Is this emotional abuse?

[needhelpplease2]

To ignore someone when they are talking to you, just carry on what you're doing and not even look up.

To refuse to engage in a discussion after an argument and just sigh and huff and then walk off when the person tries to talk. Or say "right, fine, whatever". When the person tries to ask if they will contribute to the discussion the reply is "I've got nothing to say".

To walk out / drive off after a disagreement leaving the other person to look after your joint young child.

To tell the other person's family members "I'm planning on leaving her" and then act totally normal with you afterwards and not say that to you.

To get angry when you want to contact them at work - all contact is on your terms. You call when you want to, if the other person says anything about a topic you don't want to discuss "I'm not discussing this now" and / or hang up.

To ignore someone sobbing their heart out and just walk out the door/ room.

When the other person raises an issue or something that upset them and calmly tries to discuss it you get angry, raising you voice, then say "well here's all the things you do wrong"

I'm going crazy here thinking am I the problem? He's convinced me I am.

Yes that’s abuse

Yes, it's called stonewalling.

Thank you. I just needed to know that I wasn't going crazy.

You should not be with someone who treats you this way

How do I go about getting out of this??

What's your situation broadly? What's in the way of you splitting up with him?

Hi OP. We've posted on your other thread and we're just bobbing on here to say that we're so sorry to see that things are so difficult.
We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our page about domestic abuse - www.mumsnet.com/webguide/domestic-violence

Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

@category12

Not married, 1 child together (1 year old), rented house, no mortgage. I work and earn a good salary but currently off sick with the stress of all this. I'm worried I won't survive financially without his income as he will do everything he can to avoid paying maintenance and he sure as hell won't pay anything towards childcare fees, which I can't afford by myself. We also have a joint credit card debt of 2.5k from a holiday we both went on, but the credit card is solely in my name and I'm certain he will stop contributing to that once we split.

@LivMumsnet

Thank you

Credit-card debt is not a priority debt, and in the scale of things, £2.5K isn't that huge . You will be able to make arrangements with them to pay it back at a slower rate - or get it written off if it comes to it (bad for the credit rating for 6 yrs, but not the end of the world, and you can rebuild it).

Have you looked at what help you might be entitled to as a single parent towards childcare and living costs? There are benefits calculators online that'll give you an idea. www.gov.uk/benefits-calculators

Could you downsize to somewhere smaller/cheaper rent-wise?
Do you have family that might help you out financially or practically?

I'm going crazy here thinking am I the problem? He's convinced me I am

The key to life isn't to be able to deal with people and situations like this, it's to avoid them. Create distance between you and anybody/anything that makes you feel you're crazy. That's for the whole rest of your life. Then you'll never have to feel crazy again, and you'll walk away from unhealthy situations. It's lovely when you get the hang of it.

In this particular situation... do you usually feel crazy? When you're with other people? When you're out and about? When you're doing normal stuff, day to day? Are there any other situations in your life that make you feel crazy, or is it just when you're with him? This is a good way of identifying where the toxin is.

Is he self employed? If not, he won't be able to not pay maintenance, it will come pit directly from his salary. Could you stay at a family members house for a month or 2 until you save up some money to rent somewhere else?

@category12

The calculator tells me I'm entitled to around £500 pm in UC despite having an income after tax of around 2,700 - does this seem right? It's with 2 children and childcare costs of £530 ish pm.

My family are not local to this area and can't help financially either unfortunately. Best they can do is emotional support on the phone.

@Watchkeys

He is the only person in the entire world who makes me feel like that .

@firstmummy2019

No he's not self employed

The calculators should come up with reasonably accurate results. Obviously some wiggle room, but gives an idea. Hope it seems doable?

Is moving closer to family/friends an option? Obviously you have work and contact to think of, but support is invaluable.

So, if I said that to you ('I'm totally fine, except when I spend time with this one person, and then I feel like I'm going nuts') what advice would you give me?

The issue here is that you believe him. If he told you that you were an alien lizard from planet zog, and he said it with complete conviction, you'd know he was mad. If he told you that you were 15 feet tall, you'd know he was mad. If he told you that the blue top you were wearing was red with black spots, you'd know he was mad. What is it about 'crazy' that makes you think that, actually, he might be right? What is it that stops you from thinking 'You think I'm crazy? Well, clearly you're off your rocker, mate.'?

Sorry, he's trying to make you believe that you are the cause of some kind of problem, not that you're crazy. But the same applies anyway. Why do you believe him?

Because he gets some of my family involved and they agree with him and say things like "yeah she is hard work I agree"

That's not very nice, of him or them.

Would you ever get his family involved in criticising him? Or would you feel like that would be a simply nasty, self serving thing to do?

Yes it is. Gaslighting and stonewalling. Horrendous OP. Can you keep the tenancy and kick him out?

Oh. Perhaps being nearer family wouldn't be much of a help. Sometimes your family background sets you up to end up with abusive types as an adult.

(Which is another motivation for leaving the relationship - the lessons your dc will learn if you stay.)

No, I can't afford this place on my own

@Watchkeys

I don't ever get his family involved in criticising him, no. I said this to him last night and asked how he would feel if I'd gone to a family event with him and started telling his family I'm leaving him but acting normally around him. It's dreadful behaviour