Getting over a break up

[Cee17]

Hello, Apologies for the lengthy post this is my first post and I am looking for some advise and support as I am really struggling at the moment.
My partner left me now aprox 7 weeks ago, we had a few minor arguments but nothing out of the ordinary. He is claiming he was unhappy and did not like the way our relationship was going ( in over a year and a half you could count on one hand the amount of times we argued )
The week before we split he asked for some time and space apart, I never saw him in this week however I did text him, looking for answers and reassurance on our relationship ( which he has not said I made worse and ruined any chances of us getting back together )
He has blocked me on all platforms apart from one where we have had some communication ( although none of it has been very nice, telling me to leave him alone etc, he says he has not blocked me to see if I can manage no contact with him but keeps threatening to block me on that platform also.

He is also seeing someone new at the moment, although he is telling me it is nothing serious they are from the same group of friends and are 'seeing what happens' - it looks as though they have been seeing each other since a week or two after we split, and he did initially lie to me when I asked him outright if he was seeing someone.
He says at the moment all he can tell me is here and now he does not see us being together again but cannot see the future so doesn't know if we could be together again in time.

I would like to hear from anyone who is in / has been in a similar situation as I am really struggling to find away forward and see how things are going to get any better. I feel like I have lost everything with this relationship ending. I cannot eat or sleep, and I am struggling to focus or function on basic tasks / make decisions. I am totally isolating myself from friends as no one seems to understand. I have spoken to my GP who has given me anti depressants however nothing seems to be helping me.

Thanks in advance x

I’m sorry this has happened, it is so heartbreaking. I have been in this position also with my ex H. He had an affair and wanted to be with the OW. I felt like the rug had been pulled from under my feet. I like you, wanted answers but didn’t really get them and the reality is there are none. It’s just that the relationship has come to an end. But it makes it harder to make sense of it all.

It’s hard but you must not contact him. It only makes things worse for you. Hopefully the antidepressants will soon start to work. I would also recommend exercise I used to go to the gym most evenings which really helped get out all that anxiety and emotion trapped in my stomach. Or try walking or running. It’s a grief you are going through so be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good.

Take each day as it comes. Some days you feel terrible, some days you’ll feel ok and some days you’ll feel good. Sometimes it feels like you take one step forward and two steps back. But in time you will realise you are having more good days and in time you will be happy again.

Perhaps some counselling will help? I had some I found it very beneficial to help me look forward to the future. At the time I didn’t want to look forward to a future without him but I learned acceptance which is part of the whole grieving process.

I completely agree with the above. Please don't contact him, this isn't the relationship for you, you will find someone who wants to be with you, but it wasn't him. Going to the gym / getting out of the house is a great idea - getting out of thinking about him and continuously mulling it over will help. Things will be better, but you need make sure you're doing your best not dwell on him, make yourself do something else. Put on some empowering music - Taylor Swift, Beyonce, etc. See some friends, but make sure you're not just talking about him with them.

Agree with the above. This relationship is broken and over - in a clumsy and insensitive way by him but it is game over, does not matter why. You need to stop contacting him, to continue to do so is a lost cause.

It will get better with time but try to move forward. Go out with friends, have a weekend break somewhere, do something you always wanted to try. But keep looking and moving forward.

Thank you for the comments,

I feel like im clinging on to any little bits of hope, the fact he is saying just now he does not want to be with me but cant tell the future, the fact he has not totally blocked me out of his life, these small things were in a strange way keeping me going.

I feel at the moment I am constantly obsessing and checking social media for any clues as to what he might be up to, constantly checking my Instagram to see if he has removed me yet.

I have started doing a lot of walking and listening to music, sometimes I just walk and cry, but being outside does help a little.

