Getting over a break up

[Cee17]

Hello, Apologies for the lengthy post this is my first post and I am looking for some advise and support as I am really struggling at the moment.
My partner left me now aprox 7 weeks ago, we had a few minor arguments but nothing out of the ordinary. He is claiming he was unhappy and did not like the way our relationship was going ( in over a year and a half you could count on one hand the amount of times we argued )
The week before we split he asked for some time and space apart, I never saw him in this week however I did text him, looking for answers and reassurance on our relationship ( which he has not said I made worse and ruined any chances of us getting back together )
He has blocked me on all platforms apart from one where we have had some communication ( although none of it has been very nice, telling me to leave him alone etc, he says he has not blocked me to see if I can manage no contact with him but keeps threatening to block me on that platform also.

He is also seeing someone new at the moment, although he is telling me it is nothing serious they are from the same group of friends and are 'seeing what happens' - it looks as though they have been seeing each other since a week or two after we split, and he did initially lie to me when I asked him outright if he was seeing someone.
He says at the moment all he can tell me is here and now he does not see us being together again but cannot see the future so doesn't know if we could be together again in time.

I would like to hear from anyone who is in / has been in a similar situation as I am really struggling to find away forward and see how things are going to get any better. I feel like I have lost everything with this relationship ending. I cannot eat or sleep, and I am struggling to focus or function on basic tasks / make decisions. I am totally isolating myself from friends as no one seems to understand. I have spoken to my GP who has given me anti depressants however nothing seems to be helping me.

Thanks in advance x

OP he is not worth any more of your tears.

Delete yourself from his social media and block him everywhere else.

He has been cruel. What do you continue to want about him? The perfect 18 month relationship man was just an act. The past 7 weeks has shown that he is entitled, selfish and cruel. Thank your lucky stars you didn't waste any more time on this relationship before you found out.

Have a bath, get a book, get some trashy TV. Pamper yourself, pedicure, lotions and potions, clean bed sheets. Get cosy on couch, in bed during this rainy week. Make some vegetable soup. Eat small amounts, soup followed by chocolate.

You are much better off without him he would start to drag you down.

Do you have a history of mental health issues? your behaviour it’s obsessive . It was a very short relationship that did not work out , it’s very simple, no need to complicate things

OP so sorry you’re going through this. To me it sounds like he’s a commitment phobe. You said you were in a two year relationship, just had a dream holiday and were about to buy a house together; then he broke things off suddenly. To me this sounds like someone who gets cold feet when things become real. You also said you don’t know why you became needy and clingy at the end - I’m 100% sure you became like that in response to him becoming cold/distant/checking out of the relationship. DO NOT blame yourself for this. When a partner is loving and warm we don’t become needy/clingy, it’s when they withdraw and become cold and distant, so it is a completely normal reaction to a horrible change in your partner’s behaviour.

I am going slightly against the grain here by saying I think it’s okay to analyse and obsess and do whatever you need until you find closure. I’ve been in your shoes and any type of distraction didn’t help; I needed to feel the feelings, grieve and try and understand what he did and why. HOWEVER I do agree with everyone that you’ll not find closure by looking at his social media or trying to get answers from him. I got closure by reading up lots and lots on commitment phobia. I can recommend a great book (will post title when I’ve found it) that helped me make sense of my ex’s behaviour and get me closure. More importantly it helped me massively understand my part in it all: while it talks about people with commitment phobia (ie people who run when things become serious) it also explains the counterpart ie why people who go out with a commitment phobe do what they do, allow themselves to be strung along, and chase after someone who is not available.

You sound exactly like I did at the time: what did I do wrong, will he have me back if I change? I felt sick to my stomach for a very long time BUT over time I learned that I had played a part in it, lost all my confidence, allowed myself to be treated badly. That’s what’s happening here too - he is an absolute a*hole wker for saying and doing the things he does. Ie breaking up with you out of the blue, blaming you, making you feel like you’re nuts when he’s clearly unreasonable and also clearly cheated on you, not supporting you through a miscarriage. He is NOT a good person. A decent good person, when they break up with someone, will still be kind, apologetic, but not gaslight them and blame them.. you deserve soooooo much better than him.

