Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've royally screwed this haven't i..

54 replies

lilaclilypod · 04/09/2022 22:05

Been seeing a guy for the best part of a year now. It was casual, both agreed we weren't looking for anything serious. I have 2 kids and not really keen to introduce them to anyone.

Last night he completely blindsided me and told me he wants more and that he's fallen for me. It was totally unexpected and I just laughed in his face and told him I have no interest in a future with him. I was brutal!

But actually, I feel the same. I've just locked my feelings away and kept up the act so well I've actually convinced myself, I just don't care. I've tried to call, no answer. I've text and apologised and asked if we can talk, no answer. Not surprising really, I was a complete cow.

After a day of reflection I'm just scared, scared of my children being hurt. My marriage with their dad failed because their dad struggled with our eldest (now diagnosed with autism). He an absolutely wonderful, charming, beautiful boy but he's rigidity, routines and meltdowns can be tiresome. I had a gentle parenting approach and he was a do as I say or else kind of parent, I got tired of the tension in the house and wanted my son to have a home where he was accepted for who he is, on his worst days and the best. But if his own dad can't love him how can a complete stranger?

No idea of the point of this, just needed to splurge!
He isn't responding to me so I can't do anything about it, and if he did, would I even want to pursue anything more than a casual fling, it's not fair to my sons to introduce them to someone who could well just up and leave when things get tough.

OP posts:
Azandme · 04/09/2022 22:06

Tell him what you just said. By call, text, email - carrier pigeon if necessary!

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 04/09/2022 22:13

He didn’t up and leave when things got tough.

You laughed in his face and told him you didn’t care after he’d opened up his feelings to you.

OP you were unnecessarily cruel and to be fair he deserves someone who will treat him decently. You didn’t.

Cazs818 · 04/09/2022 22:16

Be totally honest with him , tell him your scared not just for you but your children becoming attached it’s only natural

but don’t let fear hold you back if you feel the same way , there’s no need to move things at 100 miles a hour. Baby steps if your both totally honest and keep communicating your feelings things can blossom and that fear will slowly disappear with the right kind of love x

Original poster
lilaclilypod · 04/09/2022 22:19

@SheldonesqueTheBstard I was horrible, I absolutely know that, I'm not making excuses for it.

I don't mean he up and left (he did, totally justified), I just mean generally how I feel about anyone meeting my boys. If their own dad couldn't stick it out, I feel like if I introduce them to anyone else and they leave too then that's my fault entirely, I didn't need to put them in a position where they have to lose someone else.

OP posts:
YoSofi · 04/09/2022 22:19

The only way you can salvage this is to be completely honest.

Tell him you feel exactly the same way and your reaction is because you’re scared. Make your feelings clear to him, and then leave it for him to decide what to do next.

At the very least you owe him honesty, even if he decides that you’ve hurt him and he can’t continue.

tootiredtospeak · 04/09/2022 22:27

Just be honest text again and tell him you feel the same but you are scared all the stuff you have said here. I get it my son was 6 when I met my current DP. I wasnt worried about being rejected myself but for someone to get to know and reject my son ( who is autistic) would have just hurt too much. So I pusued away and pushed away so much so he nearly went but in the end he didnt. My son is 21 now we have 2 kids and it's been bloody hard work my son is hard work but he has been by my side the whole way. This guy could be that guy but I guess you will never know if you keep your feelings locked up. After a year you must kind of know if he is really a good guy or not.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 04/09/2022 22:30

I’m not saying don’t try.

But you didn’t even give him a chance to see where the relationship was headed - meeting your kids is a wee bit in the future yet. Don’t tar him with the brush of your ex.

I get the fear of it and I get being harsh because that sometimes comes from a place of hurt. I think he could forgive that if you were honest.

What he might find hard to forgive is the laughing in his face. I’m not sure I could forgive that. Sorry.

Sofachoices · 04/09/2022 22:40

Don’t lose hope yet @lilaclilypod ! Your reaction wasn’t great 😬 but you know that! But I get the whole “being blindsided” thing. Sometimes throwing up the barriers feels like the only way to go!

Its “all cards on the table” time I think. Send him a text and apologise - explain why you responded the way you did, what it is that scares you and how you actually feel about him. If you want a future with him then tell him that. Leave the ball in his court and see what happens.

Andromachehadabadday · 04/09/2022 22:48

I think you are getting way ahead of yourself trying to think about how he would or wouldn’t cope with your son.

You can try and back track. Let’s say this works and you get together. Introducing him to your kids, would be way down the line. And the relationship may not last that long.

I am not saying this to be pessimistic, but you are whipping yourself up into a frenzy over things that may not be relevant.

