Dh is a shit dad

[cactusjackie]

My dh is a shit dad and I told him so. I'm not proud in fact I feel awful. But I'm at the end of my tether.

We have a 6 month old dd. She is hard work. Hard to settle and cries a lot. I also have 2 primary age dc from another marriage. From day one I have done everything for dd with him citing lack of confidence as a reason not to get involved. In 6 months he's bathed her once because he doesn't like doing it. He will happily coo over her while she's happy or look after her while she's asleep but he can't handle the screaming at all. I went out and left him with her for 20 minutes tonight. I needed a break so I went for a walk. When I came back he was snappy and vile because he can't cope with the screaming. I reminded him this is my daily life and we had a big row. Thats when I said he was a shit dad. I realise in doing that I have probably wiped out any confidence he did have.

I do feel like he just can't be arsed with her though and his lack of effort has made me lose a lot of love and respect for him. He is a good man but he is shirking his responsibilities as a father and I increasingly end up feeling guilty somehow that we had a baby together. Even though it was planned and discussed. It's obvious he's not happy with this lifestyle and I am knackered mentally and physically. My older kids dad was a twat in many ways but he has stepped up for dc. I honestly feel like if me and dh split up he probably wouldn't even care about seeing her.

It's breaking my heart to be honest. People keep saying it's just a phase and he'll be better as she gets older but does that make it ok? Does that make it right that he's made me feel like this all this time?

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant again.

I wouldn't let him blame "lack of confidence", it's just pure laziness. Anyway if he does "lack confidence" the solution is to look after the baby as much as possible in order to gain skills and confidence.

@twoandcooplease maybe there is a bit of PND. I certainly don't feel very chipper. Everything is a battle at the moment.

How do you know what sort of a dad someone will be before they have dc of their own? He's always been very loving to me and older dc. A baby seems to be a different kettle of fish though.

And when challenged he goes into default 'sad' mode and just clams up which is also infuriating. I just feel exhausted and very sad. He isn't a lazy horrible man. He works very hard and tries to help out in other ways but I would just like to see him make more effort with dd.

Two things:

1. If he can hold down a job - be responsible part of a team, do his job and be respected, then why can't he do the same at home? Answer is: at work he can't be a shit team player, at home you're allowing it.

1. There was a poster a while back who said that her marriage broke up because she couldn't look at him. Her kids were grown up when she split up and the main reasons went all the way back to when kids were born - how he left her to it, how he said "they want you" when she had 5 mins to her own or was having a bath and baby was like 3m old, how he said "you're better at it" when it came to settling them when they were babies. She said the resentment that grew then never ever went away. Every time he failed to step up as a father even later when children were older - like teenage drama etc, she said it was like little chips falling off. Until there was nothing left to chip. She divorced and HE apparently was very surprised when it happened. He questioned her and when she laid it ALL out to him, every single thing he had not done to support her as a parter/parent, he said "Well, I've had to do my own dinners a few times and iron my shirts couple of times, but I wasnt keeping track of that and was going to let it slide!" She said that this statement sealed the deal for her. Few months later she was free and single, with kids seeing her more than their dad. Throughout their own reasons.

So. OP. You only live once. He'll either shape up or ship out. But remember- the feeling of resentment he creates now may never go away. If anything, it will just grow and grow, until... there's no more room for love as its filled with resentment.

100% this advice. My husband didn't do much for the first 6 months "because I was bf", didn't have the confidence, etc etc BS. Anyway once he was eating solids and drinking from a cup I left him more and that's when he started to realize how hard it was for me, but also gave him confidence because he had to do it and he did! Good luck, men CAN change!

Have you said to him that's what you'd like?

I think it must be a really tricky dynamic having kids with someone who is on their first when you have them already. When you're both new to it you're figuring it out together and totally clueless. When you're on later children you at least know the basics. When you're on different numbers you don't have that same mucking in together to work out out spirit because one of you already knows and I bet it's a lot easier to get frustrated with the person who doesn't because it feels easy to you.

That doesn't mean his behaviour is ok. I'd just have a good think before writing him off since this is unusual for him. Is it laziness or is it just brand new parent incompetence and terror?

I also second the resentment thing. It won't just go away if you let this situation continue.

The baby sounds like hard work tbh. Why is it screaming A lot? Maybe figuring this out would help your stress levels and make him enjoy it more?

Yanbu.

Ok no one knows what it's going to be like as a parent. The early months are much tougher mentally and physically than most people expect and it can be hard to cope.

However, he has a responsibility to his daughter, and a responsibility to you, to do his share of child stuff rather than dumping it all on you.

Yes it's absolutely soul destroying pacing round the house with a screaming baby when nothing seems to be the matter. Much of baby care is mind numbing and a lot of the time, a lot of people would rather be doing something else. But they get on with it. He should be comforting his crying child because 1. his child needs to know that she can rely on him to help and that he cares and 2. If he doesn't, then you're going to have to do his share of the shit jobs as well as yours, which isnt fair on you either.

He cant help how he feels, but he can help how he acts and at this point he needs to step up and fake it til he makes it. You can't just opt out of the shit parts of being a parent (or of anything in life) and expect things to be ok.

And plenty of men bond with babies when they make the effort

So tomorrow is a new day sit down and explain you need support and you need him to bond with her properly so he can give you a bit of a breather.

Get him to take her for a walk on his own, or in the morning play with her. Some techniques which may work for him are singing to her utube has words to songs he can make a playlist.

Yes you shouldn't have to hand hold but if you want things to improve he sounds like he needs some pointers. Definitely don't let him just check out of it.

In terms of your DD if she is crying constantly has she any signs of allergies? Often excessive crying is a symptom with mucous nappies, dry skin/rash etc so would speak to your HV.