Does it sound pathetic that I would let him have this rebound relationship ? as I firmly believe that is all this is? the other girl has children which is something my ex always said he would never get involved with someone with children.
I think he is enjoying doing a lot of fun activities with their circle of friends but I really feel it is just a distraction from dealing with his feelings / emotions from our break up. We were looking to buy our first home together this year I just cannot understand how he has went from wanting a full future with me to being so cold and cruel in the space of no time and over petty arguments.

I have started counselling and I am doing what ever I can to change, he knows this. I am willing to do whatever needs done to change to allow him to see how things would be different, I am willing to get to the root of the arguments and why I was so clingy and needy towards the end.

I just dont know how he will be able to see the changes and how things could be different.

I cannot picture a future without him, my gut keeps telling me he wont remove me as that is our final connection and that he will find his way back.

Does it sound like I am wasting my time?

Sorry this happened to you OP. I'm assuming you don't have children together.

You need to leave this man alone. He is a waste of space. He was seeing this other women before you broke up, that's why he left you.

I know it's hard but you need to block him and get on with your life.

Your just a back up plan if it all goes tits up, not because he actually wants you, but because you would be all that’s left.

Don’t be someone’s back up plan!!!!

I feel at the moment I am constantly obsessing and checking social media for any clues as to what he might be up to, constantly checking my Instagram to see if he has removed me yet.

Ok so this needs to stop now. Block him and remove him from your sm. It will be a lot easier to take back control once you start focusing on you and not him.

Learn from what went wrong and let it go. He is messing around with other women and is not looking back.

He's blocked you and told you to leave him alone

He's seeing someone else and has told you he doesn't see you to being together in the future.

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the way to get over this is to accept that it is over. That's the first step. Over and done, not to be repeated, never coming back. Not worth your efforts.

I am willing to do whatever needs done to change to allow him to see how things would be different, I am willing to get to the root of the arguments and why I was so clingy and needy towards the end.

How about I am willing to do wahtever needs done to change and work on my self esteem, make sure I know my worth and don't chase unavailable men that tell me that they don't want me instead

If you spend half of the energy that you're willing to spend being his doormat on positive action to get over him, not win him back you'll have cracked it.

I did think it was a possibility before we broke up but we were always together and busy so I really do not know where he would have found the time, there was only one occasion he went out and stayed out all night, I wanted to believe so badly he crashed at his mates ( we have both been back to this mates before so I know its a possibility ) but it is also possible that he spent the night with her and that is where it started.

As it was after the night he never came home, and didn't contact me until the next day it was our first argument after that he decided he needed space then ended the relationship.

He said he never cheated on me, but he could just be telling me anything to spare my feelings.

I’m so sorry. It’s really hard and most of us have been there in some shape or form.

It’s good to try to do positive things - get out and about, do your walking, counselling, etc. but in my experience, their purpose is mainly distraction and the only thing that helps you to heal is the passing of time.

It’s harder when the ex does shit things in the immediate aftermath as it’s so much harder to bear the hurt when you already feel broken but I’ll bet in the long-run it’ll put your ideas about getting back together to rest.

Also - you’re not mad to want him back. It’s a normal reaction to want to ‘restore order’ and it’s an obvious way to remove the cause of the pain. But in reality, you shouldn’t want him back. And in time, you likely won’t.

Hang in there. It WILL get better.

Denial is how the brain protects us from truths we are too emotionally unprepared to handle.

You are deeply in denial.

This man not only doesn't want a relationship with you, he doesn't even want to be in contact and is in a relationship with someone else.

In a while, the denial will wear off. You can get there faster by devoting time to acceptance of reality. Even if the hope and fantasies and misreadings come back, you are preparing your brain to accept reality.

This really is the most helpful advice I can give.

Your friends will help you see this and in avoiding them and saying they don't understand you are just pushing reality away.

By living in reality, we can make the most of life.

Sorry but he's not in a rebound relationship; he chose to end your relationship to begin this new one. Hard as that is to accept he doesn't want you.

