What is it like to live with a narcissist?

[LemonFizzz]

Please can anyone who has experience of living with a narcissist let me know what it was like?

I am worried that my DP has a lot of traits and am considering that I need to leave.

I have always been very capable of getting my point across in an argument. I've never had a problem expressing how I feel about things. But with him now it's completely different. He twists everything I say to make me the bad guy. Everything is my fault. He takes no responsibility.

He texts me excessively whenever I go out. If I say I'm going out he will usually invite himself along.

He's negative about all of my family and friends. He hates my cat. He's acts incredibly entitled and gets annoyed at other people for doing things that he does on a daily basis.

Looking back I can see exactly what happened, at the time I was confused, bewildered and anxious.

Start - love bombing, mirroring my likes/dislikes and personality. I thought he was the perfect guy. He pretended to have all the qualities I desired. During this phase he tested my boundaries. He very quickly became so deep into my life despite me saying I wasn't ready for a serious relationship

THEN came the random put downs, the sly digs about myself or friends and family with the aim of planting those seeds aimed to destroy my confidence and my relationships with my support network.

Then he stepped it up a notch once he got away with the above. He would triangulate our relationship to cause jealously and unrest. I would forever be trying to please him and keep him by towing his line completely. I'd have sex when I didn't want to coz he'd said if I didn't he would cheat. He would randomly kick off for no reason, invent an argument out of thin air just so he had an excuse to leave. He'd play mind games with me by not coming home when planned and refusing to answer the phone.

He used my insecurities and deepest secrets against me in such cruel ways. He never ever said sorry. He'd even tell people my secrets or sometimes he'd just make stuff up about me to turn people against me. Every conversation was just ammo/info gathering for him.

He showed zero empathy, ever. He did not have the ability to see things from my point of view at all.

Towards the end he treated me appallingly and was so cock sure of himself that id never leave him, I mean what a catch he was. Well one day I had enough. I kicked him out and never looked back. He's not allowed to see our shared children on social services say so.

After he left I discovered all sorts. Last week I found used coke baggies and a straw he'd sniffed it with hidden down the back of my freezer. God I could go on forever honestly

It's shit and if you stay you will just get more and more worn down with it. It will ruin your self confidence and you will need to re adjust your thinking when you leave if you let it get that far.

Mine lived I had a "good" job at first. Pretty soon it was used as a weapon as his wasn't as "good" it was I just earned a bit more.

Left me in bits. With a totally skewed opinion of myself. Took me years to get my thinking re aligned with how it should be.

At first for them they see you as something that is good as you as good enough for them but then they wear you down till in your eyes your grateful for them and then when they get you to that point they move on because your no longer what you were originally. Your no longer the confident person they wanted.

I'd get out now before you get to this point.

I was with one for years although this was many years ago. It's just beyond awful. I was in a similar position to you, luckily not married and no children thank god! Meant that I was eventually able to up and leave. We were living at his mothers at the time. I told him that my job was winding down (partly true) and I'd have to leave as I couldn't possibly live there earning no money (he didn't work). I told him what area I was moving to (a lie) and packed my stuff and left. Changed my number although he somehow found it out. He alternated between telling me he loved me and missed me to screaming abuse and he knew I was cheating on him (I wasn't). Eventually he gave up. It will be hard but you're in a great position to just cut all contact with him. What I'm trying to say is please leave. Don't waste anymore precious time on him. I'm now married to a wonderful man and we have a beautiful little boy. No idea what I ever saw in my ex. I really hope it works out for you!

It's terrible and it doesn't get any better. Get out now before you find yourself unable to. You're in a great position to leave, you have no kids and your own house. Perfect. Run and don't look back!

Leave and don't look back, you know what you have to do so please do it asap. X

It's a head fuck every minute of every day. LEAVE NOW!

According to the Internet doctors on MN, If he's male, he is one. 🤔

I'm sorry you're feeling that way about your relationship. Good luck for your future.

Eventually you dread everything, days out, special events, holidays.

You constantly ask yourself 'what the fuck is going on', 'why did he just say that', 'why is he doing that', 'what the hell just happened'.

You feel like your being swept along and everything is somehow out of your control.

It's exhausting.

Criticising a guy on MN is a clear indication that you're not happy with him and if a relationship isn't making you happy you have to walk away. Make your plan to leave and put it into action.

Grew up as the Scapegoat child. It's hell. Pure hell. You will think you're going slowly mad. Run for the fecking hills and look after yourself.

It's exhausting. You doubt yourself. You live with constantly moving goal posts. History that get rewritten. You lose your identity. You tread on
eggshells. Have a knot in your stomach.

They crave narcissistic supply.

They're awful creatures. You should leave and must leave...do not have kids with him. However it may be hard. Try and be as boring as possible. Don't blame him. Try and quietly quit the relationship with the least drama possible.

