Need Unbiased Views on SO actions

[TryingToSelfBetter]

Hi all.
Hope it's ok for a guy to post and ask for unbiased opinions from women, here.

Quick background - I have been with my SO for just over 23 years and have a wonderful teenage boy together, which we are both very proud of and love very much. Over the last few years, I have been suffering from depression and a lot of stress at work - something that has made me very withdrawn and and quiet when at home with SO (I am a teacher and I have found faking enthusiasm and positivity in front of the classes I take for so long exhausting!).

Recently, it all came to a head and I bit the bullet, sought medical advice from my GP and was signed off work for a few months. I knew my mental health was impacting the relationship (I can see how it must be just as hard living with someone with depression as it is for the person suffering the illness, themselves) and was determined to turn over a new leaf and not let my stresses at work destroy my personal life.

Since taking time off, I've made a real effort to pick myself up and address the concerns of my SO. I've been upbeat and chatty, stopped moping around (I used to often sleep in late after staying up at night, drowning my sorrows, alone). I've also been very proactive with things like house work and cooking etc. (these were the main things my SO would , rightly, complain about. She felt we 'led separate lives' and I wanted to fix that.

Anyway, over the Summer, we all had lovely, active camping holidays and really started to enjoy each other's company, again (and also became a lot more affectionate with each other). Alongside this, I started to feel a lot better in terms of my mental health and we both felt things were back on track (or at least heading in the right direction).

However, recently, SO had been invited to her friend's Golden Anniversary party (which was just after the end of our scheduled holidays) I have never met this group of her friends as, as far as I understood it, it was always the girls going out for afternoon tea, them maybe drinks back at one of their houses. I'm fine with this (it's healthy) and I gladly just acted as the taxi driver when needed (dropping SO off and picking her up, often late at night - I would never meet any of the others as SO would say 'Text me when you're outside and I'll come out'.

Over the course of the holidays, I expressed an interest in meeting her friends and I knew some of them brought husbands and boyfriends along on certain evenings (I know some male partners would be invited in to the house when picking up their SOs for a quick chat and a cuppa etc). She said, 'if anything comes up when there are partners involved, I'll let you know.

A few days before the Golden Wedding anniversary party, I noticed the invitation card on the bed side table. It looked a really funny, quirky card (in a good way) so I opened it up to have a read. My heart sank when I noticed her invitation had 'and guest'/+1 written after her name. I tried to keep my cool for days and just dropped hints like asking about/paying interest in her friends, saying the venue looks lovely and that I was jealous there was a buffet there (love a good buffet!) and that I was at a loose end that night (son was over my parents) and that I didn't want to be alone and wanted to be around people, if possible. I even bought some roses for the couple as a gift for my SO to take with her.

Anyway, no reaction - she was very cagey about the whole thing untill I couldn't take it anymore and confronted her, showing the card and pointing out the +1. We discussed at length - she didn't invite me as, at the time of invite, I was in my pit of depression and she felt we weren't getting along. When I said, 'well, we've been getting on great, recently?' she said, 'I can't change it now at this late notice and the host has already mentioned the numbers are getting high'. I pleaded with her to just try and see if it was still ok for me to come. I thought this would be good because she mentioned our 'separate lives' upsetting her in the past so thought this would be a way of joining us up a bit (and I thought excluding would make the situation worse - especially in a wedding anniversary party, where you celebrate partnership and relationships).

She emailed the host and it was fine for me to come, so all good! (Although I still didn't feel great about it because I had to coax it out of her). The party and the people were lovely and it was great to meet everyone. However, a few revelations put me on the spot, a little. The hosts commented that it was nice of me to come and that they 'don't see much of me at these get togethers'. In fact, they had never met me, before! I made the excuse that this was the first night that we managed to find a baby sitter! It also became apparent that SO had discussed my mental health issues with this group of friends - people that, untill this night, were complete strangers to me!

So, and sorry for the vast preamble - am I justified in being really upset by all this?

We've chatted since (SO and I) and she maintains that it's only recently become a couples thing and that she didn't invite me to the get togethers as it 'was her escape of having to deal with my mental health issues. But it seemed clear, to me that all the couples knew each other very well (although SO did say, if I knew we'd be getting on when she got the invite, she would have asked me to come).

