Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

His friend is so off with me, but it’s pointless to mention it?

57 replies

Rainy77 · 05/09/2022 21:24

My long-term partner has a female friend who I probably see about four/five times a year at get togethers. No not much. She is a very outgoing, charismatic person and everyone loves her. However, it seems that every time I see her, she’ll be so friendly initially (kind of overwhelmingly so) and then out of nowhere, towards the end of the evening, she’ll make a catty remark or she’ll shut me down when I’m talking. I’m always kinda stunned when it happens. Anyway, it’s really getting me down and I do dwell on it. I want to be liked I suppose and this person is important to my partner. He can be quite defensive about her. I once commented on something she did and he was upset with me, like I was trying to cause issues.
I dunno, maybe I need to grow a thicker skin?? But I feel upset this eve and he is oblivious to why.
Written down this sounds so silly, but she really reminds me of the sort of person who would have made my life difficult at school. Yeah I know, deep rooted issues!

OP posts:
ganvough · 05/09/2022 22:20

Catty is catty. I have zero tolerance for this so would prob just be cold and distant with her too - tolerating her for DP's sake. And where possible avoiding her completely. She's his friend, not yours. Why do you need to be liked by someone rude?? The thing about rude or catty people people is, when they sense you're affected or needing their validation, they get off on it. It stems from insecurity so knowing someone can feel worse than them is the motivator. Indifference is the best weapon.

However, if he is minimising her rudeness to you or letting it slide, that's not ok. Does she just do it when he isn't in ear shot? As your Dp, he needs to be on YOUR side. And standing up for you if friend is being catty. If he isn't, I would consider how much of a partner he really is. I had this with my DP's best friend - full on snubs. He got defensive initially but I refused to be around her (he could if he wanted) and he realised quickly I was going to be walking away if he didn't stand up for me or shut down bad behaviour. It took longer than I'd have liked tbh but he's ended up going NC with her as her rudeness escalated and it upset him that she was treating me that way.

ganvough · 05/09/2022 22:22

Please do not stay in a situation that upsets you or makes you uncomfortable though. No relationship is worth that.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 05/09/2022 22:52

She knows exactly what she's doing. I would just be polite and make sure I wasn't anywhere near her.

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 05/09/2022 23:00

She is either jealous or for some reason feels threatened by you, either way she's being a dick. I can't stand these nice as pie people who poke you in the eye as soon as no one else is watching. Avoid her like the plague, let your dp know why and make sure he knows that his friendship with her is separate to the relationship with you.

Original poster
Rainy77 · 06/09/2022 09:07

Thanks everyone.

I think I do need to be a little more guarded around her. But you know when someone disarms you friendliness??! But in my heart of hearts I know it’s not genuine. I don’t exactly want to be be standoffish in a social situation too—how exhausting.

It’s tricky knowing how to bring it up as it’s done so subtly. A cutting remark when we’re in a crowded place. Shutting me down when I say something completely neutral. My partner is so oblivious to these things.

I worry about him thinking I’m just trying to cause drama. They’re an incredibly close knit group and like I say, they all hang on her every word. She is really cosseted by them all. Now do I sound jealous? 😛

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainy77 · 06/09/2022 09:08

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 05/09/2022 23:00

She is either jealous or for some reason feels threatened by you, either way she's being a dick. I can't stand these nice as pie people who poke you in the eye as soon as no one else is watching. Avoid her like the plague, let your dp know why and make sure he knows that his friendship with her is separate to the relationship with you.

A perfect description!

OP posts:
dotdotdotdash · 06/09/2022 09:12

You could try the classic Mumsnet retort: 'did you mean to sound rude?'

PutinIsAWarCriminal · 06/09/2022 09:12

@Rainy77 I've got one in my dh's family, can you tell? 🤣 The Queen of one upmanship, petty passive aggressive digs and put downs, whilst being faux wide eyed and smiling, innocently fluttering her eyelashes. Its insecurity.

Zuyi · 06/09/2022 09:14

Like, what kind of catty remark?

IncompleteSenten · 06/09/2022 09:15

Ask her to repeat the statement.

Sorry X, I didn't catch that. Can you say it a bit louder?

Then, depending on what she said, ask a nice follow up question to show your interest in the subject.

VanillaParkersBowl · 06/09/2022 09:16

My partner is so oblivious to these things yet He can be quite defensive about her

Are you sure he's all that oblivious? Who do you think means more to him, her or you, OP?

