How would you feel about this? Genuinely?

[UnwornDress]

I know that, sometimes, on MN, responses can be harsh. I feel badly enough about this already. I'm not looking to head to feel bad about it, I'd just like to know how others would truly feel, or have felt, in this situation. Thanks.

i have been with my boyfriend for a year.

We have known each other for 5/6 years.

We obviously didn't see each other during lockdown months. Other than that we saw each other once or twice a week and occasional weekends awafor part of a friendship group although he and I weren't particularly close within that group.

For that time, he was in a relationship with someone he'd been with for 8 years in total. His partner sometimes joined us in the early days but increasingly less so and not at all after lockdown.

Anyway, last year, we were all out somewhere drinking. He was quite drunk and he told me he loved me and had done for a long time. I was stunned. I hadn't even considered him in that way because he wasn't single and he'd never done or said anything to make me think he had any sort of interest in me at all. I didn't say anything in response. I remember just standing there feeling very confused and shocked.

He messaged me the following day to apologise. Said it was true but he shouldn't have said it; hadn't intended on telling me and that he hoped it wouldn't affect the friendship group. I accepted the apology, said not to worry and decided to forget all about it. Other than that, we didn't speak about it again - we didn't have any contact at all.

By the following week, he had ended his relationship and moved out of his partner's house and back into his flat. He told me after the fact and said he didn't expect anything from me, that he hadn't done it with the expectation of anything happening between us but that admitting how he felt to me had made him realise that the relationship was over and it would be fairer to both of them to end it.

Over the next few weeks, I realised that I had always had feelings for him too but hadn't even acknowledged it to myself because he wasn't available.

Anyway, a few weeks after he ended his relationship, we went out and the last year has been the best relationship I've ever had. He's kind, thoughtful, affectionate, committed... we laugh ridiculously. He accepts me exactly as I am and tells me how lucky he feels to have me.

I know it's not ideal. I felt a bit shit about it at the time because it's just a bit shitty. But everyone reassured me it was fine - everyone else knew that things hadn't been right between them for a couple of years; we hadn't cheated; and he hadn't been happy and they were pleased we'd found each other. Neither of us are 'young' and, as far as we are both concerned, this is it.

Over the past few weeks, it's really started to bother me though that he could have harboured these feelings for someone else while being in a relationship and kept it hidden for so long. He stayed in a relationship he wasn't feeling for 2-3 years because he didn't want to leave her (he didn't dislike her - she was a lovely woman, he just didn't love her anymore) and wanted to do the right thing. I just don't know how I feel about it. I wouldn't want someone to stay with me out of a sense of 'doing the right thing'.

There's one more thing. He tells me I'm beautiful. Not all the time and not a in love bombing way. But it makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not and it feels, I don't know, unnecessary?

OP, I think it's really relevant that all your other relationships have ended after 5-6 months and you are looking to finish this one for something which honestly isn't a big issue. Are you commitment phobic? What was your parent's relationship like?

Dump him if you like OP. But I don't think you'll be happier - I think you'll find something not perfect about the next guy too.

So reading between the lines your relationship started as an on off affair either emotional or sexual
? You could have been more transparent about that.

Perhaps you feel guilty for partly being responsible for breaking up a relationship? You should.

The damage is done.

Unfortunately far more marriages in my family started with affairs and they all have stayed together and never cheated again. Not ideal of course but they have all found happiness as have all of their former spouses.

@UnwornDress

m don’t forget beauty is in the eyes of the beholder and goes more than skin deep.

just live each day for what it is because none of us know what tomorrow will bring

Life is too short to not enjoy happiness when it presents itself.

Lap up the compliments, if the relationship does end, but it might not, you will still have had loads of time living.

Who knows what is around the corner.

He actually did the right thing, rather than leaving a relationship for a new one, which happens all too often IME. I think, kindly, if your relationships last about 6 months, then it may be worth exploring this with a therapist, if you can run to it, or a trusted friend.

Long relationships are different to short ones. I think you need to trust him, he’s done nothing wrong. Sometimes long relationships just fizzle out, feelings towards someone after many years are different to those first few months, or even first few years. It’s difficult to make a call to end it if you’re getting along and are still friends, it may well be that his feelings for you were the motivation to end it, love doesn’t come along that often.

You seem to be worrying about problems that don’t exist and may never be a problem. It’s probably not uncommon, falling in love is quite unsettling, there’s no guarantee it will last so looking for the exit might feel like it will soften the blow if it dies end. But I’d absolutely agree you are stealing your own happiness with these thoughts. Try to live in the moment and trust that he’s telling you how he feels.