But with so many of the things that has upset me about all this, she is still being very cagey and not admitting any fault (she may not be at fault - that's for you guys to decide!). When I said the host said he hasn't seen much of me in these get togethers (never, in truth), SO said, 'Well I haven't been to many, either!', ignoring the fact that whilst meant he hasn't seen me as much in comparison to her.

I asked her if she'd divulged anything regarding my mental health to her friends and she said no. I then said, 'sorry, I should say "what have you said" because it's clear from taking to them that they know about me". She played this down and said that she may have mentioned, in passing, that I'm taking some time off work. I asked her she thought it was ok to share that with other people and she seemed indifferent, so I politely asked if she could, from now on, not discuss my private matters with others, please.

What does everyone think? Should I be worried? I get that she wanted time away from me but still feel really left out and excluded (when I've tried so hard to be inclusive in this period of rebuilding the relationship - and prior, for that matter, as I've always wanted my friends to be her friends).

Why is she being so cagey and like she's done nothing wrong?

Please help! All opinions welcome!

PS I really loved her and want us to be together, happy forever.

Thank you in advance for any responses x

You badgered her into taking you to an event she didn’t want you at. That was inconsiderate and unacceptable. She’s allowed to have friends separate from you and quite frankly bloody needs them while she’s been supporting you and your mental health crisis.

She also needs to unload her stresses and worries with her mates. That’s normal. You are/were the source of the stress, so of course she’s going to discuss your issues with her pals. She then, quite naturally, found it awkward when you were trying to insert yourself into the group of friends.

You sound very self-involved, centring everything on what YOU think you should be invited to.

This is not your gang. Apologise to
your partner for thrusting yourself into a social setting she’d rather you hadn’t.

I understand that but she did say she would have not responded without the "plus one" some months ago if she had known things were going to be as good as they were by the time of the party.

With your endless hints about how bored and alone you would be, she had ample opportunity to change her mind and invite you. She didn’t.

You bullied her into texting for a late inclusion (rude!) when anyone with a scrap of sensitivity would have let the matter drop.

Reading this made me feel uncomfortable and suffocated. Your wife is entitled to her own friendships. She gets to socialise without you and isn’t required to bring you along even if she has a plus one.

Your behaviour - the hints and wheedling - to get her to take you along, when it was perfectly clear she didn’t want to, is unacceptable. Why do you think this is something to which you’re entitled?

And, no, meeting people once does not make you ‘part of the gang’. Let this poor woman breathe. The fact that you’ve had a few months ‘back on track’ doesn’t mean you get to install yourself in all parts of her life. You are coming across as spectacularly self absorbed.

But she has to say that doesn't she? Now that you've badgered her into letting you go with her!

You just need to drop it quote frankly. Leave the poor woman alone and stop making her tie herself in knots.trying to keep you happy.

@TryingToSelfBetter
There is a difference between not leading separate lives - where one of the partners has a different schedules and keeps different routines, in addition to lack of general closeness.
And - having a normal adult relationship, where partners do many things together, while still maintaining a certain degree of individuality.
I am sure you and your W have joint couples fiends. Or can find do other/new things to do together.

There is absolutely no reason why you need to force yourself into her established group of friends with an established dynamics.
You are not ‘one of the gang’. These women are her ‘tribe’ and her support group when needed. You have absolutely no right to complain or query her sharing her problems with them - and you being part of the ‘issues’ in the last while. This is what many women do - we rely on our friends support to get through difficult patches.
I can absolutely see why she’d like to protect that part of her life from including you. At least for now.

If she at some point feels like SHE wants to include you, great. But it has to be on her terms. Don’t force her to. You have no right to do so.

Just because you are now making an effort to be a better H - doesn’t erase the past. Stop being selfish and let her also have a life and a place where she feels supported by friends and not suffocated by you.