Take your time to recover, it's a shitty horrible experience and most of us have been there. Being in denial is not helpful to your situation and sadly prolongs the agony

I keep going over and over our relationship, we were just back from a dream holiday together when a week later he asked for the space then ended the relationship.
I asked him out right if he cheated / there was anyone else but he always said no.
We were always together, doing things, having fun other than him staying out all night there was no signs anything was a miss.

I Just don't get why he would keep me on Instagram, he openly said he had not blocked me to see what happens, and if he saw any changes, if I could manage no contact with him, he has said for a while he will block me as it is the only way yet he has not and I do not have the strength in me to block him.
The fact he has said just now he does not see us being together again, but he can only see the here and now not further down the line, it feels like the tiniest little bit of hope for me

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation where there ex has came back ? tor you and your ex have gotten back together after something like this?

I spend my days thinking what I have done wrong, could have done differently to prevent this from happening.

I have lost over 2 stone in 7 weeks, my full life has been impacted by this and if anything the longer it is going on the worse it is getting.

I cannot remember a time in my life I was happier than when I was with him.

I Just don't get why he would keep me on Instagram,
because he's stringing you along in case it doesn't work with the new thing. He's messing with you and you're letting him.

he openly said he had not blocked me to see what happens,
he's keeping the door open in case it doesn't work with the new thing and he knows you're a soft touch

and if he saw any changes, if I could manage no contact with him,
he's setting you weird challenges like you're his lapdog, bin him off

he has said for a while he will block me as it is the only way yet he has not and I do not have the strength in me to block him.
The sooner you get the strength, the better. You're just prolonging the agony. Nobody is going to come in and sort this out for you unfortunately, or make it go away.

The fact he has said just now he does not see us being together again, but he can only see the here and now not further down the line, it feels like the tiniest little bit of hope for me
this is absolutley just him stringing you along, leading you on, taking advantage of your state of mind. Meanwhile he's shagging someone else. He's being very clear, he is not interested and it is over.

Yes it's horrible, it really is, it will get easier but you have to let go of the delusion and stop believing what he is saying for this to happen. Go on his actions, not his words.

When two people are in a relationship, they don't necessarily have the same experience or feel the same. It is very painful, and the prospect of the happiest time in your life ending is really difficult to process, but it is over, no matter how much you don't want this to be true. He clearly doesn't feel the same as you and has moved on. Do yourself a favour and put all this energy into doing the same.

He said he never cheated on me, but he could just be telling me anything to spare my feelings.

No man ever admits to cheating - you have to catch them and prove it. The evidence shows that he probably has cheated. He is telling you this to spare his feelings, not yours.

he openly said he had not blocked me to see what happens, and if he saw any changes, if I could manage no contact with him,

prove him right and block him.

just now he does not see us being together again, but he can only see the here and now not further down the line,

stringing you along, like when he said he had not cheated.

I spend my days thinking what I have done wrong, could have done differently to prevent this from happening.

there is nothing you could have done. If there was there would have been a discussion on ways forward, what could change. He has just chucked the relationship and moved on. You need to do the same.

No ex has ever come back as I felt too much anger at been treated like shit tbh. They had proven to me they had a self centred, toxic side to them and a lack of integrity to behave like a decent human being. But that is just me...

Take a deep breath OP and hit that block button. You don't need this man. You will be so much happier in time.

You've seen now what he is capable of. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

I know advice like this isn't what you want, but please please believe me and PP's that you WILL be ok - fill your life with happy things and you will find yourself thinking of him less and less until one day you wonder why you were so bothered at all xx

OP - it’s very painful when the person you love no longer loves you. Most of us have had our heartbroken at some point and most of us have broken someone else’s heart, too.

It’s even more difficult when the break seems to have come out of the blue which appears to be the case here. But you need to help yourself start to heal now. He prefers this other woman and ended your relationship so that he could be with her. He’s allowed to do that. Don’t do the pick me dance. Don’t dangle around for him. A decent man wouldn’t ask that of you in any case.

