What is it like to live with a narcissist?

[LemonFizzz]

Please can anyone who has experience of living with a narcissist let me know what it was like?

I am worried that my DP has a lot of traits and am considering that I need to leave.

Leaving a narcissist? My best advice is to fasten your seatbelt!

Honestly, the label does not matter.
All that matters is whether the relationship is working for you. And it doesn’t sound like it is. Even if he doesn’t fit the diagnosis for narcissist, the fact you are not getting what you need from the relationship is enough reason to leave.

Like being a part of the eastenders cast. I’ve never known drama like it until I met a narc- absolutely crazy!!

We've been together for 18 months. It was perfect at the beginning. I felt like I'd always been looking for someone like him. Then the last 6 months everything has changed.

He is rude to everyone (and I really mean everyone) it's so embarrassing. I'm constantly on edge worrying about what will set him off next. He has outbursts of anger constantly over really small things. I never know what mood he will be in from one day to the next. When we try to discuss things he puts the blame on me. He won't take any responsibility for his actions.

I'm very independent but feel like I'm not myself anymore.

Don't move in with him, or if you already live together say you prefer to live apart but stay in a relationship. If he doesn't respect your space you need to end it.

I am a few months out of a short marriage with a narcissist and I am still suffering. I got lovebombed in the beginning and he pretended to have humility. Over time, he also became rude to people around him like my parents and others that he had no interest in. Towards the end, he got violent and never even said sorry, he just put the blame on me. The gaslighting really ramped up and he even started to record me secretly with a spy pen. Along with this I have been threatened with revenge porn, it's horrific and I still cannot believe I got myself into this situation.

It's so hard to get away from them due to the trauma bonding, you keep thinking back to the good times but they are gone, they were never real. They were good because it suited them at the time. My ex started being very demanding about his needs in terms of the house, car, hobbies etc yet didn't have the funds to pay for them. The expectation was for me to pay for all these things without question.

My advice is get to away from him as soon as possible. Watch Dr Ramani on youtube as she explains it all in great detail and I bet some of it will start to make sense to you. She calls them invasive weeds, I think that's a good description.

Good luck 😘

If you haven't got children/house together, try and fade slowly out of his life and hope he won't notice.

It is completely and utterly draining, like living with an emotional vampire.

Thank you for your replies!

We do live together and it's only since I moved in that these issues have become a real problem.

He isn't physically abusive and I can't even say he ever says anything nasty to me. But I feel like he is so clever with wording things that he leaves me speechless. I don't feel like I'm myself at all anymore.

We don't have kids, we are not married and I do own my own home which is currently rented out so I'm in a good position to leave really.

It's just so difficult because you do think back to the good times and wonder what the hell happened.

It gets much worse, trust me. Get out while you can.

You need to end in anyway. Living with a angry man destroys you. Your body and mind becomes constantly hypervigilent for signs of threat. Even if he doesn’t hit you, your body will interpret anger as potential violence and you will go into a highly stressed state. Just end it. The only future here is increasing misery for you.

I hear you about the insidious put downs, they won't say anything bad in a direct way but in a very underhand way. For example, I lost over a stone in January and said it to him and he asked where did I lose it.. that kind of thing. It's all designed to destabilize you and it's good that you are beginning to recognise it and how it makes you feel. Even towards the end, he would say things like, I never said I didn't love you or you're not a bad person, always a negative undertone.

He will discard you eventually so you are better off getting out now. I never fully understood what a narcissist was until it was too late. Thankfully he had already gone at that stage but the damage had been done. If I'd recognised it earlier, things would have been different but we live and learn.

When I was a lot younger, I had a relationship with a man for about two years that started off wonderful. We were so compatible in every way it seemed perfect. After the first year however, things started to change. We had a disagreement and after that he changed and he would twist words and memories so that he was always right and I was always wrong. It was incredibly damaging to my emotional and mental health and I felt that I lost who I was for a while. But I stuck with him because I remembered the good times and felt there was some magic cure to what our relationship then was that would get us back there. With hindsight, I should have ended it at least 6 months before I did, and that first perfect year was nothing but an illusion. He was a disturb individual who was mirroring back my personality and I didn’t realise.

The point in telling you all that was that I recognize your feelings of wondering what the hell happened. What happened was that he wasn’t showing you his true self and now he is. I recommend you waste no more time and get out of this relationship. It took me years to get over the mental torment of the relationship I was in.

