How would you feel about this? Genuinely?

[UnwornDress]

I know that, sometimes, on MN, responses can be harsh. I feel badly enough about this already. I'm not looking to head to feel bad about it, I'd just like to know how others would truly feel, or have felt, in this situation. Thanks.

i have been with my boyfriend for a year.

We have known each other for 5/6 years.

We obviously didn't see each other during lockdown months. Other than that we saw each other once or twice a week and occasional weekends awafor part of a friendship group although he and I weren't particularly close within that group.

For that time, he was in a relationship with someone he'd been with for 8 years in total. His partner sometimes joined us in the early days but increasingly less so and not at all after lockdown.

Anyway, last year, we were all out somewhere drinking. He was quite drunk and he told me he loved me and had done for a long time. I was stunned. I hadn't even considered him in that way because he wasn't single and he'd never done or said anything to make me think he had any sort of interest in me at all. I didn't say anything in response. I remember just standing there feeling very confused and shocked.

He messaged me the following day to apologise. Said it was true but he shouldn't have said it; hadn't intended on telling me and that he hoped it wouldn't affect the friendship group. I accepted the apology, said not to worry and decided to forget all about it. Other than that, we didn't speak about it again - we didn't have any contact at all.

By the following week, he had ended his relationship and moved out of his partner's house and back into his flat. He told me after the fact and said he didn't expect anything from me, that he hadn't done it with the expectation of anything happening between us but that admitting how he felt to me had made him realise that the relationship was over and it would be fairer to both of them to end it.

Over the next few weeks, I realised that I had always had feelings for him too but hadn't even acknowledged it to myself because he wasn't available.

Anyway, a few weeks after he ended his relationship, we went out and the last year has been the best relationship I've ever had. He's kind, thoughtful, affectionate, committed... we laugh ridiculously. He accepts me exactly as I am and tells me how lucky he feels to have me.

I know it's not ideal. I felt a bit shit about it at the time because it's just a bit shitty. But everyone reassured me it was fine - everyone else knew that things hadn't been right between them for a couple of years; we hadn't cheated; and he hadn't been happy and they were pleased we'd found each other. Neither of us are 'young' and, as far as we are both concerned, this is it.

Over the past few weeks, it's really started to bother me though that he could have harboured these feelings for someone else while being in a relationship and kept it hidden for so long. He stayed in a relationship he wasn't feeling for 2-3 years because he didn't want to leave her (he didn't dislike her - she was a lovely woman, he just didn't love her anymore) and wanted to do the right thing. I just don't know how I feel about it. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of a sense of 'doing the right thing'.

There's one more thing. He tells me I'm beautiful. Not all the time and not a in love bombing way. But it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not and it feels, I don't know, unnecessary?

I don't think he did anything that wrong. He didn't cheat and he left his partner with no expectation you and he would get together.

I think you sound uncomfortable about him loving you and finding you beautiful.

I’m not really seeing the issue. Plenty of people stay in ‘all right’ relationships for whatever reason. He sounds like a decent guy, and he obviously loves you and finds you beautiful. You’re looking for problems where none exist 🙂

It sounds like you have found a decent bloke who loves you to bits. And for some reason you want to throw this away. Could it be that you are not as in to him as he is?

I think I do feel uncomfortable with it. I've never had a long term relationship and I've always ended them after a few short months because they weren't right in some way.

I think I'm looking for a reason to end it because it's all I've ever done.

I'd hate someone to stay in an 'alright' relationship with me. And especially if they'd rather be somewhere else. I think I'm bothered that one day it could be me thinking he loves me while he'd rather be elsewhere 😕

You really are trying to find issues that don't exist. Do you generally self sabotage your relationships ? He sounds like a lovely guy and you have the grounds for a really good relationship but maybe you don't feel you deserve that ? Maybe counselling would help you revalue yourself worth and accept that you are beautiful and worthwhile because you are ?

No.

I love him very much but that's a very new experience for me.

I feel I'm talking myself out of ending it all the time at the moment for really stupid reasons. I don't seem to be able to balance it in my head.

I don't feel I sabotage but I've never had a relationship last longer than 5 or 6 months because I end them for all sorts of reasons.

I don't feel I deserve it though. And I don't see how I could sustain someone's interest in me.

You’re unhappy because your DP didn’t immediately ditch his lovely long term partner the very moment he had doubts, and because he occasionally (unnecessarily?!) calls you ‘beautiful’? And you ‘feel badly enough about this already’? About, what, exactly?

To answer your question, I wouldn’t feel anything about the complete lack of a situation you’ve described. It’s unlikely most people would. I don’t think I’ve seen a more jarring case of a person creating issues where there are none.

You’re unhappy because your DP didn’t immediately ditch his lovely long term partner the very moment he had doubts

I suppose I feel she deserved better. She deserved to he with someone who truly adored her. I know he did at one point but the relationship continued even when that had gone.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me. It bothers me that he could do it to me.

You are a thief of your own joy, overthinking and creating something out of nothing.

You are a thief of your own joy, overthinking and creating something out of nothing.

Maybe.

It doesn't feel like that though.

There are no issues here except your own avoidance issues. He didn’t try to have an affair with you. However, there came a point at which he realised that his feelings for you were incompatible with remaining in his previous relationship and he very responsibly ended it while making clear he expected nothing of you. There’s nothing wrong with that.

There’s also no reason to believe it would be the same with you. Most people have only a small number of very serious relationships and arrive at a relationship that “sticks” so to speak. I’ve had 3 serious relationships in my life. My 3rd is with my DH and we’re now at 20+ years.

You say you’re not young but before now you’ve always found a reason to end relationships after a few months. So it’s clear that for some reason, you have issues with intimacy and commitment. It seems like your issues means that you’re now looking to sabotage a relationship which is otherwise going well. Have you ever had therapy to address your relationship issues or otherwise attempted to examine them? You love this man and he loves you - it sounds like it would be a real shame for that to be spoilt.

So to me it seems a pattern to you. That you've always ended things for many different reasons but it is you who ends it.

I'd say you're being unavailable. And there is a reason for this.

Do you keep people at arms length so they can't get too close? Did you have someone hurt you or did you see someone you love hurt? Were either of your parents unavailable to you or abandoned you in some way?

Look up unavailable relationships and attachment styles. It might be enlightening for you.

I've read this post and found some similarities to my friend. She has combined avoidment anxious attachment style. It was very eye opening reading it. Her childhood trauma played into this style very much so.

I think you're getting worried because you've let someone close to you for the first time and it's scary as hell being vulnerable with someone. You're looking for reasons to end it again maybe because of this. But maybe something inside of you doesn't want to just run from this so you posted.

I echo what someone said earlier. Find a good counsellor who can help you work through this. Good luck!

Well maybe it could be you in future. Or maybe it won't.

That is the same for all of us. But that is the risk of loving someone. They can go off you at any time.

It is illogical not to be with someone who loves you now, just because they may not love you in the future.

So, you think that the very moment a person has any doubts they should immediately end their long term relationship and leave their partner? As that’s astoundingly unhealthy and, as a lot of people occasionally have moments (or even periods) of doubt, would mean that almost no relationships would exist.

Relationships are complex. Nobody 100% adores anyone 100% of the time. That is an impossibility. Emotions ebb and flow. Often people hit a rough patch (this was more pronounced than ever during lockdown). Sometimes things work themselves out, sometimes it turns out to be a permanent thing, you’re not in love anymore and you end it.

You are coming across as spectacularly immature. I really don’t know how to say that in a kinder way. How old are you, OP?

He most probably stayed with the ex because it’s easier to stay than leave, believe me.
And when we are in love we find the other person attractive, so you may not think you’re beautiful, but you are to him right now.
Relax.

In a long relationship, people are not necessarily in love with one another 100% every minute of the time they are together. Some doubts and some problems are usually part of finding our way through life with another person. Sticking with a partner through the vicissitudes of life, and learning about yourself in the process, is part of growing up (I mean really growing up, not just getting to age 21).
It can be a process which stays interesting and significant all the way into old age.

I echo others: it seems to me that there are some issues which it would benefit you to look at for your own sake. Why don’t you feel you deserve a longer relationship? Why have you hitherto sabotaged the possibility of a longer relationship? Why is it uncomfortable that your bf finds you beautiful (beauty being in the eye of the beholder and all that)?

As to his previous relationship, he was thoroughly honest with her and with you. How refreshing. It’s possible for him to carry on being that honest and leave should he be feeling obligated: but you’d have to trust him to do that. I wonder if trust is an issue for you?

I think maybe because you’ve never had a long term relationship you are under the impression you are going to be head over heels in love 24/7 and that’s not the case for most people. I’ve been with my DH a very long time and there have been times I can’t stand him and I’m sure he’s felt the same about me when we’ve gone through a rough patch but it’s about mutual respect, working through problems. wanting the same things out of life etc. I think you are trying to self sabotage the relationship and create problems where there aren’t any. He sounds lovely, stop overthinking it and just enjoy it!

What's your parents relationship like? Do you have examples in your immediate family where people stayed longer than they should have, or hurt someone badly?

I think most of what you describe is a non-issue. But you clearly have low self esteem which should be addressed, otherwise it will sap all the joy and possibility from your life. You need to work out where these thoughts are coming from before you throw this away.

If you're expecting the relationship to end at some time anyway, why be in a rush to make that happen? Assuming you are genuinely happy with this man, why not take what happiness you can get? It's like committing suicide to save time rather than making the most of the life you've got. Never having a pet because one day it will die. Never buying a car because one day you'll have to replace it.

However, I'd just say - this is Mumsnet after all! - are you quite sure that it is an issue with you and/or with the situation he came out of, rather than subconscious doubt you have about him as a person? Is this worrying about how he might or should have behaved an obvious thing to pin your doubts on, or is there maybe some kind of niggle you can't quite nail down? If the latter, keep your eyes open or end it when the doubts overwhelm the good stuff. But if you're confident it isn't a fault in him, other than "well he left one woman so he could leave another", carry on telling yourself not to be so silly! Otherwise we'd all end up marrying the first person we date. I did that and it was a very bad idea!

Last thought: perhaps the real reason you've been pushing other partners away in the past was to leave yourself free for the right one, but it's become such a habit you can't get out of it when the right one does come along.

You just need to have a conversation with him to put your mind at rest. Many relationships end and start in this way. I also suspect you know when it goes off the boil but both parties just plod on.

Also, he finds you beautiful. How bloody lovely.

OP I still have the letter my DH wrote to me informing me he had broken off his engagement and therefore his relationship with his fiancee. He said he understood if I never wanted to see him again, but as he had developed such strong feelings for me he couldn't, in all fairness, continue his relationship.

We only knew each other through work (he was a client), had never been alone, never had a personal conversation, but there was an undeniable spark between us.

That was 37 years ago, and we're now grandparents, and we still have that spark. Don't question too much, just enjoy what you have. He hasn't done anything wrong.

My husband's first fiancee was actually very understanding when he broke things off, and admitted she felt the relationship wasn't really working either. So they were both just limping along. There's a good chance your boyfriends longterm partner also wasn't feeling it anymore.

It's so easy to stay in a 'not too bad' relationship, for fear of change, so it's not like he was faking anything, he was just in a not too bad situation, and it took you coming along for him to make the decision to leave.

My partner was in an 16 year marriage that he knew wasn't right before he even proposed.

I do ponder it sometimes. What it says about him, about us. But generally come to the conclusion that whatever it said about him, he had learned from, and it says absolutely nothing about us.

His marriage was over 2 years before we met.