2pinkginsplease · 06/09/2022 09:17

Oh I have a family member like this, nice as pie when she has an audience but get me alone and she is nasty. Thankfully dh has listened to my concerns and makes sure I’m never alone with her at family events.

Workinghardeveryday · 06/09/2022 09:20

Tell us more about the remarks she makes, really depends what she is saying, ie, is it possible you have taken them out of context?

if not as pp said I would ask her to repeat, if catty I would laugh as if it was a joke, not show at all I was bothered by her. If she talks over you, talk over her right back

yousexybugger · 06/09/2022 09:56

Repeat her shitty comments aloud to her and ask what she means. If she cuts you off, say 'I wasn't finished there, Mary!'. Say a cheerful'hi' then just walk off during the friendly stage. Basically don't entertain her shit. Not your problem to work out why she gets her kicks this way.

Wombat27A · 06/09/2022 09:59

If he's defensive about her, there's more going on...

I'd say you have a DP problem here.

mugcup · 06/09/2022 10:02

Do they have history? There's definitely something weird. I would be a bit suss if my partner had a female friend that he was overly defensive of. She's being catty for a reason so she either likes him and can't have him or doesn't like you for something you've done.

forrestgreen · 06/09/2022 10:08

Basically he's not interested in putting you first. So I guess you either put up with it, say you're disappointed in him not supporting you and refuse to meet up with her (although I think that's what she wants, no competition) or end the relationship. I don't see the option where he finishes with her being viable.

ganvough · 06/09/2022 10:26

Rainy77 · 06/09/2022 09:07

Thanks everyone.

I think I do need to be a little more guarded around her. But you know when someone disarms you friendliness??! But in my heart of hearts I know it’s not genuine. I don’t exactly want to be be standoffish in a social situation too—how exhausting.

It’s tricky knowing how to bring it up as it’s done so subtly. A cutting remark when we’re in a crowded place. Shutting me down when I say something completely neutral. My partner is so oblivious to these things.

I worry about him thinking I’m just trying to cause drama. They’re an incredibly close knit group and like I say, they all hang on her every word. She is really cosseted by them all. Now do I sound jealous? 😛

Why are you worried about causing drama? It's your feelings and they matter more than his or his friend group. They don't care about upsetting you, do they....

I would just avoid all situations where she'll be. And if your bf has a problem with it, explain that you will not be put in an awkward situation with no support from him. You're not a puppy following him around all obedient. You're right that being stand offish is exhausting when it's not your natural way. So you can either be OTT sweet with her even when she's being catty. Or you can blank her. Or you can just not go. Spend time with your own friends instead.

As for her and DP - it's likely there's something more that has gone on. If he's being defensive. In my situation it turned out that she had feelings for him the whole time, he was aware of it deep down though didn't reciprocate but didn't want to lose the friendship's conveniences. So was always defensive if anyone commented on her behaviour.

So ask yourself - who does he value more, you or her? And do you really want a partner who minimises your feelings and let's others treat you poorly...This isn't about causing upset in the group, it's about having boundaries around how you are treated.

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 10:33

I think you'll have to give examples for anyone to be able to say either way

As some people are over sensitive and will perceive a normal comment as catty

Not saying you are, but there is that possibility

notsosoftanymore · 06/09/2022 11:56

nutellachurro As some people are over sensitive and will perceive a normal comment as catty

This thread has echoes for me. In particular, a former work colleague of DPs who keeps in touch with him and he is cagey and defensive about her and insists she is just the one who keeps in touch with everyone (nosey? insecure?). Luckily I don't have to see her and he tells me if she's been in touch because I kicked up about what she wanted.

nutellachurro isn't suggesting that someone has misperceived a normal comment because they are over sensitive a form of gaslighting?

I'm asking for clarity and hoping some posters will answer because gaslighting confuses me. Supposing the woman in OPs post answers a challenge with 'I didn't mean that at all' or 'I was only joking' or 'I have no idea what you mean'?

If you heard something and your interpretation felt right to you, how can it be that you could also be completely wrong? Could it be that they really didn't mean it but then, as a result, if you decide that you are over sensitive, doesn't that mean you start to doubt anything you hear and react to?