What are your thoughts on his ex also staying in the relationship? If people around them knew they weren't happy/things not get - then it gives the impression that they were both limping along? Or was she absolutely devastated when he left and thought things were perfect?

Your boyfriend realised he had to leave, and done the right thing. More people should go by his actions actually. You read posts about it all the time on here. People just making do. Life's too short for that.

I don't think it's fair to be judging your boyfriend, especially when you've never had a LTR and have no experience in them. Perhaps you should be looking at yourself, and why you are keen to self sabotage a good thing.

Anyway, last year, we were all out somewhere drinking. He was quite drunk and he told me he loved me and had done for a long time. I was stunned. I hadn't even considered him in that way because he wasn't single and he'd never done or said anything to make me think he had any sort of interest in me at all. I didn't say anything in response. I remember just standing there feeling very confused and shocked

He messaged me the following day to apologise. Said it was true but he shouldn't have said it; hadn't intended on telling me and that he hoped it wouldn't affect the friendship group. I accepted the apology, said not to worry and decided to forget all about it. Other than that, we didn't speak about it again - we didn't have any contact at all

By the following week, he had ended his relationship and moved out of his partner's house and back into his flat

Please explain how you got ‘emotional or sexual affair’ from this. Show us the lines you read between.

I think your reticence is totally understandable and just because he didn’t cheat on his Ex doesn’t mean that he acted well. I certainly wouldn’t rush into a relationship with someone so fresh out of an old one, no matter how long they say they weren’t feeling it. Just because he has harboured feelings for you for a long time doesn’t mean you have to rush.

OP, the entire problem is in you, not in this relationship or your partner. You (and he) deserve love as much as anyone else, but you don’t allow yourself to enjoy it. Please try counselling to help you stop sabotaging yourself.

I’ve found cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) useful, as it focuses on what you can do now, rather than delving into the past.

There probably are issues from your childhood that cause this self-sabotage, and a CBT therapist may also be able to help you decide what you need to do about those. Or maybe your short-lived relationships were just not with the right people, and you’d just let a non-starter drift on for a few months when it was going nowhere?

But the urgent need is to stop you destroying this good relationship right now.

Good luck to you and the man who loves you. Xx

I understand what you are saying. That he basically stayed with her even though he didn't love her and you're worried that he is capable of being deceitful.

However, it is likely less cut and dried than that. they had been together a long time, plus add covid in the mix. Its hard to realise a relationship has run its course especially if you still care deeply for the person you are with. So its hard to just think suddenly, I don;t love you, and end it.

I think possibly that the relationship was familiar and he wasn't sure whether to walk away from it or continue trying. Then he realised how he felt about you and at this point he realised his relationship couldn't be saved and he ended it amicably and moved out.

The key thing here, is that he did not start an affair with you and then move out. He had a realisation, which likely wasn't fully there before and why he stayed for those years after knowing the relationship was starting to fail.

Its a totally normal thing and I think most people do not intentionally stay with someone they have fallen out of love with. They stay to see if the love can cme back, plus they still care for the person and won't want to hurt them.

I think the fact he moved out, ended it, and had no expectation with you is key. He just needed that moment, where he knew he had feeling for someone else and therefore had to end the relationship he was clinging onto so as to be fair to both himself and his previous partner.

And he calls you beautiful OP, because he finds you beautiful. Beauty is not just about how a person looks. Its everything. I have known some very 'beautiful' people in my time, who after getting to know them are not very nice and they actually become ugly to look at for me, and vice versa. I had a friend along time ago who most would describe as quite plain. But she was a lovely person and on getting to know her, she became one of the most beautiful people I'd known.

He sounds amazing and emotionally mature - he didn't ditch a long term partner for what may have been a fleeting crush, which many of us even happily coupled experience. He left before starting a new relationship. He sounds like he followed the ideal blue print. You sound like you need to work on your securities - I think he could help you develop your emotional intelligence if you can be open with yourself about your insecurity.

I'd be fine with it. Love can very complicated and hard... so if you have that connection and are happy, just go with the flow.

'I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't love me. It bothers me that he could do it to me.'

If you follow this through to it's logical conclusion, you'll end up never having a long term relationship with anyone.

Your DP sounds like a decent sort, and tbh, you sound like rather hard work.

Would counselling help?