You will see this in the end but I believe until then it is okay to obsess and overanalyse by eg posting here, speaking to friends, reading up on similar stories… trying to find your own closure and process things yourself (as he’ll never give you answers, believe me)… but NOT by asking him for answers or trying to find them on his social media, it’ll only drive you insane… also read up on commitment phobia -
once I realised that’s what my ex was I saw many red flags (in hindsight!). Possibly a narcissist? (My ex was one anyway).. also try to find answers as to why you allow people to walk all over you.. take control and build up your strength and your life… focus on every day or every minute, baby steps.. please please please take control by you blocking him on social media..

I promise you you will get over him. One day you’ll realise you’ve not thought about him all day, and it’ll be sooo good. Mine came crawling back by the way; I had dreamt of this happening.. I had become so much healthier, happier, etc and admittedly initially I was looking after myself better purely with the aim that I’d become irresistible and he’d want me back. Well guess what? In the process of truly loving myself and my life I realised what a bullet I’d dodged, so when he did come crawling back I was zero interested anymore.. you will get there, I promise you!

@Cee17 - you've had some excellent advice here and I hope you'll find the strength to follow it. What concerns me, though, is that you say that you...

... have always been a bit of a door mat, given more than I have got back, and been willing to forgive and forget.

You need to knock this on the head!

Channel your energy into looking after yourself, your own interests and what benefits you, not just today but in the long term. Just think what you could do in the time you are currently moving around and wasting time overanalising this relationship with a man who has cheated on you and who has made it abundantly clear that he has left for good!

Try these books - you will find them helpful:

Women who love too much
The six pillars of self-esteem

And please, never think of yourself as a doormat ever again!! 💐

Moping, not moving...

Thank you everyone from the bottom of my heart, you have no idea how much comfort I have taken reading all your replies you have taken the time to send me.

A few of you have commented that it is clear he cheated / had something going on with this other woman before ending it with me, and where this is possible I will never know the truth 100 % as when asked he denied it.
I have re read some of the recent messages from him last night and any time I mention how much it has hurt me, or what he has done or how would he feel if it was the other way round he gets defensive, swears, shuts down the conversation and tells me to leave him alone.
He was never like this when we were together and gave me no reason whatsoever to doubt him or our relationship.

He says he left me as he was not happy and our relationship was not working, and he 'doesn't want to' give it a chance to fix it - partly due to being unhappy partly due to my behaviour ( being needy, fighting for the relationship etc)

I keep asking myself if I had given him space when he asked before our ending our relationship would this have happened ? Did me being needy and clingy push him there or would he have ended up there anyway?

I always tried my best during our relationship to make sure he felt loved, appreciated safe and happy, I guess that just was not enough.

I do have questions about a few of the nights when we came back our holiday before he asked for space, was he where he said he was ? I had no reason to doubt him at the time but now its all swimming about my brain. I know I cannot ask him and even if I did how would I know he was telling the truth since he denied being out with her when I asked.

Does anyone have any advice on how to make peace with not knowing ? is it best to draw your own conclusions ?

I really want to believe he did not cheat on me when he said he never.

Hi OP,

I really feel for you. I’ve been broken up a similar length of time. My ex treated me horribly and I’m pretty sure had his eye on someone else towards the end. You really need to have no contact with him. You won’t get answers because he’s already shown you that he’s not kind or honest. You need to focus on dignity and self-respect.

A few things that have been helping me are imagining bumping into him in a year or two or even six months and having spent that time obsessing over what I could have done differently and thinking about him all the time and seeing that he just doesn’t care and has never thought of me. I don’t want to waste my time obsessing over someone who didn’t care about me enough to treat me well and stay with me. I also wrote down all the times I felt bad about myself during the relationship and I realised it was far more than I had realised.

You talked about being needy but the thing is if someone is good and kind and loves you they want to make you feel secure in the relationship. He’s not a good man. Ask yourself why you still think he’s good enough for you? Another thing is to imagine this had happened to someone else. Would you think that person should spend time trying to work out where she went wrong and what she could have done differently?

I’ve read a lot on Mumsnet that if someone makes you feel horrible about yourself, that’s all you need to know and that has helped me so much when I’ve been trying to analyse what went wrong. You might not see it now but you’ve had a lucky escape. He wasn’t good enough. You deserve someone who would never make you feel the way you do. The first step really is to go no contact. Try it for a month and see how you feel at the end of it.

