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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is it like to live with a narcissist?

64 replies

LemonFizzz · 06/09/2022 17:14

Please can anyone who has experience of living with a narcissist let me know what it was like?

I am worried that my DP has a lot of traits and am considering that I need to leave.

OP posts:

Holidaywoes2022 · 07/09/2022 02:13

You really need an escape plan.
Until that's in order, indifference/grey rock & unavailability are going to have to be your weapons. LEAVE ASAP

realsavagelike · 07/09/2022 02:54

Absolutely yes to having an escape plan. I said nothing until I had copies of passports/bank details/birth certificates etc. and an emergency bag packed in case I felt like I was in physical danger.

Iizzyb · 07/09/2022 04:16

Nearlyflippinforty · 06/09/2022 22:45

Grew up as the Scapegoat child. It's hell. Pure hell. You will think you're going slowly mad. Run for the fecking hills and look after yourself.

I only realised quite recently that I was too. It's an awful way to grow up.

Found myself with a "d"p just like my "d"f a few years ago.

Only 2 things to say. Life is far too short and make a plan to leave. It will not get better.

Also, take your hair straighteners with you (I left a lot of stuff at "d" p's house so he wouldn't realise I was clearing out. I absolutely didn't leave my GHD's....)

bodie1890 · 07/09/2022 05:04

I was with someone I think was a narcissist for 5 years. It was the worst and best 5 years of my life, certainly the most intense. It took me a long time to cut ties and even now I am confused about the whole experience, but glad that I ended it.

Try to move on as soon as you can and don't let it break you. You will have a life after him and it will be better and simpler.

beingsunny · 07/09/2022 07:45

I'm 11 months out of a five year relationship with a narcissist, I still can't articulate the horror my life was for the last four years. The PP have described it incredibly well, and it was triggering to read.

My only advice is to leave but don't tell him, he will never allow it, you need to make a plan and leave without him knowing , then block all contact.

And never engage again, ignore the attempts to destroy your reputation, those who believe him don't matter. If you try standing up to him, he will be gleeful at having won, they only thing you can do is stay away, and start over.

Petitecoccinelle · 07/09/2022 08:55

sonjadog · 06/09/2022 18:35

When I was a lot younger, I had a relationship with a man for about two years that started off wonderful. We were so compatible in every way it seemed perfect. After the first year however, things started to change. We had a disagreement and after that he changed and he would twist words and memories so that he was always right and I was always wrong. It was incredibly damaging to my emotional and mental health and I felt that I lost who I was for a while. But I stuck with him because I remembered the good times and felt there was some magic cure to what our relationship then was that would get us back there. With hindsight, I should have ended it at least 6 months before I did, and that first perfect year was nothing but an illusion. He was a disturb individual who was mirroring back my personality and I didn’t realise.

The point in telling you all that was that I recognize your feelings of wondering what the hell happened. What happened was that he wasn’t showing you his true self and now he is. I recommend you waste no more time and get out of this relationship. It took me years to get over the mental torment of the relationship I was in.

For me, definitely the worst part is always twisting my words or completely fabricating something I have said / lying to state he hasn't said something, so he is always the person in the right. Never ever admitting he's wrong or saying sorry, ever.

Also to be one person when it is just the two of us and a completely different person - incredibly charming, kind, attentive - whenever anyone else is present - so no one could ever believe what he's like behind closed doors. All of this is incredibly damaging to my mental health and it almost destroyed me as I was permanently so frustrated and wanted to scream.

Another thing is the atmosphere at home - I end up constantly walking on egg shells / in a state of alertness as I never know what mood he'll be in and what he'll complain about that I've not done right (e.g. if when emptying the dishwasher some water splashes on the floor he is disgusted...). He tends to focus on anything that's imperfect rather than all the stuff I actually do.

Unfortunately for many reasons I can't leave - my solution is to cut off from him emotionally, get on with my life and act like he's not there.

As soon as I can get out I will. I suggest you do so now, as narcissist or not, your BF sounds like he's not worth hanging around for.

Petitecoccinelle · 07/09/2022 09:14

@sonjadog Sorry, not sure why I quoted you!

Original poster

LemonFizzz · 07/09/2022 09:44

It's so hard isn't it, because the days that are good make you believe that they are a good person. Even though they actually aren't.

He has blamed the bad times on stress (obviously caused by others) and I've been waiting around like an idiot thinking things will get better and go back to the old times.

