Leaving alcoholic DH - pls help

[Onestressedmama]

I feel awkward posting as not used to this site but wanted advice from those in similar situations.
It is a long story, but my partner of over 16 years has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for many years. Used to work hard, play hard and it was more little lies about being in the office when he was out. However no drinking during the day, on own etc. The past 5 years since having children this has escalated. He isn’t drinking every day but is very much a binge drinker and I cannot tell you how many occasions he will be blind drunk. He has lost a job through it (fighting on evening out), been in front of children drunk when they were young and sole care of them, drink driving, fights, falling over etc - often something big will happen. He has had a couple of stints of long sobriety (1 year recently). However it is just escalating. His manner after drink too - seems to get blind drunk and easily.

I then suffer the gas lighting and arguments when he is clearly wanting drunk but not saying and then being irritable. In the past he has been pretty toxic emotionally and physically (although I think I did not help situations with going at him at times when it was not good - and recently he very much avoids me).

I feel like after trying for 5 years now is the time to break away. However I have been with him since I was 19. When he had the sober year, we get on well and I do love him (and must do given stuff he’s put me through). I feel like I’m living some two sided life. Outwardly we have beautiful children, uni sweethearts, great jobs, big house but then there’s this demon that won’t go away.

He can be very selfish and lazy. But overall is a very loving and lovely father. We have managed to keep much of the issues away from the children (albeit they will pick up on tension and arguments). However this week they witnessed him drunk and falling in the street and the puzzled look on their faces broke my heart.

I fear if I leave what will I do to him. What will I do to the children breaking up the family. But if I stay, I’m just sticking around for this to get worse and exposing my children to damage. They are at an age where I could potentially get away with separating with less damage but another year when they are 5/6 and so on would be awful.

Financially it isn’t great as we just moved to a big new house. Part of my denial I think and trying to make it work (but also a decision during a year of sobriety). However I have a job and decent salary and so does he for now(!) so I think I could make it worse and people in worse situations have so shouldn’t be a main factor.

I feel like I’ve known what I should do for years. I just don’t know how to. Also a big fear is if I do not change this situation how can he ever change. He will just carry on as I’m always his safety net.

it’s sad though. I didn’t have a father. I very much never wanted to be a single parent (no stigma I guess that’s just something I wanted to avoid as I had it growing up) and wanted a stable and reliable husband and father to my children. For most of our relationship that’s what he was. I don’t know how it has come to this and feel my life is getting out of my control for no fault of my own.

I should add he’s been speaking to a therapist weekly for nearly 1.5 years. He’s shown interest in getting better and has tried. It just hasn’t worked. He’s not beyond help. I just don’t think I can wait around any more and risk the life for the children.

sorry for long post. Any advice much appreciated and thanks for the understanding.

The biggest, most catastrophic mistake you could ever make in your entire life is to raise your children around an alcoholic parent. The damage this will do to them will be lifelong.

Fuck the house, in the grand scheme of things it just doesn't matter. Your children's welfare must come first, and you can't do anything to fix your partner.

Sorry I haven't got time to write a long message but i think you are absolutely doing the right thing leaving. Alcoholics are impossible to live with in the long term. You only have one life. Best of luck @Onestressedmama

Please leave I left my first husband alcoholic and couldn’t stand it any more the relief of no more worrying about him was fantastic, this is no way to live living from one bender to the next. It is hell on earth, please get help and get out hugs.

Thank you 😣 and I know the material stuff doesn’t matter - just mean my money is tied up if that makes sense!! However the financials are ok that’s not a point stopping me. I will figure that out. im so bloody stressed. I am only 5 months into new job which is high pressure, long hours and honestly don’t know how I’m functioning. It’s so sad. I guess another point for me was that the night before and night of our children’s first day in reception he got wasted. We were all supposed to go for meal which he suggested then next thing I know I smell booze. It’s a small point but feel like how could he. Feel like robbing me of precious moments where I should be absolutely blessed I have healthy and gorgeous children on their first day of school and instead it’s drama and anxiety with him. It’s also hurting me as I’m not even an anxious person!! Very robust and had a pretty tough upbringing - but feeling a shadow of myself (have put on weight, don’t like myself etc - you know typical no self care as new mother but this has gone on years as I’m always dealing with DH drama).