Listen to him. Leave him alone and get on with your life.

OP, do block the social media. It really will be better, immediately. If you've got any presents or photos or items that remind you of him, put them in a box and tuck them away somewhere else. I promise in six months you'll just lob the whole lot in the bin, but one thing at a time!

I'm about 2 months further in from you in a similar situation. There was someone else in the picture. Did no contact for a while, I think I cried for 6 weeks and got a therapist, then calmed down and we had a chat which turned into a massive row about the other woman. Cried for another 6 weeks, another chat, realised by the callowness that I had meant nothing. My ex is a narc. They'd love bombed, triangulated, devalued and discarded and moved on with new supply. Therapy is really helpful for this stuff. I only started healing for real when I found the anger. My ex will never be allowed near me again. The anger will come. Put yourself first, take care, and block everything, now. I wish I'd done that in the first place rather than crying and feeling mad all summer.

Thank you once again for the replies.

I think I am just really struggling with the fact I have isolated myself ( mainly due to miscarriage ) he is out having the time of his life 'seeing how things go'
with someone else who I will never know the full story unless she was to contact me ( I always find the woman would give the true version of events )

I feel such an idiot as the full relationship I was so happy, we were always doing nice things and spending time together, was welcomed by his family. There really was no signs of anything until the week before he asked for space.

I blamed myself as in I actually believed the breakup was all down to me, the way I spoke during an argument and the fact we had a few petty arguments.
I never even considered there was someone else.
Every time I asked he was so sincere about there being no one else, even when I mentioned the woman in question by name, I should have clicked when he started on the defensive replies such as 'WTF' 'Seriously why are you asking that' 'No I was not out with her'

I know most of the advice on here is to remove him completely from social media ( only have him on one platform as he has blocked me on everything else ) I just cant work out why he has kept me on that one site.

I would not say I was needy until the end but I guess that makes sense that a reaction to his behaviour, but him telling me that my behaviour has ruined any further chances of anything happening between us again at least for the here and now.

I know everyone on here reading this is probably thinking I am a mug for even thinking this, but the fact he has even said to me 'I cant see us being together again just now but I cant see in to the future' - I would love to hear from someone who has been in the same or a similar situation and how they moved forward.

I feel at the moment I am taking no pride in my appearance, no make up, hardly washing my hair, not eating well, I cry every day in the car to and from work. I am hardly able to focus on anything at all other than replaying the conversation.

I know I will be coming across as desperate or whatever just now, I am actually a nice decent person and friends and family keep telling me I could have my pick of the guys.

Even the thought of him 'seeing what happens' with someone else at the moment is not enough to put me off thinking things could work out for us in time. He has been pretty nasty in some of the messages he has sent me, swearing telling me to leave him alone, I feel it is just down to guilt he is acting like that.

You need to leave him alone. He won't tell you the truth and even if he were, things wouldn't be different.
I know it's hard, but you need to slowly move on and do everything in your power to heal. There is no healing if you are clinging on him and the past. He's moved forward and so should you. Things will never be the same between you and him. He has broken you trust and your heart and he is not the person you thought he was. Whatever he is telling you about the future is pure nonsense.
You need to let it go and focus on yourself and mostly the trauma of miscarriage, which I think is one of the reasons you are hurting so much right now and needs to be adressed asap.

Oh my dear girl. I must have missed an earlier post about your miscarriage.

My love, he has left you on one platform in order to show off. Please, please delete it.

He left you, for someone else, he strung you along while he was making his mind up about it. He is, obviously, a total sh*t.

We don't need to worry about that now. We need to worry about you.

You have been badly treated, as much as if you had been robbed or attacked, and you will feel trauma from it. Please believe me that most of what you are feeling is the trauma of bad treatment, and not really loss and love. You can never really love anyone who treats you so cruelly. He's messing with your emotions. Let that stop. Take control, delete him. Pack up any reminders of him, get them away from you.

Do you have any friends you could go away for a few days with? Spend some time on yourself?

We must absolutely get you taking care of your appearance again. Never, ever cut your hair at times like this! The break-up is one thing - the bad haircut would be absolutely disastrous.