I've recently noticed a few attempts at gaslighting me which hasn't happened before. We have to have everything the way he wants it, even though sometimes it is ridiculous. I can never relax. Even when he is out I'm thinking about what housework I should do.

Reading experiences on here like about getting water on the floor from the dishwasher, he has done that exact thing! It's crazy. And when he gets a hint that I'm on the verge of leaving he will be nice as pie for maybe even a fortnight just to make me think that it is all ok.

OP posts:

Petitecoccinelle · 07/09/2022 09:53

I always wonder if they even know they're doing it, as if so, it must be exhausting for them to constantly be that horrid / calculating.

And I think my husband actually believes his outright lies / extreme twisting of conversations sometimes.

Actually for that I start to feel slightly less disgusted by him because I think it must be a real mental disorder, it's more than him just being deliberately vile. Thankfully I've got to the stage I can laugh at some of his ridiculous behaviour - it's better than getting angry and frustrated as I did before.

I wish I'd never met him sometimes, as he really did destroy me and building myself back up has been a long process that is still ongoing, but without him I'd not have had my children.

Got to look at the positive!

Nizzles · 07/09/2022 10:19

It's the trauma bond that makes this situation so difficult. They present themselves as this great person at first, you can hardly believe you have finally met someone so great. They build you up, say nice things, put you on a pedastal. It's all very intoxicating. Then the little put downs start. And they are very small at first.

Also, I noticed that he stopped listening to me, literally. I could be talking to him about something and he would just not hear I word I said. I was watching Dr Ramani yesterday and she mentioned another thing that they do.. after they cause a fight over something, they will say.. can we just go back to normal now? So they have caused a fight over something that you don't quite undertand, you are feeling uneasy and anxious and they just want you to forget it and go back to "normal". I never knew that was a thing with a narcissist until yesterday. It seems they all follow the same pattern more or less.

And the twisting of the truth, my ex would tell a blatant lie even though he knew that I knew it was a lie. He would tell it with an evil little smirk and watch me go mad trying to convince him he wasn't telling the truth. Oh yes, the gaslighting was unreal and they enjoy getting the reaction from you. Little did I know, he was recording my bad reaction so that I would look like the crazy one if anyone questioned him.

GreenManalishi · 07/09/2022 10:38

@Petitecoccinelle you just described my first marriage, set your sails towards getting out asap, make it the thread that runs through your days. I too had to wait until I could leave. I squirelled away all the spare money that I could, which wasn't much as he was financially controlling. It took a couple of fortunate changes in circumstance before I could pull the plug and get out.

It took me the length of the marriage out of it to be more or less over the mental and emotional impact, and some things still remain. I still second guess myself sometimes, and my first thought can be, when making a decision, what's he going to do/say about this. Even though he is long gone on a daily basis. You sound incredibly strong and I wish you luck.

Nizzles · 07/09/2022 10:39

And they definitely do know what they are doing. You can nearly hear the cogs going in their head. They will continue to torment you in some way if they feel the need to get back at you or hurt you, even if they are cutting their own nose off despite their face. My ex has done exactly this.

His plan was to come back to me eventually when the situation was the way he wanted it to be. I dread to think what he is going to do now that he realises that he has lost his big dream in life (hard to explain this without being too outing). Everything that he wanted was within reach even if it was to take a couple of years and the time between now and then, we could've still lived a very good life that he wanted. But through his stubborness and attempts to coerce me into fulfilling the dream sooner, he has effectively lost everything.

I am a bit on tenterhooks as to what he will actually do to me now. His health isn't good and I can imagine his mental health will take a downturn. I just want him to leave me alone and go quietly but I doubt this will happen.

So I would say to you now, get out while you can. Once you see that they are a narcissist, you cannot unsee it. So many things will start to make sense.

Anotherdopeytaxpayer · 07/09/2022 10:43

I'm not keen on putting labels on people because it gives them an excuse for bad behaviour.
eg "I can't help it, I'm a narcissist and it's not my fault."

As others have said, if they are not treating you with love, care, trust and respect, then you need to go.

firstmummy2019 · 07/09/2022 11:51

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 06/09/2022 17:41

It is completely and utterly draining, like living with an emotional vampire.

This! My mum is a narcissist and is draining, draining, draining. There will never be any peace when they are around. Get out now. It will never get better, only worse.

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