Single mother by choice - Reality check

[Freshstart111]

Can anyone please give me any books or Podcasts regarding the journey of being a single mother by choice?

I am a 35/F who earns over 200k per annum
I am emotionally healthy, kind and loving
Stable and emotionally available
great friends and colleagues

For the life of me - I have tried OLD, speed dating and a dating agency. I cannot find a suitable partner, not even remotely so. I am not ‘too picky’, I do not have a ‘bad picker’ - I have just been exceptionally unlucky with who I have encountered. Men have openly admitted to me they are uncomfortable with my success, even worse that I grew up in a council estate. It seems I repulse them. I have had one engagement and a live in partner - as I became more successful in my career; the worse my love life became. I can barely get a second date now and if anything I look after myself more now and have done so much work on myself that I am unrecognisable from a couple of years ago.

Two years ago after the worse encounter of them all on OLD I foresaw the reality. The dating pool is horrific and there is a very real chance I may never meet someone. I attended for AMH and ovarian reserve and all OK.

After two years of continuing to try and meet someone I hold my hands up and say I am undateable. No man wants anything to do with a woman like me and thats fine - whether its personality, looks, success - who knows the reason but theres no point really on focusing on it now. I have grieved it, gone through the stages and now in acceptance.

Does anyone know anyone on here I can speak to who has gone through this journey personally? Also any Podcasts or books would be great.

The advantage that you have compared to others is that your income should be sufficient to allow you to outsource a lot and hire help.

I agree - I know how lucky I am

I don't know if you are undateable but I agree that if time is of the essence, this is a very real option for you.

The only thing I would say is that I am a single parent with no father involved (widow) and I find it very emotionally draining. I think you can buy in the help with cleaning and even a housekeeper, childcare, if you are wealthy, but the feeling of being alone when your children have problems is very difficult. I have some close family but ultimately you are your child's carer, not them. That's one thing to think about- where would you get your emotional support, and how would you feel say if your child had big problems, disabilities, psychiatric issues or anything that can befall you, as I think that's when a lot of single parents struggle even further, not so much in the easier times when you are jogging along enjoying time with your children.

That doesn't mean don't do it, just something to think through, I struggle a lot being a single parent, I don't know why, perhaps as I've parented with two parents before and it just is an awful lot easier (not with a rubbish dad though).

Strongly agree with HilarityEnsues. I'm sure you'll be fine practically, as you can pay for help, but I'd almost suggest living with a family member or good friend/other single mum, for emotional support.

I also struggle with this.

I'm a single parent by choice. There are a few ways to find out more and think about your decision - there are a number of SMBC groups on Facebook (including UK based ones). The Donor Conception Network run workshops for people thinking about being a solo parent, and offer loads of support for people with donor conceived children. I strongly recommend them - while the advice and information on facebook groups can be variable, the DCN information and support is all thoroughly thought out and evidence based.

Go ahead and make your baby, if that is what you want. It will be tough, but you have resources, which makes a big difference.

Longer term, it may make it even harder for you to find a life partner, if that is what you want. If you do want and find one, I predict they will be of a better sort.

I have several good friends in this position- chose to go it alone rather than relationship breakdown or accidental pregnancy.
As pp have said what’s your emotional support network like? I’m thinking of two who were very close to their parents. First case, lovely relationships all round, mutual support and real ‘takes a village’ set up. Second my friend resented her parents input although she needed their emotional support and it put a horrendous strain from which no one really recovered. Both kids grown up, the first great relationship with mum, the second, definitely disordered attachment and mum and child still acting out nearly 30 years later.

Absolutely go for it!
You are so fortunate to have the career and resources to support a solo family.

I'm sure this will become more and more usually as women get more and more access to higher salaries and men get more and more porn addled/even less interested in family life.

Of course there will be moments that are incredibly hard, but you can afford the best professional support and hopefully you have a lovely family to support you too.

The Stork and I has podcasts, coaching and a facebook group. It's almost unilaterally pro but does cover making the decision/considerations.