In all honesty, if you (a woman) posted from his point of view and said you opened up to your casual fling and he laughed in your face and was brutal. The advice would be to block him and don’t ever let yourself be convinced back into contact with him. And if he then immediately started trying to contact you, you would be told he is playing games and a mind fuck.

I think you need to stop trying to contact him and take space for yourself. You may find that actually you don’t have feelings for him, you just don’t want to lose him. That this fling is something fun, for you. Just you. And this is panic that you are losing it.

Take a breath. Give yourself some time, then try and contact him and be honest. If he doesn’t respond, leave him to it. But trying to rushing into something could end up with you messing him about again.

allboysherebutme · 04/09/2022 23:00

Go to his house, knock on the door and explain. X

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 04/09/2022 23:12

Don't,just,call,and not,leave a message or say,let's talk. You need to tell him that,you,feel similar and are,scared.... can we talk. Why would he respond to a call,with no,explanation.

You need to explain by text..ideally WhatsApp so u can see he has read it.

Musti · 04/09/2022 23:15

That sounds rough op, the poor man. Can you go over and talk to him? You can have a serious relationship without having to live with him. I don’t live with my boyfriend and it is great.

stillvicarinatutu · 04/09/2022 23:22

Just so t forget sometimes your gut reaction is how you feel .

What made you change your mind ?

Really examine how you feel .

Whiskeypowers · 04/09/2022 23:44

Don’t try and resolve this by text
you need to go to see him at home and tell him what you’ve written here

Catlover1970 · 04/09/2022 23:57

I think he deserves more.

YRGAM · 05/09/2022 00:01

Even if you don't think it's salvageable from your POV, you owe it to him and to his self esteem to retract what you said. He will be feeling really shit about himself right now and that's all your fault

Minimalme · 05/09/2022 00:25

stillvicarinatutu · 04/09/2022 23:22

Just so t forget sometimes your gut reaction is how you feel .

What made you change your mind ?

Really examine how you feel .

I agree with this. Your gut reaction was 'no'. Someone up and leaving can't make even the firmest decisions feel a bit scary.

larkstar · 05/09/2022 00:45

Yes @Whiskeypowers

Andromachehadabadday · 05/09/2022 05:48

Not sure going to his house is a good idea. If someone was awful to me. And I refused all contact and they turned up on my doorstep to tell me they treated me so badly because they were scared, I wouldn’t be happy.

By refusing contact he is making it clear that he doesn’t want to talk. Even if it’s only for a short while.

Op doesn’t sound strong enough to be rejected on the doorstep. What if he genuinely doesn’t want to hear it at this point? It could make it worse.

Life, isn’t a romantic movie.

Original poster
lilaclilypod · 05/09/2022 07:45

I appreciate whoever pointed out how this would go down if it was him to me, i agree the advice would be different.

There's no way I'm going to his house, that screams stalker to me. I would not be impressed if someone i was ignoring knocked on my door!

I sent him a text last night explaining my reaction, at the least I want him to know the problem is completely with me, not him. He didn't reply, I can't even bring myself to go on WhatsApp and see if he's read it. It was quite late when I sent it so it's possible he's only seen it this morning.

OP posts:
Darbs76 · 05/09/2022 07:47

Just tell him what you’ve said here via message. Give him time to absorb it. He will calm down. He’s probably very hurt

Watchkeys · 05/09/2022 08:55

If their own dad couldn't handle them, that's a reflection on him, not them. Do you honestly think that one person's response to someone dictates how the rest of the world will respond to them? You're not following his lead and leaving them; why would anybody else?

girlmom21 · 05/09/2022 09:02

Tell him the truth then leave him alone. If he wants to get in touch he will.

StopDrivingIntoMyFence · 05/09/2022 09:22

I hope he reads your message and responds kindly. You may have been 'brutal' but we all have bad days and it sounds like you panicked a bit because you were not expecting this. His reaction, now that you've explained the truth will tell you everything you need to know. I hope this works out well for you. Good luck.

Dery · 05/09/2022 11:14

“There's no way I'm going to his house, that screams stalker to me. I would not be impressed if someone i was ignoring knocked on my door!”

I think this shows how much times have changed. To me, turning up at his house once after a misunderstanding does not scream stalker - it screams: “I care enough about this to come and speak to you face to face to see if we can put this right” whereas sending a text just says - I don’t care enough to make any particular effort but I’m willing to drop you a text. Context is relevant too. But I’m middle-aged and grew up in less complicated times - without social media. Repeated visits would be stalkerish. Good luck sorting this out, OP.