I feel awkward posting as not used to this site but wanted advice from those in similar situations.
It is a long story, but my partner of over 16 years has had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol for many years. Used to work hard, play hard and it was more little lies about being in the office when he was out. However no drinking during the day, on own etc. The past 5 years since having children this has escalated. He isn’t drinking every day but is very much a binge drinker and I cannot tell you how many occasions he will be blind drunk. He has lost a job through it (fighting on evening out), been in front of children drunk when they were young and sole care of them, drink driving, fights, falling over etc - often something big will happen. He has had a couple of stints of long sobriety (1 year recently). However it is just escalating. His manner after drink too - seems to get blind drunk and easily.
I then suffer the gas lighting and arguments when he is clearly wanting drunk but not saying and then being irritable. In the past he has been pretty toxic emotionally and physically (although I think I did not help situations with going at him at times when it was not good - and recently he very much avoids me).
I feel like after trying for 5 years now is the time to break away. However I have been with him since I was 19. When he had the sober year, we get on well and I do love him (and must do given stuff he’s put me through). I feel like I’m living some two sided life. Outwardly we have beautiful children, uni sweethearts, great jobs, big house but then there’s this demon that won’t go away.
He can be very selfish and lazy. But overall is a very loving and lovely father. We have managed to keep much of the issues away from the children (albeit they will pick up on tension and arguments). However this week they witnessed him drunk and falling in the street and the puzzled look on their faces broke my heart.
I fear if I leave what will I do to him. What will I do to the children breaking up the family. But if I stay, I’m just sticking around for this to get worse and exposing my children to damage. They are at an age where I could potentially get away with separating with less damage but another year when they are 5/6 and so on would be awful.
Financially it isn’t great as we just moved to a big new house. Part of my denial I think and trying to make it work (but also a decision during a year of sobriety). However I have a job and decent salary and so does he for now(!) so I think I could make it worse and people in worse situations have so shouldn’t be a main factor.
I feel like I’ve known what I should do for years. I just don’t know how to. Also a big fear is if I do not change this situation how can he ever change. He will just carry on as I’m always his safety net.
it’s sad though. I didn’t have a father. I very much never wanted to be a single parent (no stigma I guess that’s just something I wanted to avoid as I had it growing up) and wanted a stable and reliable husband and father to my children. For most of our relationship that’s what he was. I don’t know how it has come to this and feel my life is getting out of my control for no fault of my own.
I should add he’s been speaking to a therapist weekly for nearly 1.5 years. He’s shown interest in getting better and has tried. It just hasn’t worked. He’s not beyond help. I just don’t think I can wait around any more and risk the life for the children.
sorry for long post. Any advice much appreciated and thanks for the understanding.