I looked into it myself and the key question for me would absolutely be my 'Village'. 2 acquaintances have gone it alone, another friend is in the process, and their support network is key. The SMBC network itself seems to be very mutually supportive so where ever you are you're likely to find others in a similar position.
Good luck.

I was the almost the same age as you and got to the same stage - I didn’t have your income but was solvent, and had pretty much accepted it wasn’t going to happen for me the traditional way.

I strongly recommend the Donor Conception Network, lots of useful information and support. They also have (or had at the time) meet ups and forums where you could chat to others in the same position/ others who had gone ahead.

As it happens I got lucky and met my now DH just as I was starting out on the process, and ended up deciding to put it on hold whilst I saw how things worked out with him, we started ttc after a year, and did eventually end up with our DD but it took 4 years. I’m not suggesting that happens for everyone. But do consider what you would do if you started this process and then met ‘the one’ - it was a difficult situation and I still now wonder if I’d have ended up with a DC sooner/ later or not at all if I’d stuck to my plans.

I am a solo mum by choice to my 10mo little boy who I had via IVF and sperm donor. As the PP said, the Stork and I is a great starting point. Mel runs a course called Choosing Solo which goes over all the practical and emotional considerations, I found it incredibly useful. The podcasts are great too. I also agree that your support network is fundamental, and having money to help with a cleaner / babysitter etc is a huge help. Personally it's been the best decision I ever made.

LivsAlone on Instagram and she’s written a book which I’ve heard good things about.

her website: livsalone.com

Another single mother by choice here. I found The SMC website run by Jane Mattis was invaluable. SMC.org. There are sections for thinkers. For tryers and for mothers. It’s a bit US centric but excellent nonetheless

@londonjojo
@butterflyfox

Another single mother by choice here 😊I had IVF with a sperm donor. I was extremely fortunate to have conceived the fire time round and now have a wonderful little boy. I wouldn't change anything and it's been the best decision I've ever made.

You could freeze embryos with donor sperm and postpone the decision for a few years — since you don’t mention being broody just yet.

I have a friend who is a single parent by choice. The father is a gay man, they are good friends and he is an active parent - but they are not in a relationship. All four are thriving.

You should absolutely go for it, but if you can, make sure that you have a circle of friends to build your non-traditional family around.

Also SMBC and while not at your income levels, well paid though i worked 3 days for a while after i had him and took full 12 months mat leave - Dont under estimate the impact this can have on career progression (depending on your organisation)

Be aware that while paying for childcare help is an option depending on your work pattern you may need to think about overnights and early mornings (live in options) and also about what flex you can achieve to make sure you dont miss all the best bits - school plays, play dates, support from other parents etc.

It can be a tricky balance but as others have said there are rewards and tou will find the path that works for you

Look up diary.of.a.british.mama on instagram. She's gone it alone and talks a lot about her experience

What are you looking for in your future husband/partner?

What dating experience did you have?

How many (about) men have you met for dates?

I got this book: Choosing Single Motherhood: The Thinking Woman's Guide amzn.eu/d/3KPEhXh

Unfortunately I’m £18k and 5 miscarriages in, and down to my last embryo, but I’m a few years older than you. Just make sure you’ve got your support network sorted as you’ll need it whatever happens. Best of luck!

I personally wouldn't choose to be a single Mum. I am sure you can find the right match man for you too.

But I understand everyone is different.

@Successgirl2022
What makes you so confident that Op WILL definitely find the right match? You cannot possibly know this, nobody can. Lots of people settle for each other to create a family, that scenario is far more likely. Plenty of romantic relationships break down and the women are the ones usually doing the lion's share of childcare and childrearing.

As a pp suggests, you could look into a co-parenting arrangement. Obviously this would be very different from being a single parent, as it reduces the amount of control you have. But it does mean that your child would have an involved father and you would have that support in decision-making, caring for the child etc. If you have a close family, obviously you might be able to get that from your parents or siblings, but I think it's really important for the child and you to have another person in your life who really cares.