His friend is so off with me, but it’s pointless to mention it?

[Rainy77]

My long-term partner has a female friend who I probably see about four/five times a year at get togethers. No not much. She is a very outgoing, charismatic person and everyone loves her. However, it seems that every time I see her, she’ll be so friendly initially (kind of overwhelmingly so) and then out of nowhere, towards the end of the evening, she’ll make a catty remark or she’ll shut me down when I’m talking. I’m always kinda stunned when it happens. Anyway, it’s really getting me down and I do dwell on it. I want to be liked I suppose and this person is important to my partner. He can be quite defensive about her. I once commented on something she did and he was upset with me, like I was trying to cause issues.
I dunno, maybe I need to grow a thicker skin?? But I feel upset this eve and he is oblivious to why.
Written down this sounds so silly, but she really reminds me of the sort of person who would have made my life difficult at school. Yeah I know, deep rooted issues!

Possibly!

The fact you were bullied when younger does put another tick in the 'potentially overthinking' box.

It can make you more sensitive to tone and comments made.

Ok, all I can say is that I don’t think I am. It’s a sudden switch and it happens every time. Weirdly
so.

@Rainy77

You asked whether you need to develop a thicker skin

No one can say based on what you've posted

If you don't enjoy her company just don't attend events she is present

tbh though, it’s not really so much her that’s the issue, it’s my partner and how he will react to me dragging up one little comment from an otherwise pleasant evening. That’s when I start to wonder if I should let these things go.

So you'll keep quiet about somebody potentially bullying you to keep your partner happy? How would you feel if it was your friend or family member saying that? Would you want that for them?

She sounds jealous of you, does she have a crush on your partner?

I would avoid such a person and if you cannot be cold and distant ( polite, but nothing else).

My ex had a friend from uni like this. She so obviously fancied him. She was off with me at our first social meeting, I could just tell she was jealous of me, it was that obvious, and then when I complained to my ex, she apologised in the most obsequious manner 🤮 She was then always friendly but it was fake. I had ten years of having to socialise with her. Was v relieved when I left my ex to also leave her and her equally awful fawning bunch of cronies she hung around with.

DH now would never put up with any of his friends treating me with anything but kindness and respect. Fortunately all of his mates are amazing. He just wouldn’t have an idiot friend like my ex did 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ok thanks. I feel I have received enough advice and I don’t really want to go into much more detail. I appreciate your help though.

That’s true

Who decides what normal is? If you say things to me and I don't like the way they sound, I need to stay away from you, regardless of which of us is 'normal'.

If OP gives examples, we won't be able to hear tone of voice, see facial expression etc. Which of us will be the authority to have the final decision on whether any quoted comment is 'normal'? Would you deem yourself to be an authority on this?

nutellachurro Another poster who doesn't seem to understand what gaslighting is. It's become this sites new 'narcissist'
Some people do read or hear comments differently based on their own biases, experience, and yes sensitivities. Pointing out that basic fact isn't gaslighting.
Hence why it's a bit silly to not list some examples as we can't know if the friend is being catty or whether the OP is being overly sensitive.

Yes, but if someone just relates a couple of repeated sentences to us and we read them, it will be completely out of context so I don't accept that it will then be clear whether the interchange is catty or vv received overly sensitively. There is heavyweight gaslighting easy to see and there is something on the edge......

I think this is about gut feelings really and actually you can't easily express those accurately in writing unless you are a very skilled novelist.

Rainy77 I just reread your post and your description of a charismatic, outgoing person who everyone loves and it suddenly reminded me of someone I've known for years who is now only a 'Facebook' friend. This woman holds court on FB, collects 'friends', is kind of grandiose in manner and flaunts her busy life and friendships yet I've seen her suddenly turn nastily on someone who says something she doesn't like or who suggests something against her prevailing story about herself or her values. She has always stated how much she values my friendship and then recently, when I commented that she always seemed busy when I suggested meeting, responded by saying that I'd once cancelled a visit so she wasn't prepared to organise another! Imagined royalty came to mind!! This woman has, though, a complete audience of devoted followers who send hugs and hang on every word.

The mysteries of people. I suppose I'm trying to say that I don't understand charismatic people that others seem to love but when you get caught in their circle, or someone you are in a relationship with does, then it's difficult to walk away. And even if you don't see her, if your DP continues to and doesn't like you to mention anything that she says, then it's a real thorn in the flesh. I'm in relationship with a people pleaser who always likes to see the best in people and hates conflict. All very well for him but it's not always easy to live with.

@Rainy77

Ok, all I can say is that I don’t think I am

Good. You are the authority on you. Nobody can tell you that you are 'overthinking' or 'too sensitive' because there is no objective 'correct' level of thinking or sensitivity. You be who you are. Your responsibility isn't to try to fit in with people who think you think too much or tell you you're too sensitive. All they're saying is that you think too much for their liking, or you're too sensitive for them. Which is fine. Find people who interpret things in a similar way to you, rather than making you feel you're doing 'being you' wrongly.

There isn't 'heavy' gaslighting

Ffs some on here need a dictionary and some wine

... and some need to stop thinking that they're the authority on the subject...

Authority on what? Understanding what gaslighting is?

Weird you've picked this battle but ok

Words have meaning, you can't call something gaslighting and not expect to be pulled up on it if using the term incorrectly

@Watchkeys

The OP asked if she needs to develop a thicker skin

The majority dictate the norm

So the only way to tell would be to provide examples

No one can tell whether she is over reacting and needs to develop a thicker skin if they don't know what was said. Some people deem very innocuous comments as catty or mean, its seen all the time on this site.

A persons past can dictate how they feel about certain comments, which is no reflection of the person saying it.

My husband for example was raised in an abusive home and cannot stand raised voices. It really upsets him. He will react to a raised voice even if I stub my toe and shout at the door frame that attacked me.

In this instance I had a normal reaction to a painful experience. His reaction was abnormal due to his sensitivities.

Righto @nutellachurro , you know best. I wasn't picking a battle. It's not worth battling when someone clearly thinks they know better.

Sorry for the derail, OP.

I might not know best but I sure seem to know more than you do on basic subjects, definitions of words and what constitutes as 'normal'

You certainly do. Don't tag me again, thanks.

Thanks so much for this x

Thank you, think I needed to hear this :)

Ok, this evening I’m going to say something like ‘Wasn’t it strange how — suddenly got a bit nasty at the weekend?’ And then elaborate.

I’m not 100% on how much he heard. It’s amazing how he misses these things isn’t it? Well, he actually saw me pull a face after she’d walked away the last time, and asked me what was wrong. I gave him quite a simplified version of the exchange, but he didn’t say anything else and I let it go.

I’m going to try to be quite emotionless about it, and see how he reacts. The last time I was tearful so I think he reacted to that.

God, I’m making him sound horrible but he’s a actually a lovely person. His loveliness is just dinted a little by a tendency to be slightly..spineless. It’s always bothered me, and it does need addressing.

I think it's a bit dangerous to be 'trying to be' this way or that. Last time when you talked to him, you were being 100% pure you, in your natural form. You don't want to have to be putting on an act or a front to get what you want from your partner.

If you think he's being spineless, you could tell him the truth? 'X said something unpleasant, and when I was upset about it, you didn't really respond, and I felt like you didn't have my back.' You don't have to ask him to do anything. Just see if he makes any changes as a bit of time goes by. If not, he knows the score. He's choosing not to have your back. And then you can make decisions accordingly.

Good luck tonight u must come back and report what he said

If she throws a dig at you call on her bullshit, better in public. It will keep her mouth shut and will send a message that you’re not to be messed with.