Definitely get out the more I read especially about smelling on breath getting wasted (dreadful memories) get out.

Get your ducks in a row and speak to a solicitor. Tell him, you have spoken to a solicitor, make moves to separate. He has to believe you mean business.
If he makes noises that he is willing to do anything to prevent a split., make part of the conditions that he actually has to move out and seek proper treatment.
Do you know what triggered the stopping for a year? Was it losing his job?
I think for your own and your DC's sake, you should live separately initially, and if you ever were to work your way back together it should be after he's proved himself sober for a long time and shows proof that he has made lasting changes and is in AA or some other continuing therapy.
Don't go down the empty threat route.
If he doesn't change after splitting, you'll know he was never going to no matter what. I split with my sons Dad when DS was 3, ExP died when he was 13, so be prepared that sometimes there's no helping someone.

Thank you. I think it was drunk driving during the day! Some big event but there’s been other events that haven’t stopped him this time.
oh no I know I shouldn’t factor it in but also worry if I leave he will continue and die!! Also worry if I stay I facitiliate it and then he could die. Heavy stuff. Would be appalling for me - but then I think if that happened would ruin childrens’ lives. Seems like no good option 😣🥹
Atm I’m trying to focus on finding somewhere to move to than jump to divorce. That’s not because I’m deluded and think that I move out and there’s a way back. Im just trying not to overload myself. And tbh the law stuff I can probs work out for myself initially.

Ps I want to move out. I feel trapped and lack of control and if I’m in house we both own and he pays majority of / I can’t afford on own he will just try to worm or pressure way back. Also this way least he has roof over his head as he’s weaker and just won’t find a rental etc. I feel like I want to be liberated and on own two feet (past couple of years he always makes comments about how I’m bit useless, don’t contribute etc - despite fact I’m a professional and earn a lot by average standards which again doesn’t matter but shows how he tries to use power / get to my self worth)

I have the experience of being the child in this situation, and pretty much every day of my life I look back and wish my mum had the courage to step up and get me out of the toxic environment we were living in with my alcoholic father.

Many of the things you mentioned were exact same and it all escalated - small white lies, disappearing, smelling alcohol and inexplicably being under the influence more than he should - through to the point of drink driving, losing complete consciousness in front of us and going to work drunk. There is so many more horrible things he did and thats before even getting into the many, many arguments and violence I witnessed and overheard.

My mum finally left him after 25 years of marriage and I had grew up and left the home, mostly through my encouragement. It is such a hard step to take and its understandable why you do not want to upset your children and disrupt their "perfect" lives. It will be hard for them, but it will be much harder staying in that environment.

I now unfortunately have no relationship with my father and have a difficult one with my mum - with the main issue lying with the fact I struggle that she continued to allow me to live in that horrible environment when she should have been protecting me.

You are 100% doing the right thing. The only damage your child will encounter is being around him. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

I was in this position 18 months ago. Life on the other side of leaving an alcoholic is more freeing and wonderful than I ever dared imagine.

