Hi all.
Hope it's ok for a guy to post and ask for unbiased opinions from women, here.
Quick background - I have been with my SO for just over 23 years and have a wonderful teenage boy together, which we are both very proud of and love very much. Over the last few years, I have been suffering from depression and a lot of stress at work - something that has made me very withdrawn and and quiet when at home with SO (I am a teacher and I have found faking enthusiasm and positivity in front of the classes I take for so long exhausting!).
Recently, it all came to a head and I bit the bullet, sought medical advice from my GP and was signed off work for a few months. I knew my mental health was impacting the relationship (I can see how it must be just as hard living with someone with depression as it is for the person suffering the illness, themselves) and was determined to turn over a new leaf and not let my stresses at work destroy my personal life.
Since taking time off, I've made a real effort to pick myself up and address the concerns of my SO. I've been upbeat and chatty, stopped moping around (I used to often sleep in late after staying up at night, drowning my sorrows, alone). I've also been very proactive with things like house work and cooking etc. (these were the main things my SO would , rightly, complain about. She felt we 'led separate lives' and I wanted to fix that.
Anyway, over the Summer, we all had lovely, active camping holidays and really started to enjoy each other's company, again (and also became a lot more affectionate with each other). Alongside this, I started to feel a lot better in terms of my mental health and we both felt things were back on track (or at least heading in the right direction).
However, recently, SO had been invited to her friend's Golden Anniversary party (which was just after the end of our scheduled holidays) I have never met this group of her friends as, as far as I understood it, it was always the girls going out for afternoon tea, them maybe drinks back at one of their houses. I'm fine with this (it's healthy) and I gladly just acted as the taxi driver when needed (dropping SO off and picking her up, often late at night - I would never meet any of the others as SO would say 'Text me when you're outside and I'll come out'.
Over the course of the holidays, I expressed an interest in meeting her friends and I knew some of them brought husbands and boyfriends along on certain evenings (I know some male partners would be invited in to the house when picking up their SOs for a quick chat and a cuppa etc). She said, 'if anything comes up when there are partners involved, I'll let you know.
A few days before the Golden Wedding anniversary party, I noticed the invitation card on the bed side table. It looked a really funny, quirky card (in a good way) so I opened it up to have a read. My heart sank when I noticed her invitation had 'and guest'/+1 written after her name. I tried to keep my cool for days and just dropped hints like asking about/paying interest in her friends, saying the venue looks lovely and that I was jealous there was a buffet there (love a good buffet!) and that I was at a loose end that night (son was over my parents) and that I didn't want to be alone and wanted to be around people, if possible. I even bought some roses for the couple as a gift for my SO to take with her.
Anyway, no reaction - she was very cagey about the whole thing untill I couldn't take it anymore and confronted her, showing the card and pointing out the +1. We discussed at length - she didn't invite me as, at the time of invite, I was in my pit of depression and she felt we weren't getting along. When I said, 'well, we've been getting on great, recently?' she said, 'I can't change it now at this late notice and the host has already mentioned the numbers are getting high'. I pleaded with her to just try and see if it was still ok for me to come. I thought this would be good because she mentioned our 'separate lives' upsetting her in the past so thought this would be a way of joining us up a bit (and I thought excluding would make the situation worse - especially in a wedding anniversary party, where you celebrate partnership and relationships).
She emailed the host and it was fine for me to come, so all good! (Although I still didn't feel great about it because I had to coax it out of her). The party and the people were lovely and it was great to meet everyone. However, a few revelations put me on the spot, a little. The hosts commented that it was nice of me to come and that they 'don't see much of me at these get togethers'. In fact, they had never met me, before! I made the excuse that this was the first night that we managed to find a baby sitter! It also became apparent that SO had discussed my mental health issues with this group of friends - people that, untill this night, were complete strangers to me!
So, and sorry for the vast preamble - am I justified in being really upset by all this?
We've chatted since (SO and I) and she maintains that it's only recently become a couples thing and that she didn't invite me to the get togethers as it 'was her escape of having to deal with my mental health issues. But it seemed clear, to me that all the couples knew each other very well (although SO did say, if I knew we'd be getting on when she got the invite, she would have asked me to come).
But with so many of the things that has upset me about all this, she is still being very cagey and not admitting any fault (she may not be at fault - that's for you guys to decide!). When I said the host said he hasn't seen much of me in these get togethers (never, in truth), SO said, 'Well I haven't been to many, either!', ignoring the fact that whilst meant he hasn't seen me as much in comparison to her.
I asked her if she'd divulged anything regarding my mental health to her friends and she said no. I then said, 'sorry, I should say "what have you said" because it's clear from taking to them that they know about me". She played this down and said that she may have mentioned, in passing, that I'm taking some time off work. I asked her she thought it was ok to share that with other people and she seemed indifferent, so I politely asked if she could, from now on, not discuss my private matters with others, please.
What does everyone think? Should I be worried? I get that she wanted time away from me but still feel really left out and excluded (when I've tried so hard to be inclusive in this period of rebuilding the relationship - and prior, for that matter, as I've always wanted my friends to be her friends).
Why is she being so cagey and like she's done nothing wrong?
Please help! All opinions welcome!
PS I really loved her and want us to be together, happy forever.
Thank you in advance for any responses x