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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh is a shit dad

51 replies

cactusjackie · 09/09/2022 18:36

My dh is a shit dad and I told him so. I'm not proud in fact I feel awful. But I'm at the end of my tether.

We have a 6 month old dd. She is hard work. Hard to settle and cries a lot. I also have 2 primary age dc from another marriage. From day one I have done everything for dd with him citing lack of confidence as a reason not to get involved. In 6 months he's bathed her once because he doesn't like doing it. He will happily coo over her while she's happy or look after her while she's asleep but he can't handle the screaming at all. I went out and left him with her for 20 minutes tonight. I needed a break so I went for a walk. When I came back he was snappy and vile because he can't cope with the screaming. I reminded him this is my daily life and we had a big row. Thats when I said he was a shit dad. I realise in doing that I have probably wiped out any confidence he did have.

I do feel like he just can't be arsed with her though and his lack of effort has made me lose a lot of love and respect for him. He is a good man but he is shirking his responsibilities as a father and I increasingly end up feeling guilty somehow that we had a baby together. Even though it was planned and discussed. It's obvious he's not happy with this lifestyle and I am knackered mentally and physically. My older kids dad was a twat in many ways but he has stepped up for dc. I honestly feel like if me and dh split up he probably wouldn't even care about seeing her.

It's breaking my heart to be honest. People keep saying it's just a phase and he'll be better as she gets older but does that make it ok? Does that make it right that he's made me feel like this all this time?

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 09/09/2022 18:39

How was he with your older kids before you had the baby? Was he good and hands on with them?

Original poster
cactusjackie · 09/09/2022 18:40

He has always been good with older dc but being a stepdad, even a hands on one, is very different it seems. They are also easier and fairly well behaved whereas the baby is just a whirlwind of wailing. It's been really hard, but I thought we were in it together.

OP posts:
economicervix · 09/09/2022 19:16

Let me guess- he's palming his kid off on to you to raise and hasn't bothered educating himself on basic parenting skills or done a parenting class, desperate to stop being such a pathetic failure? Of course people are going to say it's a 'phase', they're hardly going to say to your face that you picked another loser to have a kid with. Sucks for your kid to experience being unwanted by its father, hopefully you can discard the dead weight soon.

MMmomDD · 09/09/2022 19:19

I am sorry it is difficult. You sound very tired and ground down with lack of sleep and childcare.
Your H isn’t the first man who are useless in baby stage, They don’t manage to bond with the kids while they are babies and so dependent on moms,

Men get exited about the idea of having kids, but have no understanding how much it changes people’s lives, and how much worn the early days are.

No, it doesn’t make it any better. And yes, many men eventually become better at it as the kids become more interactive.

It’s not clear what sort of father he will actually turn out to be. But as far as being a supportive father - he is not.

Up to you what you do. Many families struggle in the first year after having a baby - even the ones that work more as a team.
In your place - I’d just try do what needs doing for the baby, get H to do what he is able to. You have been there - you know it gets better once they reach 1, and then as they get to be toddlers it becomes more fun.
By then you’ll see it H is someone you’d like to keep around.

Original poster
cactusjackie · 09/09/2022 19:25

@MMmomDD thank you, that's a balanced reply. He's not all bad, I married him and chose to have a baby with him. I wouldn't have done that if I thought he was feckless and useless. It's just that now he seems to be struggling and has apparently disengaged. I am so tired. And lonely. And stressed. I don't think now is the time to make any rash decisions but I feel really let down.

OP posts:
Barrawarra · 09/09/2022 19:52

I know you’re too tired, but if you feel able to read, I really recommend ‘how not to hate your husband after kids’.

girlmom21 · 09/09/2022 19:54

Maybe it's something he needed to hear.

Lavendersummer · 09/09/2022 19:59

Go away for the weekend and leave him in charge?

Notimeforaname · 09/09/2022 20:00

Leave him with his child more
He will have to do it.

girlmom21 · 09/09/2022 20:04

I don't think leaving a man who gets snappy and nasty after 20 minutes with a 6 month old baby for a weekend is a sensible solution.

Barleysugar86 · 09/09/2022 20:06

I think you need to talk with him about it and ask what would help him become more comfortable.

You could try and do more parenting things together so he can get his confidence up, but encourage him to take the lead. E.g. do bathtimes together and ask him to help at first, then maybe be the one washing her whilst you just sit in the room.

When she's crying and needs help getting to sleep, ask him to rock her, but stay in there chatting with him. The more he is around the baby when she is crying the less it should bother him over time.

Is there any tasks he is more confident with you could start with- eg feeding her, getting her dressed?

NuffSaidSam · 09/09/2022 20:11

I would try and talk to him really honestly when you're both calm.