Personally I feel the label absolutely does matter, and those who don’t think so, haven’t experienced a narc. It’s not just a relationship that’s fizzled out, run it’s course - I’ve had those. No, this relationship leaves you feeling confused and anxious, exhausted, initially you wonder, what did I do to upset them? You feel it’s your fault, you apologise over and over on the face of days of the silent treatment. Arguments and disagreements don’t stay on topic, they quickly descend into threats to end the relationship and further down the line (if not initially, after they show you they will in fact not ever leave) call you the most vile names and say the most vile things - things you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy. But you still stay.. why? If it’s that bad? Because they are masters of manipulation, they manage to talk their way round and if you’re lucky (or unlucky) they’re capable of what seems like a very sincere apology (don’t buy it), they’ll promise things will change, they’ve just been really stressed and well, you started it too.. they buy you really
nice and thoughtful gifts, cook, and you both relax over a film or series and all is well again (until it isn’t, all over again). The most benign things will set off an argument, you’re not sure what mood they’re going to be in one day to the next, when it’s good it’s good and when it’s bad it’s awful. You may experience sexual coercion, and you wonder why should you owe anyone anything - it doesn’t feel right but you’ve been made to feel like there’s something fundamentally wrong with you (weird since it was never an issue before). The whole relationship is a rollercoaster of emotions and you desperately want the ride to stop - as a previous poster said, you don’t know drama until you’ve met a narc.

Trust your gut and get out, it WILL get worse once you get married and get tied into a house and children.

@LemonFizzz Walking on Eggshells.....trying to not set them off. Nothing you do is good enough -always finds something to pick... alienate you from friends and family....overreacts and rages at the smallest thing - never in the wrong - your fault he loses his temper...... and more.... I separated after 30 years at the end of last year.........the peace I feel in undescribable.

If I had my time again I would have left within the first 2 years - the signs were there - I just ignored them....and it got worse and worse....

I agree with whenithits as once you know they are a narcissist, you know there’s no going back or trying to change them. And Dr Ramani also says getting over a narcissistic relationship is harder than an ordinary breakup. It messes with your head and takes a lot of entangling.

I was with one for 5 years, lovely to begin with, asked me to marry him quite quickly

then turned cold AF, cheated and I thought I was going to end up being sectioned. The lies made me doubt my own reality

applied for divorce and he made my life hell. We have a young child and he’s been obstructive and controlling over everything, it had to go to a final hearing to get what I deserved, after that he took me to court over our daughter then decided he didn’t want equal shared care

he hates authority and was condescending to the judge. Lacks empathy totally and whilst I was a crying mess on the floor he would stare blankly. He would give me the silent treatment for days and I would text in desperation

when I eventually got a boyfriend he started stalking me

Type it into YouTube, there is loads of advice there.

It’s awful. Don’t even know where to start.

The love bombing. Relationship moving quickly.

He probably has a toxic dysfunctional family.

Then when they have you where you can’t move is suffocating. Fits of rage. Shouting. Swearing. Intimidating. You’re a piece of shit. You fucking cunt. Fucking idiot. Worthless. THEN the apologies come. They’re sorry. But you wound them up. And you shouldn’t wind them up. Then you get all the - they won’t do it again. They’ll get help. Anything to keep you together. But then it happens again. And again. And again. For years. Until you’re a shadow of your former self. You can’t leave because you have nowhere to go and no funds to secure a new home. You can’t tell anyone as no one as you’re repeatedly told no one will believe you because to the outsiders he’s a charming, friendly helpful pillar of the community.

You’re Suicidal but you can’t kill yourself to get out of this perpetual cycle of trauma because now you have children and pets and can’t leave them with him as he’ll destroy them too. You fantasise about suicide. Try to rationalise it. Plan it. Convince yourself that your children will be ok without their mother. He’ll harden them. But you just can’t go ahead.

He tells lies about you to everyone. Anything he can’t do is blamed on you. He pleases others at your expense. You’re the scapegoat. Your reputation is ruined to protect his and his friends/family’s/colleagues feelings. You come last. Always. Never first.

He probably abuses alcohol, or drugs. Because they help him calm down/help his mental health/help his anger. But you know this is bullshit as his behaviour doesn’t change. It escalates.

Mountains of secret debt with nothing to show for it- all your fault.

Sex means nothing to both of you. It’s just used to please him. You may even find yourself using sex as a bargaining tool to manipulate his mood. Sex will have no consideration for your pleasure. Solely his.

THEN when you do find a way to leave…. A brand new cycle of trauma and abuse starts. But it’s easier. Way way easier.

My advise to you if you think you’re living with a narcissist is to get yourself an awesome support network, get police and Womens Aid on board and get the fuck out. Take advantage of free counselling services etc. work on you. It’s an amazing feeling and totally achievable- even on the days you think it isn’t, it truly is.

Eggshell, eggshells and more eggshells, they end up everywhere and get into every part of your life. In your family life, relatives, friends lives, work lives, even the children will find them. They'll be in how you dress, who you speak to, the decisions you make, what you buy, they'll even be in the bedroom.

My much older brother and my Mother are narcissists. They never change. My older brother ended up extremely abusive towards his ex wife and children. I haven't spoken to my Mother for years. Get out now while it's not too late. The last thing you want is to have children with him. They don't make good husbands and certainly not good parents.

My late mil was one
It was hell on earth

Leave before you get any further involved. X

Leave. He will consume you.

It's exhausting having to run through things in your head a million times to work out if he will twist it and use it against you so you end up just not telling them anything.
Silent treatment, grandiosity, lovebombing (not in order). Once you leave you will see it for what it is but fuck my life it is hard.