Is this emotional abuse?

[needhelpplease2]

To ignore someone when they are talking to you, just carry on what you're doing and not even look up.

To refuse to engage in a discussion after an argument and just sigh and huff and then walk off when the person tries to talk. Or say "right, fine, whatever". When the person tries to ask if they will contribute to the discussion the reply is "I've got nothing to say".

To walk out / drive off after a disagreement leaving the other person to look after your joint young child.

To tell the other person's family members "I'm planning on leaving her" and then act totally normal with you afterwards and not say that to you.

To get angry when you want to contact them at work - all contact is on your terms. You call when you want to, if the other person says anything about a topic you don't want to discuss "I'm not discussing this now" and / or hang up.

To ignore someone sobbing their heart out and just walk out the door/ room.

When the other person raises an issue or something that upset them and calmly tries to discuss it you get angry, raising you voice, then say "well here's all the things you do wrong"

I'm going crazy here thinking am I the problem? He's convinced me I am.

Start looking at other places to live, speak to womens aid, have passports and birth certificates in a bag and ready incase you need to leave quickly.

Do you have family nearby you can stay with?

You need to leave OP, it's absolutely abusive

I've messaged my dad asking if I can stay with him for a few days - no reply.

I've messaged my sister and also tried calling her. She's replied saying too busy to talk as she's at work but said just to leave him if I'm
Not happy.

That's the extent of the support from my family.

I've sat with a friend this morning however and told her everything. She was so lovely and said she will help in any way she can. She gave me a hug- my god did I need that hug 😕

"To tell the other person's family members "I'm planning on leaving her" and then act totally normal with you afterwards and not say that to you."

WTF are you with this idiot for get rid

So glad you have some support, your dad might reply too, he may not have seen the message yet

"but said just to leave him if I'm
Not happy.
That's the extent of the support from my family."
But surely you can see she is right

@justaladyLOL

Yeah she is right but it felt blunt and lacking any emotion or empathy compared to her usual style. I think she's one of the ones who allegedly agreed with him that I'm "hard work".

I'm starting to realise I don't have family. Not really. I only have friends and my DC.

@AryaStarkWolf

It's showing as read on WhatsApp. But yeah, maybe he's just busy and will get back to me. It's possible I guess.

Why do you want to be with somebody who is fundamentally this cruel? Why is your query about whether it's abuse? If something makes you feel shit, you can call it 'Fred' or 'Bob' or 'Geraldine' or 'abuse'... it really doesn't matter what it's called or how you label it. Stay away from people who treat you in ways that make you feel shit. It's up to you if something feels like an abuse of you.

@Watchkeys

I'm asking because I've said to him before that he's emotionally abusive when he does some of the things I've listed and he says "no I'm not. It's you who's the problem".

My sanity has gone, I don't know which way is up anymore. I wanted to ask if it's abuse so I can have a reality check, as it feels so awful and he's gaslighting me into believing it's not him it's me.

I don't know if that makes any sense. My self esteem is so low I don't know what to do or think anymore.

Oh ok :( I'm sorry that him and your sister aren't being helpful in that case. Will you be able to stay with your friend for a bit?

But your sanity isn't gone at all. You know exactly how the relationship is making you feel: shit.

Take fault out of it. Take the blame away. There's no point telling an abuser they're abusive anyway. So what if you don't like the way he treats you? There's no pressure on you to enjoy one or another person's company. Be where you feel good. Be with people you feel good with. That's all you need to do. No labels, no blame. Even if you not liking his behaviour is the cause of this problem, that's perfectly fine. Respect your feelings.

IOh ok :( I'm sorry that him and your sister aren't being helpful in that case. Will you be able to stay with your friend for a bit?

i agree with this. Some headspace from him and your family might be best for a few days?

With some time away from the crazy making you could speak to Women’s Aid, keep posting here etc. It would help in regaining your own perspective.

Not good news him isolating you from your own family of origin - but actually, however annoying, and betraying (of him and them), it’s good that you know about it.

Good luck, you can do this and will have support

Not that you’ve lost your own perspective OP. Just that the abuser’s perspective can influence you more if you’re around it too much

Is it bad that I wish I'd never met him? My DD wouldn't exist if I hadn't but it's all I can think 😕

Stop judging yourself. There's no authority looking over you and saying if you've bad or good. You can't choose how you feel (if we could do that, we'd all choose to hate chocolate and love the gym), but you can choose how to behave. If you feel like you wish you hadn't met him, then that's how you feel. There's no need to add a story to it about what that says about you. You're just making it worse for yourself.

My Dad has just offered to help me financially to move out and get a new place. I feel a huge weight lifted 🙂

Oh fantastic!

Brilliant news!

Ah fantastic! So happy he's giving you that much needed help and support. You can do this <3

I'm scared 😭 but I know it's the right decision and I'll be much happier in the longer run.
When I picture my life without that man you know what I feel? Utter relief. No sadness. Just relief.

That is excellent news OP!!
My ex did similiar things. He was also violent but in the end the emotional abuse has scarrred me longer.

My advice is to make your plans to leave quietly and move out without telling him beforehand: get out, get clear, sort out the rest from a safe place. Don't give him opportunity to try to dissuade or coerce you into staying, or ramp up the abuse.

It's a joint tenancy - can I give notice without his permission? How is it going to work without me telling him my plans?