Looking at his SM feeds just prolongs your pain. Hanging on to tiny crumbs from him just prolongs your pain. Even if he tried to come back (and I’m pretty sure he won’t), you could never trust this man again. He ended your relationship when - as far as you could tell - things were going well and you’d just had a great holiday together. All your shared memories of good times weren’t enough to keep him in your relationship. You were Ms Good Enough For Now. Most of us have been there. That’s not a reflection on you. Romantic love is a strange and unpredictable thing and it seems clear he wasn’t feeling it enough with you.

Block him everywhere. Start looking outward. Embrace other interests. You could decide on a fixed time each day at which you will allow yourself to have a little weep over the end of the relationship but the rest of the time, when your thoughts turn to him, try focusing on something else.

You will get through this, OP. You will be happy again. It’s time to start moving more firmly towards that outcome.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time to respond the replies are helping me more than you could ever imagine just now.

It is really helpful to hear from people who are impartial and do no know me or my ex give there honest opinion on the situation.

I have had break ups before but none that have impacted me like this.

I feel utterly pathetic looking constantly to make sure we still follow each other, Its almost like I get a little buzz out of him looking at my storys to see what I am posting even though I know he is probably not paying the slightest bit if attention.

I wanted to keep him on Instagram so that when I become stronger and a better version of myself he can see the improvements, however I know he has me restricted on instagram meaning I can't see when he is online/ see when he has read any messages I have sent / I am unable to view his story which again puzzles me as to why he keeps me on it.

He has taken every bit of my confidence with him when he left, I hate looking in the mirror and seeing the person I am at the moment staring back at me,

I have had a few friend / follower requests from friends of his new woman ( none of which I have accepted ) but I guess it all ties in now, its as if they are snooping/ looking for something.

I will never really know if what my ex is telling me is true in regards to his new situation, I just hope I find the strength to pick myself back up from this.

I have always been a bit of a door mat, given more than I have got back, and been willing to forgive and forget.

As it stands at the moment I would take him back in a heartbeat and half the problem maybe is he knows this and thinks I will always be here.

Oh, dear. You don't need to go to therapy to change for him. I'm sure you are fine just the way you are. He just wants something different. Just tell yourself repeatedly that he is not coming back and move on with your life. There will be other men in your life.

OP - do yourself a favour and, if you do not feel you can block him on Instagram, try muting his posts and stories for a while so it is not in your face. See if that helps you move on.

he has not blocked you for the same reason he has not 'ended' the relationship cleanly - he basically has just not got the balls to do so. It just emphasises the point even more that he cheated and moved on, but has handled the whole situation so badly.

I will try my best to stop obsessing and looking at his social media, I spend a lot of time thinking about what he is up to and who he is with, nights and weekends are the worst as that was always the time we spent together. I know that now he is spending it with someone else and her children ( I think he will be around her children since they live with her ) I was not going to mention this but I feel it is relevant and there will be no judgment here as I am blaming myself for being so stressed out and not eating.

I feel another reason I am struggling with the acceptance is the fact I have very recently had a miscarriage ( was not planned in the slightest and did not actually know until 2 weeks after split, found out through tests for something unrelated )

Ex fully aware of what went on, was asked to attend appointment with me however he said no, and has not been very supportive other than apologise for not coming to the appointment, he realises he should have been there.
I really do not think he has processed the miscarriage ( he actually said himself I was not giving him space to breath never mind process anything ) and I know men think differently but I really thought there would be some sort of compassion from him. At first he told me I could talk to him any time about the miscarriage but this miscarriage only however it normally always finds away back to talking about us, or things changing or what may or may not happen in time. Any time I have asked for support or help or to talk, I get something along the lines of ' what do you want me to do/ what do you want from me'

I made it perfectly clear I did not want his pity, and he made it clear that his mind was not changing re our relationship due to the miscarriage which I would not have wanted him to do.

Is there a way in which I can make him think about what has happened ? surely this is not something he can block out forever? I would like to think he would need to process this before moving on ?