See if he's willing to make the changes necessary. A parenting class would probably be a good idea, maybe read a few books or just read up on child development. He also just needs to do more, make a plan between you for how this can work.

If he isn't willing or able to engage calmly, discuss it and attempt to make things better I'd start rethinking the relationship.

If it's within budget I'd also try and get a babysitter so you can have some couple time/a rest and it's not just constant work and childcare for both of you.

Treacletoots · 09/09/2022 20:13

I think he needed to hear it. He is being a shit dad and he's not going to get any better at it by leaving all the work to you.

The child is 50% his responsibility and I'd be expecting him to pull his weight equally. DH used to do more than 50% I'm sure and I still really struggled. It's relentless and soul crushing raising a 6 month old and it's time he stepped up and pulled his weight.

Time to read him the riot act...

EL8888 · 09/09/2022 20:35

I would give it to him with both barrels. After 6 months then he surely should have got his head in the game and stepped up. The way he is, isn’t sustainable or fair. Imagine if you had done so little and blamed it on “lack of confidence”?! He needs to start doing more than 50/50 -he does owe you after you doing all the heavy lifting for 6 months

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/09/2022 20:39

Is he at least being helpful with the older children while you look after the baby?

Original poster
cactusjackie · 09/09/2022 20:44

He is being helpful in other ways. He does a lot of cooking and housework. I think it just hurts to think that he isn't interested in our dd.

OP posts:
toooldtodate · 09/09/2022 20:44

I think a lot of fathers feel lost in those first few months - at the end of the day you are the babies primary carer they aren't really interested in anyone else and I think a feeling of being surplus to requirements leads to lack of confidence and perhaps exacerbated by a certain amount of maternal gatekeeping

AthenaPopodopolous · 09/09/2022 20:50

Let’s face it. Most men haven’t a clue about how to look after small babies. And the crying and poopy nappies are not nice for them. Either teach him how to look after her needs or take the responsibility of it on your own or just let him learn by watching you.
He will probably be a better Dad when she’s mobile. And really you are the primary cater so the baby probably is easier to settle with mummy.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/09/2022 20:51

Was there seriously no signs of this before baby? Did he do any antenatal classes? Was he engaged with the pregnancy?

BabyDreamers · 09/09/2022 20:53

It's infuriating when men don't step up with their own flesh and blood.

Regularsizedrudy · 09/09/2022 20:53

AthenaPopodopolous · 09/09/2022 20:50

Let’s face it. Most men haven’t a clue about how to look after small babies. And the crying and poopy nappies are not nice for them. Either teach him how to look after her needs or take the responsibility of it on your own or just let him learn by watching you.
He will probably be a better Dad when she’s mobile. And really you are the primary cater so the baby probably is easier to settle with mummy.

I hadn’t a clue either. I learnt. I don’t like screaming and poo either. But I do it because I love my baby and want to be a good parent. My husband does exactly the same. It’s not somehow harder for him because he has a penis for fucks sake.

BabyDreamers · 09/09/2022 20:56

ClocksGoingBackwards · 09/09/2022 20:39

Is he at least being helpful with the older children while you look after the baby?

Being 'helpful' doesn't excuse him not parenting his own child.

toooldtodate · 09/09/2022 20:57

@Regularsizedrudy

I do think though that maternal hormones - the bond that comes from carrying a baby 9 months and the 1-2-1 time during ML however gives us a head start on fathers.

Namenic · 09/09/2022 22:04

Would a baby sling help? At around 6 months me and DH found it invaluable as baby seems to settle a bit better in it. Also, could he learn strategies like taking baby out in stroller to calm her down?

twoandcooplease · 09/09/2022 22:06

I went out and left him with her for 20 minutes tonight. I needed a break so I went for a walk. When I came back he was snappy and vile because he can't cope with the screaming.

This happened to me while I visited my dgd in hospital to say my last goodbyes. I was furious but I didn't say a word. Everything I needed to say was done passive aggressively which maybe wasn't the best way to handle things but he continued his shitness until ds was 9.5mo. He was eating solids so no need for bf unless I was there. My pnd was at the 'blank emotion' phase so he took ds to his mums for the afternoon and when they got home he was 'worn out' apparently and announced he wouldn't be doing that again any time soon. That's when I lost it. From then he's made an effort. Ds is 11mo now and has a better dad. He's trying but there's a lot of room for improvement

Are you suffering from a bit of pnd or is it just stress? What you've got going along is a lot and you don't need to be lugging a dead horse as well
Does he know the part about you losing respect for him? Thinking he would be this incredible father and he's just not doing the job he should be with her and I think he needs to be reminded of the responsibilities that come with having a baby. Bathing is one of them. If he's not confident doing it then he will have to learn. At what point is he going to sort himself out? It will need possibly an ultimatum