Leaving alcoholic DH - pls help

[Onestressedmama]

I feel awkward posting as not used to this site but wanted advice from those in similar situations.
It is a long story, but my partner of over 16 years has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for many years. Used to work hard, play hard and it was more little lies about being in the office when he was out. However no drinking during the day, on own etc. The past 5 years since having children this has escalated. He isn’t drinking every day but is very much a binge drinker and I cannot tell you how many occasions he will be blind drunk. He has lost a job through it (fighting on evening out), been in front of children drunk when they were young and sole care of them, drink driving, fights, falling over etc - often something big will happen. He has had a couple of stints of long sobriety (1 year recently). However it is just escalating. His manner after drink too - seems to get blind drunk and easily.

I then suffer the gas lighting and arguments when he is clearly wanting drunk but not saying and then being irritable. In the past he has been pretty toxic emotionally and physically (although I think I did not help situations with going at him at times when it was not good - and recently he very much avoids me).

I feel like after trying for 5 years now is the time to break away. However I have been with him since I was 19. When he had the sober year, we get on well and I do love him (and must do given stuff he’s put me through). I feel like I’m living some two sided life. Outwardly we have beautiful children, uni sweethearts, great jobs, big house but then there’s this demon that won’t go away.

He can be very selfish and lazy. But overall is a very loving and lovely father. We have managed to keep much of the issues away from the children (albeit they will pick up on tension and arguments). However this week they witnessed him drunk and falling in the street and the puzzled look on their faces broke my heart.

I fear if I leave what will I do to him. What will I do to the children breaking up the family. But if I stay, I’m just sticking around for this to get worse and exposing my children to damage. They are at an age where I could potentially get away with separating with less damage but another year when they are 5/6 and so on would be awful.

Financially it isn’t great as we just moved to a big new house. Part of my denial I think and trying to make it work (but also a decision during a year of sobriety). However I have a job and decent salary and so does he for now(!) so I think I could make it worse and people in worse situations have so shouldn’t be a main factor.

I feel like I’ve known what I should do for years. I just don’t know how to. Also a big fear is if I do not change this situation how can he ever change. He will just carry on as I’m always his safety net.

it’s sad though. I didn’t have a father. I very much never wanted to be a single parent (no stigma I guess that’s just something I wanted to avoid as I had it growing up) and wanted a stable and reliable husband and father to my children. For most of our relationship that’s what he was. I don’t know how it has come to this and feel my life is getting out of my control for no fault of my own.

I should add he’s been speaking to a therapist weekly for nearly 1.5 years. He’s shown interest in getting better and has tried. It just hasn’t worked. He’s not beyond help. I just don’t think I can wait around any more and risk the life for the children.

sorry for long post. Any advice much appreciated and thanks for the understanding.

@pointythings has lots of wise words about partners of alcoholics

This is obviously tearing you apart but you are doing the right thing.

Alcoholism is a progressive illness. He might be able to manage 'time off' now but he won't be able to soon. You've already said the days off cycle seems to be shorter now and this would be totally normal as the disease takes hold until eventually he's a top up drinker: 24/7 and never sober but needs a certain level of alcohol in his body just to function.

He's definitely drinking more than you know - we all do. We are devious, manipulative, selfish and completely blind to the damage we do. He is stealing your peace of mind and the impact and damage WILL get worse and it WILL get harder to hide.

I got sober 8 years ago thanks to AA and echo everyone else recommending Al Anon for families of alcoholics.

I feel so shit. He’s through trying to get me to tell me we are OK and crying more than I’ve seen in 17 years. My god watching a grown person like this is horrific. Says he will just go away, should be away from us all. Won’t want to see kids due to shame etc. errghhhhhhhhh. He’s due to start job and using that as point. He genuinely is feeling these things I can tell but I know ultimately none of it matters. Apparently he then doesn’t want to stay in our married home, or area. Would say we should divorce, can’t be friends (as too much love) or whatever. Defs not going to be easy. Also saying how always feels v depressed. It’s too much on my shoulders 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 the guilt

Ps no he’s defs drinking when I think he is. He’s a binger - his issue is he starts he doesn’t stop. Years back he did more of the hiding booze around which has stopped so he improved in some ways. What I’m reading is it’s never the same for any one person with booze problem. The traits and lying etc are true but the patterns not so much. Still agree with the deceit! And that’s what damages the marriage isn’t it. No trust! And I’m otherwise not jealous and v trusting. (No jealousy issues for either of us etc)

I truly feel he could get better! Is not beyond hope. But too late for me and kids to wait around. I also fear that once we go that willl make matters worse but as I understand it the focus needs to be on the innocent. And look I’ve been around and supportive and still gone to sh*t so maybe I’m giving myself too much credit for actually mattering

The disease boggles my mind. He’s more upset at the thought and shame of splitting - but happily gets hit in face, rolls around in street, thrown out of local etc.

@Onestressedmama please do not be deceived. The weeping, wailing, guilt-tripping and self-castigation are part of the alcoholic's arsenal of manipulation. The moment you tell him that yes, he can stay, you'll try again, it will all go away. Take it from one who has been there, done that and seen it all. Mine told me he was suicidal. So I shipped him off to the US base hospital (he was a citizen and ex AAF) and handed him over to them to deal with. They sent him to another rehab for a 2 week detox, which achieved precisely nothing for any of us but did give me and DDs 2 weeks of peace.

Do. Not. Fall. For. It.

Of course it won’t be easy. And Yes of course you will feel guilty.

You are used to putting his needs and wishes ahead of those of yourself and your children. He has trained you well and It’s a hard habit to break.

But now you are putting your children first . it’s a decision of the will, a choice you make.

They are vulnerable children and he’s an adult with a job, money, friends and family. His drinking has forced you to make a choice - them or him.

You need to separate out these two things - what your head tells you is the right thing to do and your feelings.

It will help you sort out your head if you go to al anon and meet others who have been in your situation.

And join an Online support group.

And read the accounts from adult children of alcoholics.

And see all these threats about

“ I’ll move away and never see the children [ and it will be all your fault] “

You need to see them as threats and manipulations . They may or may not be how he feels but he’s saying them for one reason and one reason only - to get you to do what he wants.

So stop feeling sorry for him and understand what he’s doing. Addicts are the best actors, liars and manipulators in the world.

As the daughter of 2 a alcoholic parents, I can’t tell you how important it is to get your children out of this situation.

My sister unfortunately died young as age had too many mh issues & was also an alcoholic - it’s all she knew. I faired better but I have so much resentment about my childhood & seeing things I shouldn’t have seen. My Mum eventually got sober but the eyes of little kids can’t I see things.

Your children have a wonderful Mummy (& sadly a wonderful Daddy too, somewhere within him) so if dealt with now while they’re young, they’ll likely come out relatively unscathed.

i do have a lot of sympathy for alcoholics, it’s a terrible addiction & something/reason always causes it imo. BUT…nobody can help them bar themselves.

*eyes of little kids can’t unsee things!

I posted about something similar a while ago and someone responded saying;
you didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
Just remembering that has given me so much peace as I’ve exhausted myself trying to do just that.

OP you can get a long way on hope, but it sounds like you' ve reached that point now where you need to focus on just you and your children. l would be inclined to say that his behaviour concerning alcohol is having a very negative effect on your relationship and therefore best for everyone involved to seperate, and then follow through. He has to save himself, you can't do it for him. The stress and toll its taking on you and your children is too heavy a load to carry, he will take you down with him.
This might give him the incentive to finally comitt to stop drinking. But if you carry on as you are now he will go from a functioning alcoholic to a non functioning one and that senario will be nothing short of catastrophic for everyone concerned.
Each and every one of us is responsible for ourselves, look at it as though you are enabling his behaviour by doing nothing.

Don't fall into the trap of feeling guilty and don't listen to his attempts at emotional blackmail. None of this is on you. You are only responsible for ensuring your children's happiness and safety. He is a grown man and can sort himself out, or choose not to. Leave him and don't look back.

My late dp was an alcoholic, I regret the time ds was forced to live with him & the things he saw. Get yourself & your dc away, he will never change unless he wants to. You didn't make him an alcoholic, it isn't your fault. He will lie, cheat & steal to feed his addiction, drink comes before you & your dc.

The stress and toll its taking on you and your children is too heavy a load to carry, he will take you down with him.

This. A thousand times this. On the day I gave my late husband his ultimatum, the first and only, the one I followed through, he told me tearfully 'but I haven't reached my rock bottom yet'. So I said to him 'Do you want to drag me and your daughters down there with you?'

It was the first time I really saw through him.

Stay strong OP. Of course he will cry, beg, promise. But that doesn't change the situation.

An addict's primary relationship is with their poison. Not you. Not the kids.

of course this is hard. But as someone who stood where you are only 18 months ago. I PROMISE leaving an alcoholic isn't anywhere near as hard as living with one.

thjs is the pointy bit right now. You've almost done the hardest bit. Hang in there. X

7 am and I’m working and feel like someone has died! Is this the grieving for relationship? I was a billion times worse than if he’s had a drink and I just get on with it. Not sure I’m at the part where staying is easier than leaving but I guess that’s what I want to avoid isn’t it for the kids - that we aren’t in the position where it’s advanced to horrendous misery. I could if he let me have a nice relationship with him now. Later not so much. But then that makes this point harder! I almost wish he was going ‘f it im carrying on drinking’. The holiday is not at a good time either. I cannot go and not let him come. I also don’t want to let the children down knowing how much they loved it last year (we went to same places). They’ve only been abroad once so not like we’ve just recently been and no big deal. I know other things take priority - I’m not saying it’s putting me off the plan. I’m just saying on top of the stuff I’m dealing with this is very much making me even more anxious and sad. The children are going to grandparents today. I feel like I e been hit by a truck (separately it’s been intense week at work) but going to see if I can call the AA families line. Also I put an application in on a rental so may hear from that (which will make me sick either way if get or don’t). X

Stay strong. You can do this. It won't be easy - it will 100% be worth it.

Mine want an alcoholic but when I left it was the end of a long long road and on the face of it I guess I could have carried on longer. The guilt at leaving was terrible at first and I was so so sad for never having got the marriage I’d expected. As the song says: I didn’t miss him, I only missed the man I wanted him to be.

However I’m a rational person and I’d never have gone as far as telling him I wanted to split if I didn’t really think that was best. So I pliers on, through his tears, through the guilt, through the upset of uprooting our daughter, the house sake, the divorce and out the other side. Once I reached the other side I could breathe and see clearly again and was 100% sure I’d made the right choice.

its going to be HARD and you’ll feel doubt and guilt and a deep deep grief at losing something that you never really had in the first place. However you wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t right, trust yourself and keep going. It’s brighter on the other side!!

If you were to read that amount of bollocks on a tinder profile - would your immediate thought be “awww, he sounds like a great dad and it’s important to have a 2-parent family”.

Oh love, your posts are heart-wrenching. You are in a sliding-doors life, where you are uncontrollably flipped between being able to see how things could improve and be better, but then on the reverse side how much worse things could get and ARE getting. Aside from being a drunk, he is abusive - gaslighting you, running you down with derisive comments, leaving all the responsibility and worry on you.

The promise to be with someone in sickness and in health, certainly does NOT bind you to stay when the other person won’t get take the steps to control their sickness, and when it puts your children at risk. He has broken the marriage contract already, and you have already hung on for a very long time. There is no shame or guilt attached to your leaving. In the long run, your kids will be better off seeing their dad sober sometimes, than drunk more and more often.

That sick feeling is from the stress, and it will pass eventually, once the decisions are taken. Your dh sounds like a domineering bully The holiday will be tough but focus on the kids every day, encourage your DH to put them front and centre too. Do not feel guilty or conflicted about “faking it” for the kids’ sake one more week - it isn’t being dishonest.

If you leave now, before you are at rock bottom and he has destroyed your self esteem and while your kids are mostly unaffected, then you ALL stand the best chance of seeing this awful situation turn into something that you can all bear in the long run.

You will need to consider, if your dh is likely to turn to drink, what you will do about supervised contact. It would be a bad idea to let him have the kids overnight, or drive them around, if there is a chance he has been drinking a lot. So this needs to be given some thought.

Also before you sign a rent contract, consider if he is likely to walk away as he is threatening - are you named on the mortgage? You maybe better off staying in the house if he is genuinely likely to leave.

Alcoholism is so, so awful. Wreaks havoc on families, wrecks marriages, damages children. Choosing to separate and put you and your children first is the best, bravest thing you could do.

Your DH is the alcoholic. It’s on him to recover, if he’s got it in him. There is absolutely nothing you can do or say that can help him. I’d be very dubious of the therapy, too. I’ve never known therapy to solve alcoholism. Therapy when you’re actively drinking is a waste of everyone’s time and money, in my opinion. He needs to get sober before he starts to unpick why he is doing this to himself and his life.

Dont doubt yourself. You are choosing sanity, peace and good boundaries over the madness, chaos and pain of life with an alcoholic husband/father. It’s 100% the right choice.

I say all this as a recovered alcoholic. ❤️

Leave please don’t look back it’s mentally exhausting looking after them I’m leaving 2nd husband no not drink other reason just as mentally tiring and can’t wait. Your sanity is at stake here and no I’m not joking.

@Onestressedmama I know this is an old post, but I am going through the same thing with my husband. How are you now?

He has been like it for years, with it getting worse. We have three kids (9, 11 and 16) who all hate him drinking.
I need us to get out but I don’t know how I’ll financially survive and don’t know where to go.
He can be a really nasty piece of work and I don’t want to bring them trouble to my family’s door. It will make things 100 times worse. If I did go to my parents, they are literally across the road, we park on their drive, so it wouldn’t give us the space that would be needed.
Today he actually picked up the children drunk from school, he took them to the pub, I picked them up from him as I left work and he stayed in the pub. Dreading him coming home.
I just don’t know what to do.

Start a new thread, you'll get more responses. But you know you MUST get your children away from him.

I was in a similar situation -my parents lived nearby and so I couldn't go there, as I knew he'd just cause trouble for all of us. You absolutely need to leave though. Phone the police and tell them he drove the children whilst drunk. He will still be drunk now and hopefully they will pick him up on the way home.

Then you need an injunction to keep him well away from the house. He has put your children in serious physical danger and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near them.