This whole stuff has echoes of bullying for me and it's very uncomfortable to be in a social situation where it happens and you feel that someone is getting at you but others can't see it and you end up feeling that it's you??

Pinkdelight3 · 06/09/2022 12:47

My first thought - because you said it's always at the end of the night that she does this - is that she's had a few drinks and is the kind who gets unpleasant in that state - is that the case, are drinks being had?

Original poster
Rainy77 · 06/09/2022 12:59

notsosoftanymore · 06/09/2022 11:56

nutellachurro As some people are over sensitive and will perceive a normal comment as catty

This thread has echoes for me. In particular, a former work colleague of DPs who keeps in touch with him and he is cagey and defensive about her and insists she is just the one who keeps in touch with everyone (nosey? insecure?). Luckily I don't have to see her and he tells me if she's been in touch because I kicked up about what she wanted.

nutellachurro isn't suggesting that someone has misperceived a normal comment because they are over sensitive a form of gaslighting?

I'm asking for clarity and hoping some posters will answer because gaslighting confuses me. Supposing the woman in OPs post answers a challenge with 'I didn't mean that at all' or 'I was only joking' or 'I have no idea what you mean'?

If you heard something and your interpretation felt right to you, how can it be that you could also be completely wrong? Could it be that they really didn't mean it but then, as a result, if you decide that you are over sensitive, doesn't that mean you start to doubt anything you hear and react to?

This whole stuff has echoes of bullying for me and it's very uncomfortable to be in a social situation where it happens and you feel that someone is getting at you but others can't see it and you end up feeling that it's you??

Thanks for this, it’s made me feel seen and that’s really cathartic! Your last sentence is exactly how I feel. It’s quite a lonely feeling.

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 06/09/2022 13:04

This whole stuff has echoes of bullying for me and it's very uncomfortable to be in a social situation where it happens and you feel that someone is getting at you but others can't see it and you end up feeling that it's you??

She does sound manipulative, wonder if she's trying to goad a reaction so she can't then play the wounded fawn and get attention and protection from big meanie @Rainy77 ?

nutellachurro · 06/09/2022 13:08

notsosoftanymore · 06/09/2022 11:56

nutellachurro As some people are over sensitive and will perceive a normal comment as catty

This thread has echoes for me. In particular, a former work colleague of DPs who keeps in touch with him and he is cagey and defensive about her and insists she is just the one who keeps in touch with everyone (nosey? insecure?). Luckily I don't have to see her and he tells me if she's been in touch because I kicked up about what she wanted.

nutellachurro isn't suggesting that someone has misperceived a normal comment because they are over sensitive a form of gaslighting?

I'm asking for clarity and hoping some posters will answer because gaslighting confuses me. Supposing the woman in OPs post answers a challenge with 'I didn't mean that at all' or 'I was only joking' or 'I have no idea what you mean'?

If you heard something and your interpretation felt right to you, how can it be that you could also be completely wrong? Could it be that they really didn't mean it but then, as a result, if you decide that you are over sensitive, doesn't that mean you start to doubt anything you hear and react to?

This whole stuff has echoes of bullying for me and it's very uncomfortable to be in a social situation where it happens and you feel that someone is getting at you but others can't see it and you end up feeling that it's you??

Another poster who doesn't seem to understand what gaslighting is. It's become this sites new 'narcissist'

Some people do read or hear comments differently based on their own biases, experience, and yes sensitivities. Pointing out that basic fact isn't gaslighting.

Hence why it's a bit silly to not list some examples as we can't know if the friend is being catty or whether the OP is being overly sensitive.

Original poster
Rainy77 · 06/09/2022 13:08

Thanks for all the considerate comments. Glad I didn’t post this in AIBU!

Funnily enough, they did have a brief will they won’t they thing, never actually came to anyway, as students. But I genuinely don’t think there’s anything there now so I’m not going to let that cloud things. He generally hates any kind of conflict and I think that’s what this comes down to (ironically, it is exactly that that causes us ).

I wont really go into the specifics of the comments but it’s like I will say the most ordinary thing and she’ll just jump on it and attack it. It’s so weird and comes out of nowhere.
I was bullied when I was younger and some people just ring an alarm bell all these years later.

tbh though, it’s not really so much her that’s the issue, it’s my partner and how he will react to me dragging up one little comment from an otherwise pleasant evening. That’s when I start to wonder if I should let these things go.

OP posts: