How would you feel about this? Genuinely?

[UnwornDress]

I know that, sometimes, on MN, responses can be harsh. I feel badly enough about this already. I'm not looking to head to feel bad about it, I'd just like to know how others would truly feel, or have felt, in this situation. Thanks.

i have been with my boyfriend for a year.

We have known each other for 5/6 years.

We obviously didn't see each other during lockdown months. Other than that we saw each other once or twice a week and occasional weekends awafor part of a friendship group although he and I weren't particularly close within that group.

For that time, he was in a relationship with someone he'd been with for 8 years in total. His partner sometimes joined us in the early days but increasingly less so and not at all after lockdown.

Anyway, last year, we were all out somewhere drinking. He was quite drunk and he told me he loved me and had done for a long time. I was stunned. I hadn't even considered him in that way because he wasn't single and he'd never done or said anything to make me think he had any sort of interest in me at all. I didn't say anything in response. I remember just standing there feeling very confused and shocked.

He messaged me the following day to apologise. Said it was true but he shouldn't have said it; hadn't intended on telling me and that he hoped it wouldn't affect the friendship group. I accepted the apology, said not to worry and decided to forget all about it. Other than that, we didn't speak about it again - we didn't have any contact at all.

By the following week, he had ended his relationship and moved out of his partner's house and back into his flat. He told me after the fact and said he didn't expect anything from me, that he hadn't done it with the expectation of anything happening between us but that admitting how he felt to me had made him realise that the relationship was over and it would be fairer to both of them to end it.

Over the next few weeks, I realised that I had always had feelings for him too but hadn't even acknowledged it to myself because he wasn't available.

Anyway, a few weeks after he ended his relationship, we went out and the last year has been the best relationship I've ever had. He's kind, thoughtful, affectionate, committed... we laugh ridiculously. He accepts me exactly as I am and tells me how lucky he feels to have me.

I know it's not ideal. I felt a bit shit about it at the time because it's just a bit shitty. But everyone reassured me it was fine - everyone else knew that things hadn't been right between them for a couple of years; we hadn't cheated; and he hadn't been happy and they were pleased we'd found each other. Neither of us are 'young' and, as far as we are both concerned, this is it.

Over the past few weeks, it's really started to bother me though that he could have harboured these feelings for someone else while being in a relationship and kept it hidden for so long. He stayed in a relationship he wasn't feeling for 2-3 years because he didn't want to leave her (he didn't dislike her - she was a lovely woman, he just didn't love her anymore) and wanted to do the right thing. I just don't know how I feel about it. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of a sense of 'doing the right thing'.

There's one more thing. He tells me I'm beautiful. Not all the time and not a in love bombing way. But it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not and it feels, I don't know, unnecessary?

"My parents told me I was unlovable and the best I could hope for was to be settled for by someone. But my personality/character didn't lend itself to that because I was either too much or not enough. That's partly why I've always ended relationships. It took until my early 40s to actually understand that they were wrong. But it does mean that I have no positive relationship experiences. I probably haven't really 'learnt' anything about relationships along the way".

Your answer as to why you try and self sabotage an actually good relationship lies in the above. We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you an awful lot of damaging crap about relationships. They made you think and or believe you were unloveable, it was abusive of them to do that to you. Your mother projected her own misery onto you and wanted you to suffer similarly. Despite therapy (and all credit on you for doing that) some residual element of their doubts remains to this very day in you. No-one ever bothered to show you what a mutually respectful and loving relationship is like so its no real surprise you do not know yourself.

BTW are your parents still together?.

When he ended his relationship, moved out etc. he had no way of knowing whether he'd find a good match for him any time soon. He took a big risk between being comfortable and reaching for the potential of a relationship where he felt more fulfilled.
In the time he was in limbo, they may or may not have worked at it, but I would see that time as giving the relationship chance to grow.

If you ended it now you'll be heartbroken. If he ends it in the future, you'll be heartbroken. There are no guarantees but that's the risk we take with relationships. At some point though the honeymoon phase will be over and you both will need to put in some work if you both want to continue to feel fulfilled.

Do you have plenty else going on in your life? I think my idea would be to make sure I have hobbies, friends etc that I see regularly so that there's balance and he's not the only thing in my universe.

Things have probably moved on since Sept 2022 when the OP first posted!

Hi. This came up this morning and I read it thinking "That sounds very familiar. I could have written that..."

Sadly, things haven't really moved on all that far for me.

We're together still, the relationship is progressing well and in every way except for this, it's brilliant. But the whole relationship is underpinned by me feeling like this. There's a constant sense of uncertainty that, even though he gives no tangible reason to doubt it, means I find it difficult to be as at ease with him as he is with me.

I do have hobbies and friends. I have fantastic children who are independent/nearly there. If we split up, I'd be sad but my life wouldn't end!

In fact, I'm not at all worried about us splitting up and I'm not worried about being on my own. He knows this. He tried telling me he'd never leave me. I said that wasn't what I wanted and that I wanted him to tell me he wouldn't stay with me for a minute longer than he actively wanted to. He did but then said he sees himself spending the rest of his life with me (were both older) and he loves me.

He previously said that he had no expectation of us getting together when he left his previous relationship but that he knew his feelings (in general) meant that it was the end of the road for them. He said he deliberately did it without saying anything to me beforehand because he didn't want me to feel any responsibility for it or obligation to him. He knew that I wouldn't have had anything to do with an affair and he would never have had an affair either.

What did (and still does) worry me is that he might stay with me out of a sense of duty; loyalty; having made his bed and so he must lie in it; that I don't live up to his expectations of me; that he regets it.. I'm not as easy going or as 'lovely' as his ex. I have emotional baggage from my upbringing and have been diagnosed with HFA so I'm not always straightforward.

I worry that he pefers other women to me or compares me to them. I wonder if he feels I'm a disappointment or an embarrassment. I feel inadequate and unattractive.

He told me the other evening that he hadn't been this happy in a long time and thanked me for everything I bring to his life. I couldn't say anything because of these feelings and because I can't see what I bring to his life at all.

It's like two parallel relationships running concurrently.

One in which I can see how good everything is and could be and one where I feel very out of my depth.

I was in a LTR which I didn't have the guts to end. It was around covid time I was really unhappy but even though I hid it to an extent (blaming covid for not seeing him) it should have been obvious to him that things weren't right. He later admitted they were but didn't want to break up.
My partner was married and it took him years to leave even though he was miserable (no I wasn't the OW this is going back years).
So theoretically either one of us could be scared of each other repeating the same behaviour. We just had to promise that if we ever had doubts we'd talk about them. We just have to trust.

I think it is, in part, that I never saw myself in a long term relationship.

I'm not sure what I'm trusting.

It feels a bit arrogant to just accept it.

Hi OP, it sounds like there's probably a lot going on here to be unpicked.

You say that you don't worry about splitting up or being on your own and that is a very good position to be in - being desperate or feeling you need a relationship leaves you vulnerable. However it's almost like you've gone the other way a little bit too far.

Are you ending things with other people because they are genuinely not right? Or because you have extremely high standards that no one could meet? Or do you end things before they have the chance to finish with you (because you're sure they'll work out at some point that you're not good enough for them and you want to pre-empt that)? Being told you are unloveable as a child is just horrendous emotional abuse and that is bound to have a huge impact on you as an adult. You also probably don't really know what a healthy relationship looks like as your parents were so dysfunctional. This is probably part of why you feel so out of your depth at times.

Having ASD will also impact the way you see things - perhaps more rigidly, more black and white and more logically than most. And I think that might be why you are struggling with how your boyfriend ended his other relationship. I think most people when they have been in a relationship of several years don't just wake up one day, realise they're unhappy and immediately leave. It just doesn't tend to be that black and white for most people. Things often drift along, you hope the spark will come back, you think it's just a difficult patch, you want things to change but aren't really sure what to do - because there are ups and downs in all long relationships - and things keep going until finally one day you realise enough is enough, that it can't be fixed, and call it a day.

It sounds like he might be more led by emotions than you, and you're more led by logic than him - and so communication is going to be really, really, really important (as it is in any relationship!) People with ASD tend to be pretty straightforward and honest IME and so when he says 'thankyou for everything you bring to my life' and you don't know what you bring to his life why not just ask him? Or if you're overwhelmed in the moment then later say 'remember when you said x, what do I bring?' BUT be prepared for him to say things that aren't concrete ie you make me happy, you make me feel good etc. and be prepared that that might be difficult for your logical brain to accept. It also sounds like you really struggle with accepting compliments

I think you need to stop questioning are you good enough, stop questioning does he really like me and just be more in the moment - right here, right now, this is good. No one can predict or control the future, neither of you can know how things will pan out and that can feel quite out of control - which might be more difficult to deal with when you have ASD.

I think you should consider getting some more counselling or therapy if possible to help you with all that this relationship is bringing up and to help you navigate it. You deserve love and happiness OP, that's the bottom line.

It sounds very much like you are self-sabotaging. Don’t! Stop it! Be happy.

She’s right. Instead of enjoying what you have now, in this moment, you’re looking for problems and worrying about something that may or may not happen.