My bf and f 50 absolutely hates any form of disagreement or argument .

[conservationcontract]

We've only ever had approximately four in our two years together and he almost runs away.
He cannot handle any form of disharmony or upset.
He almost cowers.
He is not afraid of me of course but he shuts down and then comes round when he has settled himself.
I find it so weird.
I'm desensitised to it now because I think it's so immature and pathertic and I certainly don't run after him. I continue with my life and don't feed into it.
He comes back when he is ready to talk.
Any tips dealing with this ?

I agree that ignoring someone like that is not nice. My ex used to do this. He didn’t speak to me for 6wks once. So I bottled things up and it lead to the destruction of the relationship. It’s not how adult relationships should work

I'm a little bit the same - for me it's definitely a flight response from childhood trauma. (The other response I have is the people pleasing/fawn one!).

It's just really difficult for me to make a point in a disagreement. I have huge anxiety about it. My heart rate shoots up and I just want to run away. I have had a lot of counselling and recognise my issues. Even now with lots of practice I feel more comfortable going away reflecting on something and finding a way to then communicate my feelings back to the other person. It isn't stonewalling or the silent treatment (which was used against me as punishment when I was child and in a subsequent relationship) but I can see how it's similar. I do try now to communicate better and have some tools I've learned to stay and talk to the other person. (I don't feel at all like this in a work or other environment, just in a personal one).

(It's impossible for me if I'm having the disagreement with a shouty or aggressive person though)

Could it be that he grew up in an unhappy family with a great deal of disharmony and it brings back bad memories? There are ways of disagreeing with someone without becoming disagreeable oneself but sadly bullies don't learn them. A great deal of tact and patience are required.

It is not necessarily abusive on his part but I can see how it would be very irritating. Wouldn't you be happier with someone who can communicate openly and honestly and stand up for himself?

His home was authoritarian but lots of love through service and action.
We are due to meet to sort things out but he is really angry and moody despite me saying that I'd prefer we not meet if he himself was reluctant to sort this out.
Says he doesn't really want to meet but will meet up with me anyway.
Like he is doing me a favour.
I'm getting to the stage where I can't be arsed tbh.

Well, end the relationship if you can't be arsed?

So you are looking to be told he's abusive?
What are the arguments about? I have a colleague who likes to debate and argue and sees it as she is 'passionate' about her opinions.
She actually just likes hearing her own voice and dominating things.

It isn't fine to ignore your partner for days. At all.

So dump him then, who cares. No need to date an angry man anyway.

Hmm. That throws a slightly different light on things. I was in agreement with most pp's who were saying it was a response to a traumatic past, but if he is now angry and moody with you, then it seems he may be doing this as a form of control after all.

He could do with counselling but I couldn’t stay in a relationship where I couldn’t express myself out of fear my partner would flee. It is an immature response rooted in his childhood but that doesn’t mean he can’t learn to change. The question is, does he want to?

Yes, dh and I are like this. This is the problem with people who won't discuss things like adults - nothing gets resolved. My dh often gets up and walks out of the room if I start talking about anything he sees as "negative".

I'd need to be frank with him and say that I can't deal with his current response to disagreements. If he's not willing to make some changes, for example, replacing 3 days of silent treatment with at least a short text saying that he's not ready to talk yet, but thx. for your message, I don't think you can continue in this relationship. People need to adapt and sometimes compromises in relationships, including "unlearning" some behaviour/responses that upset their partner. I've certainly had to, and so has my DH.

If he told you he didn't know whether he wanted to resolve the issues but was willing to talk, would you finish with him ?
I'm getting sick of this.
We had a minor row, he retreated for days, now he's out of his cave and is indignant and angry.
Am I correct to presume that not knowing whether he is interested in resolving this,while taking minimal responsibility for his part( I have) I'm within my rights to say goodbye with a clear conscience ?
I really have tried .

He doesn't sound abusive but he does sound so dysfunctional that the end result is the same: going silent, not responding, disappearing. And the effect on you will be the same regardless of the cause: unable to speak your mind for fear of the consequences so walking on eggshells watching what you say, can't plan your day/life effectively because absolutely everything is driven by his reactions, never knowing where you stand when he's on a silent phase or how long it'll last. It's upsetting, annoying and destabilising for you. That he feels the same when there's a disagreement and it's why he's behaving this way doesn't detract from the effect of his behaviour on you. He doesn't have a monopoly on suffering.

