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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Coming clean about cheating ?

56 replies

summersunshine46 · 10/09/2022 16:19

I have already posted about this issue some time ago. Back story - I am single parent to my DD (7) split up from her dad 3.5 years ago now, we were together for 10 years. At beginning of the relationship (3months in) and having just turned 18 I went on a girls holiday and got very drunk and slept with a guy. Ex quizzed me over this for years and I lived with the guilt.

I have tortured myself over this since it happened (I’m now 33!). I’ve started to get really attached to ex again (spend a lot of time together). His mum rang me earlier and said he’s really down and he wants us to be back together (ex does not know about phone call as he would be so mad at her ‘interfering’). I would love nothing more but I can’t because of what I did.

Ive been seeing a counsellor over this as it’s taken over. He wants to chat, but I want to tell him about the thing that happened and I can’t find the Words, I know he won’t be able to forgive me, which will finalise everything. We’re really good friends and I’m so scared that he will never want to speak to me again.

I don’t know what to do, I can’t live with the guilt and I can’t live with the lie.

OP posts:

GaffNest · 11/09/2022 03:14

Dery · 10/09/2022 22:13

Honestly, OP - you’re stressing about nothing. 3 months into your relationship (ie very early on) and when you were very young, you had a one night stand with someone else. It’s ancient history. Put it out of your mind. Definitely don’t say anything about it now. It would achieve nothing.

This totally.

Three months in at 18 it’s barely a relationship (an adult one anyway).

Most very young people have flings/one night stands before a relationship proper. I’d put that down to being this OP. On holiday at 18 with friends, almost no-one is totally committed at that age. You’ve got nothing to feel guilty about.

supercali77 · 11/09/2022 06:37

Ah right. Oh dear. When he was accusing you of cheating was it around that one incident or did he accuse you of it around other times where you didnt?

With him now, human psychology is pretty simple. people will often be on their best behaviour when they want something or when you aren't their partner, so the way he is with you at the moment probably has a lot to do with that. Im not saying people can't fundamentally change but its rare in adulthood. Secondly, if you tell him now that you had some one night stand when you were both kids and he spent your entire relationship suspicious that you're cheating - how do you think that will go if you get back together? I think it'll be torturous. For you both. Its possible the reason he continually accused you of it for over a decade is because on some level he knew you did, way back then. Its also possible he's one of those people who are pathologically suspicious of their partner no matter what. And they are hell to live with.

Your relationship sounds corrosive. The continual accusations. Your guilt. Him being nice now doesnt really change that. The wise thing to do i think is to remain friends but place some distance between you and him. I assume you have kids? Deal only with the children. Actually get over this relationship. He shouldn't be the first person you turn to. Widen your support network. See what your life is like without this being ever present in your mind. I suspect you won't do this. But the other options...telling him, getting back together, not getting back together but being in each others pockets...all of them keep you stuck in the situation. Life is short. You made a silly mistake as a kid. Forgive yourself and actually move on.

Fingernails4Cash · 11/09/2022 07:19

I think you need to tell him. Not just to release yourself but also him. There's clearly unfinished business for both of you.

Be prepared for literally anything to happen next. You may collapse in love and relief and bond all over again and be in love. He may be furious at the years of lies and never speak to you again and slag you off to the world. Or anything in between. Or both!

Whatever happens you will cope. But you can't carry on like this.
Lies eat you up inside and destroy relationships. Make a commitment to yourself that you will never again hide the truth from the people that are closest to. Even if it's hard. Even if there are consequences. A life of lies just isn't a life. You can't have real closeness or emotional intimacy with someone if one of you is harbouring a lie. Is my opinion

Marineboy67 · 11/09/2022 08:05

Although you're not together in the practical sense, it sounds very much like your both still emotionally invested in each other. Personally despite being older, I think you'll be walking back in to the same set of problems if you restart your relationship.
Ask yourself would you want to know if he had slept with someone 3 months in to the relationship? Furthermore if your both serious about getting back together, for it to work you both need a clean slate to start from without secrets & lies.
It may be better to suggest going to relate or couples counselling beforehand and get everything out and see if you still have common ground from which you can start again.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 11/09/2022 09:20