There’s no guarantees in love. If you are waiting for a guarantee that you will
never be hurt then you are not ready to be in a relationship.
love makes us vulnerable, could you find yourself in a relationship with someone who falls out of love with you but stays till circumstances allow him to move on more easily, sure you could. Could you be in a relationship where you both love each other madly, never have thoughts of anyone else until the end of your days, sure you could.
if I was you I’d just get on with it, enjoy each other and hope for the best . Life is short, make the most of it

Going againts the grain here, but I totally see where you’re coming from.

He did string another woman along for years, how can someone do that?
And can he do that to you too at some point, when love runs out or whatever.

You seem to be deep thinker, and want someone from the bottom of their existence.
Not everyone is like that.
Many people seem to settle for just about anything, so they don’t have to be alone.
And that’s not healthy.

I think you are out of your comfort zone as perhaps this relationship is different from the others you had previously.

Have a look at different attachment styles and how to deal with them.

Do some research on attachment disorders and issues. I am 4 months into therapy and could have written half your post. Especially about compliments being 'unnecessary'. I question my partner on his average relationships before and am sceptical of how much he loves me. And why he treated his ex so badly by staying in a dead relationship etc..

Don't throw this away OP it sounds great. When I recognised my self sabotage I booked into therapy to fix it..

Do you always work this hard to create problems that simply don't exist? You are going to ruin the best thing that's ever happened to you if you don't get a handle on this.

Relationships go through phases where you are in love and then bad phases where you might not be getting on so well. They can also go through phases where you feel like friends. If the not getting on phase or the "friends" phase keeps going on for too long then a person re-assesses whether it's enough for them. He may have just been waiting to see if it changed again and as it didn't he ended it.

However I wonder are you worried that he will do this again (to you) just remember every single relationship is different, he sounds like he is willing to put the work into a relationship and not make snap decisions. Just try and enjoy it during this lovely initial period and not second guess him and self sabotage.

Love doesn't come round too often in life and you have to take a leap of faith. It's very scary though!!!

listen to what @Opaljewel said. You might deal with any kind of intense emotion by avoiding or ending things, because of things that happened to you in your family of origin.

Sometimes when you are finally in a loving relationship it feels uncomfortable and unfamiliar because you are used to more ‘drama’. The discomfort you feel when he compliments you and guilt over his ex May come from negative self-talk that you don’t even notice. Perhaps think about therapy or some mindfulness training.

Thank you for the replies!

Many people have made the same points.
To clarify, no there was no affair of any type. I've never cheated on anyone and I don't believe he has either. I wouldn't be party to anything like that.

My parents told me I was unlovable and the best I could hope for was to be settled for by someone. But my personality/character didn't lend itself to that because I was either too much or not enough. That's partly why I've always ended relationships. It took until my early 40s to actually understand that they were wrong. But it does mean that I have no positive relationship experiences. I probably haven't really 'learnt' anything about relationships along the way.

My parents didn't love each other - my mum settled for my dad. I've no idea about dad but they didn't love each other and our lives as a family were miserable. My mum told me once that no one is happy and laughed at me for saying that's what I wanted out of life. I'd rather be alone than with someone who was settling for me any day. I've spent most of my adult life on my own. I probably do have some issues as a result. It's always made me more determined to be independent and probably stick two fingers up at the world in a bit of a "You don't want me? Fuck you, I don't need you anyway!" Sort of way.

I have had therapy to deal with it. I no longer feel hostile towards anyone who shows me love but I don't really believe it either.

I used to say that it felt like I had more chance of winning the lottery than being loved and I haven't bought a lottery ticket since 1997.

My parents told me I was unlovable and the best I could hope for was to be settled for by someone

Well, there's your answer. You're simply trying to sabotage the relationship before he can hurt you, I reckon it's as simple as that.

He sounds like a good guy and you'd be mad to end things, honestly.

I feel like reading your post was a right waste of a few minutes of mine… WHY? Because you and him having a relationship together shows no wrong doing and you have every right to stay this way and be happy together regardless of anything else… this relationship is seeming very legit to me and it even overrules the need to be asking for opinions on this…

I think you have different questions hidden beneath the surface of this one… questions like… do I actually have feelings for this man?… or… will I ever enjoy the nice things he has to say about me enough for this relationship to continue?…

grab it with both hands and your head held high but only if that’s what you want out of this relationship… tune into you’re subconscious a little more and feel what’s real inside you as I think your conscious mind is overthinking things too much to hear what your heart is trying to tell you!!

I think logically it would make sense to wonder if on the future he would stay with you even if he was no longer feeling it.

He strung her along, why wouldn't he do the same to you?