My bf and f 50 absolutely hates any form of disagreement or argument .

[conservationcontract]

We've only ever had approximately four in our two years together and he almost runs away.
He cannot handle any form of disharmony or upset.
He almost cowers.
He is not afraid of me of course but he shuts down and then comes round when he has settled himself.
I find it so weird.
I'm desensitised to it now because I think it's so immature and pathertic and I certainly don't run after him. I continue with my life and don't feed into it.
He comes back when he is ready to talk.
Any tips dealing with this ?

@Tierne any issue whatsoever where he feel his behaviour or reaction or action to something is in question. Any perceived sleight at all.

So he thinks he’s perfect?!

I couldn’t be bothered with that, walk away, OP.

Theres no point forcing him to meet if he’s not mature enough to meet you half way . He sounds so immature,

So, essentially he is very fragile and damaged by blah blah in his childhood and cannot be confronted by anything at all that might affect his own desperately defended image of himself without him reacting with punishment, sulking and rage at you, right?

I call that an arsehole with narcissistic tendencies, myself. There are others on this thread who apparently have 'empathy' for narcissists like this - so put him back in the pond for them to fish out and act out their nurse and saviour complex games with him.

And, OP - learn to listen to your gut and your instinct. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't right.

So..damaged woman...be kind, she needs support
Damaged man..arsehole

I've actually recommended that OP leave this relationship. His damage will damage her. There's no future here and his behaviour is not acceptable. She cannot and should not try to save him.

But your blithe 'blah blah blah' about what was clearly a grim childhood and your leap straight to arsehole, is unfair and sexist.

Well now, thank you, but I must regretfully decline your offer to play the sexist card.

It is perfectly clear that I equally decry damaged arsehole women who feel the compulsive need to make themselves feel special and saintly by 'saving', 'understanding' and therapising damaged arsehole men.

He's either abusive and it's all deliberate, you just didn't realize. Or he's way too messed up to be in a relationship at all. Either way it's never going to work.

Your comment about him coming back to you being angry shows why he hasn't ever dealt with his issues. He sees others as responsible for his emotions instead of taking responsibility for them himself. He's having negative feelings, it occurred because of a disagreement with you, so it's your fault then. Except it isn't. Your first post asked how to deal with this. The answer is: you don't. His reactions are for him to deal with, not for you to fix.

Stonewalling isn’t always intended to be abusive. It can be a learned response. Not everyone likes arguing. I don’t and I prefer to shut a discussion that is heading to argument down. We both do. It doesn’t mean we don’t resolve the disagreement, we just do it in a way that is constructive when we are less irate. Arguing isn’t constructive.

Disagreement stresses him out and he is removing himself until he calms down. Think of it as being startled and having to deal with the hormonal response. For him it's a highly unpleasant feeling and his priority is to go back to a normal body state.

Somebody mentioned flight or fight response and his response is flight.

However, you are entitled to leave the relationship if it displeases you that he can't deal with stress.

@conservationcontract, Please go with your instinct. If it feels like punishing you then trust your feelings. Being on the receiving end of a sulker is damaging to your emotional health.

It's fair to withdraw from a heated conversation but to withdraw for days, not communicate and then emerge angry and resentful is unhealthy and often abusive.

Grown ups who seek to have healthy relationships (male or female) don't sulk/withdraw for days. They just don't. If your emotions are so perturbed by your partner raising an issue (that could be deemed as criticism) then you're not ready to be a relationship. If your partner raises unfair criticisms in an angry way and you feel so threatened leave.

Very few people had healthy role models whilst growing up but we are all responsible for our actions. If you sulk, engage in silent treatment and ignore your partner for days you are choosing to engage in that behaviour - it might be your coping strategy but it isn't healthy so learn to manage your feelings.

The key to a successful relationship is communication - respect on both sides and empathy. The sulkers and those giving silent treatment usually don't have empathy as can't see their partners pain whilst they are indulging their own emotions.

The old adage "don't go to sleep on an argument" is true because it time boxes arguments. If you can't communicate or process emotions in a reasonable time I think you need therapy or accept you are with the wrong person.

It's not abuse, it's self preservation. Maybe he can deal with it with therapy.

I would just end it because no matter why he is doing it, it doesn't work for you. It's making you feel bad.

Your first line is that it has happened 4 times in 2 years...

Now you are saying he disappears for days anytime anything is questioned?

To clarify, we've had four major rows in the last two years and those rows went on for days as he simply shut down.

Yes@Midlifemusings . This is how he copes with conflict.