You will be ok. Get out, surround yourself in emotional and practical support, and move on with your life. It will be ok. Feel free to PM me, I really do get it x

Thank you. I’m still on that decision but I feel it’s tougher than the route I’ve been going of carrying on and survival as this is obvs a massive change.
While I know that it will be less stressful moving on without the worry of what’s happening in the house. How do you cope with losing your best friend? Or I fear I will just continue worrying but from a different home.
going to contact the letting agent today and put offer on house I’ve seen (but annoyingly it’s not ‘live’ as tenants - who weirdly I found out I know and have put a good word in for me - move out).

another complicating factor, I’m due to go on holiday next week with DC and H. The overriding guilt I have means I am taking the children on that holiday. But then I likely have to be with H. So I want to make decision and have it lined up so I don’t falter. H can be pretty determined at times so while I worry about the risk of him getting up to no good abroad and the drama that would bring, I think it’s more likely I’ll get the good guy and charm offensive. He can do sober stints (have read previous posts where H can’t go a day or week - not that here. He can go weeks, a month, 4 months but always back to square one and when back it escalates more than the last binge. Although atm he’s struggling to get past a week cycle). I also know when he is doing it so I’m not in denial that he’s sober when actually drinking. I can tell after about two drinks, in fact I can tell when he doesn’t even know he’s going to end up drinking. And once he starts he can’t stop so it’s either dry or mortal for the most part.
rhanks so much. Don’t usually post on forums so finding this a great help. Also finding having issue getting advice from those who know. I’ve been very open to a small group. However I’m a bit of a force of nature (aside from this bloody situation where I’m soft as anything) and people just won’t give me advice. I think they also feel sorry for H or have seen how long we’ve been together. That’s another reason I fear for myself as I have the character of NEVER quit and can take a lot. I know that’s fine thinking that but one day I may just snap. Also H has the terrible - he’s always right, smartest in room, alpha, arrogant trait which I also think is hindering his recovery. He always talks himself into a different position and convinces that all will be ok
he also thinks we will never ever split up.

Agree with all of this!
20 months for me, DC was 5 & is so much happier now.
You've got this OP 💐x

Im in your position @Onestressedmama but mines a daily drinker (evenings/weekends). Its hard isnt it. Ive been keeping a log of times ive been upset so i know, when ive split up with him, if i have a wobble, i can read back through them. My kids are a little older than yours. Im hoping to sit down with him this weekend for “the talk” it’s difficult to fit it in around when hes had a drink though sadly 🙄

i think it might be best to wait until after holiday to tell him. Might make things easier and take the pressure off

Do you want to spend your whole life being his crutch ?
Free yourself and show your children what a normal life is like.

Have you spoken to anyone at Al Anon ? al-anon.org
Always remember you didn’t cause this, you can’t fix this. It is not your responsibility.

i have been in your situation. it’s very difficult. But it’s not your problem it is his and you have to hand him that responsibility. You cannot tell him what to do but you can say I am not prepared to live like this. Al anon is helpful (although i never actually went to a meeting as I had young children and couldn’t leave them)also a website called sober recovery has a section for loved ones and family of alcoholics.
It made me realise that I really did not cause it, couldn’t control it and it was down to him to cure it, not me! i stayed with him a long time, much longer than I should have, but I felt that it was
down to me to cure him! I am a rescuer by nature and so felt that was my role. only when i eventually got him to leave (which was not easy as you can imagine) did he eventually mKe changes to his life.

the main thing for you is to create the boundaries for you and the DCs. They need to be protected. He honestly won’t change until he decides it’s the time, so you have to think of what is right for you and DCs. It’s harsh but if he decides to keep on drinking then it’s not your fault. you don’t make that decision. he does. good luck. please get some support and change your situation.

@Onestressedmama

Sorry to hear of your situation but don’t jump into any rash decisions based on all the mn comments and throw away everything without first trying to support him on his recovery as he is at the moment a functioning alcoholic but will not be ready to accept it and I am speaking from experience.

However this is very serious with young children and will only get worse before it gets better, he obviously has some underlying reason behind this self destructive behaviour.

I am a recovering alcoholic and compulsive gambler and lost my family and 2dc two years ago so have lots of experience and knowledge.

I don’t want to divulge too much on here but happy to help if you want to inbox me.

@Andypandy799 why do you want to leave DC in a situation where things will get worse before they get better? OP needs to put herself and the DC first, the addict last. If you are an addict in recovery, you ought to know this.