Thanks for all the responses! In answer to many comments on me badgering/bullying her into changing her RSVP - I didn't. I just asked if she could check if it's ok as she knew the numbers were getting high. Believe me - she doesn't beat around the bush! She said she was glad I was going. I told her I'll only come if she wanted me there and she also (visibly and verbally) had a nice time. If she was unhappy with the outcome - she would have told me in no uncertain terms, believe me!

She's done nothing wrong by talking to her friends about an issue that was severely impacting her when she needed their support.

I understand why she lied to you about it being girls only - easier for her than explaining that she wasn't sure if she could handle you being there, that this was a rare/welcome respite from your depression.

Do not fall into the trap of focusing on the party.

You need to focus on

1. what are you doing to get mentally well and to maintain good mental health
2. what does your wife need and want?
3. how do you work towards repairing your relationship together (assuming she wants that)

You didn't originally say that though. You said you dropped loads of hints about how you'd have nothing to do that night etc. You also said she expressed worry/concern regarding asking when numbers were already getting high.

Why ask if you aren't going to take on board what people are saying in response?

Also everything @Whataretheodds said. Stop focusing on yourself and focus on repairing your relationship.

Thank you agreed. And yes, we both want this relationship and family to work and be happy.

She emailed the host and it was fine for me to come, so all good! (Although I still didn't feel great about it because I had to coax it out of her).

So you went on and on till you got what you wanted? Do you usually do that? Sounds like you weren't the best partner to her, taking her for granted and doing fuck all around the house.

Stop trying to get your own way and let her have her own friendship group ffs. You sound like hard work. She's done nothing wrong.

I do agree with you on those points. I think my upset by exclusion is part of my mh issues and low to zero self esteem. Something I am working on. I have already apologied for my insecurities and neediness, in general, and we a nice long chat about how we both needy, but in different ways but i will apologie again in direct regards to this situation.

I've not read the whole thread but you are coming across as very needy and me.me.me. Give the poor woman a break and let her have her own friends for support. Use your own circle of friends for being in a couple.

No, I just asked (once) of she could try!

X

Part of the gang are you? You met them once. Are you going to bully her into taking you every time she sees these friends and?

Your own words she was very cagey about the whole thing untill I couldn't take it anymore and confronted her, showing the card and pointing out the +1 and I pleaded with her to just try and see if it was still ok for me to come

This is not acceptable behaviour on your part. If she wanted you there, she’d have invited you. Multiple people have told you this, but you seem incapable of taking the information on board.

I'm your SO in this scenario - or at least, quite a similar scenario.

I meet up with my old school friends a good few times a year, and DH rarely comes. He suffers from depression, anxiety, and social anxiety.

Over the years he's said he'll come to various events with this group, then started to behave strangely as his way of backing out nearer the time. I'm not saying you're doing this, but giving you my personal experience. And I know he wasn't being difficult on purpose, because of his social anxiety, and I knew he really did want to come initially but then couldn't help his anxiety making him want to back out as the event approached.

The problem with this is that we'd have plans for an event, perhaps with our DC too, and then the few days before would be peppered with little comments from him, or a particularly low mood, and withdrawing from our family unit. He'd pull out of coming an hour or so before - "do you mind if I go see my Mum instead, I think she needs company today", for example. (She didn't - this is an example of an excuse he'd use). The few days before an event would be horrible to go through, and share a house and life with him.

After a few events I realised the pattern and would start to see what was happening. It didn't actually necessarily 'matter' to me if he came or not (they're my friends and I'm perfectly capable of having a good time alone), but the moods and the late change of plans was really hard work. Sometimes it was a Center Parcs holiday with the whole group and partners and children, for example. So I found myself suddenly solo parenting two kids (who knew about the mini break and were super excited), when all my friends had their partners there. Interestingly, my friends quickly noticed DH not coming and would lovingly rally round to help and support me, particularly if we all went somewhere with our DC.

Had DH been able to be honest or realistic up front, we could have made a suitable plan, like me going alone, or going with one DC where appropriate, etc. or even me choosing to take both kids, but knowing that up front and planning for it, rather than only knowing the morning of the event and we'd already booked activities for kids to be in different places, or got the kids excited about it.

