Dh is a shit dad

[cactusjackie]

My dh is a shit dad and I told him so. I'm not proud in fact I feel awful. But I'm at the end of my tether.

We have a 6 month old dd. She is hard work. Hard to settle and cries a lot. I also have 2 primary age dc from another marriage. From day one I have done everything for dd with him citing lack of confidence as a reason not to get involved. In 6 months he's bathed her once because he doesn't like doing it. He will happily coo over her while she's happy or look after her while she's asleep but he can't handle the screaming at all. I went out and left him with her for 20 minutes tonight. I needed a break so I went for a walk. When I came back he was snappy and vile because he can't cope with the screaming. I reminded him this is my daily life and we had a big row. Thats when I said he was a shit dad. I realise in doing that I have probably wiped out any confidence he did have.

I do feel like he just can't be arsed with her though and his lack of effort has made me lose a lot of love and respect for him. He is a good man but he is shirking his responsibilities as a father and I increasingly end up feeling guilty somehow that we had a baby together. Even though it was planned and discussed. It's obvious he's not happy with this lifestyle and I am knackered mentally and physically. My older kids dad was a twat in many ways but he has stepped up for dc. I honestly feel like if me and dh split up he probably wouldn't even care about seeing her.

It's breaking my heart to be honest. People keep saying it's just a phase and he'll be better as she gets older but does that make it ok? Does that make it right that he's made me feel like this all this time?

"I do hope as pp have suggested that this will get better as dd gets older"

Why would it get better, what is going to change here re him when it comes to him?. You've perhaps gone onto choose another type of man not all that dissimilar to your ex H. This is who he is and he's not going to change for himself or you. What he does too works for him.

The dictionary definition of hope is: “A feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen. A feeling of trust”.

This sense of hope and longing often comes from a young, childlike part of us. This can stem from an experience perhaps with our parents and hope that they will be different. An example of this could be coming home from school with your grades, hoping your parents are happy and supportive of your results, instead of questioning why you didn’t get an A. There may be a longing that they’re not judging you or willing you to do better.

With this in mind, we often go into our adult lives with a footprint from our childhood, carrying these past experiences into our adult relationships. This is the hope that we can make people different, but we can’t. The only person that we get to change in our lives is ourselves.

When you find yourself hoping and longing that something will change in your relationship, take a moment, have a pause, settle down and take a deep breath. Use this moment to connect to your feelings and understand what’s going on behind the hope. What is it you’re actually longing for?