OP, you need to leave. While you are with him, there are no consequences for his behaviour and he has no incentive to change. It's only when he starts losing things he values that he may see he has a problem and deal with it. And you say yourself that your DC are starting to notice. I used to be you, only my DDs were older - they are now adults and are both severely affected. My youngest has PTSD because of her late father's behaviour. Don't let it come to that.

If he finds recovery, you may be able to rebuild the relationship - but that has to be a matter of years sober, not just a few weeks or months and in the interim you need to rebuild your own life. Please contact Al-Anon or Smart Friends and Family for support.

Thank you all. I’ve pressed ahead with the letting application. I’m so scared.
I have tried everything and for years. Probably around 5 years now. How much longer do you hang on.
he seems in denial and acting as normal / annoyed I’m not talking or acting like normal. Trying not to engage until I have everything lined up with property and also get this stupid holiday out of the way.
is it enough that there’s a risk to kids even tho he hasn’t done much in front of them and not every day? It it enough that he’s not great for me too? God I wish it was totally black and white but also losing track of what’s normal / acceptable.
i haven’t tried AA or any counselling etc tbh as I haven’t had energy or time when he’s off on one as busy picking up pieces. Also nervous about it!
@Jules198 so sorry to hear anyone else is in this situation. I read back notes to myself of all the awful stuff that was said and done years back when my babies were young. 2018! It’s mad to think similar situation. Did your husband build to the daily? My husband admits issue goes days or weeks or sometimes months but then back to it. Probs a few days or week then off again. Sometimes makes it harder with the sober periods as then feel like oh everything back to normal.

@Onestressedmama the fact that you have children is enough. No child should have to grow up with an alcoholic for a parent. By acting now, you are sparing them years of incredible stress and anxiety. You are reducing their risk of becoming dependent on alcohol themselves. You are doing the absolute best thing for them - and for you. I know the doubt and the guilt are enormous, I've been there too, but take it from one survivor to another: you are doing the right thing.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk outside of this thread and if you feel it will help you hold firm.

@Aquamarine1029 l completely agree. It’s not good for the children or OP. He needs to go. I am the child of an alcoholic and it’s really not good for children. He needs to sort himself out

The house is fairly academic unless it’s 100% paid for. As it sounds like his high functioning alcoholism is crashing into just alcoholism. That will majorly affect his ability to hold down a job

@Andypandy799 l don’t think after 5 years of this behaviour would be her being rash. He’s done some very dangerous and irresponsible things

Yes - it is enough if a danger for your kids. As I said before - I have been the kid in this situation and I am telling you categorically, as much as you think they are not impacted by this, they are. They will see, sense and know so much more than you realise and it will define them if you don't stop it.

I don’t have much advice on this, but I do know it’s so hard leaving when you’re so conflicted, when you still love the person. But it is the right decision, your children (and you) will be happier for it in the long run. When I left my ex I left too, and rented somewhere. I felt sick when I was sorting it all out. I felt so guilty, this wasn’t due to alcohol, was due to a breakdown in step child relationship and I couldn’t go on living like that. Wishing you lots of luck. Re the holiday be careful, if you think he might blow up then don’t go. Plenty more holiday for you and the kids

Gosh it’s a resounding answer isn’t it. It is so hard when conflicted as like you say I otherwise love and Get on with him. Obvs after 17 years it’s not perfect but it’s there. And the sober year was soooo much better. Feels like a rubbish thing either way. Yeah understand re holiday but tbh he doesn’t blow up etc - more goes off and makes a tit of himself. Have to be realistic may happen. The guilt of the upheaval - just want to give them a nice holiday and don’t want to tell them they aren’t going a matter of days before we are due. And I know as a single parent it may be hard to get away for a while. I feel sick. I know what I need to do - but can’t imagine it. My H trying to call, ask me what want for food - the usual domestics stuff and I’m not even enjoying distancing and cold shoulder.