So after a while, I'd stop inviting him. I'd make plans for me (and maybe the DC), and assume he wasn't coming. This was actually a relatively useful and calm period, because he'd obviously feel relieved not to come (though wouldn't say it and would still excuse it), and I'd feel better with my plan that I'd been able to prepare for.

Then would come the times DH was not in one of his depressive episodes and would make more noise about coming. It made me very uneasy. Partly because I simply couldn't trust it. I love him, but how did I know if he wouldn't back out again at the last minute? How did I know he wouldn't go into one of his moods nearer the time and weigh the house down with his illness and his checking out of family time?

Rightly or wrongly, I found myself starting to actually convince him not to come. "No, don't worry, I know you want to go to that football match/meet that friend/get some downtime at home/etc., I'll just go with the kids." I was protecting myself from some of the effects of his illness, and giving myself as much control as possible.

He's currently in an ok peak, and actually came to an event this summer. He was insistent about coming, and I sat him down a couple of times and said "that's fine, but if you're committing it means you can't back out nearer the time. I genuinely am ok with you not coming, but you can't say you are and then make an excuse that morning". He said he got it, he did come, and it was all good. But I don't know that that's always going to happen.

And yes, it's probably weird and awkward for him when my school friends comment on not seeing him for ages. But that's for him to deal with, not me.

And yes, I've talked to these friends about his mental health. Not all of them, but his long-term absence was weird and I didn't actually want to lie to them or excuse him. Being honest and saying to them all that he had social anxiety was so much easier. And they get it. And then there are a couple in the group I'm closer to who know more of the details, know how DH (and therefore me) have struggled, and they are incredible support to me. Interestingly, they wouldn't have said anything in front of him though. And I am honest with DH that the group know about his social anxiety as a minimum.

This may be nothing like what you and your SO are going through, but maybe my perspective is useful.

You had a chat about how you were both needy did you?
Was it you going “yeah, I know I’m ............... but YOU”
You pressured her into inviting you, she clearly didn’t want to and now you sound quite proud of yourself

Thank you for the insight and yes, that is really helpful x

Your post is so tone deaf in terms of what life has been like for your family.

You're so focused on you.

You had depression for years. That must have been extremely tough for your partner. Of course she needed support.

You were wrong to badger her, 'plead' with her in your words to get the invite. Wrong to make her feel shit she spoke about her worries with her friends. And so wrong to assume you're now part of the gang. God don't invite yourself along again.

Work on yourself and your relationship. Don't suffocate her. She is more than just your partner.

as someone who has suffered with depression I think you are being very unfair with regards to your attitude to SO. In no particular order:

She has every right to seek support from her friends and to want to keep that separate from you.
You can express your desire to be included but pleading is a behaviour that can easily be interpreted as emotional manipulation. That isn't good regardless of how good the night was.

Getting well in one thing. Staying well is quite another - often there is relapse. this is particularly tricky to partners who may not be as convinced as you that you are either well or will stay well.
Just because you think you are better does not mean your significant other is better and recovered from this episode.

One night out does not make you part of the gang. she may need something separate from you to feel she is maintaining either her identity or her support mechanism (or both). That is perfectly OK.

I wonder how you think it could be from her perspective (the whole thing not just the night out).

It is great that you are feeling better and prepared to keep working on yourself. Just remember partners need to recover too. it isn't easy living with someone with depression. You may fully understand that it isn't their fault but it doesn't mean they don't feel cheated from the relationship they had hoped for had you not become unwell. I imagine she feels drained and needs to recharge and might want something just for her where she doesn't have to pretend to be anything other than herself.

My partner certainly found it challenging and needed something for himself - just like any other kind of carer. yes mental health is stigmatised but not talking doesn't help break that down, nor does it help her get the support she needs.

You should have posted as a woman with depression talking about her husband who has been leaving her out of his social life. You would have got a completely different reaction from the posters.

I think your wife has been unfair and even a little selfish. Going to social events with her could have raised your spirits. Instead, she chose to focus on herself and her own happiness with no thought for you whatsoever.

No the responses would be the same. The poster is needy and bullied their partner to take them. It doesn't matter if poster is male, female, same sex or a cat. Its their behaviour that being called out on.

Your last paragraph...yeah right. Just nasty.