I had to write back further - I've now read the earlier post about your miscarriage. I'm so sorry, this is awful.
The man is pond scum. You will see this in time. You really will. However, you've been through something horrible and you need space and distance and to get away from him.
I know you've said you friends have children, and that is upsetting right now. I wonder if you tell a close friend what has happened - all of it - and that you need help, they would understand, and be able to be here for you without bringing their family life into things too much. I hope you have people you can reach to. If you do, I would say do it. You will probably be surprised how much people want to help.
You need someone to go to for support and kindness. It's NOT him! It can't be. You do need to come to terms with that. Look for it elsewhere. I think you know this, that might be why you're on here, which is a good first step. See, you can look after yourself, you can be own best friend, you do know what needs to be done. Do whatever you would tell a friend to do. Reach out to someone else for help. Not him!
i'm sorry you're so unhappy, it will get better, truly.

I agree with everything @EstherTW has said, especially that most of what you are feeling is the trauma of bad treatment, and not really loss and love.

I too somehow missed the information about your miscarriage, and I can understand that this makes everything about the breakup so much more traumatic.

Right now you are pinning so much hope on him saying that he 'cant see us being together again just now but I cant see in to the future'. He is dangling a carrot - please don't fall for his ploys!

Your dignity and self-esteem are worth infinitely more than this scumbag........ surely you can see this? Can you focus your energies on being (cliché alert...sorry!) the best version of yourself?

And do read these books - check them out on Goodreads:
Women who love too much
The six pillars of self-esteem

You have no Idea how much your replies have helped me.

This may be an impossible question to answer, but how can a guy ( who has openly admitted to not having had a chance to think about what happened with the miscarriage ) move on to someone else and be happy without processing what has happened ? I can hardly get out my bed in the mornings and spend my days almost always in tears, do men just not care about things like this ?
Will he see it as a lucky escape ?

It may sound pathetic but I have not contacted my ex since starting this post, Don't get me wrong I want to I want to send just one final message to tell him of my feelings but I think deep down he knows my feelings, he has told me countless times he knows and does not want or need told again. Every time I go to message him I just think how it will end up making him angry / how it will make me feel if he does not reply.

I do not feel strong enough to block him on IG yet however I have stopped checking his page, I feel scared if I block him I will never have any contact from him again and at the moment I cant cope with the thought of that.
As hard as it is for me at the moment I need to accept he is seeing someone new and is not interested in me.

A few of you have mentioned no contact, I am not sure how that works in regards to him seeing someone else, it feels that as long as he is seeing someone else I will not be given a second thought.
I really had my hopes pinned on him coming back and being able to sort things out but I feel I need to let that go as I could hurt myself more in the long run.

I have never suffered from any mental health issues before but my mental state is at an all time low at the moment, he knows this as I have told him and asked him to help me through these dark days ( these are mainly due to the miscarriage )

I found out this morning the company I work for have their own independent charity which offers a range of counselling services etc, I have reached out to them and have a telephone call with them today as the counselling I am going for at the moment is costly and I would probably not be able to keep it up long term.

It is comforting to know I am not alone and it will get better, I am just really struggling with the thought of him being with someone else, it makes me feel sick and brings tears to my eyes, which again I know is pathetic as he lives his life without a second thought for me at the moment.

@Cee17 I think your MH issues were triggered mainly by the miscarriage and then the split. I've been through a miscarriage myself many years ago and it triggered a really bad mix of depression and anxiety. I was on medication and therapy for a while. I also had to work on my well-being by myself a lot (gym, meditation, reading MH related books and articles etc).

My point is you need to put yourself first, it's all about you, not him. You need to love yourself and understand that your self-worth is not determined by him. You need to surround yourself with people that truly care about you.

You can't change the way he chose to move on with his life. Any explanation to your questions won't change the current outcome. Trust me, it gets better and the future you won't give him another chance.

@Cee17 ok I have experience in both dumping and being dumped.