I think with mums you get on with it. Men are frightened. I think it's about encouraging your H to do things like change a nappy etc and support him to do it. Do it together and see how you get on.

Now you have exploded and got his attention its time for a proper discussion. Ask him how you can support him to be a better dad. Does he know how to hold her properly, support her neck? Wind her? Dress her without bending her arm backwards and feeling like they will snap? How to hold a wriggling slippy wet thing in the bath when he fails at holding a bar of soap?

First discuss the practicalities, then watch over him as he does it once DO NOT TAKE OVER no matter how frustrated you get. After a couple of goes leave him to it. Dont watch him. I had to stand back with my dh but he eventually managed enough to be able to do every Sunday morning so I got a lie in. I won't tell you the state of the house and how they wrecked it in two hours but i did get sleep. That helps.

And the crying and poopy nappies are not nice for them

Why, are they nice for women?

@cactusjackie

You have three kids. Of course you are tired. And possibly have some PND. It’s completely understandable.
For what it’s worth - I don’t think he doesn’t love the baby. I do think he hasn’t properly bonded with her, as it does take a lot longer for men.

Personally - I remember not bonding with my first baby for a few months either. I felt ashamed and thought something was wrong with me. I fed, changed, soothed her - barely slept , was constantly tired and felt flat. I looked at her and felt nothing. Felt anxious when she cried, that’s all.
When she smiled at me for the first time - this is when I started bonding,

Men are pretty useless to babies in the beginning. So bonding doesn’t happen at that time. My H always said his main role at the early phase was to try to do what he could to make me comfortable.

OP - do try to hang on and ask your health visitor about PND assessment. If you have it and get help could make a huge difference to how you feel.
As to your H - he will get there. Just give him jobs and direct him to what you need him to do. And it will get better.

Men are pretty useless to babies in the beginning? The only thing they cant do is breastfeed. They can literally meet all of a babys needs otherwise, and bottle feed, like the vast majority of women end up doing in the uk anyway. No wonder a lot of men get away with doing fuck all with some of the sexist stuff I've read on this thread.

My husband did the majority of the nappy changes when he was home, hours and hours of walking about with the baby in a sling, most of bath times, a lot of reading, singing, going on walks etc etc when ours were young, even though I had to spend a lot of time breastfeeding...and managed to bond with them fine. It's not a man thing

Men being shit dads is what finished two of my relationships. You can be someone for years and think you know everything about their qualities but you only know what they are like as fathers once it happens. For me it's unacceptable and I can't respect men like that.

Tbh I’d remind him that the best way to feel confident is experience.
The more he will do Bath/feeding/changing nappies/settling down HIS baby, the better at it he will be.

And yes atm he is a shit dad. NOT because he can’t settle down his baby. But because he is nit trying and skirts his responsibilities.
And that’s shit. Both as a parent and as a partner.

Fwiw the ‘it’s taking longer for men to bind’ is imo only because they are not as involved as the mother is.
And instead of doubling down because they are at work so have less opportunities to bond, they treat the issue as a chore they can get out of ‘because they are working’ so need to be left alone when they come back from work, can’t get up in the night, don’t know what they are doing, learnt hopelessness etc….

At some point, after the toddler stage, when things are easier, then they start being more involved. Unless they’ve got so used to do little that they dint bother anyway….

To be fair my husband did double down on paternity leave and at the weekends and evenings and is still pretty open that he felt like a spare part for the first year or so. He did significantly more than I did when he was home but the baby always wanted me. He also didn't bond quickly, it was pretty clear he was doing it for me rather than the annoying screamy thing in the house.

Again, not excusing the partner here. Just acknowledging than some of this is the hormones and the baby feeling safer with the person they spent 9 months in.

I don’t think it’s sexist in any way to admit that men and women bond differently with our babies. It would be strange if it wasn’t true. Evolutionary - it is very clear why that is. It took million years for us to evolve. And for majority of that time - females reared babies, males did their thing to provide food, shelter, security. Formula has only been available for a very short part of our time as species, not enough to change how we are built and how we react.
So - women bond much faster, nature built us that way. We can’t really help.

Men of course can and should make a conscious decision to do things for the baby and for us. But in the early days - they do not feel the same as we do.

Thank you all, I've taken a lot of time to read your replies. I do agree that men and women bond differently and have known from day 1 that I would be the primary caregiver. I just expected a bit more of a team effort rather than him shirking and avoiding certain things.

I do hope as pp have suggested that this will get better as dd gets older and less clingy to me, and that it won't be a constant source of resentment. We have spoken over the weekend and it's clear he is struggling, feeling inadequate etc. I have explained those feelings won't improve unless he gets more involved. We will see how things go. As I've said, he is a very good dh - he provides for us, does his fair share around the house, rarely does anything purely for himself. He isn't an inherently selfish man. So hopefully his issues with parenting will iron themselves out over time. Here's hoping.

I hope things improve for you. It sounds like a lot of this could be helped by seeing him try, even if he doesn't do as well as you would.

Hey OP, I have read all your posts but may have missed something so apologies if you have already mentioned this.

I hope things get easier with your H, I completely get the feeling lonely. I just wanted to say about your DD, do you know why she is crying so much and hard to settle? It's just she sounds very similar to my DS as a baby (he was also my 3rd). Cried non stop, couldn't settle or stay asleep. He has a dairy allergy (cmpa) and is like a different baby since he was diagnosed. Maybe something to check if you haven't already

@ItsTheTreasure hi yes she has actually been diagnosed with the same issue. She has calmed down a lot since her diagnosis and change of milk but is still a very loud, 'spirited' baby 🙈 she has a temper that neither of my older dc had. They were very chilled in comparison.