Sweet Jesus this was years ago

let it go
you should define this potential reunion on far
more serious factors than a drink mistake when 18

seriously this so a very important decision especially for your DD

that for her sake if nothing else you should be way more focussed on other questions

will be stay
can you be friends as well as lovers
parenting
sharing the load
etc etc etc

not a mistake 14 years ago

Original poster

summersunshine46 · 11/09/2022 09:40

I have written it all down in a letter, that helped getting it all down on paper. Because he is such a good friend and we’re close now, if I told him I couldnt be with him I don’t think he would understand without me telling him why.
Then because we share a DD I always want that good relationship.

I really agree with the advice that says if I tell him it’s going to cause lots of pain, and I do think he would keep it alive. His mum had affairs when he was a child and he’s never let it go and it has really affected him. I’m so stuck I can’t see how I’m going to move forward.

OP posts:

Elsanore · 11/09/2022 09:42

I remember your last thread. I agree with a lot of what has been written by other posters. You are torturing yourself disproportionately. Here are my suggested next steps for you to consider:

Get the one night stand in perspective and forgive YOURSELF first. As much as possible. Counselling might help. The writing it down objectively idea is good.

In a calm situation where you won't be interrupted, fully come clean with him- all of the facts and your reasons for how you acted subsequently. Don't prostrate yourself at his feet though.

Give him time to let it sink in and then both of you decide what you want to do next now everyone knows the truth about everything.

Original poster

summersunshine46 · 12/09/2022 10:32

Thank you for those who have given advice, I’m writing this all down so I can re-read it and come to a decision.

OP posts:

Purplecatshopaholic · 12/09/2022 10:59

So, a zillion years ago, three months in, when you were 18, you behaved badly. No you shouldn’t have done it - obvs - but what would you actually achieve by telling him now? It’s way in the past, if it was me I would live with it - no good will come from sharing this now, it’s your guilt to keep.

Comedycook · 12/09/2022 11:03

It was 15 years ago when you were 18...in the nicest possible way, get a grip and just forget about it. Don't tell him...he will use it against you forever. Seriously forget it ..it's nothing

deedledeedledum · 12/09/2022 11:06

So he wants to get back with you, is spending more and more emotional time with you but is going away with another woman in the meantime....and yet you think that having slept with some dude on a girl's holiday at the infancy of your dating is cheating and you can't get past it? How is what he is doing better? He is wooing you whilst sleeping with someone else? This is doomed. Move on.

Reallybadidea · 12/09/2022 11:14

I don't think this sounds like a good or healthy relationship from the start but because you feel guilty you've blamed yourself for it all. How is the counselling going? Not all therapy works for everyone and perhaps you need to try someone else. I do think that you need to be in a place where you can look at what you did rationally before you get involved in any relationship, because this level of guilt and obsessive thinking suggests there is still a lot to work through

Choconut · 12/09/2022 11:27

I think you should write him a letter, believe me he deserves to know that he wasn't paranoid or going mad all those years. He deserves to know the truth and move on in one way or another.

Write him a letter so you can lay everything out coherently. Tell him you completely understand that he may want nothing to do with you but that you have strong feelings for him and want to do things right this time if there is any chance whatsoever. Tell him what you did and that it was a stupid, immature, drunken, wrong thing to do, a complete one off. Tell him that you were then so desperate to keep him and so terrified of telling the truth that you completely ruined the relationship anyway with your lies. Tell him you feel such enormous guilt and remorse over the whole situation and wish so much that you had just been honest in the first place. Say you are not the same person now, you are a grown up who knows and understands the mess and distress they have caused and you are so, so sorry.

LooneyToon · 12/09/2022 19:16

God no.. you would be relieving yourself and burdening him, why do that? Im sure he has not been squeaky clean, not necessarily cheating but who knows. Just forget it and be a good partner to him

Comedycook · 12/09/2022 19:19

Honesty if someone cheated on me years ago when we were just 18 and had only been dating a couple of months, I really wouldn't give a dam and would rather not even know.