If you don't want to put up with it that's fine. You can have empathy for his situation and still be unwilling to be on the receiving end of the consequences.

If he doesn't want to be single then IMO he either needs a very understanding, independent, flexible and laid back partner who isn't fazed by his behaviour at all, the sort of person who'll make plans and not be bothered if the other person cancels, always gets themselves to and from meetups etc. Or he needs to fix this (maybe with therapy), because I can imagine a lot won't put up with it in a partner, most people want a bit more commitment than they would from a casual friend.

Just FYI, although others don't have to put up with it, you do have the right to be unreasonable (I'm not saying you are here). You can break up for any reason whatsoever. Even if the reason amounts to you being a twat . You don't need others permission, not even the person you're dating. There's no "right" amount of "trying to make a relationship work" which has to be done before it's ok to break up. You can just decide.

Sounds too tedious to even contemplate, it’s not like there’s a shortage of humans on the planet. Pick a better one.

Am I correct to presume that not knowing whether he is interested in resolving this,while taking minimal responsibility for his part( I have) I'm within my rights to say goodbye with a clear conscience ?

The in's and outs don't matter. Who cares if your conscience is clear or not?(it should be!) - you feel the way you feel. He has his way of dealing with things and you have yours - he isn't willing to find resolutions to conflicts and the way he acts afterwards makes you feel like shit. THAT is enough to end the relationship, you don't need to explain to anyone. Just say to him that you're incompatible and you think it's best you went your separate ways. Stonewalling someone for 3 days and then holding you to ransom for a meet-up IS absolutely controlling IMO.

Regardless.of what we are doing or what we have planned, he will leave the event or location with immediacy with no discussion.
Often, he is driving and I will not have transport so I must go too.

This is entirely unreasonable, as I couldn't live with that.

I also, because of my childhood, find arguments really difficult and want to escape. But what he's doing here is absolutely not right.

It's one thing to go into another room for an hour or two to regroup, but the examples you're giving are very much more than that. He needs therapy.

He may not intend to be abusive, but you are being abused. Even though I empathise with his struggle with arguments, what he's doing is creating a chain of damage. And you are the next link.

This sounds like more than the four times you describe in your OP
What’s going on? Are you minimising his behaviour?

I'm within my rights to say goodbye

You are always "allowed" to leave any relationship. You really don't need any permission from anyone.

Relationships have to be voluntary.

How people deal with conflict is one of the most important things about the kind of person someone is. I would want to be with someone who is unwilling or unable to discuss things and find a resolution together. No amount of 'happy times' would make up to me, for someone who just disappears at any sign of conflict.

As for him reappearing angry, just no. No thank you. No.

Why are you even questioning yourself? Say goodbye, this isn't working. Then ignore any promises he makes. You life will just get better and better.

I think it's so immature and pathertic

Well, hopefully he'll find it in himself to stay away soon.

Can you give some examples of the types of issue you have tried to bring up and he has avoided?

I avoid any kind of confrontation at all cost and really struggle with immediacy.

When someone else is very direct and just more generally comfortable with the disagreement or just better equipped i can also retreat. Like others have said i am not really hoping it goes away but need time to think and compose my thought and then i will come back to you on it. It may take as long as a couple of days and it might be laid in bed in the dark or via text but i might then tell you what i am feeling or thinking. And would generally feel a nervous wreck. But in the meantime i can chat and carry on as normal and can tell you i havent forgotten and i know it's important to you.

My new partner has a lot softer style of communication and is able to give me a lot more space and i have worked on myself and got much better at being head on. With my previous partner he would follow me round the house room to room to continue arguments and i just genuinely couldnt cope with that i felt under attack.

I guess ultimately it was just one of many ways in which we were not compatible.

If he’s not sure whether he wants to resolve the issues, I’d cut your losses and end it.

My DH and I certainly don’t have a perfect relationship, but we value our relationship enough to always wanted to find resolutions to our differences. I’m the one who’s had to change my behaviour and reactions the most, tbh, changed the most, I used to be quite moody and unreasonable sometimes!

If he’s willing to risk losing you over this, I wouldn’t bother trying. You deserve better.