Please help me write a "divorce" letter to my sister

[Namechangefail123]

I wrote about it the other day, but after a massive fallout (that she has since apologised but that's by the by) I just want to go separate ways from my sister. I don't hate her, but I think my life would be better if I never had to see her again. Unfortunately we still have to manage our parents' estate which is the main tricky part about this. Any help in what to put in said letter is really welcome.

My parents are finally divorcing. There's a document that says the business is my DMs. My father has had a partner for the past 15 years or so.

Why is there a document saying the business is your Mothers?

It was part of the divorce settlement. Quite frankly I think that document is void as that property has been mine for almost 20 years.

Blimey, it gets worse!

Yes, it pretty bad! Me not getting along with my sister is either the tip 9f the iceberg or a by-product of the family dynamics

You've both been thrown under a bus by your father. Which is very sad. It's up to your mother to be honest with your sister

You could just ghost her like my sister did.

I think my mother has been honest. However my sister has called her manipulative and a thief. To my sister my father is someone that we should help no matter what. I disagree

You all sound so crooked

you don’t seem to understand your sisters point of view at all

she has to stay in touch because she is terrified that you won’t honour your word

she just feel insecure and mistrustful if you and that’s why she keep a banging on about the business being your fathers

And it’s really not your money to divide into quarters unfortunately

divide it into two - one share being your mothers

I'll do whatever my mother and father decide. It has to come from both of them though and not Chinese whispers which is the only thing I've ever heard.

Unfortunately we live in different countries

This is the only relevant part - you do not have to have a relationship with your sister; you don't even have to see her. No letter needed, no drama.

The detail you've provided here is appalling. Your parents sound morally bankrupt. You seem to be in a legal mess. Nothing points to it being exclusively your sister's fault, and you seem indifferent to your sister's point of view.

Get some legal advice, as everyone has said. Sort this out as fairly as you can for you & your sister (forget your awful parents). And if you don't want to have a relationship with her, just don't.

But wake up to the reality of her difficulty as much as yours.

Why would you do that?

My parents mess is only part of it. Regardless of it, I've always had a fractured relationship with her. Every single time she's always been nosey and critical. Some things have been very much black and white though. I think you never date your sister's bully. Especially if that bully created all sort of self esteem issues. Or maybe she could have dated him and keep it to herself. I didn't need to know how good in bed he was or not.

OP there are layers of issues here.

Legally, get advice

Your sister - you don't need to see her or talk to her, other than legally re the family business matters. So stop giving it so much headspace.

Normally I don't give it this much headspace. It's only because she visited for a week that all of it has come back.

OP, what do you hope to accomplish through this letter? Because if you've already told her, 13 years ago, that you didn't want anything to do with her, advanced notice seems to do nothing.

It's a distraction. Leave it. Don't write it. And if you write, for God's sake, don't send it.

Instead, sort out the enormous legal mess you seem to be in (I really, really hope you have good representation).

Disentangle yourself. Do something morally fair (split things equally). Get therapy. Avoid town when she comes in. Live in your own country in your own life, peacefully.

You sound immature and an attention seeker. Grow up.

The last two posts illustrate the best and worst of mumsnet quite beautifully.

deal with the business side of things as professional as you can and wait till it’s all
over to write that letter. Writing her a letter in the midst of sorting out your parents state is only going to
muddle things up and make it much harder. First things first.

Don't write a letter. Don't visit her. Don't invite her to visit you. Block her number or ignore all her calls. Keep all correspondence to email and only respond when there is a question about legal/business matters. If, when you visit your parents, she might be there then get a nearby hotel. Just don't engage. A letter is going to open up a world of drama.

BTW, if your Mum still lives in the house, unless she pays the owners of the house (you and your sister) equivalent of a market rent it will still count as hers for inheritance tax purposes.

As it was given away 20 years ago it may not be counted as hers if payment for care is needed though

I think NC is extreme. Why not just keep your boundaries but still be in contact. I think NC is a terrible place to be. No one's perfect and unless there has been serious abuse, I think doors should always be left open.

“The detail you've provided here is appalling. Your parents sound morally bankrupt. You seem to be in a legal mess. Nothing points to it being exclusively your sister's fault, and you seem indifferent to your sister's point of view.

Get some legal advice, as everyone has said. Sort this out as fairly as you can for you & your sister (forget your awful parents). And if you don't want to have a relationship with her, just don't.”

This. Presumably you know this all sounds like something out of the Sopranos.

You and your sister both seem to be victims of your parents’ shenanigans.

You seem very unclear on the true legal position and very trusting of your parents’ arrangements despite your father being a convicted criminal now in prison and your mother having been happy to go along with him. Also, the arrangements may have different legal implications in different countries so even if okay in one country, they may not be elsewhere. You seem unaware of how exposed you might truly be, OP.

who said crime doesn't pay!