Wait for him to go out, get your stuff together snd just go

How it initially is, is dependent on if they want something from you and are or are not getting it.

Over time it continues like that but you change and start to feel more and more confused and blindsided and preoccupied by trying to understand if you are at fault for something, if you can avoid the random Ill feeling somehow, if he has a point or not. Then briefly it’s great then it all comes back again. It’s exhausting.

Your posts describe exactly the ex I think was one and I am so thankful I left when I did. It was fucking exhausting.

It makes you think you are going mad! I was with a narc for 15 years. It took me at least 5-7 years afterwards to get back on an even keel and to get my self esteem back. They are utterly vile, evil people.

You need to leave OP and soon.

He will destroy you.

I can only share what I went through with one.

I had 3 months of lovebombing, everything was perfect, we were meant to be and he wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together.
At 3 months and 1 day, a switch was flipped and that man disappeared forever. Literally over the course of a 2 hour journey. When we set off he was loving, fun, engaging and great to be with. When we arrived, he was cold, distant, condescending, wouldn't look at me, touch me, communicate with me or spend time with me.

Took great pleasure in ruining things I worked at/for. I spent hours shampooing/cleaning his living room carpet, he deliberately dropped a full cup of coffee on it the next day, and he made sure I saw him do it. I'd cook a nice meal, he'd wait until I was near the bin and scrape it all into the rubbish, making sure I saw that.

I couldn't do or say anything right.
It was hell.
I tried to ask what was wrong but he'd just shut me down.
Id ask if he wanted me to leave but he said we loved each other so I should stay.

I left, 3 months later he started hoovering me back, saying how much he missed me and he wanted to try again and he'd be better. He wasn't.

His phone was never out of his hand. He was on multiple dating sites, chatting and arranging dates whilst telling me I was "the one". A friend saw him on POF and tipped me off so I set up a profile and catfished him.

The thing that gets me most is that with the benefit of hindsight, he has absolutely nothing to offer any woman but carries on as if he's the catch of the century. He's a fat, scruffy, sweaty, sweary 55 year old with no qualifications, no trade or profession, has dubious dental hygiene and a house thats falling down around his ears. He's actually very boring.

His family were all lovely though and tried to warn me what he was like as they'd seen it all before, several times over. He's fallen out with all of them now too.

@Hanstarlucky - that awful blank stare, like your emotional breakdown is a mildly interesting science experiment to which they have no attachment. @LemonFizzz , I have nothing to add to what the other ladies have already said, but echo it all wholeheartedly.

Leave Leave Leave I got lovebombed and just divorcing after being married to him for 5yrs with 3 boys does not get easier gets worse. Trust me . He never accepts he’s done anything wrong i’m undergoing therapy to fix my head. But I became none existent

Echoing all the previous posters with a 'leave, leave, leave'
Get out before it's too late.
I'm almost a year on from moving out of our family home and in some ways his behaviour is worse than when we lived together. I live in fear daily and don't know how to fully protect the children from him. He seems to be able to get away with anything no matter how many different people I talk to.
Someone said it is like being a cast member of Eastenders. I've said this to friends many times over the past year - it's like I'm living in some hideous soap and I can't get out.
I have no idea how my life ended up as it has.

You will get absolutely nothing from this man except pain.

Please leave.

Well, my ex had 3 life size paintings of himself, so that was certainly quite surprising to see when you visited! He had an adoring older woman give him one for his birthday and had 2 others commissioned. Apparently, they were for his business.

Um, constant cheating and lying but he was I think what they call a quiet narcissist. But everything was about maintaining his angelic image. Very disturbing experience and of course, I was taken in by it for some time too.

They never want you to succeed because they want to be the shining star. Every achievement I had, he had a little denigratory line to use for it. He talked about himself constantly, never asked how I was feeling. Very good looking and well turned out. Surrounds himself with people less attractive and much older than him. Histrionic, loved creating drama and other people's distress and could be very cold and emotionless when he forgot to act. Or when he got the character he was supposed to be for one person mixed up with another.

But lying, lying and more lies. Lied about really important things, to my face, with no conscience or guilt.

In my experience,

-Constantly watching every word you say to avoid argument
-Questioning your own thoughts because they gaslight you so much
-Accepting a much lower standard than you normally would, ie letting them be rude to other people

What is the living situation now? In his house/flat or in a joint rental?

If you have no rental liability then get the hell out of Dodge ASAP. Give your tenants the legally required notice now. But leave right away, Go to a friend/family or get an AirBnB for the notice period.

If your name is on a joint lease, seek advice about getting yourself out from under it. If the lease is in your sole name, kick his arse out.

The most important thing is to go 'stealth'. Say nothing, betray nothing until your ducks are in a row and you are ready to walk right out the door. Or to pack his bags and put them on the front porch.