My DP is the same, the the point where we never actually make any progress on any of the contentious issues in our relationship. It’s been going on so long now that I consider just ending the relationship as we’re not progressing the issues or moving forward more generally. If I raise anything he just defaults straight to fear and juvenile “are you gonna dump me?” type stuff and even if I offer reassurance it doesn’t help.

It’s not like my DP comes back with solutions once he’s shut down, it just gets brushed under the carpet.

I had a shouty traumatic childhood.

I often flee the house at times of stress. Like when teen DD is doing my head in.

l avoid conflict as much as possible. It takes me a long time to get over arguments. Not because I’m manipulative. But l need 2 days or so to recover when I’m quite withdrawn and subdued.

People deal with things in different ways. Even raised voices sends my heart rate up and l start to feel scared and shut down.

I couldn’t cope with the way he ‘copes’ with arguments. If my DP adopted the same approach we wouldn’t still be together.

It doesn’t sound like he’s stonewalling you to punish you, but it’s such bloody annoying behaviour that I’d move on.

It’s a difficult one but silent treatment isn’t healthy unless he has made clear that he needs to have no contact for a few days whilst he gets himself together to be able to speak. If he just goes off an ignores you then I wouldn’t be happy either. I can stop talking to my other half for days but it’s in response to him being verbally insulting and I tell him to leave me be. My friend is dating someone who behaves like your partner. It happens once or twice every 6 mths and the arguments are started by him as he has held onto some kind of grievance. Spouts off and then berates her for being controlling and then goes no contact for days. Expects to reappear when she has had time to reflect and then move on as if nothing has happened. It’s not healthy and she is ending it

This person;

Had an 'authoritarian childhood'.

Cowers when the other person argues. The instigator says 'of course' they aren't scared, but expresses utter contempt for somebody showing fear.

Does not engage in arguments and withdraws immediately. The instigator then continues the arguments over the course of days through other means.

Does not initiate contact after this has happened. The instigator does not leave space, apologise or in any way demonstrate regret or responsibility.

Is not keen on re-engaging but will 'talk' after the instigator of the conflict has contacted them. Their feelings regarding being treated in such a way are mocked.

Comes back after the instigator has decided the matter is finished but the instigator maintains that the person is immature, pathetic and it's their fault the argument had to go on for days because they wouldn't engage in a full on row.

The instigator then considers dumping them as punishment for not wanting to accept being shouted at/having a voice raised at them and treats an unwillingness to be trapped in a verbally and emotionally threatening situation as a sign the instigator is being abused because they aren't getting the release they desire from a 'row'.

That sounds like a person who has got into an abusive relationship, one that has a partner who acts in a familiar way to the authoritarian (Shouting? Angry? Dictatorial? No room for being wrong or questioned in any way? Having to hide until they were called back and still told it was their fault?) being reeled back in for more of the same. Every single time.

Spot on @NeverDropYourMooncup .
Every single time.

Not because I’m manipulative. But l need 2 days or so to recover when I’m quite withdrawn and subdued

What does withdrawn mean? If it's silent treatment then that isn't fair on the people around you. I got to adulthood, had children and knew I had to model better behaviours. Therapy & reading books on the subject helped me. It is indulgent to be a parent and not take responsibility for your emotions and continue to blame childhood.

If the arguments are so significant then something else is going on but normal family upsets shouldn't last for days.
Every parent has a duty to do better for their children. We ARE in control of our emotions and actions. It's important that disagreements are just that...not 2 days of silent treatments.

Sulking, silent treatments & withdrawing is self indulgence and damages the trust in relationships. Talk, listen, compromise or agree to disagree - then move on. That's what parents need to model, otherwise the cycle is never broken and children will go into their adult relationships behaving similarly.

God there is a lot of justifying in this thread.

Arguments dont mean screaming and throwing glasses against walls. They mean having a discussion in which both parties disagree.

If you are withdrawing or need time to "wind down" from being triggered by any sort of conflict, this is really bad for your partner. I've been on the receiving end of this and you feel like shit. It's the silent treatment under a different name and its strips you of your voice and builds resentment.

Going into a relationship you have a responsibility to be able to treat another person with respect, and that includes receiving their thoughts when something is bothering them. We are all in some way scarred by our upbringings, we have a responsibility to not inflict those scars on others.

@Tierne

God there is a lot of justifying in this thread

That's what I'm thinking! How can we live in 2022 and people still justify silent treatment? It's been very well established that sulking and silent treatment is emotional abusive. We don't tolerate men doing this and we shouldn't tolerate women doing it.

Seriously, just end it. You’re unhappy and it’s not working for you, so end it. There is no moral binary here, you don’t need to be ‘right’ and you don’t need us to agree with you.