes to serve, to stop the guilt, but no, it won't. Only you can chose to not feel guilty anymore and telling him won't make that happen.
It's not really great that he spent years accusing you when he had no proof, so destroying the relationship is partly on him. There's only a chance you could make it work if he's finally got over accusing you, but there's the risk he could still do it.
Might be better to take with a pinch of salt what his mum said. Given he's gone away with someone else, doesn't look like he's pining for you quite as much as she's implying. It could be that she thinks it would be a good idea if she likes you so beware of that.

SweetSakura · 11/09/2022 00:56

Pretty sure he knows you.cheated. either someone told him or there was some other sign.

I knew when my ex did and tbh that might not have killed the relationship but the fact he never properly owned it did.

SianNotAMan · 11/09/2022 01:01

supercali77 · 10/09/2022 18:37

Sorry but....constant accusations about what? Did he often accuse you of cheating throughout the relationship?

Would that be a problem if he did though, given that she did cheat?

You can’t really fuck a stranger on holiday then get the hump about your partner thinking that you cheat.