Page 2 | I’m sad - is my marriage on it’s way out?

Idontknowwhattodo4 · 2022-09-09T05:42:18+00:00

I’m so sad this morning, been with my DH 8 years, married 1. We have a 3 year old together, since he was born he’s always been a challenging child, very strong willed and for the past 6 months constantly tantruming. He wakes up between 4/5 every morning no matter what we do, we have no help from family or friends so haven’t been able to spend any time together (apart from our wedding night) alone since he was born. I feel like a gap has developed between us - partially due to tiredness and partially due to my resentment towards him that he gets to go to work and everything at home is taken care of (I work part time). I love the bones of him but our days are now get home from work, cook tea, bath DS, tidy up then an hour together watching TV then we have to go to bed as we know how early he‘ll be up. Feels like Groundhog Day every day. Anyone have any words of wisdom?

anthurium · 09/09/2022 11:57

Why do you work part time?

GoAround · 09/09/2022 12:17

I hear you with early waking kids! This worked for us: When he wakes early, one of you takes him quietly downstairs to watch TV and can snooze a bit on the sofa with him if you can. The other stays in bed until a more civilised hour, basically whatever time necessary to ensure everyone gets ready on time. Swap every other day. There’s no need for you both to feel knackered, all of the time.

On babysitting, we’ve used Bubble and it works well, we now have 2 regulars through them. I also have a 5 year old so I can be confident she’d tell me if she didn’t like one! It’s really important to get time together.

The tantrum phase will also pass, presumably if he’s 3 and you work PT he’s at nursery? Can you ask them how they deal with them to stay consistent?

Original poster

Idontknowwhattodo4 · 09/09/2022 13:16

@anthurium circumstances really, also being guilt tripped by family members of working full time, I see now that wasn’t the wisest idea as my career has come to a full stand still.

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Bestcatmum · 09/09/2022 13:21

This is what parenthood is all about. He'll grow out of this in a couple of years I'm sure you're marriage can survive that long, just make sure you don't have any more kids.
I had just the one because the thought of doing it all over again made me feel sick.

Thewookiemustgo · 09/09/2022 15:51

Not for an hour maybe but absolutely the yelling etc. It’s easy to say this but it's true, don't take the yelling and sobbing and behaviour personally, it has one purpose. To get his own way. Absolutely no other purpose than to establish where the boundaries are. Children of his age neither know nor care about your neighbours' disapproval or anything else in that moment, they have a very narrow focus: what they want.

MillyWithaY · 09/09/2022 15:58

Idontknowwhattodo4 · 09/09/2022 08:17

@DenholmElliot1 i’d love to be able to do that! We don’t know anyone who could babysit unfortunately 😢

That sounds very defeatist. Ask around, ask at nursery etc. My daughter lives far away so we can't do much babysitting, so she's found a sitter by asking at nursery.

Your marriage isn't on its way out, you're just going through a tough time - I remember those days well.

Thewookiemustgo · 09/09/2022 16:27

Wanted to add:

Tantrums are inevitable at one time or another: small children, with very good reason, have extremely limited control over their lives. They are also human and have desires and wants.
They also are not fully developed enough or experienced enough to have full mastery of their emotions.Toddlers don’t reason: they just feel. Feelings of powerlessness or being out of control are scary and when you’re two or three, reasoning through why you can or can’t do something and arguing the point effectively are skills well out of your reach. So you start pressing the adults’ buttons until you get what you want. And you keep pressing them harder. If the adult gives in, you’ve learned that that particular button pressed that hard yields results.
And trust me, they might be only three but they’ve got the learning ability and memory of an Oxbridge professor where that kind of learning is concerned.
When what their care givers want comes into conflict with their own desires, they have very few resources at that age to try to get their own way. Very few, yes, but my God are they powerful. Tantrums, crying, yelling, throwing stuff, even sometimes a physical attack (hit, kick, bite) are all perfectly reasonable responses in their eyes to the word “No” or to a simple request for them to stop doing something they want to continue doing, or to being asked to do something they don’t feel like doing at any particular time. Sometimes it can feel like trying to reason with a combination of Hitler and Putin.

Children love routine and feel more secure if they know where the boundaries are and what is/isn’t permitted. Ironically it makes them feel more in control,
because routine and rules consistently applied, mean their life becomes predictable. When we can predict our life we feel safe and secure. They might not be in charge but they know what happens when. They feel calmer and more in control.

