I’m sad - is my marriage on it’s way out?

[Idontknowwhattodo4]

I’m so sad this morning, been with my DH 8 years, married 1. We have a 3 year old together, since he was born he’s always been a challenging child, very strong willed and for the past 6 months constantly tantruming. He wakes up between 4/5 every morning no matter what we do, we have no help from family or friends so haven’t been able to spend any time together (apart from our wedding night) alone since he was born.
I feel like a gap has developed between us - partially due to tiredness and partially due to my resentment towards him that he gets to go to work and everything at home is taken care of (I work part time). I love the bones of him but our days are now get home from work, cook tea, bath DS, tidy up then an hour together watching TV then we have to go to bed as we know how early he‘ll be up. Feels like Groundhog Day every day.

Anyone have any words of wisdom?

God yes, I had a lovely lady from the gym Creche and one from nursery who we still keep I touch with and DC is 18 now.

Get DH to come from work early for an afternoon delight too, that'll perk you up 😉

Ps we don’t have help from family or friends either, and I think that makes it a lot harder. Don’t beat yourself up. It’s so so hard without support and to literally never get a break. I have several friends with young-ish parents who help a lot; babysitting, sorting out meals/washing, taking the DC for sleepovers or on days out. I it so hard to never have that, however I’ve tried to reframe it for us by thinking ‘how strong are we that we’re managing to raise a lovely child plus work plus no help plus not much spare cash’, basically a mantra to keep us going 🤣🤣

Yes I used sitters a lot when I was in the uk.

“On paper he’s a lovely kid with (if I do say so myself) fantastic manners and he’s very very caring and empathetic towards others. Just a shame he’s such a shit at home 😂”
I’m retired now, but in my job I taught hundreds of young children. At parents’ evenings I would describe a child in glowing terms to a couple who would stare in disbelief and ask if I was actually describing the right child to them. The child apparently was lovely and compliant at school but he’ll broke loose at home. I would tell them this, that the difference isn’t me being ‘better’ at dealing with their child than them, the difference is the relationship and setting. At home they feel so loved and secure that they can blow up and vent to parents in ways that can’t happen at school, they know they are unconditionally loved by mum and dad and are comfortable being themselves, showing the ‘warts and all’ side of them, knowing they are loved. Are adults the same at home as they are at work? In public? We might rant and vent at home in a way we’d never do at work. We might (God forbid 😂😂) burp and fart at home, feel relaxed and comfortable enough to just ‘be’ rather than conform to outside standards. Kids kicking off at home can be just that, getting stuff out of their system where they feel ‘safe’ to show all sides of themselves. Easier to be the teacher than parent any day and teaching is hard. I’ve done both now and know which kids were easier to deal with. 😂X

Sorry I mean sitters.co.uk, you asked if anyone had used it.

I agree it's a bit of a leap of faith getting a stranger but you can see their clearances, read their reviews, ask for references if it would make you more comfortable.

We don't really have an equivalent site in the USA (there are some that try but nothing as good) so I now use care.com to advertise a job posting for a regular babysitter, then I interview a few people, try a couple, then I have one or two people who know us and the kids know and I just use every time until they stop being available.

I have had the occasional strange experience (got ghosted by someone I had used a lot) but nothing I was ever concerned about from a safeguarding perspective. The second person I hired that way was absolutely wonderful, we moved city but we used her for date nights when we went back to visit.

I am wondering why a nursery staff can be not allowed to babysit.

With all my love to our son, I used to work 8:30 till 17:00.

I could get to his nursery by 17:20-17;30 but I wouldn't do it. Instead, I would go there by 1750-17;55 and he was one of the last ones to be picked up by 18;00 at the latest.

I was having a lovely cup of tea and reading a bit of newspaper. Only good, happy, and positive news:)

@Successgirl2022 in our case it’s the nursery’s policy. Who knows, maybe they’ve had a bad experience or a member of staff stopped working in the nursery to just do babysitting, so perhaps they felt they train staff but can’t retain them as they go off to work for families privately? Don’t know, just some guesses. Of course we could do it in secret but I’d not do that; imagine my DD saying on a Monday “x nursery worker was in my house on Saturday” 🤣🤣

Does he have many/any physical outlets? My youngest daughter was a nightmare toddler (honestly I was on my knees with her), but she really benefited from lots of exercise. She's 25 now and amazing, but I remember saying to my husband that we needed to treat her like a dog - lots of exercise, affection and discipline. My husband, who's very sporty, was great and took over that side of things. It really helped us. She got really into her sport and excelled in a couple.

This too shall pass!

Why aren't your family or friends involved? It doesn't have to be babysitting but them spending quality time with your little boy would take some of the pressure off. Other people can fuss over your little one and you and husband will get a chance to chat.

I’m sorry OP, sounds exhausting, the early mornings and night waking is one of the reason we won’t have any more DC. Our DD also never napped and was up every 1.5 hours for a feed. However, we were very lucky that once our DD was fully weaned from breastfeeding at 12 months old, she has been a brilliant sleeper.

A couple of things stood out for me in your post and I’m making these suggestions from my own experience, even now and our DD is 8. You say your DS doesn’t act up for other people but does when he gets home even though he has plenty of stimulation. I noticed someone else has said that’s because he trusts you and he feels safe with you which is so true. Have you also thought about whether you are over stimulating him at home? We have always made sure our DD has quiet time an hour leading up to her bed, if we don’t get that in, she doesn’t settle as quickly.

Secondly, and this will contradict a few posters, but are you maybe putting him to bed too late and when you eventual do, he is overtired? You say he’s raging and you struggle to keep him awake after a certain time but it seems maybe you keep him up to a bed time that you think is reasonable. If our DD is overtired when she goes to bed, she ALWAYS wakes up early, and much earlier than her usual waking. Whereas if we take her to bed at what some people would probably think is too early, she will easily get a full 10 hours in, if not more. This has always been the same. From around 12 months to 3 we put her to bed around 18:30 and she would sleep on average for around 13-14 hours a night. We’ve obviously gradually increased her bedtime as she needs less sleep hence the 10 hours but the fundamentals remain the same.

I see, thank you for explaining why it could be the case.

Have you tried a Gro Clock? He’s at a good age to try one since he will be able to understand the concept. Worked brilliantly for our non sleeper.