I’m not going to say what definitely works for all three year olds, one size never fits all, but this was what worked for us: Good old fashioned warning, followed by ‘naughty step’ as last resort. Didn’t call it the ‘naughty step’, just told them they would have to sit on the bottom step of the stairs for two minutes if they did it again/ didn’t comply with the request.
Sleep/ bedtime problems were dealt with by not reacting, not debating, just stating calmly it was time to go to bed if bedtime was an issue, or if they got up at silly o’ clock and were not ill or had a genuine problem, stating it wasn’t time to get up and taking the back to bed. Rinse and repeat until they have nearly broken you in our case. 😂
It’s tiring, wearing and you’d have to be superhuman if it didn’t affect your relationship for a while. It took many, many, many repetitions but it worked. The penny dropped eventually that no protest or tantrum ever succeeded and that no really, really meant no.
It was hard work, reduced me to tears sometimes (in another room listening to the sobbing) and you both have to be on exactly the same page, totally consistent, but it worked for us. I’m not saying it works for everybody or that it’s a piece of cake, it isn’t, it’s just what worked in our case.
The good news about your relationship is that you’ve actually detected the space it’s created between you. Talk to him about it (he might be pleased and relieved that you want to talk about it) and plan together how to get space for you both. Here’s something nobody told me when I got married many years ago:
Marriages aren’t great all the time by a long chalk sometimes, and raising children is hard work and a huge relationship dynamic changer, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s over or there’s no love left. It’s not a very romantic notion that marriage isn’t all hearts and flowers for the rest of your life, that it’s supposed to be a lifetime partnership where each time you face a potential crisis you have to choose to commit and value it when you might find it easier not to. You also sometimes have to know when to make the choice to leave the relationship if your spouse does not value it or you and will not change.
In your case, only from what you have said here, granted, it sounds like an exhausted couple struggling with their very young child, working hard and having a lot of priorities which are pushing the marriage to the back burner. This happens sometimes in marriage, the trick is to know that that is what’s happening, talk about it as soon as possible and find a window as soon as you can to remedy it. Absolutely agree to find a babysitter and get out to remember how lovely that feels.
Raising kids can get very Groundhog Day, and resentment is a big marriage killer and can build if one party envies the other and feels like they are doing the heavy lifting. Talk to your husband about what you have said here and look for that babysitter. Google everything you can about toddler tantrums and if your child attends nursery, ask for more advice.
Most parents have had these moments at some point in their child rearing years and relationship. It’s a tiring and wearing phase but it honestly does end.
I remember the Groundhog Day feelings, it can feel lonely too, I felt like everyone else had the perfect child/ marriage/ husband or were perfect parents compared to me.
I can tell you now you have a better chance of stepping in unicorn shit today than coming across any of the above. Hang in there XX