Getting to that point can take many horrible tantrums and can turn intelligent, fully functioning adults into exhausted wrecks. Consistent, fair, shared parenting and a good routine help massively, but is bloody hard work. Any spade work you and your husband both do now will pay enormous dividends. Hard to believe sometimes but children want to please you, they really do, and are happier when they are. Some just take longer and need more opportunities to learn where the boundaries are to get there. I know it’s very tough, I really do, but screw the neighbours or anyone else, you’re parenting your child and are doing everything it takes. That’s a great parent, in my view. If people think yelling kid = shit parent then we all are, trust me. X

Original poster

Idontknowwhattodo4 · 09/09/2022 19:51

@Thewookiemustgo your reply has just had me in tears, I think I knew all that deep down but I needed to see it in black and white. I’m constantly beating myself up eg I’m not doing a good enough job, not spending enough time with him, guilt for doing housework instead of giving him my 100% attention. But you’re right it’s bloody hard work. On paper he’s a lovely kid with (if I do say so myself) fantastic manners and he’s very very caring and empathetic towards others. Just a shame he’s such a shit at home 😂
We will try and perserve! Had a big cry when husband got home from work and laid it all out on the table, I think the talk had definitely helped.
thank you x

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Original poster

Idontknowwhattodo4 · 09/09/2022 19:52

@Bestcatmum im the same - no way would I ever had another. I’d never take him back but these couple of years have broken me

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Madamecastafiore · 09/09/2022 20:06

Is he at nursery the days you work? If so can you ask there if anyone does babysitting? The nursery staff often do to earn extra money and it could be someone your son is familiar with.

Being a parent is bloody hard work but it does get easier. You do feel as though it's one long slog but you'll look back and swear about what a little shot he was with fondness one day. DC2 had us up at 5 everyday to watch Thomas the Tank Engine for 2 hours each day. The theme tune still makes me wince. DC3 slept in for the first time when they were 3248 days old!! I worked it out as it was a momentous occasion.

Verbena87 · 09/09/2022 20:12

Op you sound lovely, and this is normal. We’ve only got one (not by choice but that’s another story), and I also work 3 days a week. My little boy just turned 5 and started school.

this week on one of my home days I walked him to school, came home and did yoga, made wanky coffee with frothy milk and cinnamon, had lunch with my husband, had leisurely actually-awake sex, drank tea together and then went to pick him up. What I’m saying is hang in there, better-balanced days are coming . It just is hard. Keep talking to each other and keep the faith - you’re in the thick of a tricky bit.

Watchthesunrise · 09/09/2022 20:16

Idontknowwhattodo4 · 09/09/2022 08:17

@DenholmElliot1 i’d love to be able to do that! We don’t know anyone who could babysit unfortunately 😢

This is an excuse.

Don't make excuses, it's embarrassing.

You can find a babysitter.

247magni · 09/09/2022 20:17

Do you think you are putting him to bed too early? I think that putting kids to bed too early is asking for trouble! We used to all watch tv together, not kids tv, whatever we wanted to watch, and carry dc up to bed when he/she fell asleep on the sofa. Not every night. But quite often. Definitely at weekends and school holidays. Would your ds do that, cuddle on the sofa with you while you watched tv? some people/kids just don’t need that much sleep.

DecisionsDecisions21 · 09/09/2022 20:33

I'm in a bit of a predicament and don't know how to either make it better or get out of this.

My husband and I have 2 children, we earn a decent living, but not enough to be debt free and have a mortgage, very small Cc and a couple of car loans. Nothing we can't afford.

We both work full time and have some lovely family plans/holidays for the future. One holiday already booked, but there is still some saving to be done to pay for certain aspects, along with the loans etc.

My husband plays sport and ends up paying out for his activity with hotel accommodation, because of where the matches take place. Then on goes food and drinks.

He tells me i am wearing him down saying that we can't afford to do everything and something has to give. But he will never say no to anyone, he is genuinely a nice person and will do anything for anyone, apart from compromising with me.

There is no compromise, no thought on how we should save money/spend money.

I earn a good 20% more than he does, but he spends a hell of a lot more than I do. But it's all family money, but it doesn't feel equitable. He says that if I am by myself with the kids I take them out for lunch/dinner, which will be pittance compared to what he spends - but why shouldn't we get to enjoy ourselves. After all he does and some.

I feel like if I spent money like we did, we would get into trouble. But he says I should go out more and do things for myself, I think in earnest to help him justify his spending, but then surely that's toxic and I couldn't and won't get into anymore debt.

Please advise.

Successgirl2022 · 09/09/2022 20:44