Single mother by choice - Reality check

[Freshstart111]

Can anyone please give me any books or Podcasts regarding the journey of being a single mother by choice?

I am a 35/F who earns over 200k per annum
I am emotionally healthy, kind and loving
Stable and emotionally available
great friends and colleagues

For the life of me - I have tried OLD, speed dating and a dating agency. I cannot find a suitable partner, not even remotely so. I am not ‘too picky’, I do not have a ‘bad picker’ - I have just been exceptionally unlucky with who I have encountered. Men have openly admitted to me they are uncomfortable with my success, even worse that I grew up in a council estate. It seems I repulse them. I have had one engagement and a live in partner - as I became more successful in my career; the worse my love life became. I can barely get a second date now and if anything I look after myself more now and have done so much work on myself that I am unrecognisable from a couple of years ago.

Two years ago after the worse encounter of them all on OLD I foresaw the reality. The dating pool is horrific and there is a very real chance I may never meet someone. I attended for AMH and ovarian reserve and all OK.

After two years of continuing to try and meet someone I hold my hands up and say I am undateable. No man wants anything to do with a woman like me and thats fine - whether its personality, looks, success - who knows the reason but theres no point really on focusing on it now. I have grieved it, gone through the stages and now in acceptance.

Does anyone know anyone on here I can speak to who has gone through this journey personally? Also any Podcasts or books would be great.

I enjoyed the Not By Accident podcast, about an Australian woman who did this.

If you can be near your parents or other familial support that could help then that would be a real bonus to you. That said with your level of income an au pair or nanny could probably help a lot. Being a single parent is tough but money makes it a lot easier.

@Sunbird24 wishing you much, much happiness, whatever the future holds. X

I know someone who did this and it is hard. She really feels the pressure, though admittedly this would be relieved in many ways if you have lots of funds.
Ethically, I’m not so sure. Does your right to have a child trump the right of that child to know his biological father? I don’t know. Friend’s DS has just started school and is asking some pretty tricky questions right now.

I don't really find it "hard". I've made financial sacrifices, sure, but I do have supportive family (they aren't geographically near by). It is at the end of the day my responsibility 24/7 but that's what I'd signed up for.

You cannot really rely on a partner sticking around.. whether it is a romantic or a co parenting arrangement..you just can't guarantee that, but I trust myself (and my family) more than I have any partner. I like the fact I get to decide how I parent, and I don't have to negotiate anything with anybody when it comes to how I raise my child. No custody battles either or ex partners getting together with new partners that my child would then need to get used to in their life. It is peaceful!

For me it was a question of being single and childless or single with a possibility of having a child/my own family. I chose the second option.

Research shows that a child needs consistent caregivers rather than specifically mother and father, I can't recall where I got this from, but could dig it out if needed! Also, research shows that children who are told from an early age (using age appropriate language) how they were conceived (in terms of donor conceived children) are emotionally and psychologically better adjusted than those who find out they were lied to later on in life.

Donor Conception Network as mentioned already by some solo mums upthread is a very useful organisation where you can find out more on the subject, including evidence based research.

www.goodreads.com/book/show/1373011.Knock_Yourself_Up

THere is always someone right for everyone.

We just have to look for him/her and them

*and find them

I think you'll be fine going it alone.
Some men may not see anything past your success. If you don't get to date 2, perhaps you've made it too much the focus of discussion. Not saying totally hide it, but perhaps on the first date they don't have to get an in depth version. Let them get to know the rest of what you are about. You are understandably proud of yourself, and you should be, but there's a fine line to tread where crossing it can seem like showing off and become intimidating.

@Successgirl2022

What is your agenda? Can't you accept that some people aren't interested in your 'must couple up' mantra?

Yeah, that that's the trick. I found mine thousands of miles away. What if OP's is 97, gay and lives in a Tibetan Monastery?

My friend had a child with a donor. Child and mother are great. And she has far fewer resources than you and works shifts.

Have you considered the child in all this?

I've been a single parent since ds was 6 & it is bloody hard work, nobody to back you up when dc is being an arsehole & won't behave, nobody there if you are ill, you just have to soldier on. Evenings when they have gone to bed are lonely, you have to be mum, dad, cleaner, cook, carer, nurse, teacher, taxi driver all on your own.

I picked terrible men to have children with (twice). I would say not having to navigate a tricky ex puts you at a better advantage than me. Being a single mother is far easier than being with a difficult father, my nanny and cleaner are my greatest support. I think you should wholeheartedly go for it. Good luck mama.

I also liked the podcast Not By Accident.

Are you a single parent as a result of a romantic relationship breaking down, or have you chosen solo parenting using a sperm donor/egg donor?

They are not the same ways being a single parent.

Most solo mums by choice don't hold resentment over their situation because they weren't relying on a partner to do this with.

What do you mean by this?

@HilarityEnsues I agree with you also. Motherhood can be lonely and you don't know if you will get a healthy child resulting in you unable to work and earn a decent salary. Or you could have a child with autism which is not picked up on any of your baby scans.

Money isn't everything. There's no price on having a birthing partner (anyone at all that is to support you). Would you be happy to holiday alone without a partner and do all the activities... I'm a single mum and people have asked where is your husband (nosy buggers).

If you have any friends that are single mums I would chat with them and ask them to share with you the joys and hardships of mum life.

I definitely didn't choose to be a single mum but I have always wanted to be a mum and I think it's good your time aware regarding your body clock. I'm not sure what to advise overall as I was early 20s when I had my DS so totally different.

Perhaps the poster means they would only have OPS side of the family. It's a fair comment really don't you think?

As children get older they will have questions about their father.

I don’t have personal experience. But I have 2 friends who chose to do this. One doesn’t earn that much but has incredible support from her mum and gran.

The other earns around what you do and has been able to outsource support. She does also have her mum for emotional support.

Years down the line (the kids are 4 and 12) never regretted it. The kids are lively happy children. It’s a route I would definitely have taken had I not met my kids dad.

Do you plan to date and find the right match for you?

My agenda there is always the right match for everyone if you want to find one and look for one.

If you don't it's your choice. Live how you like it. Each to their own.

OP is in her late 30s and straight.

Gay people also find partners.

I had the Knock Yourself Up Book, (pink and yellow cover, forget the author) full of anecdotes, pros and cons. It said people who haven't been lucky enough to meet someone and fall in love and have children often end up settling for a passive type partner or going the smbc route. In the end, I admittedly went the former. It has been advantageous in the sense of breaks and financial input and giving the children an alternative viewpoint. Disadvantages have been having to share decisions and not being able to move where I want. We co-parent and it is an oddity amongst schoolfellows who have married or divorced parents. We'll never put them through the divorce side of things so that's another advantage to co parenting.
Also anecdotally, a wealthy friend has three other friends who have gone the sperm donor route and two of them have resulted in children with inherited disorders due to the donors being untruthful.
I don't know whether a donor having other healthy children is information that is available when you are choosing but if so, I'd say go for one that has, rather than one that's untested.