This is another reason I am not seeing my friends as much as I should be as they all either have small children are pregnant or have stable relationships, I so not want to bother them with my issues.

I'm sorry but I'm going to give you some tough love here.

He was almost definitely cheating on you or at the very least having a flirtation with this OW - highly unlikely he would suddenly "get with" someone in his friendship group when there was previously nothing between them? He probably kept things going with you as a safety net as he didn't want to be alone (more difficult to get regular sex that way!) and then this other woman has given him the green light so - BANG - you're dumped. Maybe the OW was giving him mixed messages before or was in another relationship.

He is only dangling a possible reconciliation in front of you to keep his foot in the door in case it doesn't work out with her (which it quite possibly won't if he's dead set against being with someone with kids and she has several!) DO NOT lower yourself to being available for him should this happen and he gets in touch. He will simply be using you as a backup. People do not do things like this to someone they love and care about. The fact he is now telling you to leave him alone shows his callous side and that you don't really mean anything to him anymore. But he will occasionally allow you a crumb of information to keep you dangling. That's really cruel.

This is more to do with your lack of self-worth than anything else. It sounds like your confidence is in tatters. Ask yourself how much this has to do with his influence on you and your relationship with him? Was it really that peachy? Most women would be absolutely livid and tell him to get lost. I agree with a pp - you need to find your anger now. He's treated you horribly.

You have had a sudden shock if this came out of the blue so you are grieving and yes it may take you a while to get over it - that's natural - but you need to start seeing how badly this idiot has treated you and seeing yourself as worth more than that.

I made it perfectly clear I did not want his pity, and he made it clear that his mind was not changing re our relationship due to the miscarriage which I would not have wanted him to do.

Is there a way in which I can make him think about what has happened ?

No. He has a new girlfriend and wants to forget you existed it seems like. Stop trying to make him care about you. Save your energy for someone who deserves it.

surely this is not something he can block out forever?
I would like to think he would need to process this before moving on ?

May get flamed for this but honestly, I think you're expecting a bit much - he has ended the relationship and asked you to leave him alone. You can't honestly expect him to care that much about a miscarriage you didn't even know you'd had? You're clutching at straws here. Men in general find it hard to really empathise about stuff like this even when in love with their partner - they will never have to experience it so probably find it very easy to block out or be ambivalent about.

Honestly OP - you need to stop contacting him - for your own sake, you're going to drive yourself mad.

Sorry perhaps was not clear, I found out I was pregnant due to blood and urine tests for something unrelated when at my GP.
This was aprox 2 weeks after we split up, miscarriage occurred aprox 10 days after finding out. Not sticking up for my ex and his choices just wanted to clarify situation. We both knew I was pregnant, both knew about the miscarriage however at the time it would appear he was spending time with his new person.

I asked him to attend the appointment, however he chose not to, we were together for almost two years before all this happened.

Oh, sorry OP I misunderstood. That's awful and I'm so sorry that happened.

A friend of mine is going through something similar to this, except they have dc's and honestly - I sometimes want to scream at her as she (this is after a year of being split up) obsesses over his feeling for her, how he could do that to her, wanting answers etc. She is justified in feeling this way - no one can tell you how to feel - but what upsets me is that she can't see that she is only hurting herself by constantly checking his social media/keeping in contact with him and trying to have meaningful conversations with him etc. He checked out of the relationship (and also treated her like garbage) but she doesn't see how by keeping in contact with him she is simply massaging his ego (I'm sure he loves having multiple women making themselves fully available to him) and making it a hundred times harder for herself to ever get over what's happened and move on. She lost a ton of weight and is a nervous wreck. It's like banging your head against a brick wall trying to get her to see sense - she too suffers with really low self esteem. She is a lovely, caring person and I bet you are too.

Please don't be like my friend and still be tying yourself in knots over this man months or even years down the line. He so doesn't deserve your tears. 💐