Original poster

summersunshine46 · 12/09/2022 21:34

@Comedycook because he’s quizzed me for 10 years (whilst we were together) about the incident, so I feel I owe him the truth

OP posts:

SweetSakura · 12/09/2022 22:22

@summersunshine46 yes it might just about be justifiable to not tell him the truth if he hadn't expected a thing, but you've basically been gaslighting him for a decade. He clearly suspects and has good grounds too. I think either someone told him or you were very easy to read.

Catlover1970 · 12/09/2022 22:29

i think you need more counselling. This level of angst over something that happened so long ago is way out of proportion. Looking through the responses - they are similar to last time you posted about this. What do you need us to say that hadn’t already been said????????

Catlover1970 · 12/09/2022 22:49

summersunshine46 · 12/09/2022 21:34

@Comedycook because he’s quizzed me for 10 years (whilst we were together) about the incident, so I feel I owe him the truth

arent you tired of living a lie?Be honest

SandyY2K · 13/09/2022 00:26

What made him suspicious to be quizzing you for 10 years?

Original poster

summersunshine46 · 13/09/2022 09:49

@SandyY2K He always used to quiz me about nights out, living away etc. but my reaction always felt different when it was over that event

OP posts:

LemonDrop22 · 13/09/2022 10:58

You were very young and it was relatively early in the relationship when you cheated however 3 months is long enough for anyone, esp young people, to fall in love and for there to be an expectation of faithfulness.

If he has been faithful himself ..... From his point of view (if you tell him) you cheated on him, lied by omission about it, lied to his face when asked for almost 12 years (including while bringing a child I to the world with him) and deprived him of the chance to end the relationship and build a healthier relationship with someone else and have kids with someone else (who he might still be with).

That sounds very critical compared to other posters, I know .. but I'm seeing things from his point of view if you now come clean.

I think he had that (correct) instinct all along and that's why he kept asking/suspecting etc. if men do that to women on this forum it's called gas lighting, cruel etc etc. Potentially affecting someone MH because their instincts keep telling them something is true, but someone who's supposed to love them says it's not.

He has been asking you to be truthful for more than a decade and you haven't. He has even more of an issue with this subject because of his childhood .... I think, I'm sorry but; you are fucked if you tell him.

You will never get back together, he will gate you and not trust you.

If you don't tell him and get back together, he will revert to his suspicions/lack of trust/to that feeling gnawing at him ... You will continue to feel guilty etc etc.

There is no getting back together for you too.

Whether you tell him or not

I'm sorry, but that's my impression of how this will play out.

At this point, you could tell him - with acceptance that it will scupper you ever getting back together - but you will wreck the good will as co parents (at least for quite a while).

(If you'd told him the truth after you cheated, he'd most likely have ended the relationship anyway ... Due to typical reactions and due to his Mum/childhood, so the result would've been the same as now. Only difference is you have a wonderful child and can hopefully manage as decent co-parents.

LemonDrop22 · 13/09/2022 11:04

He has moved on to some extent, he has a gf/partner, I would try to recover and move on too.

The poster who said you need to establish a support network that doesn't have him at the head of it, is correct. You've fallen into him being your person, even though you're separated and he's dating someone else, and it's not healthy.

LemonDrop22 · 13/09/2022 11:07

*you two.

By this point it's not even just about the (one off) cheating; it's about the dishonesty & gas lighting to his face for 12 (?) yrs about the cheating.

We can all understand why you did it, having lied by omission/lied at first; but I don't think most people, and esp not him, would get past it.

LemonDrop22 · 13/09/2022 11:31

Comedycook · 12/09/2022 19:19

Honesty if someone cheated on me years ago when we were just 18 and had only been dating a couple of months, I really wouldn't give a dam and would rather not even know.

Well he's apparently cared the entire length of their relationship, so that's kinda irrelevant.

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