Dumping: once I wasn't interested any more, I found the dumping a chore. I might have said something along the lines of "who knows what the future holds" but in reality the love was gone and I just wanted to get rid of him. He told you that about the future because he just wants to let you down gently (at best) or keep you dangling (at worst). He won't come back

Dumped: I was dumped a few years later and did something similar to you (still no social media but I would walk past his flat and all that). He "tolerated" me. I spent over a year doing this and then I got fed up. Got married and he asked me to meet him 10 years later. I said no way! By then I was married etc and he probably just wanted a shag. I think if I hadn't stalked him and been so invested maybe he would not have broken up. Read "why men love bitches" and BECOME a bitch yourself. I had dark dark thoughts at the time

Once it's broken it's almost impossible to fix. My big regret is having wasted a year after that man. Please get yourself back together and start online dating and all that. I can PROMISE you once you meet someone else you like (no, you probably won't like this new guy as much at the beginning but let feelings develop) you will forget the first guy.

Good luck!

Block him on instagram and do it now. Stop obsessing about what you did wrong and whether he was cheating on you or not. It doesn't matter anymore. He is your ex boyfriend now and you owe it to yourself to become the best version of you and leave him in the past where he belongs.

Start eating healthy food, it will make you feel better, and reconnect with your friends, ask for their support. Organise a night out or a weekend away with them. Plan things to look forward to. Make a future for yourself that doesn't involve him.

I wish I could put in to words exactly how I feel, its almost as if I cant let go of him, the man who got me pregnant, its as if I do not want to accept what has happened and cannot let go it seems too final too real.

I struggle through each day, battling with my own thoughts and my grief when he knows how much it has destroyed me, I constantly check my phone for something, anything from him but it is never there.

I purchased a very small hand painted stone, to remember the loss I/ We have suffered, My ex knows this and has saw a picture commented that it was nice and thanked me for showing him, he agreed ( prior to me knowing he is seeing someone else ) to come with me to lay it at a special place. This may sound silly but I am hoping it gives me some closure.

He knows I have this and would still like us to lay it together - so the ball is sort of in his court to get in touch to arrange this.
Even something as simple as a little gesture to hopefully try and give me some closure is coming down to me relying on him to agree and be there.

I have never dealt with anything like it in my life.

@Cee17 many of us have been there (admittedly without the miscarriage). He doesn't care, doesn't want to come and lay the stone. He's probably relieved that you miscarried. Please please make an effort to get yourself back up together. Also because it might be the only way to have a teeny tiny chance of him coming back (as I said it's unlikely). No one wants a desperate woman (or man).

Sweetie, I think a lot of what you feel for your ex is really how you feel about your miscarriage. You don't have to solve it all at once, in a brutal way. You don't have to let go. You do have to let it drop.

Move your focus to working on yourself. I'm glad you're seeing a counsellor. Think of what has happened as a physical and mental trauma, and try to take care of yourself, with food, exercise, beauty. Little things. Look after you. You've been through something horrid. Help your body heal.

Focus on that, and tell yourself you will come back to all your questions about him and what happened later. I bet that when you do, you won't want to ask them anymore. For now, look after yourself, and do reach out to a friend. Try to go away if you can. Have massages, pedicures, new perfumes or body lotions. Girly things for girls, nothing about beautifying for men! Buy a new top, in a bright colour, and make that your, I am not going to think about him today in my new top, outfit, and wear it for a few hours, and really try. Signpost and landmark times and spaces to let this drop. It doesn't mean you won't come back to it sometime, but you have to have a break, and it should start now. Think of it like that.

I'm sorry if new tops and perfume and bright colours trivialise your loss - I don't mean to, I'm remembering things that work for me when I am ever sad.

Personally, I bought a new t shirt in this lovely fuchsia pink that's fashionable at the moment, and it's cheering up this rainy day no end for me! Find a good bright pink. Try your best not to think about him while you wear it.

How long were you together? Just be kind to yourself xx

We were almost two years.

I sent him a message yesterday asking him if we could lay the stone together sooner rather than later as I feel it will bring me some sort of closure and maybe help me move forward. All I can do now is see if he replies and if he wants to do it together.

Once the stone is done there really will be nothing between us anymore and there would be no option but to move forward.

I also mentioned in my message to him I am devastated he has moved on but I respect his decision and have not yet given up hope that things could work out for us in the future - I am not sure if this was a wise decision saying this or not but it is how I feel and I wanted him to know.

I guess I have really done all I can, said all I can, and the ball is well and truly in his court now.

I hate sounding needy and desperate as that really is not me at all, but I guess grief and heartbreak does funny things to you.